Love and Laughter

dolphinswimIt has been a long while since I have posted anything in this blog. There is so much to share. For the first time I find myself creating and manifesting things that I truly desire. These are things that bring me great joy and pleasure. They increase my bliss but at the same time terrify me. This terror, I am realizing, is more simply being excited and open in ways I have never been.

More background is in order to really tell this story. Not to get too much into the past but I realize that so much of what I tried to create before was contingent on specifics and what would fit into my comfort zone which honestly wasn’t a whole lot. I see now how things I want to experience bring up fear just before they happen and I almost bail on them. No wonder many never even showed up. It wasn’t until I kept doing other things that scared me that they could even appear.

I see the fear as a big part of why things didn’t come my way. The fear is so much less for me now for I truly believe that we are now living on a planet that will support those who step out and stand in their power. What used to make us open targets for simply living our truth and being/doing what we came here to do upset others. Those others can be people or often more specifically an energy that works through them.

A few months back I made a stretch or goal to sit down and spend at least an hour meditating/focusing/fixating on what it is I want to experience in this life. What I want to achieve and do. I made a list of these things surprisingly easily and some steps of how to get there. Reflecting I found that these steps didn’t always get me there but feel they were important to take. The Universe saw my effort and desire. I found I have already arrived halfway down my list.

I put on my first workshop on personal energy. Something I always wanted to do but scared me. I wanted to find a girlfriend something I have spent a lifetime doing only to reject just about everyone that came my way. I opened up and embraced the gift that was in front of in the form of a truly amazing woman that is a great healer, leader, and takes people to swim with dolphins.  I am writing this at the airport awaiting a flight to London where I will meetup with this magical woman who came into my life just a short time ago. She has helped blast me into so much happiness that I am almost in tears at this writing. We are going to travel around Europe and spend time in some very special places I have always wanted to visit. This woman has shown up in my life in the most unexpected way and has opened my heart and filled it with Love and Laughter. This is the medicine that I experienced when she invited me to swim with wild dolphins recently.

There is so much more to write and more will come during this trip. Until then I want to share the most amazing and utterly unbelievable thing that happened on the last dolphin swim we did.

I swim out away from the boat looking down. The light bounces back at me from deep below in rays originating from a center that can’t be seen. Just then I look and see six or seven dolphins about 40 feet below slowly swimming straight up at me in an upward spiral motion with two dolphins dancing/mating in the center. The rays of light are coming from that place and shining right at me. It was like some ridiculous painting that one might expect to see in a new age shop that was just too intense and filled with so much joy, love and laughter that it couldn’t possibly be real. Seeing something like that I would judge that the artist is surely so touched that they are bordering on insanity. But in that moment that was what I felt. I was so blasted and stricken by this scene that I froze in a coma of bliss and realization of what I had missed. What I rejected, what I felt sure was madness in others. To live in so much magic and mystery and to see and feel it right in front of me. This was not in some other plane of existence, some subtle energy experience. That I was used to, this was right there embodied. It was a dance, a connection, a circle of divinity that was simply the nature of reality for such an advanced species that never forgot who they are. It reminded me of home and of what I want in my life.

I create my circle and I embrace that Love and Laughter.

May you live in Love and Laughter,

Jason

Embracing the Feminine and Releasing the Perpetrator Protector

I had one of those realizations or deep awareness’s recently that are so strong that they feel like they reach beyond space and time. Beyond the constructs of mental thought with such intensity and emotion that it is hard to ignore the great truth coming through in that moment. At the same time knowing that I could never empirically prove the truth of such a deep inner experiential thing. This doesn’t even matter that much to me anymore I write about it here to help process it and to share with those that have similar experiences with inner states that are more than just the result of thoughts or triggered emotions.

I am truly blessed to live in Hawaii. I am coming to really appreciate that and surrender to it. I am allowing myself to enjoy this amazing and powerful place, to be in joy more with it. One of the great things about living in Hawaii is that in February I can go outside and pick fresh cherry tomatoes for my morning breakfast. I was doing this the other day on an exceptionally beautiful morning in which I was feeling very good and happy about this blessing in my life. As I am picking the tomatoes I am also acknowledging their beauty and thanking the plant, something I try to remember to do to be more conscious of the life that is within all things and increase my gratitude. Out of nowhere I am hit with a vision, a feeling and a profound experiential knowing.

I am conscious and aware of my surroundings but I feel as if I am in Italy long ago and I am a woman who is also picking tomatoes having the same reverence for her many blessings and for the beauty all around her/me. It feels good, it feels so safe and soft and all those things that the feminine energy can encompass. I allow myself to feel that vulnerability, a surrender to being connected and feeling safe knowing I am protected. Well right around this moment I feel that fear come in. I feel the message that I am not safe that this is going to be taken from me. At any moment someone is going to come and hurt me to rip this from me. I feel the need to protect myself come up. I just witness this from my current station of identity as Jason a male in this life.

I see how I have had this feeling of not being safe much of my life, feeling as though at any minute someone or something is going to attack me, to put me down to take me away from what I hold most precious.

I realize that long ago as a warrior in a village, tribe or town I would need to prepare for the inevitable event that war would break out or that someone will come to take what I have or to attack my family and those I love. That they will come destroy the feminine, that part that is open and loving and ready to nurture and care.

In this life I have fiercely protected that part in a more emotionally closed off way. I am working on letting that go. Letting go of the need to protect and put up walls and barriers that really end up trapping that part or energy, keeping it from being free to expand.
I am in a good place in my life now here in Hawaii and can be connected to this very vulnerable part, I can let go and feel safe even when things are uncomfortable, but can I let go of that part of me that holds all this back?

That part that will protect me in very destructive ways. A part that would feel right at home on an ancient battlefield shut down emotionally and able to stuff down what is felt in the heart. Becoming what has been called the shadow warrior.

To me the shadow warrior is able to do whatever it takes to protect something to the point it is closed off and shut down emotionally in order to do what it takes to “get it done”. It cannot see beyond the task at hand and a big reason why I will never truly be free to love until I let go of this energy which is not really me. I have perhaps embraced it many times in other lives and often felt the comfort of it being there in this life but this embraced energy is outside me and can be cast out if I am willing.

I am still working on releasing this long ago invited energy. It feels safe this monster. It has protected me in a way even though I have never needed to fully call on it in this lifetime. This protection has a cost and is a big part of what is keeping me from really connecting to my feminine in a real, balanced, and sustainable way. I feel I will not be the mature masculine until I can fully let this aspect go.

It is as if I think I need to go berserk at some point to fight off an invading army or just say 3 guys who want to hurt me or someone I love. This shadow warrior or what has been more specifically referred to as dark perpetrator energy is very destructive, hard to control and can as a man in a recent training explained, “can tear down a house”.

I cast a large part of this out recently. I am choosing to attain self-mastery in this life. I let go of the shadow warrior who can turn off everything and do what needs to be done knowing that it is the result of a boy’s mentality. It is an unconscious checking out and letting something else take over to feel safe and powerful.

My intention is that in letting this go I will actually be able to achieve a higher level of the warrior, one who is connected and using divine guidance to temper the extremes of the shadow warrior. This creation of a more Zen space in skill and mastery (magician) will allow me to draw upon my strength and marital arts skill in a safe and conscious way. If I ever need to protect myself or others it would be much more like the calm Kung Fu master who fights only when he needs to and done in a way that is really showing the error in even fighting.

This isn’t just about physical acts of protection for me it is largely about being able to gain control over emotions and mental thoughts that come up from fear and calling on the monster not even knowing it. It will subtlety rear its head when my ego is being threatened or when not attaining shallow ego desires. It will manifest as enemy patterning and a need to be right. It will often ruthlessly defend a position and refuse to surrender when I am not paying attention. It shows up when I feel like I am losing control or being too vulnerable and connected to another.

I now feel this energy as very separate from me, like I can simply watch it. I see how it keeps me from connecting to others. It is a monster capable of ruthless acts to protect itself. I have never needed to fully call on it but felt I needed it. The biggest reason I realized this need was around thoughts of, “what if all hell breaks loose and it is total Armageddon and I have to fight to survive.” I didn’t feel safe in the world for a long time and wanted something mean and nasty to protect me.

This is like the last vestiges from when in this current life I chose between light and darkness. A salient point in my life while in mediation over 15 years ago. I wrote about it in the post Choosing the Light.

So I am now letting go of that darkness from other lifetimes where I lost it and choose not to connect in a harmonious way with others when dealing with adversity. I see the need to let go of this false protector, this energy of volatility, of the cornered animal that will do anything to protect itself. I am the divine human being not that which feeds off of the negative judgments of experiences.

May you know yourself as Sovereign and Free,
Jason

For more on archetypal representations of energy check out the excellent book: King, Warrior, Magician, Lover by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette.

Dropping In and Balancing Energy

I would like to share a little of how I find balance with some very strong emotions that come up inside of me. How when I take the time and create the space within I can use that specific feeling to find balance not only internally but also with the external environment I am in.

Last week I was hit with an immense feeling of guilt. I felt it so strong and with such persistence that it occupied the bulk of my attention. It was really eating away at me. I felt myself starting to slip into self-abuse and negative thinking patterns but luckily stopped short of all that insanity.

Despite catching the pattern I still felt like I had did something wrong and that something horrible happened or will happen as a result of what I did. (Actually a very common feeling for me as a child).

I for the life of me couldn’t figure out what it was. I replayed the day’s events in my head and came up with a couple of possible things but upon further reflection they really weren’t anything more than judgments based on thinking that I did something wrong. Stuff like burning my clutch a little in my car while leaving an intersection or not taking the time to stop for someone who was nearing a crosswalk.

To get to the root of this very strong persistent feeling I decided to do some deeper work on it rather than just thinking. I sat down to meditate with the intention to clear all guilt, shame and blame.

I just sat there breathing connecting to my higher self, feeling and seeing that energy flowing inside me. I ran a couple affirmations to increase this connection. I calmed my mind and found my neutral center, that safe place inside. Casting out that which didn’t serve me.

I then cleared the energy in my environment of any shame, blame or guilt. I was at someone’s house who I often see battle with this behavior. I will have to ask his permission but was able to do it in that moment with seeing he would say yes when I ask him later (which he did). I was able to clear the energy by finding its polar opposite and bringing a specific flavor of energy in to create a potential balance between the two.

For me to harmonize and clear this environment, I just tap into the opposite energy of Guilt, Shame and Blame, in this case, Love, Acceptance, and Honor. While deeply feeling the emotions that those feelings bring up I can radiate that out into the environment thereby bringing in energy to a space that is weighted too far in the other direction.

This intentional direct manifestation and transmutation of energy isn’t advisable to do to others unless one has permission. Simply holding space can often create the same effect with people or environments where permission to do energy work may not be possible or granted by the owner of the space. With permission more can be done in the environment or with an individual.

After all this clearing/balancing of energy I was able to limit the big factors that may be interfering with my clarity in tapping into my own emotions. When I dropped back in on the guilty feeling inside what came to me was the name and image of a man I know.

The data on this was that I had tried calling him a few days prior on what I thought was his cell phone but got his wife instead at their home. When this happened I was a bit hurried and not really present. My mind was still locked on the idea that this was his cell phone and he must have left it at home. She even said something about how horrible he is about answering his cell phone and that I should talk with him about it which I jokingly agreed.

This all came back to me while meditating so I decided to call and tell him about my miscommunication with his wife. I was concerned that to not tell him may possibly drive a wedge between them since I was agreeing with her about something that never happened but might support some judgment she has about him. Plus, it could come back to me that I was making up stories or not being authentic with my communication.

This may never have been the outcome but I found that when I did call and explain the situation that it brought us closer together.

I am personally amazed by this whole process which has happened for me many other times in the past. I can tap into my subconscious, or my higher self, or some aspect of me that will get me this information and a whole lot more. Perhaps it is a soul aspect since the “feeling” was so strong.

As a side, I will share that there is a deep sadness that comes to me from time to time that I can never fully tap the root cause of. Its level and intensity varies. This deep seemly endless spiral into despair often takes every tool in my possession to pull out of. Sometimes even this doesn’t work and I just trust that the next day I will feel better and it gets me through. And it is always better.

I could only imagine what it would be like if I had learned all this right from childhood when the connections were still fresh. How much easier my life might have been if I was taught emotional intelligence, awareness of internal and external energy and how these subtle vibrations can affect someone like me.

For me it is all about having the ability to navigate and understand internal states. Knowing that these internal states don’t have to define me but instead guide me.

May you always know the intelligence that lives in calm centered balance,
Jason