My Friend the Banyan

Three years ago, I moved into a house amongst the trees.  One day a message rang like a distant bell within me, “Help me”  Over and over again I would hear this faint whisper coming from an area of my yard.  Many a place did my mind go trying to figure out what it was and where it was coming from.

Over a month was spent hacking back the jungle.  Pulling and straining to liberate the ties binding the land like the ribbon on a meticulously wrapped gift.  Each day revealed a new treasure….a mango tree, no two mango trees barely alive still, a banana plant, Hawaiian cherry trees, over 100 white pineapple plants, and even a hot tube.  The most monumental task was pulling the 30-foot-high vines out of this amazing banyan tree.  It was as if a wall was pulled across the whole side of the property. I wish I would have taken photos but strangely it never occurred to me until much later.  I was too excited to open my present each day.

One day I heard a “Thank you” and the feeling of joy flowing through my whole body reigniting my memory of my connection with all things.

Later other messages would come as I looked out towards this amazing being.  They were subtle and reassuring during some of my most difficult times.  Support and reassurance always there if I remembered to connect and breathe.  Now each morning I look to my friend, who reminds me to ground, raise my arms, and breathe giant heart breaths liberating the flow of energy within and around me.

Will you take the time to listen to those who remember the old ways?

May you find your old friends,

Jason

 

Toxic Masculinity

I am compelled to share this thing that occurred the other night. The strangest part is I can’t be sure it even really happened. It was something I heard but was it really spoken?

I go out dancing at a bar. Already an old pattern can rear its ugly head in my life. I have two beers to take the edge off all the energy I feel around me, another part of the pattern.

I am out dancing around a group of women not really engaging any directly. We are all feeling the vibes and enjoying the experience. It is the early part of the night when, usually at a bar, no one is really dancing yet except women. I know it is best to wait but I don’t care since I like the song.

After a while this guy comes out right near me and I hear the words, “You are a dead man.” He immediately starts dancing with one of the women near me, apparently his girlfriend. I feel as if punched in the face. I lose my joy, tighten up, and start to move robotically. I feel the anger and rage well up inside and then comes the old program from this energy within me, “What the hell. I am going to drop this skinny bitch!”

That’s the toxic male program right there. A part of me sized him up really quick, determined he could be taken out, and even threw in a little derogatory emasculating language designed to cut a man down by comparing him to a woman. As much work as I have done on this and my admiration of women it is still there. Right below the surface ready to cause pain physically, mentally and emotionally.

I play it cool and just keep dancing fighting off the need to retaliate. In my world at that moment a challenge has been thrown down, my safety threatened and I am ready to go. I check myself. I know that this might all just be in my head.

Did he really say it? It was so passive aggressive and subtle. Is this just a program too? Am I hearing an old voice in my head? An unwanted visitor designed to create pain in my world.

Was it me just feeling his energy coming through as an auditory experience? (This has happened before when a person’s energy is very intense and directed at me. I hear the energy signature of it. This is how telepathy works) The point of all this is there are many variables and I can’t be sure. With such things one must be disciplined.

Truth is it doesn’t matter. How I choose to respond consciously is the only real control I have.

As I process all this, I keep dancing. I am a little calmer and yet still trying to control my own strong passive aggressive impulse of wanting to “accidently” elbow him in the face by dancing too close.

I am angry. I just came out to have a good time something that I had to really push myself to do. I felt fear about it because of potential interactions like this. And so here it is. Self-fulfilling prophecy right. I get it. I don’t need advice on this. Knowing and being able to do it are two different things. I am just sharing if others want to understand how this works at least from my direct experience.

I leave the dance floor and chill out.

Later he is trying to walk where I am standing so I turn right towards him. I introduce myself really assertively as he tries to walk by me. I am not going to let him just ignore me. I want to see what he is about. I want to know if any of this is real and what kind of situation I am in.

It is my pattern in life to call out the elephant in the room.  I want to let him know that I am not interested in his girlfriend if that is the issue although I am more inclined to be now. It’s fine apparently but not that friendly. We keep it just a short introduction and nothing more as he keeps going back towards his girlfriend.

I go about my night but can’t fully shake it. I feel split and no longer fully present. I am not in integrity with myself internally. I have been partially taken over.

The whole vibe of the environment changes even more after a few friends of mine leave. I get the feeling it is time to go. I trust that and leave.

It took me a good couple of days to let go of all that. I was angry, sad, and struggling to stay positive about the world. So many crappy programs that try to tear us all apart.

It took a number of days walking on the cliffs near the ocean and a lot of breath and self-healing energy work to shift it. It is not surprising this came up as I have really accelerated clearing old patterns that keep me from interacting with the world and people in general. I realize it is not the fear of people as I long suspected by instead my visceral reactions to them that scares me.

I feel things so intensely that it is overwhelming scary to risk that getting triggered. Coupled with being an empath it is easier just to stay home most of the time. This does not serve me and so I must go and face those things that I myself am creating in the world by holding onto all this stuff.

I believe we create our reality based on what we hold within. I draw those experiences until I decide I know longer want them. What happened in the past and why they happened I can’t venture to explain I have tried for far too long and the truth is it doesn’t really fix it all that much. I did get strong and it drove me to connect to my abilities more from those “bad” experiences.

Now time is different and I must let go and move ahead. Breathe and know I am safe and don’t need to hurt anyone especially myself.

I need to take responsibility for what I hold that may be causing this timeline we are all on. I am working on clearing it and holding space for others to do the same. This from my understanding is what Ho’opnonopono is about. Connecting to Dr. Hew Len’s work helped me see that more fully and have another tool to deal with it.

In the past I might have labeled this experience as interference, or an attack from something else energetically trying to keep me from bringing my light to the world but more and more I am seeing that it doesn’t matter. That this too is just a subtle ego distortion of less than better than, it does not serve me.

If I want a different experience here on this planet. I need to let go of the remaining remnants of all that anger I let live inside me long ago. The blaming others, the criticizing those that seem to have power over me, belittling and wanting to fight those that I think are causing destruction in the world. The crafty darkness and pain parasite that never did anything but create a reality of separation.

Anything that tries to separate us into a “less than or better than” mentality is “toxic” to our unity and harmony no matter what gender we identify with or don’t.

It’s what throughout history has perpetuated great suffering in the world. When we take this on it is important to ask, “What is driving the need to do that?”

For me recently is was needing comfort and safety. Darkness and anger are not the best choice for that for me now in my life. It is certainly not what I want to share with the world. Even if I don’t act it out physically, the internal mental and emotional spewing of holding that in me is enough to cause toxicity in the world.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I do this to help process and maybe it will be helpful or at least interesting to others.

May you choose a reality of forgiveness and freedom from old programs,

Jason

Money

I am really working on letting go of my limitations in all their forms. Part of that is consciously connecting to the energy of money and allowing that energy, what Inelia Benz describes as an elemental force, to come into my life.

Inelia has freely shared a great process for connecting to this very powerful energy. As I use it the things that come up are painful and the visions are not always pleasant. The discipline is to just sit and watch them allowing the deep feeling beyond the judgement to be fully felt, realizing at the bottom what it all really is….a blessing of experience.

Reflecting later when done with the technique I can see how these experiences have solidified into unprocessed emotions masked in beliefs about money. It is no wonder there is so much intensity around this subject for so many people.

Even just doing an exercise like this will no doubt cause people to say what about inviting love and joy into your life? Well believe me I am doing that too and that is even scarier sometimes. It is a much more vulnerable process for me.

With all this processing about money an epiphany came to me today that money strongly represents an aspect of the element of ether. Many know the elements of fire, water, air, and earth but lesser known is that of ether. An unseen force all around us of which anything can manifest. It has been described as the human equivalent of the water a fish swims in.

Here is a link to Inelia’s website and the technique if you would like to try it out yourself. Feel free to share your experience with me if you like.

I will add that each day I do this I notice something different happening around me.

https://ineliabenz.com/self-empowerment-resources/reconnecting-spirit-money/

May you feel through to your knowing,

Jason

Bullying Energy in the Body

I recently asked for assistance in addressing my fear of intimacy, more specifically, romantic intimacy. I still seem to have a great deal of worry about what will happen in those situations. This goes beyond just mental stress and negative thoughts. It is like a feeling of being trapped or controlled. The paradox is that I often feel even more alone when I am with someone.

In my past I had unconsciously sabotaged relationships. I always kept people at a certain distance especially if it was a romantic one. The few rare cases when I didn’t freak out were when I knew that particular woman I was with wasn’t going to be around for very long. In those cases in true masochistic form I would surrender and be totally open and get crushed. I of course didn’t recognize this pattern for quite some time.

I have come a long way with my emotionally isolating behavior but yet the fear still remains. The strongest aspect of this fear is that I will repeat a pattern of being distant or emotionally reactive to another so as to create space. I can control a lot of it but the energy of the situations often feels overpowering.

In this session or work I was taken back to my childhood. I am 5 years old and there is a boy lying on top of me. It is dark, I am scared and feeling totally powerless. I can’t move at all I am being crushed. I feel like I am dying. Revisiting it I can feel how terrifying it was and how empty I felt. My inner light felt snuffed out. I didn’t remember any of this until this moment.

The boy is telling me I am nothing over and over again or at least that is the core belief that has been implanted in me from the experience. He laughs and I feel dead.

As the man I am today I symbolically pull the bully off of my child self and lift him up. I explain what happened to him and how that won’t happen again. I reassure him and give him what he needs as I totally breakdown crying while saying it. I give him and myself a new message. I clear it from my body and most importantly I remove the energy from my current station of identity. I removed the dark cloak of “you are nothing” from my physical and energetic bodies. With continued work in daily life it will no longer be a location of disempowerment or food for that which feeds on such low negative energy.

I see now how I had carried this traumatic experience in my body my whole life without even knowing. It was a worry and deep fear that at any moment someone was going to come along and take everything from me. They would make me feel like nothing, that I have no power to do anything and that I will die.

I now see it more clearly as a dark heavy energy that kept me from wanting to stand out, to own my gifts and abilities but most of all show my joy for life. I had often felt I had to tone everything down so I wouldn’t make someone jealous or upset. This is what I feel happened with the boy that smothered me and made me feel totally helpless. A feeling I never wanted again so I kept myself small. The interesting thing is that boy, whoever he was, probably has no idea how much that had impacted me. To him I was probably just some kid that annoyed him and so he allowed impulses to direct his behavior.

Scratching at a trauma memory is an opportunity to release the stuck energy in the body and give certain parts of self a different perspective from a place of a more mature awareness.  It is often childhood memories of experiences that can now be viewed differently. In the best case scenario, these situations can be healed from a place of empathy for the person or persons involved.

The key to a successful integration is to have an empowered stance to embody when the pattern reappears. Through the power of conscious awareness (Consciousness, Intent, Focus, Now Moment Presence) the traumatic pattern can be overridden once the energy in the body is released.

In that moment of re-experiencing trauma anything can be implanted in a person. They are there, it is alive and so taking it past that to a place of comfort and empowerment then anchoring that in with a tool such as an affirmation, visualization, feeling in the body, or specific movement will draw that more empowered energy in when the old trigger sets in.

I share these things as a Being who is willing to go to those dark spaces within so as to be better and has helped others do the same. I am grateful to all that assist me in that goal. You know who you are!

I feel I now have a “why” for when I start to freak out in relationships. Even better than the “why” I now have a tool to use in the form of an affirmation. If I remember to be conscious in those moments, it can pull me out of that undesired pattern. “I am safe with my Heart”

May you always feel safe with your Heart,

Jason

 

New Energy Coming Online

I let go of a lot of the negative harmful energy I was carrying since my last post in fact a huge part of it. An energy that I labeled as beast for the final purge, something I carried for a very long time. It was protecting me in a sense.

I was given the message of love being its intention. The reason to let it go was that the form of love it expressed in protecting me was no longer of service in my life. It was holding me back. I let it go and thanked it. I had assistance with this by supportive individuals in my life that could help create an environment where this could be facilitated.

The strange thing that happened after the release and letting go was that another energy came in immediately afterward. It was like this very advanced type aspect of myself. Something that seems very foreign to this world and not something I have seen fully manifested very often. It is like this very calm and capable emissary type being who is very poised and strong yet unassuming. This part scares me in a way for I know how powerful this type of energy is and I feel it has an effect or can trigger a great many people. If I work to embody it I must fully release fear.

The fearful parts I make up around what may happen if I embody this are internal dialogs of others like, “this guy thinks he is better than me” or “this person acts really weird. Why are they not reacting to all this drama?”

The humble truth is it is like this Christ/Kryst type consciousness that is very rarely seen manifested for long periods of time but cannot be ignored when it does. It is a force that is absolutely present and engaged with its environment but at the same time in total control of its self. It does not get sucked into drama by guilt, frustration or a sense of needing to belong. It stands strong and centered even in the face of attack which is defused because of its calm demeanor and ability to shift the very field of energy around a person/environment. This particular version presented to me is also in total control over body movements needed for defense like a Tai Chi master that simply points out the futility of even trying to hit him through extremely cultivated internal energy, balance and relaxation.

I refer to this energy or archetypal energy form as “it” for it transcends gender. It doesn’t even feel a part of this planet but like a visiting energy or something that is returning from long ago and will solidify this new paradigm.

Ultimately, it is about those that have the volition to allow their full human potential to come online and shine for all to see without fear or apology. Humans expressing their unique gifts from a place of balanced power and connection.

I feel this has been happening for a great many people for some time now. And it is important that I point out that it is an energy available not something I am saying I am right now. My hope is that by embracing more of this energy on a daily basis, remembering what it felt like and how it looked, that I will manifest this as the core of who I am in action and deed in the future. With any luck, seeing this mastery achieved in this lifetime.

May you always know this energy within and around you,

Jason

Dropping In and Balancing Energy

I would like to share a little of how I find balance with some very strong emotions that come up inside of me. How when I take the time and create the space within I can use that specific feeling to find balance not only internally but also with the external environment I am in.

Last week I was hit with an immense feeling of guilt. I felt it so strong and with such persistence that it occupied the bulk of my attention. It was really eating away at me. I felt myself starting to slip into self-abuse and negative thinking patterns but luckily stopped short of all that insanity.

Despite catching the pattern I still felt like I had did something wrong and that something horrible happened or will happen as a result of what I did. (Actually a very common feeling for me as a child).

I for the life of me couldn’t figure out what it was. I replayed the day’s events in my head and came up with a couple of possible things but upon further reflection they really weren’t anything more than judgments based on thinking that I did something wrong. Stuff like burning my clutch a little in my car while leaving an intersection or not taking the time to stop for someone who was nearing a crosswalk.

To get to the root of this very strong persistent feeling I decided to do some deeper work on it rather than just thinking. I sat down to meditate with the intention to clear all guilt, shame and blame.

I just sat there breathing connecting to my higher self, feeling and seeing that energy flowing inside me. I ran a couple affirmations to increase this connection. I calmed my mind and found my neutral center, that safe place inside. Casting out that which didn’t serve me.

I then cleared the energy in my environment of any shame, blame or guilt. I was at someone’s house who I often see battle with this behavior. I will have to ask his permission but was able to do it in that moment with seeing he would say yes when I ask him later (which he did). I was able to clear the energy by finding its polar opposite and bringing a specific flavor of energy in to create a potential balance between the two.

For me to harmonize and clear this environment, I just tap into the opposite energy of Guilt, Shame and Blame, in this case, Love, Acceptance, and Honor. While deeply feeling the emotions that those feelings bring up I can radiate that out into the environment thereby bringing in energy to a space that is weighted too far in the other direction.

This intentional direct manifestation and transmutation of energy isn’t advisable to do to others unless one has permission. Simply holding space can often create the same effect with people or environments where permission to do energy work may not be possible or granted by the owner of the space. With permission more can be done in the environment or with an individual.

After all this clearing/balancing of energy I was able to limit the big factors that may be interfering with my clarity in tapping into my own emotions. When I dropped back in on the guilty feeling inside what came to me was the name and image of a man I know.

The data on this was that I had tried calling him a few days prior on what I thought was his cell phone but got his wife instead at their home. When this happened I was a bit hurried and not really present. My mind was still locked on the idea that this was his cell phone and he must have left it at home. She even said something about how horrible he is about answering his cell phone and that I should talk with him about it which I jokingly agreed.

This all came back to me while meditating so I decided to call and tell him about my miscommunication with his wife. I was concerned that to not tell him may possibly drive a wedge between them since I was agreeing with her about something that never happened but might support some judgment she has about him. Plus, it could come back to me that I was making up stories or not being authentic with my communication.

This may never have been the outcome but I found that when I did call and explain the situation that it brought us closer together.

I am personally amazed by this whole process which has happened for me many other times in the past. I can tap into my subconscious, or my higher self, or some aspect of me that will get me this information and a whole lot more. Perhaps it is a soul aspect since the “feeling” was so strong.

As a side, I will share that there is a deep sadness that comes to me from time to time that I can never fully tap the root cause of. Its level and intensity varies. This deep seemly endless spiral into despair often takes every tool in my possession to pull out of. Sometimes even this doesn’t work and I just trust that the next day I will feel better and it gets me through. And it is always better.

I could only imagine what it would be like if I had learned all this right from childhood when the connections were still fresh. How much easier my life might have been if I was taught emotional intelligence, awareness of internal and external energy and how these subtle vibrations can affect someone like me.

For me it is all about having the ability to navigate and understand internal states. Knowing that these internal states don’t have to define me but instead guide me.

May you always know the intelligence that lives in calm centered balance,
Jason

Getting Triggered

I seem to have been getting triggered a lot lately. Luckily, I have come to learn that these things are opportunities for self-improvement and to practice being present. The biggest reminder of all is that if someone really pisses me off or upsets me it is because they are mirroring something I dislike about myself. This is definitely the case with a couple of recent extremely brief interactions.

The first one happened while I was driving down the road last week. A man in another car was making a left turn in front of me at the stop sign. It was very brief but the way he looked at me and the energy I felt from him really pissed a part of me off.

On the surface there was no reason for me to be upset he just looked and smiled. But for me it was the lack of acknowledgement even though he looked right at me. It was a feeling of “You are not worth my time and I am in my own little happy world”.

My anger further increased while I was stuck behind him and his nonchalant driving under the speed limit. I was strongly impulsed to blast past him in anger but I knew I was triggered and so I just kept driving normally. Besides, he wasn’t really driving all that slow especially for how laid back people can be on the island but as I was stuck behind him I could feel my anger still growing.

I was finally able to relax while focused on my breath and letting all the angry thoughts go. These thoughts created quite a story like, “Look at this guy all happy and not even paying attention to anything just living in his own little reality of perfection”. I caught these thoughts and knew this wasn’t really true but it is what was running through my head and had to be released.

Letting go is my needed discipline to be in control of myself and my actions. To make the choice in every moment of what I am doing with what comes up inside of me. These thoughts may be in my head but they do not need to be mine and they certainly don’t need to be indulged creating emotion (energy) or manifested into an action (force).

The second trigger happened later that same day. I am waiting for a parking spot only to have it taken by some guy that drives in the wrong way and totally snakes it from me. I remember even looking at the guy and saying “You totally snaked me” as I drove by choosing to just leave the situation. I let the impulse and thoughts overwhelm me briefly that time before I could catch it. I felt like I handled well as I was pretty hot and wanted to take it much further but I realized later I still could have handled it better.

What these two incidents have in common is a pattern I have that I was not fully aware of until recently. It is one of not fully acknowledging people because I am uncomfortable. The guy that took my spot didn’t see me waiting for it and I could have simply drove up and said something in a calm way. Because this is Hawaii there is a good chance he might have apologized and moved (It was the last spot in the loading zone for home depot and I was buying a bunch of wood). Instead I went into a victim type pattern and never allowed time for a more authentic interaction to occur. I simply went right into I was wronged and have a right to be pissed off and get upset before even making sure this guy knew I was there.

This justified victim mentality can lead to being a victimizer and is the energy that is so prevalent in the world right now.

I realized that I had put on that same attitude/energy that I had felt from the guy I was stuck behind. I was not acknowledging others in a calm and present way. It was if they didn’t exist to me and was blowing them off so I would be more comfortable in my avoidance. It was like a desire to be separate from them and not share the same space. This is impossible and can be felt by others. They may not know what it is but most will feel it.

For me the reason for this lack of fully acknowledging people I look at is because of some fear. I still often feel the need to protect myself and so I use all these conscious and unconscious techniques to do that. Like a superficial smile and brief eye contact.

The truth is I do not need to act like this. I am safe and by acting as if I am not or like a victim I can actually invite hostilities or at the very least superficial interactions which are not appreciated in a very amazing place like the Big Island of Hawaii. People actually look at each other here and smile even if they don’t know you. It is very rude not to acknowledge each other here. This is very different from where I grew up. I tell some locals this and they are amazed that many strangers would get upset with you if you smile at them or if you try to help them.

For me to simply put on a smile and not really look at people is something I could get away with on the mainland but here I see now that more is required. Perhaps it is the result of my intention to live life with an open and loving heart. The Universe always provides these kinds of opportunities in meeting my desire to be better.

So the work for me continues in healing my need to cover my own ass and keep people at a distance but I am grateful for my mirrors that help me see where I can improve and be a more open and loving human being.

May you remember to see the mirror,
Jason