Depression and Suicide

How many times have you fallen into the dark hole? That dark seemly bottomless pit of despair and hopelessness which if your anything like me, at its worse, has left you literally laying on the kitchen floor giving up all hope of anything being able to help. Then what happens?

We all get up and move forward (and yes if you want to go really dark, we have to get up to do that as well). As it passes a realization occurs, an epiphany about something. We see something more clearly or become more fixed on something. It is as if passing through the eye of the needle and we are shot out into the world with a new realization and rawness about life around us.

If this is a positive focus it will bring new experiences and people into our lives. If it is a negative focus then we will find ourselves again on that floor in a short amount of time but not before being driven to coping mechanisms.

Shift this by reaching for the positive coping mechanism. Know what they are, have them literally written down somewhere. What are the helpful coping mechanisms and which are the not so helpful ones?

We are now at that time of choice. The movie or the creating? The cigarette or the run? The complaining or the gratitude? The time in nature or the social media? Sleeping in or the morning routine? Being with people or isolating?

This very process of falling into the dark hole is one of creativity and a form of a shamanistic journey in my opinion. It is definitely an altered state and if you are really paying attention you will know you are not alone during those times.

And so, it is true of all fields of energy. We draw to us what we put out but sometimes we must go into the dark cave. This may happen as part of our mission and journey here. If it is really intense it may be the Universe initiating you or what has been called the dark night of the soul. We must face what is in that darkness that tries to scare us and drag us to a place where we forget who and what we really are.

We become intimate with the darkness and all the thoughts and feelings that dwell there. We may forget that we are still connected and loved. But then we pass through and years later that horrible experience now seems a blessing. Showing us how far we have come and that we are still here able to enjoy the happy moments.

My experience is that it will happen many times to varying degrees no matter how much work we do. I have come to see this as the crouching before the leap, the cocoon before the blossoming freedom of flight. It is an indication that something big needs to be shed so I can move forward. With context things are not as scary. And with context things are easier to navigate.

Early on I knew there was more to this earthly existence because of the dark. I found my confirmation in that place. Those things that lurk there are real and so it must be true for those of the light. I chose the light and I choose to work on embodying the Love that always surrounds us all.

If you are suffering move towards those things and people that can help. You know what they are. If you don’t ask it from the universe.  Chose them, chose to be here, chose to shed the negative overlay…..find the treasure in the cave, return and share it with us. We need it, we need you, we love you!

May you find who you are even in the darkness,

Jason

What Hardens a Man’s Heart?

The problem with a heart is that it can break be torn and leave us feeling deep pain and longing for what once gave us so much joy and happiness.

A man may try to avoid this by shutting down some of that joy when he feels it again, he may seek out fake joy in drugs and alcohol hoping that it will at least make the pain go away, he may finally find a partner that brings him joy but he may never allow himself to fully love him or her and will try to control that person to keep from feeling the pain he felt long ago when something he loved left or was destroyed.

A man may become so good at keeping himself from feeling pain in his heart that overtime he losses that connection to it. He loses that which makes him a loving human being and kills his heart. If he does this enough times he may no longer feel the aches and pains but he also no longer feels love and connection with those around him. This is the black heart.

He suffers a different pain. A pain of disconnection from himself and others. This pain strongly affects those around him although he may not notice it for a long time. He will wonder why he cannot relate to women, why his children find him cold and distant and why he is so uncomfortable around other men. He may feel very guarded around people and always ready for a fight.

In this distorted disconnected pain he instead seeks his happiness in things that he can own and control. And so there is a shell of pain around his heart and this is why it hurts to go there and reconnect in the beginning after it has been long suppressed.

The heart is a muscle and like every muscle it tears and rips, but each time it is made stronger through the process when it is allowed to heal. Just like the pain you feel when you work out so it is with the heart. The heart of the warrior feels the pain and knows he can withstand it. He feels it to heal it. He fearlessly lives though he may lose it all and in the grand scheme of things he will indeed. But know that the experience is always retained.

May you always be connected to your heart,

Jason

Come Home to Your Heart

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“Come home to your heart” This is the message that was given to me recently by a beloved ancestor who had passed on a while ago. With that I find myself in Love alone.

No one is really alone but that statement is related to something I am literally sitting with lately, Love. This is a deep Love for someone that turns to pain when I leave my heart space feeling. I go into my head and feel the need to have this person close to me and this creates pain and frustration not because it is a totally unobtainable feat but because being with them his not healthy for me or them at this time.

There is nothing wrong with them merely that our pain rubs up against each other making things volatile and explosive. I can sometimes go into anger at this. There was so much potential and connection between us. Since it didn’t work out I want to blame them for this longing and pain but that is just my mind falling back on a harmful and destructive protection mechanism.

I see this dynamic played out tragically all over the world since the beginning of time. How love can turn to darkness and pain and in extreme cases some very destructive suffering of others on a mass scale.

Is Love everything? Perhaps it is. I believe many of the horrible things in the world are done from a distortion of love. A longing for something that already exists as a feeling but it is pushed into control and ownership for safety. When this isn’t obtained in that mental realm it is often the cause of some ugly behavior.

Like the Buddhist say there is a need to let go and allow. That attachment is the root of all suffering. It is all mind stuff.I am seeing more and more what they mean as my journey unfolds.

We all have pain we carry and we all have developed ways to deal with that. These coping mechanisms do not always mesh well with others. Especially if our partner or loved one has a similar pain or they use a defense mechanism that triggers the other person’s past issues with a parent/significant figure in their life. So many of us are operating from a wounded child place because that is when we developed the tool. It is subconscious and rarely noticed by the individual but obvious to all around them.

Many of us are actively working to correct that in therapy, healing, dance, art, groups, and meditation just to name a few. For me it is a struggle I have put a great deal of work into and I now help others on this brave path. I have yet to fully heal myself if that is even possible but I really strive to use my tools and stay disciplined in being the person I want to be in the world.

What I am realizing is that Love is the ability to feel deeply vulnerable while not trying to control or own any external representation of it in order to alleviate that unbounded vulnerability. Fear of that vulnerability is to fear truly being in a place of Love.

To be vulnerable is to be open and connected to what is and it can feel very raw and painful. My tendency in the past was to want to run away from that “weird” feeling in various forms the strongest of which was to feel sad or angry about what is not in my life in the way I want it to be. I am realizing that the way it is in my life is perfect and if I stay with that vulnerability I can really connect and have love for that person and in turn myself and others I meet. I do not need to be with her in a traditional sense I can appreciate what I have with her and be ok that it is enough. This is how we tear down the walls that have been built to protect our hearts from being hurt.

I could be angry at all the things I didn’t get and how they have just picked up and moved on without me but truthfully I see how grateful I am at what we had and experienced. She is still in my life and I can be there with that interaction as it comes. I would truly be sad without her but maybe even this could be worked on as I progress.

I wonder if we are in Love with the person or just that feeling of Love that is ever present when it is connected to. How the connection to it is usually the result of some external thing but it is there when we go to visit that raw place. I can really feel this Love in my heart right now and I am working to make it my home. I am letting go of all the pain, fighting and blame that used to “protect” me from it when I would run to my head to remove the vulnerability.

From this place I may finally find my healing and the external representation of that in a partner. Well a guy can hope anyway and it is not a bad practice to cultivate.

Thanks for reading.

May you know the power of strong vulnerability and the Love that lives there,

Jason