Depression and Suicide

How many times have you fallen into the dark hole? That dark seemly bottomless pit of despair and hopelessness which if your anything like me, at its worse, has left you literally laying on the kitchen floor giving up all hope of anything being able to help. Then what happens?

We all get up and move forward (and yes if you want to go really dark, we have to get up to do that as well). As it passes a realization occurs, an epiphany about something. We see something more clearly or become more fixed on something. It is as if passing through the eye of the needle and we are shot out into the world with a new realization and rawness about life around us.

If this is a positive focus it will bring new experiences and people into our lives. If it is a negative focus then we will find ourselves again on that floor in a short amount of time but not before being driven to coping mechanisms.

Shift this by reaching for the positive coping mechanism. Know what they are, have them literally written down somewhere. What are the helpful coping mechanisms and which are the not so helpful ones?

We are now at that time of choice. The movie or the creating? The cigarette or the run? The complaining or the gratitude? The time in nature or the social media? Sleeping in or the morning routine? Being with people or isolating?

This very process of falling into the dark hole is one of creativity and a form of a shamanistic journey in my opinion. It is definitely an altered state and if you are really paying attention you will know you are not alone during those times.

And so, it is true of all fields of energy. We draw to us what we put out but sometimes we must go into the dark cave. This may happen as part of our mission and journey here. If it is really intense it may be the Universe initiating you or what has been called the dark night of the soul. We must face what is in that darkness that tries to scare us and drag us to a place where we forget who and what we really are.

We become intimate with the darkness and all the thoughts and feelings that dwell there. We may forget that we are still connected and loved. But then we pass through and years later that horrible experience now seems a blessing. Showing us how far we have come and that we are still here able to enjoy the happy moments.

My experience is that it will happen many times to varying degrees no matter how much work we do. I have come to see this as the crouching before the leap, the cocoon before the blossoming freedom of flight. It is an indication that something big needs to be shed so I can move forward. With context things are not as scary. And with context things are easier to navigate.

Early on I knew there was more to this earthly existence because of the dark. I found my confirmation in that place. Those things that lurk there are real and so it must be true for those of the light. I chose the light and I choose to work on embodying the Love that always surrounds us all.

If you are suffering move towards those things and people that can help. You know what they are. If you don’t ask it from the universe.  Chose them, chose to be here, chose to shed the negative overlay…..find the treasure in the cave, return and share it with us. We need it, we need you, we love you!

May you find who you are even in the darkness,


My Saturn Return

This one was kind of hard to write but I feel it needs to be shared so I will be able to continue.

There is a phenomenon that happens around age 28 and lasts till around the 30th birthday called the Saturn return (1st one). It is a period in one’s life that causes deep reflection and a need to make drastic changes if they have deviated too far from what their intended journey was about. There is free will choice in how we move beyond it or at least that is what I experienced.

At this point in my life I was not on what I would call the right track. I was working jobs I disliked and had just basically been partying in order to cope with depression and anxiety for over 10 years. I was going nowhere. I was getting too old to be out at clubs and bars chasing women. Despite all this effort put into finding someone I was alone because of my intimacy issues and an extremely guarded nature. I had friends but it was very hard for me to be in a romantic relationship for very long. I had all kinds of issues around this that I was not consciously aware of until years later. I battled thoughts of suicide and had always assumed I would be dead by this age. I didn’t want attention or anything; in fact I planned to make it look like an accident. I had a couple of places picked out where I could wreck my car pretty good that way no one would be upset that they didn’t try to help me. There was nothing anyone could do to help, I just wanted to have it all done and over with. I was unable to accept or deal with certain things that I couldn’t change.

I had very few emotional tools. I started getting into trouble with the law and eventually wrecked the car I loved one night hitting a parked van. Things progressed to a point where I started to black out when I drank probably because I was popping pills and drinking all while taking prescribed medication for my depression and anxiety. I was like a big empty hole, trying to fill myself with anything I could to feel better. This time was actually my dark night of the soul coinciding with the Saturn return. Everything was being torn down around me and I was experiencing massive pressure to change my ways or suffer intensified consequences. I realized I needed help after waking up on the floor of my friend’s apartment one morning not remembering anything about the night before. I mean nothing except two brief pictures in my head of me looking down at a drink in my hand recognizing the pattern of the carpet of a bar I frequented and another of me shifting gears in my jeep saying “how did I lose them in this thing?” I never even intended to leave the house that night. I just planned on drinking at home with my friend. When I awoke on his floor totally confused and feeling like hell I asked “What happened? How did I get here?” to which my friend replied “Dude, Do you know what you did last night?” Those were the scariest words I have ever heard. I had no idea what I did. I had never experienced losing a whole night like that. There were times when I would realize I had been rude to someone or did something stupid and would feel bad about it the next day but not forgetting a whole night. Apparently, I had hit a car while changing lanes on the freeway and then tried to run. When the person I hit chased after me I tried to run them off the road. I finally realized this had all gone too far and I needed to get my shit together especially when I got back to my house and found a note on my front door from the state patrol. So I quit drinking, I quit everything and voluntarily went to outpatient treatment and AA meetings. I was very lucky with my sentence in that I only had house arrest for a couple of weeks. People would be like that is nothing but I tell you it had an effect. I saw how easy I could go down the wrong road and how I had been very lucky in the past. I felt my luck was running out and it was time to change.

I did well with quitting everything. I still smoked cigarettes but other than that was totally clean for at least a year. I would drink from time to time afterwards but nowhere near what I had done before. During that year sober I found AA very helpful in the beginning but I had a hard time hearing the stories after a while which actually made me want to drink. I wasn’t an alcoholic, I didn’t have an illness other than I was trying to cope with my issues in a very unhealthy way.

I was very bored not being able to drink and worked to find other things to do which wasn’t easy when battling social anxiety. I eventually decided I needed to move, to go somewhere sunny and warm. I needed to start over and figure out how to get whole again. I needed to get away from all the familiar places and the people I could call to go out drinking with. So just before my 30th birthday I packed everything into a U haul trailer and my jeep and headed for Phoenix Arizona. I remember I was so ready to get out of Washington State that I actually left that afternoon. Grabbed a 4 shot espresso (still rockin the caffeine addiction pretty strong back then) and hit I-5 feeling alive and free for the first time in years. There were many temptations that seemed to appear just before I left Washington but I knew I needed to set out on my spiritual journey. I feel I was given a choice of the material comforts that seemed to all of a sudden appear and venturing out into the unknown to claim my birthright of reclamation of all parts of self and sovereign freedom. So I chose to seek that great internal adventure, the unknown. I needed to find evidence of the truth I always held in my heart. That there is magic and mystery in the world, that all the things I felt and believed deep inside were real.

I would spend the next couple of years in AZ working and with all of my free time dedicated to reading and researching all the things I had been curious about my whole life but never took the time to look at because I was so distracted. I learned so much but I had a hard time finding the spiritual info I so desperately craved. It remained veiled from me. I would just keep hitting dead ends. After a while I started to become obsessed with past lives and began seeking out many different psychics to find out more about who I was in other times and to try and get answers to the endless questions I had. Eventually, I met my metaphysics teacher in this way, a woman who helped me in so many ways I cannot even begin to do her justice in a blog post. I had a great deal of negativity and anger back then and so it took someone who was fearless of the dark to work with me. Many of the psychics I went to have readings with would kind of freak out a little when they tapped into my energy field. Perhaps it was because of the environment I was in for so long but it also seemed to be the result of some very violent past lives I had and a negative world view I was still trying to let go of. My teacher was not scared by these things in fact she was even thoughtful enough to warn me that when I set foot on this path I couldn’t turn back. I would be on the spiritual journey, that it wasn’t always going to be pleasant and there would be great responsibilities with what I was learning. She knew how hard one has to fight to get free of the things I was experiencing. I gladly accepted and to this day do not regret it at all. It is the path I was meant to walk. It was what was missing my whole life. I had descended into a dark pit and was able to slowly crawl back out.

Those early years with that teacher I learned how to read tarot cards, some ritual magic (I was watched very closely with this and not allowed to use any predatory animals as totems), was guided to many helpful books, and learned to let go of a lot of the dark energy I carried. I also learned many common everyday things like how to communicate with people, that healthy food can taste good, how to be a more responsible adult. I became aware of the many unhealthy defense mechanisms I had like being passive aggressive. I learned to find balance between the light and the dark, to embrace my light without fear. Through spiritual teachings and desired abilities I was inspired to gain control over myself and my drinking, I rarely wanted it. I no longer enjoyed how I felt on it or anything else that would artificially alter my state of consciousness. I liked being awake and aware and in control of myself. I would still feel things strongly and sometimes have difficulty not focusing on negativity which made me want to drink especially when in groups but over time I acquired many different tools to utilize in those instances. The info is out there I just had to be willing to look and ask the right questions. Guidance is always listening.

May you always find your way,