Toxic Masculinity

I am compelled to share this thing that occurred the other night. The strangest part is I can’t be sure it even really happened. It was something I heard but was it really spoken?

I go out dancing at a bar. Already an old pattern can rear its ugly head in my life. I have two beers to take the edge off all the energy I feel around me, another part of the pattern.

I am out dancing around a group of women not really engaging any directly. We are all feeling the vibes and enjoying the experience. It is the early part of the night when, usually at a bar, no one is really dancing yet except women. I know it is best to wait but I don’t care since I like the song.

After a while this guy comes out right near me and I hear the words, “You are a dead man.” He immediately starts dancing with one of the women near me, apparently his girlfriend. I feel as if punched in the face. I lose my joy, tighten up, and start to move robotically. I feel the anger and rage well up inside and then comes the old program from this energy within me, “What the hell. I am going to drop this skinny bitch!”

That’s the toxic male program right there. A part of me sized him up really quick, determined he could be taken out, and even threw in a little derogatory emasculating language designed to cut a man down by comparing him to a woman. As much work as I have done on this and my admiration of women it is still there. Right below the surface ready to cause pain physically, mentally and emotionally.

I play it cool and just keep dancing fighting off the need to retaliate. In my world at that moment a challenge has been thrown down, my safety threatened and I am ready to go. I check myself. I know that this might all just be in my head.

Did he really say it? It was so passive aggressive and subtle. Is this just a program too? Am I hearing an old voice in my head? An unwanted visitor designed to create pain in my world.

Was it me just feeling his energy coming through as an auditory experience? (This has happened before when a person’s energy is very intense and directed at me. I hear the energy signature of it. This is how telepathy works) The point of all this is there are many variables and I can’t be sure. With such things one must be disciplined.

Truth is it doesn’t matter. How I choose to respond consciously is the only real control I have.

As I process all this, I keep dancing. I am a little calmer and yet still trying to control my own strong passive aggressive impulse of wanting to “accidently” elbow him in the face by dancing too close.

I am angry. I just came out to have a good time something that I had to really push myself to do. I felt fear about it because of potential interactions like this. And so here it is. Self-fulfilling prophecy right. I get it. I don’t need advice on this. Knowing and being able to do it are two different things. I am just sharing if others want to understand how this works at least from my direct experience.

I leave the dance floor and chill out.

Later he is trying to walk where I am standing so I turn right towards him. I introduce myself really assertively as he tries to walk by me. I am not going to let him just ignore me. I want to see what he is about. I want to know if any of this is real and what kind of situation I am in.

It is my pattern in life to call out the elephant in the room.  I want to let him know that I am not interested in his girlfriend if that is the issue although I am more inclined to be now. It’s fine apparently but not that friendly. We keep it just a short introduction and nothing more as he keeps going back towards his girlfriend.

I go about my night but can’t fully shake it. I feel split and no longer fully present. I am not in integrity with myself internally. I have been partially taken over.

The whole vibe of the environment changes even more after a few friends of mine leave. I get the feeling it is time to go. I trust that and leave.

It took me a good couple of days to let go of all that. I was angry, sad, and struggling to stay positive about the world. So many crappy programs that try to tear us all apart.

It took a number of days walking on the cliffs near the ocean and a lot of breath and self-healing energy work to shift it. It is not surprising this came up as I have really accelerated clearing old patterns that keep me from interacting with the world and people in general. I realize it is not the fear of people as I long suspected by instead my visceral reactions to them that scares me.

I feel things so intensely that it is overwhelming scary to risk that getting triggered. Coupled with being an empath it is easier just to stay home most of the time. This does not serve me and so I must go and face those things that I myself am creating in the world by holding onto all this stuff.

I believe we create our reality based on what we hold within. I draw those experiences until I decide I know longer want them. What happened in the past and why they happened I can’t venture to explain I have tried for far too long and the truth is it doesn’t really fix it all that much. I did get strong and it drove me to connect to my abilities more from those “bad” experiences.

Now time is different and I must let go and move ahead. Breathe and know I am safe and don’t need to hurt anyone especially myself.

I need to take responsibility for what I hold that may be causing this timeline we are all on. I am working on clearing it and holding space for others to do the same. This from my understanding is what Ho’opnonopono is about. Connecting to Dr. Hew Len’s work helped me see that more fully and have another tool to deal with it.

In the past I might have labeled this experience as interference, or an attack from something else energetically trying to keep me from bringing my light to the world but more and more I am seeing that it doesn’t matter. That this too is just a subtle ego distortion of less than better than, it does not serve me.

If I want a different experience here on this planet. I need to let go of the remaining remnants of all that anger I let live inside me long ago. The blaming others, the criticizing those that seem to have power over me, belittling and wanting to fight those that I think are causing destruction in the world. The crafty darkness and pain parasite that never did anything but create a reality of separation.

Anything that tries to separate us into a “less than or better than” mentality is “toxic” to our unity and harmony no matter what gender we identify with or don’t.

It’s what throughout history has perpetuated great suffering in the world. When we take this on it is important to ask, “What is driving the need to do that?”

For me recently is was needing comfort and safety. Darkness and anger are not the best choice for that for me now in my life. It is certainly not what I want to share with the world. Even if I don’t act it out physically, the internal mental and emotional spewing of holding that in me is enough to cause toxicity in the world.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I do this to help process and maybe it will be helpful or at least interesting to others.

May you choose a reality of forgiveness and freedom from old programs,

Jason