Connecting

My dog Daisy ran off when someone lit off some Thanksgiving fireworks. I know right? She was lost for over two weeks but has since returned. I wanted to share what had happened and what I experienced through this time of being without my dog. I was amazed at how helpful everyone was and the outpouring of heart energy from everyone who heard about her being lost. I feel truly blessed to know so many great people and to see all those animal lovers in the world. I really saw a lot of heart around me.

I really appreciate how my brother Michael and his wife Christina were there for me. I have a hard time asking for help and they showed up in a big way making it much easier. They did an awesome job on the internet looking for her and helping with flyers! I had so much apathy to work through to do all the things I knew needed to happen at a material level such as posting on various places on the web, putting up flyers, contacting shelters, driving around all over one of the largest housing developments in the U.S. calling her name and squeaking her dog toy. I had to let go of being embarrassed or wanting to hide from new people. I had to engage and ask. When all that was carried out a number of times some part of me must have felt free to move to the next level.

That next level was extremely powerful. Many people were praying and communicating with Daisy. I witnessed a few people look at daisy’s picture and say “Come home Daisy”. This was powerful, it helped me remember I can do that. I can communicate in that way especially when looking at someone’s picture.

There is an ability that we all have to tune into the energy and frequency of another being by simply intending to do so and then focusing. Belief makes it stronger and confirmation will arrive with patience. It happens all the time but most people dismiss it. Thinking of someone then they text or call. Were you thinking of them or were they thinking of you? Truth is it doesn’t matter. It is the same.

The night before Daisy came back. The sadness hit me a different way that night. I let go and felt a clarity and a knowing that I was finally fully ready for her to come home. It was like a window beyond all my indecisive cognitive and emotional interference about the situation. I made a decision on how to move forward when she can home. I looked at her picture and tuned into her energy. I told her, “I miss you and want you to come home. I don’t know where you are. I didn’t leave you with those people and won’t be able to come get you. You are going to have to find your way back”. I had to really feel through the pain and sadness to a place of genuine connection with her own energy signature.

Then the next day she just showed up back at my brother’s place where she had run off from. When she got back, she was very tired and hungry. She must have been getting food from somewhere because she is not as thin as you might expect after being gone for over two weeks. There is a large cut on her leg which opened up exposing a lot of flesh but she took good care of it herself. The vet said it is about a week old and it is best to let it continue to heal on its own.

I am so happy she is back. She has been with me for almost 8 years now. We have lived in Arizona, Washington and now Hawaii together. She has melted the hearts of everyone she meets. I have never seen a dog that so many people love. I have had people who say they don’t even like dogs fall in love with her and actually let her come in their house.

Thank you for reading and for all the assistance at every level in helping her get back home.

Much Love,

Jason

 

Healing the Inner Child of Separation

I had a powerful experience recently that I I feel I must share. It was something that helped me gauge how far I have come with my inner work and how I can use this as service to others.

It is in my awareness that there is often a message playing out inside me. This message can often be sourced back to one experience where I took it on and carried it with me throughout my life. It is a message that comes up when I am scared or frustrated, when I am about to push through to greatness or make genuine connection with others. Many refer to this as shadow. It causes tremendous pain and separation in the world.

I can remember as a child I felt open and connected to my world then as time went on things happened and I began to feel unsafe. People yelling at me, telling me I wasn’t good enough, and the idea that I was less than another.

The separation began. The idea of “the other” started to come in. The mental concept that I am different from those around me followed by a strong judgment about that based on salient experiences.

This idea of separate was wonderful and exciting in a heart based way but also scary when it became extreme in belief. I tried to find ways to comfort this idea of being different. I ran into others who had this and it was often centered on how they looked, where they lived, what gender they were, what kind of clothes they wore…

For more back ground I will share that I recently staffed a Boys to Men Adventure Weekend.

Boys to Men Mentoring is an organization open to individuals of varying belief systems. They do not subscribe to any one belief other than healthy men need to mentor boys into mature masculinity or they will burn down the village to feel the heat.

The Weekend Adventure is a camping trip set up by this nonprofit mostly volunteer organization. These events happen every couple of months for local youth in Hawaii (nationally as well). I have found these Adventure Weekends to be powerful but at the same time a challenging experience.

For me, it often brings up my own difficult childhood and opens some of the deep inner wounds from that. These wounds are things that I used to let define me as a man.

I have since done a lot of work around this wounding and the many disempowered beliefs that come up around it like, I am not safe and I am less than another. This was put to the test over the weekend when I noticed one of the young men giving me a look, one that I had seen many times before.

I can’t be certain what the look was about but it bought up that childhood feeling of being ashamed for what I look like. It took me back to that message I took on as a youth that I was a lame and goofy white boy and how I had to toughen up and project more anger. The energy I felt coming at me was something like, white boy has everything he wants and his life is perfect. This of course isn’t true.

When I was a child this would shut me down. I would pull myself inside and dim my light way down trying to blend in. I would pretend I was miserable to keep people from targeting me, that I wasn’t this happy little white boy that had everything because I didn’t. I embraced darkness to feel safe.

I had a lot going on that people didn’t see. There was a lot of pain and confusion for me as a child. I resented that on the surface my life looked like a episode of Leave it to Beaver and that I was not worthy of any respect. I felt I wasn’t able to shine the light of who I was and would get attacked if I did.

So this time I felt that child wounding and story come up. I caught it when I started to want to protect myself and get angry or engage with a dirty look of my own with this young man.

This is not who I am and not why I was on the weekend. I was there to support these young men so it was pretty easy to simply notice what was going on inside me, breath it out and not engage in any interaction. I just stayed neutral to the gaze I felt from the boy as I continued what I was doing.

What was so powerful was that a little while later I was sitting alone when this same boy came and sat down across from me at the picnic bench. I smiled and happily chatted with him when he asked how I was doing. He then began to share all the things he was holding deep inside that were causing him pain.

I was in awe of his strength and openness. It was such an honor to be there for him as he asked for help with a lot of the same things I went through as a child.

He connected with a number of other mentors that weekend in the same way. He later showed even greater courage when he spoke up in front of everyone sitting in a large circle. He did what I have seen as being so difficult for many grown men to do. He stepped into his power and spoke his needs. He put down the shame and asked for help which he will receive.

This was able to happen because men did not react to his behavior but instead owned their own triggers and held the space of compassion for him to let go. To begin to heal that part that can fester and turn into a monster that may haunt a man for his whole life. Inviting a force of energy into oneself that has the potential to create great pain and suffering in the world.

I know that part. It took me a long time to remove a lot of it and control what may be left of it. To realize that it is fed on the idea of being separate or less than others. It can swing into thinking it is better or uses judgments to justify its actions. It lives in a person’s head and stifles their heart, their connection to all that is.

I still have work to do with this (being vulnerable and open) but I see I am making progress and helping others gain tools so they don’t have to walk in darkness.

May you always shine your light for all to see,
Jason

Stretching Beyond Ego

A realization came to me recently while listening to some music a family member had sent. It was a Susan Boyle CD I received months ago. I finally decided I should take some time to listen to it since my father’s wife felt the need to send it to me along with some other things. All these gifts were a bit of a surprise and felt very random.

I listened to the first song and I was immediately hit with this, “Oh my God this is horrible and ridiculous!” I saw it as sappy and cheesy. It was something I would make fun of and in fact I did in my head. So I turned it off and laughed it off.

Later that night I was meditating. My meditations lately have been much more directed at connecting to my heart. I want to be friendlier and more open with people. Also, I know that the true connection with all parts of self and God Source is found in the heart.

While in meditation, I was reminded of the song I heard earlier and felt I was sending unharmonious energy out as the result of my negative and very judgmental reaction to it. I sent Love to my father’s wife in that moment and communicated to a part of her that I would try and listen to it again.

A couple of days later I gave it another shot. I set the intention to just listen and allow myself to experience the fullness of what I was listening to. I was rather uncomfortable and felt embarrassed if anyone was to know what I was listening to, which struck me as a little odd. I kept thinking, or more like had thoughts running through my head, of all the movies I had seen where this kind of music was made fun of or to portray a character as being soft or weak, especially if they were men.

I also noticed that a part of me wanted to make fun of it. I came up with some really funny sayings and visualizations associated with what I was hearing. I longed to express this to people in order to gain laughter and camaraderie with others like I found in the past. Instead, I surrendered that part and just continued to listen.

I was busy doing other things, like checking emails but kept listening and found myself really tuning in during certain songs to both her voice and the lyrics. I felt another part of me was enjoying it. I felt relaxed.

I realized that a part of me liked it, but the part of me that was very uncomfortable was kicking and screaming. Basically, saying “This isn’t who we want to be in the world. We don’t listen to this stuff, we laugh at it. We like energetic music that moves us and puts us in motion. Not this slow boring stuff that would embarrass us.”

This voice was my ego, that part of me that wants to be a certain way and control things to achieve that mentally represented ideal. The truth is that this control is impossible and leads to inauthentic expression, being fake or a creating a type of mask that most people can see right through. A mask that many years past became such a part of me that I had forgotten who I truly was.

The ego is also susceptible to external negative energetic influences most often experienced internally as thoughts, images, and in extreme cases voices. It is the part that is easiest to hijack in order to perpetuate suffering of self and others in the world. It separates and divides potentially becoming a massive block to the heart and connection with others, especially those who do not believe or like the same things it does.

I often feel like the ego itself is a parasite, an aspect of the mind somewhere between one’s personality and the higher mind. I am still trying to work this out. I feel the Freudian description is lacking in its scope to encompass the multidimensional levels at work. So when I say ego I am not referring specifically to a psychoanalytical definition, although I see value in that information.

I am still not big on this type of music, but it is relaxing and it calms me. I find it to be something I enjoy as long as I don’t place judgment on it out of some insecurity. So, I guess I do like it in a way, but I am not ready to play it loudly for all to hear. Maybe by writing about it here I can lessen that ego identity that feels so threatened by it. To accept the music for what it is and not feel the need to make fun of it even though doing this was an easy way to bond with others in the past (many other people would be insulted by this and in truth would actually further isolate me).

Negative ego based judgment lessens what is actually a beautiful expression of the heart, vulnerable and yet powerful. Something that is always there waiting to be felt despite the thin film of ego trying so hard to hide it.

May you live Courageously with Heart,
Jason

A couple of movies that I really like in how they depict the ego are Revolver, an awesome Guy Ritchie film, and Peaceful Warrior, which was a great book turned into a movie.

Energetic Overlay

A couple of years ago I experienced something that really scared the hell out of me and left me feeling very confused. Luckily, I had friends to call that were familiar with this type of thing and were able to calm me down and explain what I had seen.

I was still living in Phoenix, Arizona at the time and was working on getting out and meeting new people. I decided to check out this full moon meditation that I was invited to earlier that week. Normally I didn’t go to these kinds of things because some of the people I meet at them are a little too far out there (not very grounded) even for me.

It was very synchronistic how I met the woman at the community college that invited me to this event. We just started talking about a creative writing class she was starting and wound up on the topic of spirituality and metaphysics. I had deviated from my normal route to class that day for some reason and took this encounter and invitation to this event as guidance wanting me to be there for some reason. Well, reflecting on that I would definitely agree that there was something there for me to experience. It was not anything I expected or hoped for but it did leave a lasting impression and further changed how I viewed the world.

So I go to this event during a full moon at a local metaphysical book store. I was used to this environment and felt comfortable there even though as usual I was the only male out of around 10 people. But I am used to this and it really doesn’t bother me too much, unless others keep drawing attention to it which gets annoying. But anyway, I meet the woman who invited me and she introduces me to the person leading the meditation. She is very nice and pleasant of course but something feels off to me. I sometimes get nervous around new people so I just attribute it to that and let it go. We all gather around sitting in a circle with the lights dimmed. The woman leading the group begins to talk about various things. The information is very familiar to me as I had read and studied a great many books by this time but again there is this feeling of something being off. She keeps talking about relying on the instinctual body for guidance and saying other things that were red flags to me as being a way to misguide others. She was placing a very strong emphasis on astrology which of course is a factor in the equation of life here but not something that absolutely defines ones path and if it does few could understand that complexity to accurately translate it. I feel there is free will choice in how we work with these energies and influences. So basically what I noticed is she seems to be intentionally misleading these people giving them 90% truth and 10% distorted information or lack of information in order to create some kind of dependence on her. All the people in the group just keep nodding and saying “Yes, Yes” to everything she says except one woman who is constantly coughing. This coughing annoys the woman speaking and I can feel this anger in her. She doesn’t check on this woman or ask someone to get her water or anything. I find this odd but perhaps this person often does this or something. I am not sure, but I can’t keep my mouth shut about what she is saying any longer and politely start asking her questions in order to present alternative to what she is saying, she answers them but I can tell she is getting even more irritated by this. There was a lot of ego there, an attitude of; no, no this is how it is, you are young. So I start to get a little irritated with this woman’s lack of awareness in what she was preaching and start asking tougher questions. I do not recall what they were now but it really starts making her angry although on the surface everything seems calm and relaxed about her. I remember thinking this woman seems sedated or something. I can feel all this anger in her but she is very light and airy in her demeanor. That is when I see it; there is a weird energy around her. It is a very dimly lit room but I can clearly make out her face until all of a sudden it starts getting blurry and distorted. I am just looking at this thinking, “wow this is interesting” and then I see a face of a reptilian over the top of hers. It was semi-etheric and not fixed but almost like a hologram superimposed over her. I had been learning about these beings but I really didn’t believe the information all that much. I figured the whole reptilian thing was more about people who embraced that part of the brain and way of thinking. I saw the pattern of that out in the world but never saw any reptilian beings or anything like that. Just shadow beings and ghosts and what I would call more planetary oriented phenomena like that. When I saw this I freaked out. I thought this woman was actually one of these reptilians and I got scared. I was thinking; “oh shit I got to get out of here, she isn’t even human.” I get this massive fear energy running through me, my legs feel like led and my stomach is killing me. I feel my energy being drained out of my body. No wonder this woman across from me is coughing and having difficulty breathing, she is getting fed off of. This reptilian woman starts talking about us getting ready for this meditation, some kind of deep lake meditation and I am thinking “Hell to the no, I am getting out of here!” I try to think of the best way to do this without pissing off a being that I have heard can be very ruthless. So I get up and say I was not feeling well and I must leave. I thanked her as she said, “I noticed that” and touched my arm. I am totally freaking out but maintain my composure despite feeling sucked dry of my energy.

I get out of there shaking and call my friend who shares with me that the woman was simply possessed by a reptilian not really one of them, that they are usually semi-etheric and can attach to people lacking ego discernment. So this calms me down but then I feel bad for these poor people in there basically worshiping this woman who, herself, is in pain and being manipulated by something that she isn’t even aware of. Or if she is aware of it she most likely called it into her energy field thinking it was there to help her.

So with this experience I learned more about the nature of the reality on this planet, that there are beings here that manipulate and control people in order to feed off of them and perpetuate very dark agendas. These beings can seem helpful and of the light but are actually misleading people. This is extremely important for me to know and why I was led to this experience as it explains why the world is the way it is, why it is so hard to break free from the patterns of abuse and why there is so much distortion between people. Possession is real.

I have since learned to not fear this (fear is what feeds it) and found that it is easy to communicate with even the most possessed person by not challenging their ego as that seems to be where that stuff gets control of them. In fact establishing a connection to the heart brings them out of it. Even if it is talking about a business deal or something else that seems very materialistic. If it is something they love, it takes them out of their negative ego manipulation. This stuff only has the power it is given through fear, being unconscious to what one is participating with, or with the thoughts and impulses that are indulged.

May you always connect with the hearts of others,

Jason