Come Home to Your Heart

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“Come home to your heart” This is the message that was given to me recently by a beloved ancestor who had passed on a while ago. With that I find myself in Love alone.

No one is really alone but that statement is related to something I am literally sitting with lately, Love. This is a deep Love for someone that turns to pain when I leave my heart space feeling. I go into my head and feel the need to have this person close to me and this creates pain and frustration not because it is a totally unobtainable feat but because being with them his not healthy for me or them at this time.

There is nothing wrong with them merely that our pain rubs up against each other making things volatile and explosive. I can sometimes go into anger at this. There was so much potential and connection between us. Since it didn’t work out I want to blame them for this longing and pain but that is just my mind falling back on a harmful and destructive protection mechanism.

I see this dynamic played out tragically all over the world since the beginning of time. How love can turn to darkness and pain and in extreme cases some very destructive suffering of others on a mass scale.

Is Love everything? Perhaps it is. I believe many of the horrible things in the world are done from a distortion of love. A longing for something that already exists as a feeling but it is pushed into control and ownership for safety. When this isn’t obtained in that mental realm it is often the cause of some ugly behavior.

Like the Buddhist say there is a need to let go and allow. That attachment is the root of all suffering. It is all mind stuff.I am seeing more and more what they mean as my journey unfolds.

We all have pain we carry and we all have developed ways to deal with that. These coping mechanisms do not always mesh well with others. Especially if our partner or loved one has a similar pain or they use a defense mechanism that triggers the other person’s past issues with a parent/significant figure in their life. So many of us are operating from a wounded child place because that is when we developed the tool. It is subconscious and rarely noticed by the individual but obvious to all around them.

Many of us are actively working to correct that in therapy, healing, dance, art, groups, and meditation just to name a few. For me it is a struggle I have put a great deal of work into and I now help others on this brave path. I have yet to fully heal myself if that is even possible but I really strive to use my tools and stay disciplined in being the person I want to be in the world.

What I am realizing is that Love is the ability to feel deeply vulnerable while not trying to control or own any external representation of it in order to alleviate that unbounded vulnerability. Fear of that vulnerability is to fear truly being in a place of Love.

To be vulnerable is to be open and connected to what is and it can feel very raw and painful. My tendency in the past was to want to run away from that “weird” feeling in various forms the strongest of which was to feel sad or angry about what is not in my life in the way I want it to be. I am realizing that the way it is in my life is perfect and if I stay with that vulnerability I can really connect and have love for that person and in turn myself and others I meet. I do not need to be with her in a traditional sense I can appreciate what I have with her and be ok that it is enough. This is how we tear down the walls that have been built to protect our hearts from being hurt.

I could be angry at all the things I didn’t get and how they have just picked up and moved on without me but truthfully I see how grateful I am at what we had and experienced. She is still in my life and I can be there with that interaction as it comes. I would truly be sad without her but maybe even this could be worked on as I progress.

I wonder if we are in Love with the person or just that feeling of Love that is ever present when it is connected to. How the connection to it is usually the result of some external thing but it is there when we go to visit that raw place. I can really feel this Love in my heart right now and I am working to make it my home. I am letting go of all the pain, fighting and blame that used to “protect” me from it when I would run to my head to remove the vulnerability.

From this place I may finally find my healing and the external representation of that in a partner. Well a guy can hope anyway and it is not a bad practice to cultivate.

Thanks for reading.

May you know the power of strong vulnerability and the Love that lives there,

Jason

My Epic Adventure part 2

Heart Reclamation

We flew back to England the morning after our encounter with the dolphins in Scotland. Once there we picked up a really great rental car called a Vauxhall Insignia (aka Opel). I loved this car. It was fast and had a lot of torque off the line because of the diesel engine and with the 6 speed manual transmission it was great for cruising fast on the freeway.

People drive really fast over there. You just have to watch out for the speed cameras. My only complaint about the car was that it would stall any time you let it idle or bog down in between gears because of the fuel saving engine cut off. Not a very cool option.

I am really spoiled after having driven over in Europe. The style is totally different beyond just the driving on the other side of the road thing in the UK. People actually get out of your way. They move over when you want to pass even on two lane roads. If you happen to pass someone with oncoming traffic the cars just move over to the shoulder. There isn’t this massive freak out like they need to play chicken because someone is in “their lane”. I really miss that about Europe, not only the UK but France and Greece as well.

We stopped at Mirbai’s dad’s apartment but he wasn’t there. A woman that looks after him and cleans the place let us in. He had a lot of the art work on the walls that he has made over the years. They were paintings and mosaics of mostly religious themes. We left the gifts we had brought for him there and drove down the road to the store she said he was at. We found him out in front of it looking at something. He was a short man a bit hunched over and slow moving but with a very sunny disposition. He was very excited to see his daughter but a bit confused when we conversed with him. He seems to have a bit of the beginnings of dementia.

We were successful in talking him into going to a pub other than his favorite. The one we found was a really great place called the Carpenters arms. A very popular spot in the small village we found it in.

The pubs seem to be like the heart of a community in most of the villages in the UK. Places to meet, talk, drink and eat good food. This one was no exception. The food was excellent. I learned a lot about the English and their love for protocols and traditions at this place. There seems to be a very strict protocol in how one eats dinner. The one I noticed right away was the upside down fork thing. They balance food on the back of forks and use the left hand to cut food instead of switching hands like most Americans. This latter technique does make more sense but the balancing food on an upside down fork was hard to get my head around.

Another thing I learned, with a bit of embarrassment, is how you are not to move the plates when done. Usually I will take a plate to move it closer to the end of the table for the waiter. This is actually considered rude and not helpful to do so as in the US.

Also, one should never eat dessert until everyone is done eating. In fact they will not bring it. This is something that confused me as to why the cheese plate wasn’t brought out after I requested it twice. The first realization with how different things are was when I had first tried to order it as an appetizer and they looked at me like I was a madman.

Later, they were baffled by my continued request to have it after dinner before everyone is done eating. Cheese is often considered a desert or palette cleanser before sweets.  They did eventually bring it before Mira’s dad finished. I was told by Mirabai about the tradition at that point. I felt very embarrassed and understood how Americans could be considered so rude by such ignorance. It also explained why her dad kept apologizing for taking so long to eat. It was a very long time but he was very much enjoying his food which we were all happy to see. It did look good, some kind of meat pie with a bunch of lard in the crust.

We dropped dad off at home and headed up to see the place of my birth, Lakenheath Air force base. We were almost detained after I posed for a picture with the main gate in the background. I remember thinking “Oh man this is bad” when the older guy radioed someone asking if he should brief and release or detain?

Thankfully, we were free to go after they looked over our passports, asked some questions and had us delete the photos. Afterwards they even pointed out a spot where we could take a picture. It isn’t as great as the first one. Even the younger of the two soldiers who questioned us commented on how great the first one was. I was really glad he was there as the other guy seemed very intense and one of those people who is like a dog of war just trying to always please people in authority to the point of blind obedience. Something I consider very dangerous.

We were then off to meet Mirabai’s son Cosmo. I was a bit worried by this but when we first met he gave me a big hug and I felt very welcomed and excepted. The drive up was fun but also very scary at parts. There were a lot of single track roads and especially tight ones just before Cosmos village. It was really hard to see beyond the tall hedges. There were also some extremely narrow places along the road were only one car could barely squeeze through.

We had a great stay with Cosmo. The first day we went go kart racing in Milton Keynes. It was a very strange place much like my friend who lived there described it years ago. It seemed to be comprised of these massive bubbles of neighborhoods all a bit isolated from each other even though they were all connected.

It felt as though there wasn’t much sense of community in this place just a bunch of houses and things to do that cost money. Perhaps the lacking of old family owned pubs was the reason for this. It really struck me odd has to how many things there was to do in the area like two go kart tracks, rock climbing, kayaking, mini golf and a plethora of corporate dining establishments. But again, the common theme was all things that cost money. It was like someone’s grand design of pulling people in around an area like a consumptive model business ideas. From a cognitive perspective it was ingenious but felt soulless and without heart. The main intention seemed to me about money and the creation definitely reflected that.

I did some energy work while sitting on the massive mound next to the go-kart track waiting for our turn to race. I saw a bunch of grids and symbols so I brought in some good energy from Hawaii and whatever I felt was needed in that place. Mostly heart, Aloha.

I did really well racing. I finished 4th out of like 15 people and was first out of all the people who didn’t bring their own helmet or racing suit. Cosmo finished just in front of me. Mirabai was really impressed by both of us and seemed very proud. It was a lot of fun and something I really enjoyed. I was also pleased that Mira got to see me do so well. She was a great support during the whole thing; she took pictures and cheered us on as we went by.

There was a man talking to her while we were racing but I never had concern about her loyalty to me. I felt very safe and supported to enjoy myself without worrying about her or our relationship. It is such a beautiful thing to trust and feel so supported. I am truly grateful for her presence in my life. She really is an incredible woman.

That night we watched some stand up movie Mirabai wanted to watch and munched on stuff we picked up at the store. We picked up her daughter Millie the next day at the train station. We met her with coffee we picked up down the street. There of course was a heart there that Mirabai took a picture of as is her practice for her instagram I see love everywhere.

Millie was pretty tired and had a bit of a cold so we just took it easy that day. We wound up mostly just hanging out around the house then went and had a bite to eat and some coffee at a cool little outdoor café that was part of a farm in Cosmos tiny village. It was the place we had been getting our coffee each morning.

We dropped Millie back off at the train station. She gave me a hug and told me to take care of her mom. It felt a bit like both a warning and a blessing. She and Cosmo seemed very different. She is very into the world of finance, making money and a name for her-self, uninterested in Cosmos awareness of the various conspiracy knowledge which I am also in agreement with. It seems they may have had many discussions about it and she may even believe it too at some level but wants to play the game for a bit.

Hopefully, she doesn’t get too burned out or used up by the system. She seems to be doing very well in it. She later came to visit us in Hawaii for Mirabai’s birthday. They went Swimming with dolphins and we all went out to the lava flow and watched the sun set on the top of Mauna Kea. We had a blast and both of us missed her a great deal after she left.

What seemed like a disaster was actually a blessing when while driving the Vauxhall I miss calculated how close I was to the curb and scratched the wheel up pretty bad. Luckily Cosmo works at a Maserati restoration shop so we were able to go there to get some sand paper and metal polish. It was actually really great that I did curb the wheel because the shop was a great highlight for the trip. It was in a small little village near Cosmos. A very unassuming building but inside was literally millions of dollars or pounds worth of automobiles. Not only the cars that were being worked on like one worth over 2 million pounds but a whole little museum filled with old motorcycles and cars fully restored.

Apparently, this Maserati shop is very famous and well respected in the automotive world. I was able to fix the wheel which turned out looking very good. We turned the car in to the rental company without any trouble. Mirabai was happy about that and impressed that I was able to fix it. I myself was very relieved and proud to be able to draw upon some of my previous experience and skill in working with cars.

Early the next morning we were off to Stansted airport to fly to Marseille with the flight leaving at 6:45am. We missed our flight and had to wait till that afternoon to catch the next one. Luckily we were flying business class so we didn’t have to pay any extra. I was all ready to just hang out at the airport, having found a place where we could lay out on a bunch of seats. Mirabai was really tired and wanted a proper place to sleep so she booked a really nice hotel close by and we got some much needed rest.

On the flight over to France I spent a lot of the time writing my personal essay for the Argosy Marriage and Family therapy master’s degree scholarship which I wound up winning first place for and am now enrolled in the program.

Just before we landed in France I was struck by the beauty of the land and how familiar it felt. I was filled with emotion and my eyes began to water. I felt my heart come back to me. I felt so much I was speechless. I was holding back from fully letting go in that moment. There was so much emotion and tremendous joy in reconnecting with what was left there so long ago.

Mirabai noticed how moved I was and checked in on me asking if I was ok? All I could do was node yes with a big smile on my face. I reclaimed my heart. I had left it there a couple lifetimes ago during WW1.

This was from a past life memory I was very familiar with. A salient lifetime shown to me many years prior because of the tremendous significance it has played in my journey here. It was a powerful shift for me not only in that life but for all the thousands of others that preceded it. It was a final undeniable realization that I was killing my own brothers.

I was fighting people who were just like me over some bullshit because certain men couldn’t get along. I was a pawn in one of the most destructive games played out on this planet.

I remember in that life laying on my back and just letting go. Apparently, I decided to leave a big piece of my heart there on that land in France. The specific aspect of losing heart was not known or clear to me until that moment when returning to France. This of course is all an energetic.

It seems I went a bit too far in that lifetime. It was as if I no longer wanted to feel that level of love and connection to things that through manipulation impassioned me to go out to fight and kill for. The love of family and wanting to protect them from “evil”, the love of my country wanting to keep our righteous way of life alive, and the love of my fellow soldiers and wanting to keep them safe from the “enemy”.

It was all bull shit. We were fighting and dying horribly over a piece of muddy land that was often just walked away from the next day. I was creating suffering and I had done it for thousands of lifetimes. This is the one where I decided I was done playing the game and would no longer participate with it. I felt utterly betrayed.

I reclaimed what was mine simply from this awareness and being back in this beautiful country. With this integration I was able to move towards more wholeness and given the message of, “I see through the game and love the players”.

Forgiving them was not fully possible until this lifetime. Whom I speak of are those men who rally others to a cause that destroys that which is beautiful and vulnerable in the world. I see how I was them for many lifetimes. I see how I was misled by forces that overwhelm men of ego and desire in order to try and separate us all from harmony.

So that is a big part of my epic adventure. There is more I could share like the extremely uncomfortable experience of being in the Istanbul airport 24 hours before an attempted coup but I don’t really feel like writing about that.

We did go to Greece, a place where my soul longs to be and feels at peace. Perhaps I will write about that someday but for now I will end it here and thank all those that have read this far.

May you reclaim all parts of self and enjoy life,

Jason

 

Stretching Beyond Ego

A realization came to me recently while listening to some music a family member had sent. It was a Susan Boyle CD I received months ago. I finally decided I should take some time to listen to it since my father’s wife felt the need to send it to me along with some other things. All these gifts were a bit of a surprise and felt very random.

I listened to the first song and I was immediately hit with this, “Oh my God this is horrible and ridiculous!” I saw it as sappy and cheesy. It was something I would make fun of and in fact I did in my head. So I turned it off and laughed it off.

Later that night I was meditating. My meditations lately have been much more directed at connecting to my heart. I want to be friendlier and more open with people. Also, I know that the true connection with all parts of self and God Source is found in the heart.

While in meditation, I was reminded of the song I heard earlier and felt I was sending unharmonious energy out as the result of my negative and very judgmental reaction to it. I sent Love to my father’s wife in that moment and communicated to a part of her that I would try and listen to it again.

A couple of days later I gave it another shot. I set the intention to just listen and allow myself to experience the fullness of what I was listening to. I was rather uncomfortable and felt embarrassed if anyone was to know what I was listening to, which struck me as a little odd. I kept thinking, or more like had thoughts running through my head, of all the movies I had seen where this kind of music was made fun of or to portray a character as being soft or weak, especially if they were men.

I also noticed that a part of me wanted to make fun of it. I came up with some really funny sayings and visualizations associated with what I was hearing. I longed to express this to people in order to gain laughter and camaraderie with others like I found in the past. Instead, I surrendered that part and just continued to listen.

I was busy doing other things, like checking emails but kept listening and found myself really tuning in during certain songs to both her voice and the lyrics. I felt another part of me was enjoying it. I felt relaxed.

I realized that a part of me liked it, but the part of me that was very uncomfortable was kicking and screaming. Basically, saying “This isn’t who we want to be in the world. We don’t listen to this stuff, we laugh at it. We like energetic music that moves us and puts us in motion. Not this slow boring stuff that would embarrass us.”

This voice was my ego, that part of me that wants to be a certain way and control things to achieve that mentally represented ideal. The truth is that this control is impossible and leads to inauthentic expression, being fake or a creating a type of mask that most people can see right through. A mask that many years past became such a part of me that I had forgotten who I truly was.

The ego is also susceptible to external negative energetic influences most often experienced internally as thoughts, images, and in extreme cases voices. It is the part that is easiest to hijack in order to perpetuate suffering of self and others in the world. It separates and divides potentially becoming a massive block to the heart and connection with others, especially those who do not believe or like the same things it does.

I often feel like the ego itself is a parasite, an aspect of the mind somewhere between one’s personality and the higher mind. I am still trying to work this out. I feel the Freudian description is lacking in its scope to encompass the multidimensional levels at work. So when I say ego I am not referring specifically to a psychoanalytical definition, although I see value in that information.

I am still not big on this type of music, but it is relaxing and it calms me. I find it to be something I enjoy as long as I don’t place judgment on it out of some insecurity. So, I guess I do like it in a way, but I am not ready to play it loudly for all to hear. Maybe by writing about it here I can lessen that ego identity that feels so threatened by it. To accept the music for what it is and not feel the need to make fun of it even though doing this was an easy way to bond with others in the past (many other people would be insulted by this and in truth would actually further isolate me).

Negative ego based judgment lessens what is actually a beautiful expression of the heart, vulnerable and yet powerful. Something that is always there waiting to be felt despite the thin film of ego trying so hard to hide it.

May you live Courageously with Heart,
Jason

A couple of movies that I really like in how they depict the ego are Revolver, an awesome Guy Ritchie film, and Peaceful Warrior, which was a great book turned into a movie.

The Mind, Mental Energy and the Higher Heart

Well I did it. I graduated from college with a bachelor’s degree in psychology.
The enormity of just how relieved and proud of myself I was did not hit me until the day of my graduation ceremony. I woke up with this amazing joy and feeling of excitement. Up until that point I only felt confusion and difficulty knowing what to do next.

The ceremony was a tremendous release for me and a time to show that openly to the world. I allowed myself to shine my light very brightly that day without fear. I had gone through hell at times and came out stronger, more balanced and grounded from the various trials experienced both academically and in other parts of my life during this period of time. Most importantly I saw something through to its completion no matter how uncomfortable I became.

I still have the very logical and realistic concern about what is next which needs to be addressed but for the moment I can breathe deeply again and work to connect to my heart more strongly. I can now let go of so much of the mental energy that has been hard for me to manage and has contributed to my previous health issues. In releasing this burden I trust the next detail of my path will present itself even though my mind/ego laughs at this and wants to make it happen now.

In regard to the nature of mental energy and the mind, I read something recently which really drove home the deeper realization for me of how the mind is really largely outside of us. How a great deal of the mind surrounds the body and is not just in the head. (The mind being separate from soul and spirit but more of a step-down of those aspects in reaching the manifested form known as the brain which directs the functions of the physical vehicle of the body)
I was generally, in the past, more focused on the emotional content of thoughts creating a field of energy but what I am writing about is different from that somehow. Perhaps more related to visualization?

Much of my stress and tension in college came from the difficulty in calming my mind. This dense energy (often looking black in color) created by me and surrounding me was putting extreme pressure on my physical body. This was especially true, as I wrote in an earlier post (The unholy trinity), when my mind fell into the trappings of judgment, negativity and obsession with time.

So now I can give my mind a bit of a break from reading, analyzing and flirting with indoctrination (the regurgitating of information so as to answer a question in the way a professor wants to get a good grade). While getting this period of mental reprieve the path of this blog may change a little.

As I dive more into my heart and share things that speak to me more on that level the information may get much “weirder” and more nebulous. The stories are still episodic memories, the direct result of experience. They are things that I feel on a deep level and define who I am beyond space and time. They are often a paradox to the logical linear mind. The mind is limited in its analysis of things.

To me, mental analysis is the result of examining only a finite number of learned variables. The heart (more specifically the higher heart chakra 8) does not have this limitation which I feel is more connected to soul and spirit. That kind of connection knows all that is.

To help speed up this process of heart connection I have recently revisited a technique told to me long ago. It is mostly a visualization meditation but also incorporates the tai chi standing posture of wu chi and the fuel of emotional content. In it I see and feel a golden energy throughout my body emanating out my hands and into my higher heart chakra located at the top of my chest.

To prepare for this, I run earth and cosmic energy (grounded earth energy flowing up into the body, swirling around in the lower dantian mixed with the cosmic energy flowing down both sides of the spine. Both mixed energies then flowing through the whole body up the spine and out the top of the head pouring all over the external body like a fountain) while standing with my toes pointing forward, legs shoulder width apart, knees slightly bent and feet firmly planted. Shoulders and chest should be relaxed while keeping the spine straight with a slight tuck of the pelvis under so the legs feel heavy. Starting with my arms at my side, I make a large circular motion bringing my hands up above my head into a prayer type position and then pulling them straight down to my chest. I stand like this until I really feel and see the energy flowing through and around my whole body.

The energy continues to flow while I direct some of it out to my hands. When enough is built up I slightly twist my hands from prayer position to a slightly cupped position opening the energy centers in them. I then put them one on top of the other over my 8th charka. I feel and visualize this energy flowing into this important multidimensional energy center while also being aware of my breath.

Usually this charging of my higher heart only takes a few minutes. I work to do this first thing in the morning especially on the days when I feel depressed or just run down. It really helps me get going and assists me in staying balanced around all the people in my life.

Doing this technique really gets me out of my head and helps me move into a more expanded perception. In that space I can more effectively clear my field of unwanted energies. This allows me to interact with others without the possibility of projecting my own specific mood on them or reacting to theirs.

For me, one of the worst things about depression is trying to pretend I am happy so as not to upset others. It has been my experience that people can often take it personal not understanding why I feel like crap.

Being sensitive to energy makes everything a little more difficult, but it also creates the impetus to strive for self-mastery. For me that momentous task is made easier the more strongly I connect to my heart.

May your heart always lead you,
Jason