Bullying Energy in the Body

I recently asked for assistance in addressing my fear of intimacy, more specifically, romantic intimacy. I still seem to have a great deal of worry about what will happen in those situations. This goes beyond just mental stress and negative thoughts. It is like a feeling of being trapped or controlled. The paradox is that I often feel even more alone when I am with someone.

In my past I had unconsciously sabotaged relationships. I always kept people at a certain distance especially if it was a romantic one. The few rare cases when I didn’t freak out were when I knew that particular woman I was with wasn’t going to be around for very long. In those cases in true masochistic form I would surrender and be totally open and get crushed. I of course didn’t recognize this pattern for quite some time.

I have come a long way with my emotionally isolating behavior but yet the fear still remains. The strongest aspect of this fear is that I will repeat a pattern of being distant or emotionally reactive to another so as to create space. I can control a lot of it but the energy of the situations often feels overpowering.

In this session or work I was taken back to my childhood. I am 5 years old and there is a boy lying on top of me. It is dark, I am scared and feeling totally powerless. I can’t move at all I am being crushed. I feel like I am dying. Revisiting it I can feel how terrifying it was and how empty I felt. My inner light felt snuffed out. I didn’t remember any of this until this moment.

The boy is telling me I am nothing over and over again or at least that is the core belief that has been implanted in me from the experience. He laughs and I feel dead.

As the man I am today I symbolically pull the bully off of my child self and lift him up. I explain what happened to him and how that won’t happen again. I reassure him and give him what he needs as I totally breakdown crying while saying it. I give him and myself a new message. I clear it from my body and most importantly I remove the energy from my current station of identity. I removed the dark cloak of “you are nothing” from my physical and energetic bodies. With continued work in daily life it will no longer be a location of disempowerment or food for that which feeds on such low negative energy.

I see now how I had carried this traumatic experience in my body my whole life without even knowing. It was a worry and deep fear that at any moment someone was going to come along and take everything from me. They would make me feel like nothing, that I have no power to do anything and that I will die.

I now see it more clearly as a dark heavy energy that kept me from wanting to stand out, to own my gifts and abilities but most of all show my joy for life. I had often felt I had to tone everything down so I wouldn’t make someone jealous or upset. This is what I feel happened with the boy that smothered me and made me feel totally helpless. A feeling I never wanted again so I kept myself small. The interesting thing is that boy, whoever he was, probably has no idea how much that had impacted me. To him I was probably just some kid that annoyed him and so he allowed impulses to direct his behavior.

Scratching at a trauma memory is an opportunity to release the stuck energy in the body and give certain parts of self a different perspective from a place of a more mature awareness.  It is often childhood memories of experiences that can now be viewed differently. In the best case scenario, these situations can be healed from a place of empathy for the person or persons involved.

The key to a successful integration is to have an empowered stance to embody when the pattern reappears. Through the power of conscious awareness (Consciousness, Intent, Focus, Now Moment Presence) the traumatic pattern can be overridden once the energy in the body is released.

In that moment of re-experiencing trauma anything can be implanted in a person. They are there, it is alive and so taking it past that to a place of comfort and empowerment then anchoring that in with a tool such as an affirmation, visualization, feeling in the body, or specific movement will draw that more empowered energy in when the old trigger sets in.

I share these things as a Being who is willing to go to those dark spaces within so as to be better and has helped others do the same. I am grateful to all that assist me in that goal. You know who you are!

I feel I now have a “why” for when I start to freak out in relationships. Even better than the “why” I now have a tool to use in the form of an affirmation. If I remember to be conscious in those moments, it can pull me out of that undesired pattern. “I am safe with my Heart”

May you always feel safe with your Heart,




A curious thing has been happening to me lately. I will be reading a text book with some very intense information based on specific techniques and belief systems I really don’t agree with, I start getting really tired, and then begin to drift into that place between being awake and asleep. I recognize it as a powerful meditative state to work from while doing grid work or healing, but because I am going into this state focused on some very mental based concepts with very little soul or spiritual context to them I start to really feel into it more than intended. At this point if I do fall asleep I go into almost a nightmare of trying to figure something out in a mental looping pattern or if I stay awake I catch a glimpse of the harm certain approaches are causing when they ignore key components of healing a person on all levels.

A little back ground is probably in order. I find myself going to college at age 39 studying psychology, something I thought I would enjoy and I do except for the emphases on what seems like mechanistic and reductionist type approaches. I try to stay neutral about this lack of deeper understanding as much as possible but I find it very difficult. It seems even the humanistic and phenomenalistic approaches are being presented either without the deeper understanding or simply from a mental approach. (very little mention if any about transpersonal psychology)

Academia is a very mental environment so it probably wouldn’t surprise too many that I am experiencing a lack of heart connection to it. In fact I had a number of people wonder why I was going into this system. Those who questioned my current path are a few of the many people I know who have been spiritually initiated, finding intelligence and understanding beyond linear mental thought. They have cultivated the ability to experience and trust a deep inner knowing. It takes a great deal of work to reclaim these things I feel we are born with and know as children then slowly lose for various reasons. I see how the school system is responsible for a lot of that being lost.

I do not disagree that the scientific method is important but when it becomes a religion which deviates from its true tenets by ignoring variables and minimizing important factors that have yet to be quantified it is detrimental to the human soul and spirit. It disconnects us from everything we are and creates headless beings, which is ironic for these people often live in their head.

I saw this while starting to drift into sleep state the other day while reading about desensitization and exposure therapy. I feel these cognitive-behavioral techniques do help people and they are great, but when they are carried out without addressing the deeper cause of these fears and phobias from a multidimensional level of understanding it further disconnects a person.

I saw people utilizing these techniques as having no head. I also get this was a soul disconnection. It doesn’t mean they will stay like this because I feel we have a lot of help to snap us out of that, but that these techniques and their singular focus was facilitating this effect much faster than would normally be experienced. Again it is a matter of balance.

Cognitive behavioral techniques are great but the soul (emotions/deep feeling) and the spirit (higher self/monad) need to be included. I have learned I can’t use my mind to overpower everything, at least not for very long. Deeper feeling and intuitive thought is needed even though it does not seem rational and requires faith. These subtle intelligences can be empirically tested based on outcome. This is rarely possible when needing to prove it to someone else. It is self-evident to the individual and represents their inner truth and knowing.

It often seems weird for me to have put so much work into activating these gifts and abilities we all have to see and feel what is beyond the surface of this world then to go dive into a very dense mental based system. I have had great difficulty with it for it is hard to unlearn what you know to be true, what I have experienced numerous times as a reality. I do not doubt these past experiences for I doubted them previously for much of my life (actually told to doubt them). I now see clearly where that doubt came from and how easy it is to creep back in when I am surrounded by those who have chosen to live in their heads. Many believe this is what we are, simply thinking beings.

Soon people will realize that the techniques being used will not have the lasting results expected. This will necessitate a deep inner search for meaning behind the fears and phobias. Through this search that part of self will be found that was forgotten. The aspect of self that has been traumatized needs to be reclaimed and healed in order to find lasting positive effects from behavioral-cognitive techniques. Without this awareness I see the techniques as further traumatizing that wounded part of self.

This awareness and reclaiming parts of self can be done through meditation and intention. For me it happens when I can calm my linear mind and be receptive to what comes to me in that state after setting a specific intention for that meditation. Sometimes it comes right away, other times it takes like 30 minutes to get there, and still other times I get nothing and have to try again later. I have done this on my own and been assisted by other healers. When the timing is right it happens but it cannot be forced by my ego desire or linear mind.

It is about going back to points in time when I was overwhelmed and left a part of myself there from all the tension. I can communicate with that part and heal it with the current perspective and awareness of why that happened. If not knowing the “why” I can still work to find peace with that experience and hear what that part of myself wishes to express. This is possible with other lives as well.

So even though it is difficult for me to be studying techniques that are trying to overpower or ignore what I feel is needed for deep healing, I do find much of the information I am learning helpful. It just isn’t complete no matter how much evidence based research suggests it is.

I know I am not the only one going into these education systems to witness what is happening and I do see energetic/spiritual knowledge slowly working its way into the field of psychology. I know deep down it is only a matter of time until a more conscious, holistic understanding is established.

May you know all parts of self,