The Rut

 

Sitting on the lanai he drinks his first drink of a beer knowing it isn’t going to help him. He has gone rounds with this addiction for a long time, conquered it succumbed again and again. Now after 15 years of work he drinks like a “normal person” but tonight he knows he is pushing it.

He is reaching to self-medicate. He knows he won’t go over his self-imposed limit of 3 to 4 beers in fact he only has two usually but this first one is from a place of desperation and the hope that it will dissipate his pain knowing deep inside it has never made it any better especially the next day.

He is frustrated and feeling defeated. His men’s group didn’t seem to help much tonight, the run he went on didn’t really help, the meditation he did that morning really didn’t accomplish anything. He drinks the beer and says fuck it. But as he pulls it away from his lips he has an almost uncontrollable impulse to launch the thing into the trees but he catches that.

Perhaps the mediation did help a bit. It gave him that split second amount of time to think, “Do I really want to throw this? Do I want to restart that pattern again too? His mind shows him the memory of throwing a beer bottle from the front door of his apartment long ago taking mild pleasure in the distance it took to get it all the way down the hill to land mashing into pieces in the middle of the highway below. He remembers this was a regular occurrence coming home late from the bar feeling alone and frustrated.

“No, I will just hold onto it”.

He decides to check in, to dive into himself where that impulse came from, realizing that it is another part of him that was wanting to take control. “What do you want?” he asks internally.

The message comes very quick and clear, “I want to fuck, to fight and to have fun. I am cooped up and going crazy!”

He gets it, realizing how much of his life this last year has been about getting things done, being a good man, doing what is right. He mentor’s youth in the schools for God’s sake he needs to be pleasant and kind and hold space. He can’t force or get upset when someone pokes at him.

He uses the dreaded modeling of vulnerability on a daily basis. There is a need to be unconditionally loving or in the jargon of psychology to show unconditional positive regard.

That is the discipline and he is happy to do it but another part is fucking dying while craving adventure, excitement, and danger. It wants to live free and out in the world without boundaries and all the formal communication pleasantries. Enough with the good man stuff already.

“How can we do those things without going to jail?” He asks the wild part. He realizes this is just an excuse to live small and safe. He could go out and see what is out in the little part of the world he lives in but he is afraid.

Afraid he will meet those bad men the ones that don’t seem to feel anything but anger and jealousy. Those men that value respect but rarely give it. Those that want to destroy anything different that challenges their comfort or threatens their alpha position.

He is afraid of being laughed at and ridiculed by others. He fears the stares and the energy that is directed his way. The very reason why he found so much comfort in alcohol long ago. He could numb that gift of his.

He could still feel and sense but the reaction was gone and he was in control. Flowed with the energies around him and delighted in being able to sense his surroundings but this was short lived and the result of the distortion from living in a shell and hiding during much of his youth.

So he drinks his beer and sits in silence on his lanai. Hoping someday things will be different.

If only he could utilize all the things he has learned, applied the laws/lore that are so well known to him yet fail to bring the outcomes he desires. He faces yet again the pain of almost there, the shadow of not good enough, and the pain of longing for something he can’t even describe anymore.

The term lanai is used instead of porch or deck as he lives in Hawaii, he has unique house that is very affordable, warm weather all year, lots of people that care about him, ability to get in the ocean anytime of year and a rewarding job. Yet his restlessness continues. Just a pattern

May you know and break free of what holds you,

Jason

Unwanted Visitor

I sit and contemplate my tortured fate…..wait….

Is it really?

No not at all.

Then why do I feel like this yet again?

It is there again that familiar anger and frustration. The familiar feeling that I am about to explode but can’t. I feel stuck in my body and forced to be where I am. I am forced to face the path I have placed myself on unable to let go and accept what is. This brings sadness and rage. The desire is to unleash and break something. The impulse to break out and break free….just plain break something but I know it not wise this time around.

Perhaps this current inspiration to write this here is the result of all that has come into my awareness at a deeper level lately. There have been epiphanies and deeper realizations of how I choose and create my reality. How what I focus on comes into my life and how all that I project out in the form of thoughts and judgments with the fuel of emotion is now what is seen before me.

In all honesty it is actually quite good. And yet here I am again, though I am feeling blessed with all the love of my family, wonderful supportive friends, and the love of a woman who takes me right to my heart in a way that I haven’t fully gone to in a long while the pain remains.

So why this depression, this feeling of frustration and pain….the unwanted visitor that comes to me and spins me out so that everything falls apart. All that I have worked to build and accomplish becomes stagnate with opportunities to proceed from my efforts potentially missed. Like paddling out to a wave just about to catch it and something pulls me down.

Lately I have gained some control over this as it is more of a, I am still on the surface of the ocean type thing, but the wave passes and I see all those that have caught it…Honestly, I sometimes wonder which is worse but I do delight in their play and enjoyment. It warms my dark mind and activates me into my heart to really see people doing what they love and living free.

I know I will get there too. I just need to break the mental groove in my head and the wake of its undertow which holds me in fear.  The subconscious groove or gutter of past thoughts that there dwells all I have created. That which may have served me long ago but now only houses the thought forms and limitations that visit me now.

Is it all mind stuff and the darkness is my own making. Will my world and the one around me change if I can catch my visitors and cast them out? Will I catch up with those who have done this and freed themselves from restriction and pain?

I will do it tonight and the next day and again and again until there is a new groove which will not be a gutter.

May you know inner harmony and external peace,

Jason

Dropping In and Balancing Energy

I would like to share a little of how I find balance with some very strong emotions that come up inside of me. How when I take the time and create the space within I can use that specific feeling to find balance not only internally but also with the external environment I am in.

Last week I was hit with an immense feeling of guilt. I felt it so strong and with such persistence that it occupied the bulk of my attention. It was really eating away at me. I felt myself starting to slip into self-abuse and negative thinking patterns but luckily stopped short of all that insanity.

Despite catching the pattern I still felt like I had did something wrong and that something horrible happened or will happen as a result of what I did. (Actually a very common feeling for me as a child).

I for the life of me couldn’t figure out what it was. I replayed the day’s events in my head and came up with a couple of possible things but upon further reflection they really weren’t anything more than judgments based on thinking that I did something wrong. Stuff like burning my clutch a little in my car while leaving an intersection or not taking the time to stop for someone who was nearing a crosswalk.

To get to the root of this very strong persistent feeling I decided to do some deeper work on it rather than just thinking. I sat down to meditate with the intention to clear all guilt, shame and blame.

I just sat there breathing connecting to my higher self, feeling and seeing that energy flowing inside me. I ran a couple affirmations to increase this connection. I calmed my mind and found my neutral center, that safe place inside. Casting out that which didn’t serve me.

I then cleared the energy in my environment of any shame, blame or guilt. I was at someone’s house who I often see battle with this behavior. I will have to ask his permission but was able to do it in that moment with seeing he would say yes when I ask him later (which he did). I was able to clear the energy by finding its polar opposite and bringing a specific flavor of energy in to create a potential balance between the two.

For me to harmonize and clear this environment, I just tap into the opposite energy of Guilt, Shame and Blame, in this case, Love, Acceptance, and Honor. While deeply feeling the emotions that those feelings bring up I can radiate that out into the environment thereby bringing in energy to a space that is weighted too far in the other direction.

This intentional direct manifestation and transmutation of energy isn’t advisable to do to others unless one has permission. Simply holding space can often create the same effect with people or environments where permission to do energy work may not be possible or granted by the owner of the space. With permission more can be done in the environment or with an individual.

After all this clearing/balancing of energy I was able to limit the big factors that may be interfering with my clarity in tapping into my own emotions. When I dropped back in on the guilty feeling inside what came to me was the name and image of a man I know.

The data on this was that I had tried calling him a few days prior on what I thought was his cell phone but got his wife instead at their home. When this happened I was a bit hurried and not really present. My mind was still locked on the idea that this was his cell phone and he must have left it at home. She even said something about how horrible he is about answering his cell phone and that I should talk with him about it which I jokingly agreed.

This all came back to me while meditating so I decided to call and tell him about my miscommunication with his wife. I was concerned that to not tell him may possibly drive a wedge between them since I was agreeing with her about something that never happened but might support some judgment she has about him. Plus, it could come back to me that I was making up stories or not being authentic with my communication.

This may never have been the outcome but I found that when I did call and explain the situation that it brought us closer together.

I am personally amazed by this whole process which has happened for me many other times in the past. I can tap into my subconscious, or my higher self, or some aspect of me that will get me this information and a whole lot more. Perhaps it is a soul aspect since the “feeling” was so strong.

As a side, I will share that there is a deep sadness that comes to me from time to time that I can never fully tap the root cause of. Its level and intensity varies. This deep seemly endless spiral into despair often takes every tool in my possession to pull out of. Sometimes even this doesn’t work and I just trust that the next day I will feel better and it gets me through. And it is always better.

I could only imagine what it would be like if I had learned all this right from childhood when the connections were still fresh. How much easier my life might have been if I was taught emotional intelligence, awareness of internal and external energy and how these subtle vibrations can affect someone like me.

For me it is all about having the ability to navigate and understand internal states. Knowing that these internal states don’t have to define me but instead guide me.

May you always know the intelligence that lives in calm centered balance,
Jason