I did it! I moved into a new place literally and figuratively.

It was a little over three years ago when my friend Darrell found me an amazing deal. It was a house on an acre of land here in Hawaiian Paradise Park. A sweet cheap rent and work trade setup. The house was built and designed by artists back in the 80’s with all the cool little touches you might expect.

An old and funky place, it needed a lot of work. The previous renters had really let it go and left a bunch of junk behind. As I cleaned the place energetically and physically, I felt its power to increase whatever emotional energy that was brought to it. Maybe this was because of the actual location, the intentional design and layout of the structure, or the fact that it is surrounded by rainbow eucalyptus trees.

Whatever it was this place healed many people. We held weekly support/therapeutic type circles there for over 2 years. These circles drew empaths, healers, energy workers, clairvoyants, starseeds, indigos, and generally just overall amazing people.

I started my own coaching/energy work business there and experienced my own intensified depression and pain from what would come up as the result of my thoughts in the house. I had to clear old energy patterns, make peace with what would not leave in the house, and connect to a part of me that I thought was an external energetic phenomenon.

Before I moved to this house I was stuck and unable to see my way out. I had sold almost everything I owned and moved to Hawaii. I stayed with family while finishing my degree and I told myself it was work trade but I was living with family in a place where I felt a bit like an alien. I isolated, meditated, dedicated many hours a day practicing tai chi and focused on learning everything I could about psychology. I had already studied ascension mechanics, metaphysics, tarot, et… and yet I still wasn’t fixed. I had to find the answer.

I only found more questions because I was only learning. I was not truly applying the principles consistently. And at the same time, it was all perfect including the sever illness of leaky gut I developed then. I cut out so many addictions but was finding myself still self-medicating by eating a large bowel of ice-cream every night and watching Netflix.

As the illness progressed my body began wasting away from nutrient deficiency as the result of intestinal damage from poor food choices and the inflammation from prolonged stress/fear. I came to this planet to do something and I was not doing it or better yet I simply couldn’t enjoy my developmental phase for when I would do it later. I negatively judged and was time obsessed.

When the house among the trees opportunity was presented to me, I was genuinely excited. I was on the path back to health because I had found a group of men who supported me in having a voice and helping me heal the deep wound, I carried. A childhood and past life wound that ran deep from men who abuse their power.

I was of course doing many things and seeing many healers but this masculine environment of sitting in a circle and doing training adventures helped me face many triggers and self-worth issues. It also taught me to break down many of the remaining destructive patterns that my metaphysics/tarot teacher threw back at me on a continual basis for 5 years while in Arizona.

Like me the house needed to be cleaned and the jungle hacked back away from it. An amazing thing happened during the process. I discovered things I needed in the house, dishes, tools, pots and pans, tables, chairs, things that I remember thinking how I am I ever going to afford to buy all those things again. It was one of many blocks that kept me stuck in my head worried and afraid.

Outside I rescued a banyan tree who spoke to me in an ancient tongue many have forgotten to listen to, I found close to a hundred pineapple plants, banana plants, mangos and even a hot tube.

I am grateful for my time among the eucalyptus trees, the banyan trees, and the pineapples. It is time to move on and grew beyond the safety of this magical hiding place.

I am loving my new spot full of sunshine and cool ocean breezes. Can’t wait to see what happens next!

May you remember and use what is uncovered,


Toxic Masculinity

I am compelled to share this thing that occurred the other night. The strangest part is I can’t be sure it even really happened. It was something I heard but was it really spoken?

I go out dancing at a bar. Already an old pattern can rear its ugly head in my life. I have two beers to take the edge off all the energy I feel around me, another part of the pattern.

I am out dancing around a group of women not really engaging any directly. We are all feeling the vibes and enjoying the experience. It is the early part of the night when, usually at a bar, no one is really dancing yet except women. I know it is best to wait but I don’t care since I like the song.

After a while this guy comes out right near me and I hear the words, “You are a dead man.” He immediately starts dancing with one of the women near me, apparently his girlfriend. I feel as if punched in the face. I lose my joy, tighten up, and start to move robotically. I feel the anger and rage well up inside and then comes the old program from this energy within me, “What the hell. I am going to drop this skinny bitch!”

That’s the toxic male program right there. A part of me sized him up really quick, determined he could be taken out, and even threw in a little derogatory emasculating language designed to cut a man down by comparing him to a woman. As much work as I have done on this and my admiration of women it is still there. Right below the surface ready to cause pain physically, mentally and emotionally.

I play it cool and just keep dancing fighting off the need to retaliate. In my world at that moment a challenge has been thrown down, my safety threatened and I am ready to go. I check myself. I know that this might all just be in my head.

Did he really say it? It was so passive aggressive and subtle. Is this just a program too? Am I hearing an old voice in my head? An unwanted visitor designed to create pain in my world.

Was it me just feeling his energy coming through as an auditory experience? (This has happened before when a person’s energy is very intense and directed at me. I hear the energy signature of it. This is how telepathy works) The point of all this is there are many variables and I can’t be sure. With such things one must be disciplined.

Truth is it doesn’t matter. How I choose to respond consciously is the only real control I have.

As I process all this, I keep dancing. I am a little calmer and yet still trying to control my own strong passive aggressive impulse of wanting to “accidently” elbow him in the face by dancing too close.

I am angry. I just came out to have a good time something that I had to really push myself to do. I felt fear about it because of potential interactions like this. And so here it is. Self-fulfilling prophecy right. I get it. I don’t need advice on this. Knowing and being able to do it are two different things. I am just sharing if others want to understand how this works at least from my direct experience.

I leave the dance floor and chill out.

Later he is trying to walk where I am standing so I turn right towards him. I introduce myself really assertively as he tries to walk by me. I am not going to let him just ignore me. I want to see what he is about. I want to know if any of this is real and what kind of situation I am in.

It is my pattern in life to call out the elephant in the room.  I want to let him know that I am not interested in his girlfriend if that is the issue although I am more inclined to be now. It’s fine apparently but not that friendly. We keep it just a short introduction and nothing more as he keeps going back towards his girlfriend.

I go about my night but can’t fully shake it. I feel split and no longer fully present. I am not in integrity with myself internally. I have been partially taken over.

The whole vibe of the environment changes even more after a few friends of mine leave. I get the feeling it is time to go. I trust that and leave.

It took me a good couple of days to let go of all that. I was angry, sad, and struggling to stay positive about the world. So many crappy programs that try to tear us all apart.

It took a number of days walking on the cliffs near the ocean and a lot of breath and self-healing energy work to shift it. It is not surprising this came up as I have really accelerated clearing old patterns that keep me from interacting with the world and people in general. I realize it is not the fear of people as I long suspected by instead my visceral reactions to them that scares me.

I feel things so intensely that it is overwhelming scary to risk that getting triggered. Coupled with being an empath it is easier just to stay home most of the time. This does not serve me and so I must go and face those things that I myself am creating in the world by holding onto all this stuff.

I believe we create our reality based on what we hold within. I draw those experiences until I decide I know longer want them. What happened in the past and why they happened I can’t venture to explain I have tried for far too long and the truth is it doesn’t really fix it all that much. I did get strong and it drove me to connect to my abilities more from those “bad” experiences.

Now time is different and I must let go and move ahead. Breathe and know I am safe and don’t need to hurt anyone especially myself.

I need to take responsibility for what I hold that may be causing this timeline we are all on. I am working on clearing it and holding space for others to do the same. This from my understanding is what Ho’opnonopono is about. Connecting to Dr. Hew Len’s work helped me see that more fully and have another tool to deal with it.

In the past I might have labeled this experience as interference, or an attack from something else energetically trying to keep me from bringing my light to the world but more and more I am seeing that it doesn’t matter. That this too is just a subtle ego distortion of less than better than, it does not serve me.

If I want a different experience here on this planet. I need to let go of the remaining remnants of all that anger I let live inside me long ago. The blaming others, the criticizing those that seem to have power over me, belittling and wanting to fight those that I think are causing destruction in the world. The crafty darkness and pain parasite that never did anything but create a reality of separation.

Anything that tries to separate us into a “less than or better than” mentality is “toxic” to our unity and harmony no matter what gender we identify with or don’t.

It’s what throughout history has perpetuated great suffering in the world. When we take this on it is important to ask, “What is driving the need to do that?”

For me recently is was needing comfort and safety. Darkness and anger are not the best choice for that for me now in my life. It is certainly not what I want to share with the world. Even if I don’t act it out physically, the internal mental and emotional spewing of holding that in me is enough to cause toxicity in the world.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I do this to help process and maybe it will be helpful or at least interesting to others.

May you choose a reality of forgiveness and freedom from old programs,


The Exposed Nerve

I had mentioned in my about me section on this blog that I felt like an exposed nerve in the world. Now might be a good time to elaborate a bit on that as I feel this is a very common Starseed and Indigo trait. I am also aware that this is something that many of us might prefer to just turn off sometimes.

I have also noticed this pattern in people who have experienced severe trauma which will often show as hyper vigilance and sensitivity. I do feel there is a difference from the two in the form of gaining a level of controlling and monitoring ones thoughts, as much of what is experienced needs to be consciously filtered but that is not saying everything experienced needs to be dismissed as not real. That would be the easy way out. One could argue that everyone has been traumatized here on this planet which could trigger this ability but I see the openness and feeling abilities very strong in many if not all children, especially when very young before they have developed higher cognitive functions which based on the belief systems they are exposed to can limit their ability to recognize and understand what they are feeling around them. They are often taught to ignore things as most adults do. In my case it is a little of both trauma and what I feel is a strong genetic pattern for experiencing the energies in my environment. I am very aware that sometimes it is just the thoughts I am experiencing that are causing me to feel a certain way or that I am focusing too much on one specific aspect of an environment, say the one angry person in a room full of smiling people. I have learned to mitigate this more and more over the years. Mindfulness meditation really helped develop this self-awareness of what might simply be my own creation of a reality or specific focus on one aspect of reality. Still there are many times that I am out in the world, for instance sitting in a classroom where I cannot help but feel the mood and energy in there. I would play with this ability when I was working for a chauffeured transportation company sitting in different parking lots with my eyes closed just sensing what was around me independent of visual cues.

These feelings in the environment can often overwhelm me especially if I am tired or my visualizing of shielding energy is not very strong. I can get caught up in what I am feeling, thinking it is mine. This is a real pain in the ass because it is often hard to discern this. What is my energy and what is someone else’s near me or that was there before me. The truth is it wouldn’t matter if I believe it is all mine. True, I need to be self-aware of my deeper emotions but I also realize that to blindly accept any felt mood only feeds the negative energy on this planet. I have found this to be true for positive energy as well. There are well meaning people out there with beautiful hearts but that can be extremely vampiric. They are so hungry for positive light energy that they suck it up like ravenous junkies leaving the environment depleted. They have not learned to self-source their connection to God/Universe.  Otherwise they could experience the energy and create a larger yield rather than just sucking it all up.

Another thing I have experienced with this whole exposed nerve condition is a need to clear my energy field often. At the end of the day I notice that where I had been and the people I met seem to leave an energetic imprint on me. So when I meditate I will often see their faces and feel certain things I didn’t notice earlier. I do not dig into this too much as that would be rude to that person, I simply let go and breath it out, working to suspend all judgment, clearing all the thoughts in my head and removing any implants or energy blockages in my body. As I am doing this form of mediation, relaxing my whole body and mind I will all of a sudden become aware of something in my neck, around my third eye or some other area of my body, so I simply pull it out with focused intention, really feeling the energy flowing in my hands (I have been told this is working with Orion Healing Codes). This is one of many reasons I feel that meditation is so important for people especially Starseeds and Indigos, so we are aware of what is in our field of energy. I know this whole implant thing can sound pretty crazy but the truth is if it helps is it really crazy? It is just another tool. I would hate to have to prove this to anyone but that matters not for I have received all the proof I need. I have had sessions with others who helped me achieve this ability, or perhaps helped me remember I had it, and who gave me the confirmation I needed.

So during my clearing meditations I am able to use this exposed nerve trait to my advantage. During this process I would eventually reach a state where my energy is balanced and my mind becomes calm. Those times would allow me to objectively feel the energy of an environment I was in or an intended location somewhere else. I could then tap into it and in a neutral space feel that other energy, creatively clear it and/or put out a specific energy to balance it. This is how I do grid work when called upon to do so. There are many others out there doing the same thing, consciously working with their energy to assist the planet and the Beings on it. I believe everyone has this ability as energetic god creator beings. These clearings are never to be forced on anyone but could best be described as cleaning a kitchen that someone has neglected for a long long time because they didn’t notice all the stuff that was collecting in that area. The analogy I was given a long time ago was that energy is like cutting an onion on a cutting board. You can remove the onion but everything that is placed on that cutting board will taste of the onion.

May you always know the strength in what was once considered a weakness,


Sleep Apnea or Something Else?

I was visiting a family member one summer that was living on a boat. Because it was only a 45 footer there were limited sleeping arrangements, but I was happy to accept the offer to stay there a couple of nights. The bedroom we were to share was actually pretty spacious with two single beds side by side with a three foot wide walkway between them.

I was aware from other conversations that my host had been having sleep apnea type symptoms of difficulty breathing and waking up in the middle of the night but I didn’t understand how extremely relevant this information would later prove to be. By my second night on this boat I would never forget that piece of information.

The first night I slept great, really enjoying the gentle rocking of the boat and the quiet sound of water sloshing around. I was awakened in the middle of this peaceful sleep with a feeling that I was being watched. I was half in and out of sleep when I saw something that looked like a dark cloud or fuzzy black energy standing about 3 feet tall between the two beds.

My host was deep asleep in their bed. The longer I looked at this thing the more I realized there was actually something there, not in a solid 3d physical sense that one could touch it but more of an etheric type manifestation of something with a consciousness.

I was used to seeing things like this from time to time but usually they disappeared pretty quickly, especially when I would focus my eyes directly on them. This one was just standing there while I looked at it; at this point I was fully awake but relaxed. I could feel what it was “thinking” basically that it was curious who I was and what I was doing there.I didn’t sense any danger and since I was used to stuff like this I just decided to ignore it and go back to sleep.

The next day I told my host (who is also very aware of this type of phenomena but rarely talks about it) what had happened. They responded by saying, “Oh, You saw that?”.

Apparently, they are aware of this and told me it started showing up at a time when they were having doubts as to whether or not God existed. As you could imagine I had a number of questions and a very interesting conversation ensued.

The second night things would prove even more eventful. I awoke, this time to the sound of choking and labored breathing, something I did not hear at all the night before. I looked over to the other bed and there I see that same fuzzy shadow sitting on my loved one’s chest choking them. I got angry and I am not sure if I said this out loud or in my head but I told it to get off of them.

Now, this thing didn’t have much of a form but I got the distinct impression that it turned its head to look at me. I started to get a little nervous as I could feel its intention. As it floated towards me I lost it and went into fear. (I had very little experience with claiming my space and clearing this stuff at this point in my life) I think I just rolled over and pulled the covers over my head. This tactic, as you could imagine, did nothing to evade this thing.

I felt it come over me and a sensation of something entering into the back of my head at around the medulla area. It was in my mind, flooding me with negative thoughts and intensifying my fear. It was attacking me and feeding off of me by manipulating my emotional responses. The thoughts were not my own. I could tell this very clearly. For some reason I decided to use a phrase that someone had mentioned works in this situation even though I was not a big fan of it but I was desperate and said “Devil get behind me” in my mind.Well, I don’t know if that pissed it off more or strengthened it but it definitely didn’t work.

Now things were really getting intense and the fear was overwhelming then all of a sudden I remembered the Ana Bekoach, a Kabbalistic prayer for basically opening a portal of light (“I am God, I am sovereign, I am free”-Lisa Renee; works well too). I recited as much of it as I could remember in that moment. It worked and I could feel the thoughts subsiding and the energy of the shadow being moving away from me.

I had experienced my first tool in how to clear and command my personal space. I also learned how these etheric type energies, that few can see or perhaps they have ignored them for so long they are unable to, can get into a person’s mind and flood it with negativity and disruptive images.

I share this for others that have experienced these things and to bring awareness to the fact that this is a real phenomena but there is no need to fear them in fact that is their only power, negativity and fear. There are many tools and techniques to be free of these things and clear them if they show up. Many who know this will not talk of it because it can feed the phenomena but this is happening anyway. Empowered awareness is the intention of my sharing this memory as it has empowered me to know these things so as not to be over identified with thoughts in my head.

As a side, my family member told me months later that they finally got rid of what was tormenting them but that it had gotten really big before doing so. This fuzzy energy was most likely something they themselves created or attracted to them from extreme ruminating and probably a lot of fear.

They said they simply told it to go away. Today they are much happier and have a more positive outlook on life in general, so I am pretty sure and can sense that they are no longer so tormented.

May you always feel your blessings,