I sit and contemplate my tortured fate…..wait….
Is it really?
No not at all.
Then why do I feel like this yet again?
It is there again that familiar anger and frustration. The familiar feeling that I am about to explode but can’t. I feel stuck in my body and forced to be where I am. I am forced to face the path I have placed myself on unable to let go and accept what is. This brings sadness and rage. The desire is to unleash and break something. The impulse to break out and break free….just plain break something but I know it not wise this time around.
Perhaps this current inspiration to write this here is the result of all that has come into my awareness at a deeper level lately. There have been epiphanies and deeper realizations of how I choose and create my reality. How what I focus on comes into my life and how all that I project out in the form of thoughts and judgments with the fuel of emotion is now what is seen before me.
In all honesty it is actually quite good. And yet here I am again, though I am feeling blessed with all the love of my family, wonderful supportive friends, and the love of a woman who takes me right to my heart in a way that I haven’t fully gone to in a long while the pain remains.
So why this depression, this feeling of frustration and pain….the unwanted visitor that comes to me and spins me out so that everything falls apart. All that I have worked to build and accomplish becomes stagnate with opportunities to proceed from my efforts potentially missed. Like paddling out to a wave just about to catch it and something pulls me down.
Lately I have gained some control over this as it is more of a, I am still on the surface of the ocean type thing, but the wave passes and I see all those that have caught it…Honestly, I sometimes wonder which is worse but I do delight in their play and enjoyment. It warms my dark mind and activates me into my heart to really see people doing what they love and living free.
I know I will get there too. I just need to break the mental groove in my head and the wake of its undertow which holds me in fear. The subconscious groove or gutter of past thoughts that there dwells all I have created. That which may have served me long ago but now only houses the thought forms and limitations that visit me now.
Is it all mind stuff and the darkness is my own making. Will my world and the one around me change if I can catch my visitors and cast them out? Will I catch up with those who have done this and freed themselves from restriction and pain?
I will do it tonight and the next day and again and again until there is a new groove which will not be a gutter.
May you know inner harmony and external peace,