Toxic Masculinity

I am compelled to share this thing that occurred the other night. The strangest part is I can’t be sure it even really happened. It was something I heard but was it really spoken?

I go out dancing at a bar. Already an old pattern can rear its ugly head in my life. I have two beers to take the edge off all the energy I feel around me, another part of the pattern.

I am out dancing around a group of women not really engaging any directly. We are all feeling the vibes and enjoying the experience. It is the early part of the night when, usually at a bar, no one is really dancing yet except women. I know it is best to wait but I don’t care since I like the song.

After a while this guy comes out right near me and I hear the words, “You are a dead man.” He immediately starts dancing with one of the women near me, apparently his girlfriend. I feel as if punched in the face. I lose my joy, tighten up, and start to move robotically. I feel the anger and rage well up inside and then comes the old program from this energy within me, “What the hell. I am going to drop this skinny bitch!”

That’s the toxic male program right there. A part of me sized him up really quick, determined he could be taken out, and even threw in a little derogatory emasculating language designed to cut a man down by comparing him to a woman. As much work as I have done on this and my admiration of women it is still there. Right below the surface ready to cause pain physically, mentally and emotionally.

I play it cool and just keep dancing fighting off the need to retaliate. In my world at that moment a challenge has been thrown down, my safety threatened and I am ready to go. I check myself. I know that this might all just be in my head.

Did he really say it? It was so passive aggressive and subtle. Is this just a program too? Am I hearing an old voice in my head? An unwanted visitor designed to create pain in my world.

Was it me just feeling his energy coming through as an auditory experience? (This has happened before when a person’s energy is very intense and directed at me. I hear the energy signature of it. This is how telepathy works) The point of all this is there are many variables and I can’t be sure. With such things one must be disciplined.

Truth is it doesn’t matter. How I choose to respond consciously is the only real control I have.

As I process all this, I keep dancing. I am a little calmer and yet still trying to control my own strong passive aggressive impulse of wanting to “accidently” elbow him in the face by dancing too close.

I am angry. I just came out to have a good time something that I had to really push myself to do. I felt fear about it because of potential interactions like this. And so here it is. Self-fulfilling prophecy right. I get it. I don’t need advice on this. Knowing and being able to do it are two different things. I am just sharing if others want to understand how this works at least from my direct experience.

I leave the dance floor and chill out.

Later he is trying to walk where I am standing so I turn right towards him. I introduce myself really assertively as he tries to walk by me. I am not going to let him just ignore me. I want to see what he is about. I want to know if any of this is real and what kind of situation I am in.

It is my pattern in life to call out the elephant in the room.  I want to let him know that I am not interested in his girlfriend if that is the issue although I am more inclined to be now. It’s fine apparently but not that friendly. We keep it just a short introduction and nothing more as he keeps going back towards his girlfriend.

I go about my night but can’t fully shake it. I feel split and no longer fully present. I am not in integrity with myself internally. I have been partially taken over.

The whole vibe of the environment changes even more after a few friends of mine leave. I get the feeling it is time to go. I trust that and leave.

It took me a good couple of days to let go of all that. I was angry, sad, and struggling to stay positive about the world. So many crappy programs that try to tear us all apart.

It took a number of days walking on the cliffs near the ocean and a lot of breath and self-healing energy work to shift it. It is not surprising this came up as I have really accelerated clearing old patterns that keep me from interacting with the world and people in general. I realize it is not the fear of people as I long suspected by instead my visceral reactions to them that scares me.

I feel things so intensely that it is overwhelming scary to risk that getting triggered. Coupled with being an empath it is easier just to stay home most of the time. This does not serve me and so I must go and face those things that I myself am creating in the world by holding onto all this stuff.

I believe we create our reality based on what we hold within. I draw those experiences until I decide I know longer want them. What happened in the past and why they happened I can’t venture to explain I have tried for far too long and the truth is it doesn’t really fix it all that much. I did get strong and it drove me to connect to my abilities more from those “bad” experiences.

Now time is different and I must let go and move ahead. Breathe and know I am safe and don’t need to hurt anyone especially myself.

I need to take responsibility for what I hold that may be causing this timeline we are all on. I am working on clearing it and holding space for others to do the same. This from my understanding is what Ho’opnonopono is about. Connecting to Dr. Hew Len’s work helped me see that more fully and have another tool to deal with it.

In the past I might have labeled this experience as interference, or an attack from something else energetically trying to keep me from bringing my light to the world but more and more I am seeing that it doesn’t matter. That this too is just a subtle ego distortion of less than better than, it does not serve me.

If I want a different experience here on this planet. I need to let go of the remaining remnants of all that anger I let live inside me long ago. The blaming others, the criticizing those that seem to have power over me, belittling and wanting to fight those that I think are causing destruction in the world. The crafty darkness and pain parasite that never did anything but create a reality of separation.

Anything that tries to separate us into a “less than or better than” mentality is “toxic” to our unity and harmony no matter what gender we identify with or don’t.

It’s what throughout history has perpetuated great suffering in the world. When we take this on it is important to ask, “What is driving the need to do that?”

For me recently is was needing comfort and safety. Darkness and anger are not the best choice for that for me now in my life. It is certainly not what I want to share with the world. Even if I don’t act it out physically, the internal mental and emotional spewing of holding that in me is enough to cause toxicity in the world.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I do this to help process and maybe it will be helpful or at least interesting to others.

May you choose a reality of forgiveness and freedom from old programs,

Jason

My Epic Adventure part 1

I decided to do a recapitulation of my recent trip to Europe. About halfway through I realized that I had material that I felt I needed to share with others because of how powerful the experiences where for me. It may not flow real well but perhaps you may find all the subtle energy experiences interesting.

The trip was truly an epic adventure just as I intended. Earlier in the year I intuitively gave myself what I now call and offer to others as Intention and Manifestation sessions.

I had set aside an hour and created sacred space in order to ask myself a series of questions designed to focus intention on what I wanted out of this life as voiced through my HigherSelf. This isn’t the mind or ego desires but more intuitive and feeling although the ego would be happy with many of them.

I arrived in London at 7:10am after traveling all the way from the Big Island Hawaii. Met up with my girlfriend and fellow adventurer Mirabai whom I wrote of in my previous post. We grabbed some food then went to the airport Yotel to get some much needed sleep and physical reconnection.

A Yotel is a hotel where you pay by the hour which Mirabai assured me was pretty legit but when we got there it had a slimy kind of vibe. There was pink light everywhere and this kind of Japanese cartoon thing going on. It was actually very nice and a cool set up but not really energetically comfortable staying there. Perhaps it was merely the setting reminding me of a sleazy downtown rent by the hour place but I really did feel a ton of sexual energy in that space. It made for a great reunion but at the same time it wasn’t what I would call pure hearted or even heart involved type sex energy there. I feel we still maintained that and perhaps this helped balance and clear the density from that place. Not only the Yotel but also for the whole land of the United Kingdom. Working to bring in more heart to a land that has been credited with being the center of what is called the NRG grid.

This energy grid system is designed to create sexual misery and separation in humans. I do not speak of this much these days but could not help thinking about the information I studied while part of Lisa Renee’s online community. I was not too concerned but have had enough experience with such things to know it wise to be cautious and certainly not to go into autopilot in such an environment. This would show up as very strong emotions or thoughts that impulse one to do or say things in an extreme manner or in ways other than what they usually experience.

We took a flight that same day to Edinburgh. When we arrived I was surprised to see how much Scotland looked like Washington State where I grew up. It was gray and rainy with a lot of the same vegetation.

We stayed right in Edinburgh at Mirabai’s friend’s house. It was a really old 5 story town home that she used to live in. It was actually quite haunted but she kept the stuff away from me that night so I could sleep. I got up early and took some pictures of the sunrise from the rooftop. We walked around town and grabbed some breakfast.

Eventually we found our way to Edinburgh castle. I felt a ton of energy while walking through the main gate. Physically I felt dizzy and like I was being pushed over. I often feel this in places where a lot of energy is consolidated or where some heavy emotion was experienced. This could be from one person or in this case extremely strong from multiple past experiences and other energies that can accumulate in an area.

The best way this awareness of energy was described to me long ago was through the analogy of cutting an onion on a cutting board. The onion can be removed and everything looks clean but anything that is placed on that spot will taste of the onion.

When we went to the room above this gate I felt terror, a needing to keep an enemy away. This “Oh my God, here they come and I need to get out of here but I can’t leave”. I just sat with it and brought in an energy of letting go of needing to battle and releasing the desperate survival fears. It was like an internal surrender that I often have to do when faced with extreme fear. I simply felt without resistance and mental judgment, letting go of that feeling of fear about being destroyed and embracing my knowing/feeling of safety no matter what may happen to the physical body. The foundation for all of this is in the breath.

When I got stable with the heavy energies I called in more freedom from survival fears not only for this room but for the whole of the planet. Survival fears control people and cause them to give up on their passion, dreams, and connections with others. I intended the creation of some vortexes which I saw taking that heavy trapped energy out and back up to Source/Universe, basically out way up high where it can mix and blend to become something different once again.

Energy does not like to be stuck, its natural nature is to flow and move and so there is always space to assist it in that when the time is right through the power of conscious neutral witnessing.

To get even more specific, the energy signature of a place like this was very much about being trapped, stuck, no way out to survive. That was the key concern and flavor of the energy but the effect on people can be very different. Places like this can perpetuate continued misery with a similar energy that plays out in a mired of ways over the course of history. This influence can extend beyond a room or Castle.

I knew it was not just my imagination or an over active mind because Mirabai had an over-whelming experience of claustrophobia and fear almost to the point of panic and had to bolt out of there as the feeling of being trapped was so strong.

Later, we found out that at one point a man had been held there overnight awaiting execution, but died in his sleep before the morning. This is the more specific aspect of the experience/energy she felt in the room.

20160705_141336

When I finally walked out I felt very pissed off and angry. A lot of the anger happened to center around all the people just mindlessly wandering around. I felt like they had no clue what was going on energetically here and I almost violently pushed my way through them to get out. I was still feeling a lot of the energy of the place and it took some time to clear it out of my body.

This is often how I work and have seen this with others who transmute and clear energy. Strong energy from an environment can briefly affect those sensitive to it manifesting in uncharacteristic behavior and so it requires great self control and discipline to keep impulses from that in check.

I would invite all who read this to realize that this is true for many people especially children and without tools to remove this energy people can take on things that are not theirs, such as thoughts, feelings and even action impulses.

Many of you reading this already know that when we go to places and feel what is happening, are able to be present with it and let it go it helps clean/heal that area. First clearing personal space and then one is able to affect change around them without forcing, simply harmonizing and removing an excess or blockages of various energies.

There was another section of the castle where people went to pray called St. Margaret’s chapel. It is considered one of the oldest buildings in Edinburgh from around 1250ad. This specific location was often spared during attacks.

By contrast the energy I sensed as soon as we walked in there was deeply comforting and warm. I was surprised by this. People in here seemed to feel the energy and a few where just sitting there looking as though they had been crying. This place was like the opposite of the room above the gate. It felt loving and safe and probably the last refuge of people in difficult situations. I would venture to say that there was a portal there.

Later, I learned that Edinburgh castle is claimed to be the most besieged place in Great Britain and one of the most attacked places in the world according to research showing 26 sieges over its 1100 year history.

Next we drove to Strachur. Mirabai took the wheel as it was my first time being somewhere that they drove on the left. It was really a trip experiencing that so I just wanted to watch and get my brain used to it.

We arrived at the Airbnb in Strachur near Loch Fyne which was very nice and had an amazing view from our room but the people running the Airbnb seemed super angry and guarded despite not showing much sign of this on the surface. This is really one of the most difficult types of situations for me to deal with. It is like a volcano waiting to explode and so there is this constant tension in the air, but yet nothing ever happens except forced smiles and a everything is fine veneer.

It wasn’t a very fun night as we had to be very quiet and woke up feeling like shit and angry. The morning improved when I had my first Scottish breakfast that was comprised of eggs, beans, and toast. Mirabai had some really great smoked salmon and scrambled eggs which are often eaten for breakfast in Scotland. Apparently, in the UK beans are a big part of breakfast.

I drove for my first time on the left side of the road from Strachur to Broadford on the Isle of Skye. It was really a bit of a challenge and required me to stay very present. I could actually feel parts of my brain going into overdrive working to process everything and create new neural pathways because of it being so opposite of my conditioning. I could feel this tingle like electricity moving around in there.

On the way to the Isle of Skye I had a really amazing Aberdeen Angus steak burger. I was told that Aberdeen Angus cows are raised on the island of Orkney. Well treated and happy. I was a bit reluctant to have a burger at a place on the side of the road in a trailer but the man that sold it to me seemed like a really good guy and was extremely nice. He even sold the burger to me cheap with fries. I felt energized when I ate it, not the usual “Oh man, that was good but now I feel like crap for a half an hour”.

One of the highlights of the trip was when we drove through Glenn Coe where many of the MacDonald clan was killed long ago. The pass was very beautiful with high mountains and lush green grass like what is seen in Braveheart and other highland movies. The ground was very wet and marshy making our shoes wet while getting the picture seen below. I could only imagine how annoying that would get walking around with wet feet all the time.

IMG_5318

In Broadford on the Isle of Skye we stayed at an Airbnb that was an old farm house with a father and daughter running it. They seemed very aware and had done a lot of energy work around the place so we didn’t have too many problems with energetic disturbances. We actually heard them doing some kind of chant or mantra while we were having sex which Mirabai thought was magical, although I worried that perhaps they didn’t like the energy or something.They were nice but didn’t get much time to talk with the daughter.

The father, an older man in his 80’s chatted with us over tea in the old kitchen with an ancient cast iron range. He revealed that he had meditated a great deal for many years. He told us about his life and growing up believing that he was the son of a man who really wasn’t his father. When he finally found out the truth it was extremely shocking to him. The majority of this seemed mostly because of the fact that he was raised to tell the truth and couldn’t believe such a lie could be perpetuated at his expense.

He shared some of his awareness about the paranormal but said he never saw any fairies where they lived. He did share in a moment of vulnerability that he could communicate with animals.

I didn’t really notice much subtle energy stuff the whole time we were in Skye perhaps one must go further north to experience that which is on the edge of the veil such as fairies and other mythological characters.

The next day we headed out to the Donald center. It was cool but not really the connection I had hoped for with my lineage. It was a place where a portion of the MacDonald clan had consolidated their power and wealth creating a home. What I got while visiting there was that I could do this as well, that I will step out, pull everything together and create. That was the piece I got from there. I will create wealth as they did by consolidating all my resources and abilities.

We then drove over towards Inverness and spent the night at Strathpeffer but not before we went to the beach at Chanonry Point near Cromarty firth where dolphins are said to be seen. It was extremely windy there. We walked around for a while not seeing anything.

I was drawn to stand at the very point of the beach where it made a sharp turn and went towards town. It was a very powerful spot where both the wind and the waves seemed to be the most strong. I faced the powerful wind and anchored myself into the sand in a centered tai chi stance.

I felt all that was around me and delighted in the power and connection. I was exhilarated by the feeling of being almost blown over but simply allowing the energy to flow down trough me maintaining my balance while swaying with the wind. I looked out over the ocean and invited the dolphins to come visit us. I saw nothing and so we decided to walk down along the shore towards the town talking and admiring the various different kinds of rocks on the beach.

We doubled back just before reaching the town. On the way back as we approached the point we had been before we noticed a crowd had gathered. The closer we got the more our hearts sang and my brain was perplexed by the appearance of many dolphins in the very spot we had stood less than an hour before.

The dolphins seemed to be hunting and jumping up in the air. It took great willpower and my continued expressed concern for her safety to keep Mirabai out of the sea. The waves there where extremely strong and it looked as though a powerful current might be in that area. This seemed of little concern in the briefest of moments when feeling her immense joy and love for these beings.

She managed to just interact from the beach even though at times the dolphins were a mere 40 yards from where we stood. I thanked them and especially the Universe as is my practice anytime I experience such “coincidences”.

More to come….

May you always know the adventure that is your life,

Jason