Down in the Mud

Mud Hand

I recently stepped way outside my comfort zone. I did not know how far this step was going to take me at first, but it ultimately lead to nothing short of facing one of my biggest fears in a very real and tangible way.

By taking a small step and participating with something I would have avoided only a short time ago I was shown what is possible in my life. This situation created the space for me to surrender and move beyond a big part of a massive fear I have carried since childhood.

This breaking down of a huge barrier has invigorated me with more courage and a proactive momentum to keep going beyond the fears that keep me from fully living a life of fulfillment and service. I see that the old patterns can be broken down now. When I surround myself with the right people for me a new reality of experience is created. I am actually looking for more fear to push through in order to keep this momentum going. Beyond fear lies my joy and freedom.

I recently wrote about polarity integration in a page I added to this site. I basically describe this form of energetic and physical work as finding balance between extremes. Work of this nature is difficult and confusing especially in the beginning but then something else happens further down the journey, you get to the razors edge.

There is a fine line where things must be slowly and methodically adjusted. This has proven to be the most difficult aspect for me. It is easy for me to essentially scorch the earth and cut away all the stuff that is extreme in me at both sides of the spectrum. When it comes to really defining my life and actions it is much more difficult with plenty of fear to block it from happening.

After having lived polar extremes in life I have the last couple of years been slowly coming down from the mountain of energetic isolation. I lived in darkness and addiction, wallowing in material density, distortion, and confusion for a time while in my youth then I pulled myself up high on a spiritual path of exploration and deep self-discovery. This is where I tried to stay but I found it lonely and unbalanced. It was like another form of escape for me.

It is easy to sit on the mountain somewhat removed from the chaos of the world but it is much more difficult to get down in it and maintain that same state of calm as found high above. It is also easy to surrender everything and fall into the dense heaviness of the world to play out ego desires through hedonistic pursuits and willful ignorance. Throwing on blinders and living in reality bubbles.

Popping those bubbles and exposing oneself to the heaviness while commanding one’s personal space in a calm and loving manner is a great challenge. Walking the line between these extremes is my work.

In my youth I lost myself for a while and rejected a lot of things about who I was in order to fit in and create an identity that would get me what I thought I wanted. A lot of it was powered by fear. Fear of being different and of being myself.

I was able to pull myself back out of that space and moved so far from it I wound up being pretty isolated and protective of my interactions with others. I was afraid to participate with a great many things for fear of being exposed to distortions and harmful energies. This is a real concern but I took it too far. I removed myself from so much that my life suffered. I was being more of the person I truly am but very few people saw it. I started to realize that I was going to have to let go of being a pure clean energy if there is such a thing. I had to let go of covering my ass and worrying about being energetically attacked.

The last couple of years I started to open up. I began to expose myself to things and people that I did not really feel too comfortable around. I basically opened my energy field a little which often left me feeling exhausted by what came in. What was even more tiring was the fear I had about it.

I realize now that life is going to be either lonely uncomfortable on the mountain top, or uncomfortable and fulfilling down in the mud. I can come off the mountain, though I may get “dirty” and some of it may not come off, I will be living my life more fully and be reaching more people.

This solidification of my life is something I am now stepping into in much bigger ways. I am getting out in the world, meeting more people and stepping into leadership roles when needed. I am finding who I am externally, who I can become when letting go of fear and blockages.

I have already found who I am on the deep multidimensional levels beyond matter and form. Finding my true inner self has been my focus for the last 10 years. I am now comfortable with that and I can honestly say I do not fear death and I have a pretty good idea what will happen when I leave this body.

I have seen many other lifetimes I have lived and felt their messages. I have experienced a great deal of karma for this life and the others. I have completed acts of contrition for those lives and continue to do this even to this day. I have found my deep inner truth to my satisfaction and it even comes with a label I can present to the world that I do not feel is too limiting even though it is a label, Indigo Starseed.

This solidification of my life is about stepping out and being the man I want to be. I am letting my inner light and abilities shine. Not only am I helping others but I am also helping myself, another difficult balance to achieve.

I am creating myself and owning the truth of who I am. I do not need others to believe as I do for I didn’t believe it at first either. It is too far out there and seems weird at first. I can fulfill my mission without this need for external comfort. In fact, after a period of being overly expressive of my beliefs, I have learned the great power of only sharing these things with those who are drawn to ask. I of course write about them here in case others may benefit from it.

My mission is to: Create a world of sovereignty and freedom by being passionately present. What that means is that I am not only fully present in each moment, but I am also being passionate. I am going with what I feel and letting that energy exude out from me when I check in with now moment presence.

I love stronger, I connect, and most importantly I let down the walls of protection in those many moments that are safe to do so. I am finding this is much more often than I ever believed possible. In fact when I put down that shield and sword I find others feel safer, they are open and friendly. Again, this requires me to let go of my fear of others and of embarrassment, something I have carried since childhood.

The paradox of my biggest fears revealing my greatest joy is my Magnus opus. I have been really working on that a lot lately. I recently faced my biggest fear and plowed right through it. I let go and found nothing horrible happened. I was very uncomfortable but I participated and pushed through the fear and kept the negative thoughts at bay. I did not let my shadow drive. In one night I healed a big part of the trauma in me because I was fortunate enough to have been led to an environment that allowed for that to happen.

I still have more to do and more to accept about myself around this fear with its many conditioned responses and thoughts but I am aware and catching them more easily. The feeling of doom and helplessness isn’t as strong. I finally see things more clearly. I had obsessed over this thing since childhood at a time when I didn’t have a clear view of what was ahead of me.

Moving forward
I rediscovered this old Zen proverb recently which I thought was quite fitting after my powerful experience, “Before enlightenment, chop wood carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood carry water.”

The way I interpret this is that life goes on. Any time after I have a powerful experience, initiation, epiphany, breakthrough, or any other salient life altering experience there is a high that I ride but then it starts to fade away and once again I find myself with the everyday concerns and stresses of living in modern society. The abrasive energies, the parasites, the survival fears and my shadow which always seems to come back with a vengeance but my attitude is changed a little each time. I do everything a little different from those moments on. I am more conscious of what is going on within me.

With each enlightening experience, I find the ability to stop and say “Wait a minute what am I doing right now? Is this serving me? What am I unknowingly participating with?” Lately the biggest question is “How can I be more passionately present in this moment?”

That big question brings me back to the man I want to be in the world. It brings those inner parts out with the kind of energy I create surrounding me. It comes out emotionally in my depth of feelings and expressions shown through body language and on my face. Finally it comes out fully manifested into 3D reality in my behavior, words and actions.

Another great saying I love is, “The difficulty is not in attaining enlightenment but in maintaining it.”

I find myself back down in the dense heaviness of life, covered in its metaphorical mud but ok with that. I come off my mountain of worry and hesitation about what might overcome me or of what will attack me. I know these things to be a very real concern and a reality on this planet but the worry about it was mostly mental stuff.

When I am present I am able to deal with it and I am often guided away from harmful situations. A space always opens up.

I can try and run/ignore the disruptive subtle energy experiences but it catches me and accumulates. So I face it and meditate/claim my personal space to clear it in that moment. It is always intensified when I judge it or it activates a trigger.

What I am writing about here is a type of feeling that overcomes me for a moment and I can source it as not coming from within. There are varying levels of this. Anyone who is sensitive to energy or has spent long hours meditating will know what I speaking of.

It is amazing how often this type of thing shows up in the middle of the night especially when I am not feeling well emotionally or physically or when someone close to me is really upset about something.

I am learning the power of shifting my attitude and remembering to enlighten myself, to be present, connected, to see and feel the powerful brilliant energies flowing through my body, the essence of who I truly am. It brings feelings and intelligence beyond the mind.

Shining my light and living out in the open does draw more attention than I might like but the center is strong and connected.

The best reason to really shine is that we are in a new paradigm of freedom. It may not always look like it on the surface but it is building and solidifying in many parts of the world.

Much is determined with what we choose to participate with and where our focus is.

When in doubt I remember my mission to create a world of sovereignty and freedom by being passionately present. It pulls me out of the drama. It moves me towards what I may superficially fear but what ultimately reveals my greatest joy when moved through. It connects me to those around me and sustains my connection to all I AM.

May you Recall your enlightenment in every moment of every day,