Come Home to Your Heart

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“Come home to your heart” This is the message that was given to me recently by a beloved ancestor who had passed on a while ago. With that I find myself in Love alone.

No one is really alone but that statement is related to something I am literally sitting with lately, Love. This is a deep Love for someone that turns to pain when I leave my heart space feeling. I go into my head and feel the need to have this person close to me and this creates pain and frustration not because it is a totally unobtainable feat but because being with them his not healthy for me or them at this time.

There is nothing wrong with them merely that our pain rubs up against each other making things volatile and explosive. I can sometimes go into anger at this. There was so much potential and connection between us. Since it didn’t work out I want to blame them for this longing and pain but that is just my mind falling back on a harmful and destructive protection mechanism.

I see this dynamic played out tragically all over the world since the beginning of time. How love can turn to darkness and pain and in extreme cases some very destructive suffering of others on a mass scale.

Is Love everything? Perhaps it is. I believe many of the horrible things in the world are done from a distortion of love. A longing for something that already exists as a feeling but it is pushed into control and ownership for safety. When this isn’t obtained in that mental realm it is often the cause of some ugly behavior.

Like the Buddhist say there is a need to let go and allow. That attachment is the root of all suffering. It is all mind stuff.I am seeing more and more what they mean as my journey unfolds.

We all have pain we carry and we all have developed ways to deal with that. These coping mechanisms do not always mesh well with others. Especially if our partner or loved one has a similar pain or they use a defense mechanism that triggers the other person’s past issues with a parent/significant figure in their life. So many of us are operating from a wounded child place because that is when we developed the tool. It is subconscious and rarely noticed by the individual but obvious to all around them.

Many of us are actively working to correct that in therapy, healing, dance, art, groups, and meditation just to name a few. For me it is a struggle I have put a great deal of work into and I now help others on this brave path. I have yet to fully heal myself if that is even possible but I really strive to use my tools and stay disciplined in being the person I want to be in the world.

What I am realizing is that Love is the ability to feel deeply vulnerable while not trying to control or own any external representation of it in order to alleviate that unbounded vulnerability. Fear of that vulnerability is to fear truly being in a place of Love.

To be vulnerable is to be open and connected to what is and it can feel very raw and painful. My tendency in the past was to want to run away from that “weird” feeling in various forms the strongest of which was to feel sad or angry about what is not in my life in the way I want it to be. I am realizing that the way it is in my life is perfect and if I stay with that vulnerability I can really connect and have love for that person and in turn myself and others I meet. I do not need to be with her in a traditional sense I can appreciate what I have with her and be ok that it is enough. This is how we tear down the walls that have been built to protect our hearts from being hurt.

I could be angry at all the things I didn’t get and how they have just picked up and moved on without me but truthfully I see how grateful I am at what we had and experienced. She is still in my life and I can be there with that interaction as it comes. I would truly be sad without her but maybe even this could be worked on as I progress.

I wonder if we are in Love with the person or just that feeling of Love that is ever present when it is connected to. How the connection to it is usually the result of some external thing but it is there when we go to visit that raw place. I can really feel this Love in my heart right now and I am working to make it my home. I am letting go of all the pain, fighting and blame that used to “protect” me from it when I would run to my head to remove the vulnerability.

From this place I may finally find my healing and the external representation of that in a partner. Well a guy can hope anyway and it is not a bad practice to cultivate.

Thanks for reading.

May you know the power of strong vulnerability and the Love that lives there,

Jason

Dropping In and Balancing Energy

I would like to share a little of how I find balance with some very strong emotions that come up inside of me. How when I take the time and create the space within I can use that specific feeling to find balance not only internally but also with the external environment I am in.

Last week I was hit with an immense feeling of guilt. I felt it so strong and with such persistence that it occupied the bulk of my attention. It was really eating away at me. I felt myself starting to slip into self-abuse and negative thinking patterns but luckily stopped short of all that insanity.

Despite catching the pattern I still felt like I had did something wrong and that something horrible happened or will happen as a result of what I did. (Actually a very common feeling for me as a child).

I for the life of me couldn’t figure out what it was. I replayed the day’s events in my head and came up with a couple of possible things but upon further reflection they really weren’t anything more than judgments based on thinking that I did something wrong. Stuff like burning my clutch a little in my car while leaving an intersection or not taking the time to stop for someone who was nearing a crosswalk.

To get to the root of this very strong persistent feeling I decided to do some deeper work on it rather than just thinking. I sat down to meditate with the intention to clear all guilt, shame and blame.

I just sat there breathing connecting to my higher self, feeling and seeing that energy flowing inside me. I ran a couple affirmations to increase this connection. I calmed my mind and found my neutral center, that safe place inside. Casting out that which didn’t serve me.

I then cleared the energy in my environment of any shame, blame or guilt. I was at someone’s house who I often see battle with this behavior. I will have to ask his permission but was able to do it in that moment with seeing he would say yes when I ask him later (which he did). I was able to clear the energy by finding its polar opposite and bringing a specific flavor of energy in to create a potential balance between the two.

For me to harmonize and clear this environment, I just tap into the opposite energy of Guilt, Shame and Blame, in this case, Love, Acceptance, and Honor. While deeply feeling the emotions that those feelings bring up I can radiate that out into the environment thereby bringing in energy to a space that is weighted too far in the other direction.

This intentional direct manifestation and transmutation of energy isn’t advisable to do to others unless one has permission. Simply holding space can often create the same effect with people or environments where permission to do energy work may not be possible or granted by the owner of the space. With permission more can be done in the environment or with an individual.

After all this clearing/balancing of energy I was able to limit the big factors that may be interfering with my clarity in tapping into my own emotions. When I dropped back in on the guilty feeling inside what came to me was the name and image of a man I know.

The data on this was that I had tried calling him a few days prior on what I thought was his cell phone but got his wife instead at their home. When this happened I was a bit hurried and not really present. My mind was still locked on the idea that this was his cell phone and he must have left it at home. She even said something about how horrible he is about answering his cell phone and that I should talk with him about it which I jokingly agreed.

This all came back to me while meditating so I decided to call and tell him about my miscommunication with his wife. I was concerned that to not tell him may possibly drive a wedge between them since I was agreeing with her about something that never happened but might support some judgment she has about him. Plus, it could come back to me that I was making up stories or not being authentic with my communication.

This may never have been the outcome but I found that when I did call and explain the situation that it brought us closer together.

I am personally amazed by this whole process which has happened for me many other times in the past. I can tap into my subconscious, or my higher self, or some aspect of me that will get me this information and a whole lot more. Perhaps it is a soul aspect since the “feeling” was so strong.

As a side, I will share that there is a deep sadness that comes to me from time to time that I can never fully tap the root cause of. Its level and intensity varies. This deep seemly endless spiral into despair often takes every tool in my possession to pull out of. Sometimes even this doesn’t work and I just trust that the next day I will feel better and it gets me through. And it is always better.

I could only imagine what it would be like if I had learned all this right from childhood when the connections were still fresh. How much easier my life might have been if I was taught emotional intelligence, awareness of internal and external energy and how these subtle vibrations can affect someone like me.

For me it is all about having the ability to navigate and understand internal states. Knowing that these internal states don’t have to define me but instead guide me.

May you always know the intelligence that lives in calm centered balance,
Jason