Showing Up

The wave I was riding a while back crashed. I found myself tumbling for a while into a familiar abyss sinking slowly down until I finally started to remember who I am. I have since resurfaced, regained my breath and am now back up looking for the next big one.

This analogy truly describes how I see the ups and downs of life. I will catch an awesome wave and everything is great and inevitably the ride always seems to end. Admittedly, I will often bail or wipe out before it does for various reasons I am still working on but each time I learn a lot. Each time the ride lasts a little longer and is a little sweeter. Well this last time I wiped out pretty hard but resurfaced with a very profound insight.

The epiphany is something that is probably totally obvious and long known to others but I now see it fully beyond just an intellectual concept. The “it” is the knowing that though it may appear to be true there is no perfect person. There is no one Being who has mastered reality here. It is just people doing the best they can often trying to deal with the sometimes extreme pain and confusion they have experienced. The ironic thing is that those experiences which cause so much pain are often the very things that seem to make a person so powerful and interesting. Like one’s will being tempered in the fires of life.

I know it sounds ridiculous to believe in a perfect person but for me it was a necessity to think like this. I needed to believe that there were people that found a way to overcome their traumatic conditioning, had found a way to control their ego desires and frustrations, and could maintain their cool despite what happened around them. That there were people that attained self-mastery. When I realized that this was not true it shattered me. That supernatural possibility was what I strove to become so as to fix myself and to attain my highest potential. I feel it is still possible but the bar isn’t so naively high now.

I now have a little better understanding of what the limitation is here as a human. I bet Jesus was probably often depressed and Gandhi was probably a dick from time to time but what made them great are all the times they pulled it together and showed up. I can now give myself permission to not need to be perfect or beat myself up when I fall short. I can allow myself compassion and understanding when I do. I can just surrender to being human rather than try to be this perfect being that never loses his temper or doesn’t drink or always says the right thing. I can be free to be me and not apologize if it upsets someone else. I can be quite and hold my center without trying to help others feel better. The caveat to this is that I still show up when it really counts and pull it together when people genuinely need me. Like those electric moments of deep release and vulnerability that permeates the environment. When a strange silence fills the air and time seems to stand still. Those times when there is an opportunity to shift the very core of something or someone in a positive direction.

The best part of my realization is that I have also found it much easier to allow others their attempts at this perfection without wanting to ridicule them in the times they fail. I have increased my compassion for what I used to think were people faking it. I can let it go easier when I see through what I used to think was a façade but now simply understand that most of them are genuinely trying to be that and how wrong it is to discourage it or have ill will towards that person.

I can now let go of my illusions I have about the many great men and women who seem to have it all together realizing it is just them pulling it together when it really counts. I now know it is impossible to do all the time but still hold out hope for all of humanity that it happens most of the time.

I am reminded of something I discovered long ago and will leave you with this.

Attaining enlightenment is easy the difficulty is in maintaining it.

May you be free to enjoy your life and always show up at your best when it counts,


New Energy Coming Online

I let go of a lot of the negative harmful energy I was carrying since my last post in fact a huge part of it. An energy that I labeled as beast for the final purge, something I carried for a very long time. It was protecting me in a sense.

I was given the message of love being its intention. The reason to let it go was that the form of love it expressed in protecting me was no longer of service in my life. It was holding me back. I let it go and thanked it. I had assistance with this by supportive individuals in my life that could help create an environment where this could be facilitated.

The strange thing that happened after the release and letting go was that another energy came in immediately afterward. It was like this very advanced type aspect of myself. Something that seems very foreign to this world and not something I have seen fully manifested very often. It is like this very calm and capable emissary type being who is very poised and strong yet unassuming. This part scares me in a way for I know how powerful this type of energy is and I feel it has an effect or can trigger a great many people. If I work to embody it I must fully release fear.

The fearful parts I make up around what may happen if I embody this are internal dialogs of others like, “this guy thinks he is better than me” or “this person acts really weird. Why are they not reacting to all this drama?”

The humble truth is it is like this Christ/Kryst type consciousness that is very rarely seen manifested for long periods of time but cannot be ignored when it does. It is a force that is absolutely present and engaged with its environment but at the same time in total control of its self. It does not get sucked into drama by guilt, frustration or a sense of needing to belong. It stands strong and centered even in the face of attack which is defused because of its calm demeanor and ability to shift the very field of energy around a person/environment. This particular version presented to me is also in total control over body movements needed for defense like a Tai Chi master that simply points out the futility of even trying to hit him through extremely cultivated internal energy, balance and relaxation.

I refer to this energy or archetypal energy form as “it” for it transcends gender. It doesn’t even feel a part of this planet but like a visiting energy or something that is returning from long ago and will solidify this new paradigm.

Ultimately, it is about those that have the volition to allow their full human potential to come online and shine for all to see without fear or apology. Humans expressing their unique gifts from a place of balanced power and connection.

I feel this has been happening for a great many people for some time now. And it is important that I point out that it is an energy available not something I am saying I am right now. My hope is that by embracing more of this energy on a daily basis, remembering what it felt like and how it looked, that I will manifest this as the core of who I am in action and deed in the future. With any luck, seeing this mastery achieved in this lifetime.

May you always know this energy within and around you,


The Reluctant Energy Vampire

It has been a while since I have posted anything. I have had some very profound shifts and realizations lately much of it occurring around the end of the last year. I was told there was a very powerful event involving Pluto and death at this time. Basically, the removing of all that is no longer of service etc… I don’t get too into astrology, but I do find it helpful and in this case there was definitely something going on. I have been really moving through a lot and have seen great change in others recently as well.

The capstone on my recent realizations was something that happened only last week. I went to a lecture among a small group of people. I was feeling pretty comfortable until a woman came in late and sat down beside me. I at once had a flood of mild anxiety which I was able to sooth. There was nothing abnormal about this response as I am often somewhat guarded or anxious around new people. I was able to catch the reaction and calm my body. I was then aware of thoughts coming into my head around my value and what the person thought of me. This too was mild and I was able to let what aspects I was conscious of go. It would be silly to think I had become totally comfortable and removed all judgmental thoughts in that moment.

After a short time I returned my full attention back to the lecture which I really was interested in. All of a sudden I felt this comfort and relief come over me. I felt a part of me express something like “she approves of me or likes me”. The strength of this surprised me. I realized I had wanted approval from this woman, not so much that I was interested in her but because she was in close proximity to me. I wanted more comfort, comfort coming from outside of myself.

This feeling came in very strongly because, as I realized later when talking with her that she is also seeking outside comfort. I am not sure the extent of what has happened in her life, but by what I could gather from her situation and our brief communication is that she has been through a lot emotionally.

I realized I was putting out energetic tentacles to find comfort. I didn’t do this intentionally and thought I was being stable in my body and energy, but there was a part of me reaching out for comfort to a total stranger.

This can be vampiric when it is done, or even especially when done unconsciously. There is nothing wrong with reaching out to others, but what I realized is that I may be doing this more than I ever knew. If I am not focused on my own physical embodiment and self-sourcing comfort I may be unknowingly trying to feed off of any source outside of myself for that comfort (see my post on “Embodiment” and also “The Unholy Trinity” for more info on this). This can feel extremely uncomfortable to people unless they are in a similar dependent energy state, but even this is temporary.

Some of the most profound wisdom I ever heard which helps explain this is, “We are all mirrors for each other”.

I came to this recent realization because of various people in my life and the interactions I have been having with them lately. There is a whole pattern of me drawing those of like energy who have specific aspects that really irritate or upset me. These irritations or frustrations are pointing to things I myself am doing, otherwise they would not be so upsetting. My first impulse is often to try and change the other person or my environment, but that is impossible to sustain. I am putting that energy out and energy flows in all directions and affects everything. It doesn’t matter if we are conscious of it or not, it will still happen. It seems that even a subtle amount has an effect, but I can’t directly measure how subtle because it is subjective. I imagine it can accumulate, though.

I am grateful for all my mirrors over the years. Those who have shown me what needs more work within and for pointing out my blind spots. I know I am truly responsible for my own comfort and security in the world. When this is achieved it is shared and reciprocated in a balanced way. When this is approached externally through a desperate need to find comfort from fear or insecurities it can become vampiric no matter how Krystic or spiritually advanced I may think I am.

May you see the truth in every mirror,