The Reluctant Energy Vampire

It has been a while since I have posted anything. I have had some very profound shifts and realizations lately much of it occurring around the end of the last year. I was told there was a very powerful event involving Pluto and death at this time. Basically, the removing of all that is no longer of service etc… I don’t get too into astrology, but I do find it helpful and in this case there was definitely something going on. I have been really moving through a lot and have seen great change in others recently as well.

The capstone on my recent realizations was something that happened only last week. I went to a lecture among a small group of people. I was feeling pretty comfortable until a woman came in late and sat down beside me. I at once had a flood of mild anxiety which I was able to sooth. There was nothing abnormal about this response as I am often somewhat guarded or anxious around new people. I was able to catch the reaction and calm my body. I was then aware of thoughts coming into my head around my value and what the person thought of me. This too was mild and I was able to let what aspects I was conscious of go. It would be silly to think I had become totally comfortable and removed all judgmental thoughts in that moment.

After a short time I returned my full attention back to the lecture which I really was interested in. All of a sudden I felt this comfort and relief come over me. I felt a part of me express something like “she approves of me or likes me”. The strength of this surprised me. I realized I had wanted approval from this woman, not so much that I was interested in her but because she was in close proximity to me. I wanted more comfort, comfort coming from outside of myself.

This feeling came in very strongly because, as I realized later when talking with her that she is also seeking outside comfort. I am not sure the extent of what has happened in her life, but by what I could gather from her situation and our brief communication is that she has been through a lot emotionally.

I realized I was putting out energetic tentacles to find comfort. I didn’t do this intentionally and thought I was being stable in my body and energy, but there was a part of me reaching out for comfort to a total stranger.

This can be vampiric when it is done, or even especially when done unconsciously. There is nothing wrong with reaching out to others, but what I realized is that I may be doing this more than I ever knew. If I am not focused on my own physical embodiment and self-sourcing comfort I may be unknowingly trying to feed off of any source outside of myself for that comfort (see my post on “Embodiment” and also “The Unholy Trinity” for more info on this). This can feel extremely uncomfortable to people unless they are in a similar dependent energy state, but even this is temporary.

Some of the most profound wisdom I ever heard which helps explain this is, “We are all mirrors for each other”.

I came to this recent realization because of various people in my life and the interactions I have been having with them lately. There is a whole pattern of me drawing those of like energy who have specific aspects that really irritate or upset me. These irritations or frustrations are pointing to things I myself am doing, otherwise they would not be so upsetting. My first impulse is often to try and change the other person or my environment, but that is impossible to sustain. I am putting that energy out and energy flows in all directions and affects everything. It doesn’t matter if we are conscious of it or not, it will still happen. It seems that even a subtle amount has an effect, but I can’t directly measure how subtle because it is subjective. I imagine it can accumulate, though.

I am grateful for all my mirrors over the years. Those who have shown me what needs more work within and for pointing out my blind spots. I know I am truly responsible for my own comfort and security in the world. When this is achieved it is shared and reciprocated in a balanced way. When this is approached externally through a desperate need to find comfort from fear or insecurities it can become vampiric no matter how Krystic or spiritually advanced I may think I am.

May you see the truth in every mirror,

The Unlikely Teacher

I have been blessed with a great many amazing teachers over the years. Some it was obvious this was the situation, others it wasn’t until years later when I realized how profound their wisdom was.

There is one particular person I have been thinking about lately and using a technique he shared with me many years ago. This person was someone I worked with and who became a lifelong friend. When we were in our early twenties we would often “go out drinking” heading to parties, out to clubs and bars, and even in the early years before I was 21 out cruising. He always had an ability to energize situations and motivate people. He was very much the life of the party and knew a lot of people; even though he wasn’t always well received he stayed up. When going to a party or something, we had this ritual of the “pump up jam” it was not always the same song but it was always a perfect fit to really set the mood and get the energy going. Some of the most fun and interesting experiences of my life were hanging out with this guy. People would probably frown on some of our behaviors and actions but how is that different from most other judgments. I was young and very upset with life, often depressed or in a self-imposed isolation. These years going out drinking was really what brought me out of my shell and helped me be in the world. I feared interacting with people but yet I was so drawn to do it. The alcohol calmed my nervous system and relaxed my mind enough so as not over think and analyze everything (I didn’t know it then but I also felt the energy of people and environments which was part of what caused me to avoid these things). Alcohol was the only tool I had back then. But anyway, I am getting off track. So this person had an ability to increase happiness in others and in himself. I remember him telling me that it is about remembering something good when you feel down. This isn’t really all that profound except that he could actually do it. He knew I got depressed and shared this with me but I didn’t realize how powerful it was until I started learning about intention and meditating but even then I rarely used it. More recently I have been finding the need to really fine tune this technique.

In the past couple of years my meditations had become very powerful, able to connect in after about 20 minutes or often even much sooner. But now that I experience a lot of stress from school or other things I allow to build up inside of me and not having as much time for meditation, I was finding it hard to get to this place free from all the thoughts. So for a while very little was working for me to feel that connection, that energy really flowing through my body that I could see and feel. I realized I had to create the connection. It is actually always there but for me to really feel it and flow with it free from interference I have to call it in with the power of my own consciously directed energy. Raising my frequency through my own internal creative force not needing any external thing like music or the guided meditations of another, though those things I still find helpful after having my clear connection established. Maybe this is just another part of my process to overcome depression and anxiety. To be a master of my energy in every moment so as not to fall into depression or anxiety and so that I am absolutely in control of what energy I am emanating out into my environment. It is very hard to connect when the thoughts that have been collecting in my head have created a very low mood. I could clear the thoughts but the mood and energy was still low.

So now I remember the good times and bring that feeling to my now moment awareness especially when meditating. I do not dwell too long or become attached to the memory but instead feel the energy of it and use that to boost my frequency. This really puts me back in my heart after spending a whole day in my head studying for a big biopsychology test and experiencing a racing mind.

May you always experience the wisdom in those you meet,