If you can understand this you probably know what it means to be working on healing an avoidant attachment style. For those with one of the other attachment styles you may ask, “Who would be afraid of love?” Well people that have been hurt or very confused by it at an early age would be my answer and what tons of research has shown.
Something happened at a deep core level. The very young child basically took on the message that I am not safe to explore the world. There can also be a feeling that something bad is going to happen at any moment and the need to control everything around us. Truly, an impossible feat but a child and young adult often does not know this. There is a tendency towards perfection or a total rejection of everything. A domination of surroundings or hiding away from them. And often a need for constantly seeking approval but freaking out when it gets to be too much.
To make this more personal, I will share that I just spent the last few hours writing out what is important to me and what to focus on. This was instead of allowing the darkness of suicidal ideation creep into my field of energy. I felt it start to visit as soon as I was on the flight back home from my visit to Greece. I felt it sit beside me and tell me I have too much do to when I get home and what are you even doing anyway? You are all over the place and perhaps it would be easier to just give up. Each thing you want to do is only being half done, it is not good enough, and you are too scared/lazy to really step up. Why even bother nobody cares anyway. You are just making a fool of yourself.
I of course know this unhelpful friend very well from years of listening to his shitty feedback and bad advice and yet he still shows up despite my best efforts to ride myself of him. But now I chose to use this communication, it pushes me to examine these things.
So, at 3 am this morning when he was really screaming and trying to hijack my mind I got up and wrote. I wrote down all the things I am working on and what the priorities are from a place of genuine expression rather than writing for an audience as I usually do. I gained clarity that my master’s degree is my priority and I must finish this. I am almost there.
I need to keep mentoring youth even though it can be challenging in more ways than people might expect. I know this is my path. I was shown it long ago in a vision.
I am really enjoying my new superfood business and see so much potential for it to help many people. This currently excites me but I am being careful not to drop everything else in its pursuit like I usually do.
I really want create a couple workshops this summer
But the big one in my life is that I am alone. As time goes on, I see how difficult most of my life has been by constantly isolating and running from romantic relationships and even intimate friendships. Life is not meant to be lived alone, humans run in families, groups, tribes. Traveling around Greece by myself after my friend had to go back home really helped solidify this for me. I had to drive, navigate, translate, find places to stay and eat all while keeping my energy calm and balanced. It was really hard and I am tired.
Being in another country can really wear on you if you if you are by yourself. I made it through and it was fun but what if I actually allowed more support in my life, allowed more love. Allowed my family/tribe to fully manifest? To have people around me on a regular basis. I have always gone it mostly alone because I did not want to drag anyone else into my emotional stability drama but I am no longer that same person. It still visits like my friend that wants to push me off a cliff but I have aquired tools enough to at least no longer take it out on those around me. At least not to my knowledge.
To get back to my story, those last few days in Greece traveling to the interior where less tourists are it was all up to me. I watched as others in a foreign country seemed very nervous and scared and I judged them as weak. I would never allow myself to show that externally but I am sure it still did. That same fear and insecurity was there just below the surface many times. I felt the overwhelm, I felt my nervous system freaking out and I had to do what I always do…self soothe. Running my energy, grounding, breathing, closing my eyes and shifting it. I don’t know what I would do without these tools.
Perhaps you can relate to this, perhaps you also have what is called an avoidant attachment style and will throw your hand up in someone’s face that tries to get too close to you or will run for the hills when you truly feel vulnerable and in love.
This can be true for friendships as well. The closer they get the more it feels like something bad is going to happen because that’s what happened before. So rather than face the uncertainty of the seemingly inevitable pain an avoidant attachment style will sabotage, often unconsciously, so than at least they can control when that pain happens. It still hurts but it relieves the anxiety. The tragedy is that it is a self-fulfilling prophecy, one that continues until the pattern is brought into awareness and broken.
My advice to myself this morning and anyone who can relate is to be courageous in the face of love! For without that, the fear of life creeps in and can take us down.
May you laugh at how ridiculous your critics are and use them to light your path,