Depression and Suicide

How many times have you fallen into the dark hole? That dark seemly bottomless pit of despair and hopelessness which if your anything like me, at its worse, has left you literally laying on the kitchen floor giving up all hope of anything being able to help. Then what happens?

We all get up and move forward (and yes if you want to go really dark, we have to get up to do that as well). As it passes a realization occurs, an epiphany about something. We see something more clearly or become more fixed on something. It is as if passing through the eye of the needle and we are shot out into the world with a new realization and rawness about life around us.

If this is a positive focus it will bring new experiences and people into our lives. If it is a negative focus then we will find ourselves again on that floor in a short amount of time but not before being driven to coping mechanisms.

Shift this by reaching for the positive coping mechanism. Know what they are, have them literally written down somewhere. What are the helpful coping mechanisms and which are the not so helpful ones?

We are now at that time of choice. The movie or the creating? The cigarette or the run? The complaining or the gratitude? The time in nature or the social media? Sleeping in or the morning routine? Being with people or isolating?

This very process of falling into the dark hole is one of creativity and a form of a shamanistic journey in my opinion. It is definitely an altered state and if you are really paying attention you will know you are not alone during those times.

And so, it is true of all fields of energy. We draw to us what we put out but sometimes we must go into the dark cave. This may happen as part of our mission and journey here. If it is really intense it may be the Universe initiating you or what has been called the dark night of the soul. We must face what is in that darkness that tries to scare us and drag us to a place where we forget who and what we really are.

We become intimate with the darkness and all the thoughts and feelings that dwell there. We may forget that we are still connected and loved. But then we pass through and years later that horrible experience now seems a blessing. Showing us how far we have come and that we are still here able to enjoy the happy moments.

My experience is that it will happen many times to varying degrees no matter how much work we do. I have come to see this as the crouching before the leap, the cocoon before the blossoming freedom of flight. It is an indication that something big needs to be shed so I can move forward. With context things are not as scary. And with context things are easier to navigate.

Early on I knew there was more to this earthly existence because of the dark. I found my confirmation in that place. Those things that lurk there are real and so it must be true for those of the light. I chose the light and I choose to work on embodying the Love that always surrounds us all.

If you are suffering move towards those things and people that can help. You know what they are. If you don’t ask it from the universe.  Chose them, chose to be here, chose to shed the negative overlay…..find the treasure in the cave, return and share it with us. We need it, we need you, we love you!

May you find who you are even in the darkness,

Jason

Money

I am really working on letting go of my limitations in all their forms. Part of that is consciously connecting to the energy of money and allowing that energy, what Inelia Benz describes as an elemental force, to come into my life.

Inelia has freely shared a great process for connecting to this very powerful energy. As I use it the things that come up are painful and the visions are not always pleasant. The discipline is to just sit and watch them allowing the deep feeling beyond the judgement to be fully felt, realizing at the bottom what it all really is….a blessing of experience.

Reflecting later when done with the technique I can see how these experiences have solidified into unprocessed emotions masked in beliefs about money. It is no wonder there is so much intensity around this subject for so many people.

Even just doing an exercise like this will no doubt cause people to say what about inviting love and joy into your life? Well believe me I am doing that too and that is even scarier sometimes. It is a much more vulnerable process for me.

With all this processing about money an epiphany came to me today that money strongly represents an aspect of the element of ether. Many know the elements of fire, water, air, and earth but lesser known is that of ether. An unseen force all around us of which anything can manifest. It has been described as the human equivalent of the water a fish swims in.

Here is a link to Inelia’s website and the technique if you would like to try it out yourself. Feel free to share your experience with me if you like.

I will add that each day I do this I notice something different happening around me.

https://ineliabenz.com/self-empowerment-resources/reconnecting-spirit-money/

May you feel through to your knowing,

Jason

The Rut

 

Sitting on the lanai he drinks his first drink of a beer knowing it isn’t going to help him. He has gone rounds with this addiction for a long time, conquered it succumbed again and again. Now after 15 years of work he drinks like a “normal person” but tonight he knows he is pushing it.

He is reaching to self-medicate. He knows he won’t go over his self-imposed limit of 3 to 4 beers in fact he only has two usually but this first one is from a place of desperation and the hope that it will dissipate his pain knowing deep inside it has never made it any better especially the next day.

He is frustrated and feeling defeated. His men’s group didn’t seem to help much tonight, the run he went on didn’t really help, the meditation he did that morning really didn’t accomplish anything. He drinks the beer and says fuck it. But as he pulls it away from his lips he has an almost uncontrollable impulse to launch the thing into the trees but he catches that.

Perhaps the mediation did help a bit. It gave him that split second amount of time to think, “Do I really want to throw this? Do I want to restart that pattern again too? His mind shows him the memory of throwing a beer bottle from the front door of his apartment long ago taking mild pleasure in the distance it took to get it all the way down the hill to land mashing into pieces in the middle of the highway below. He remembers this was a regular occurrence coming home late from the bar feeling alone and frustrated.

“No, I will just hold onto it”.

He decides to check in, to dive into himself where that impulse came from, realizing that it is another part of him that was wanting to take control. “What do you want?” he asks internally.

The message comes very quick and clear, “I want to fuck, to fight and to have fun. I am cooped up and going crazy!”

He gets it, realizing how much of his life this last year has been about getting things done, being a good man, doing what is right. He mentor’s youth in the schools for God’s sake he needs to be pleasant and kind and hold space. He can’t force or get upset when someone pokes at him.

He uses the dreaded modeling of vulnerability on a daily basis. There is a need to be unconditionally loving or in the jargon of psychology to show unconditional positive regard.

That is the discipline and he is happy to do it but another part is fucking dying while craving adventure, excitement, and danger. It wants to live free and out in the world without boundaries and all the formal communication pleasantries. Enough with the good man stuff already.

“How can we do those things without going to jail?” He asks the wild part. He realizes this is just an excuse to live small and safe. He could go out and see what is out in the little part of the world he lives in but he is afraid.

Afraid he will meet those bad men the ones that don’t seem to feel anything but anger and jealousy. Those men that value respect but rarely give it. Those that want to destroy anything different that challenges their comfort or threatens their alpha position.

He is afraid of being laughed at and ridiculed by others. He fears the stares and the energy that is directed his way. The very reason why he found so much comfort in alcohol long ago. He could numb that gift of his.

He could still feel and sense but the reaction was gone and he was in control. Flowed with the energies around him and delighted in being able to sense his surroundings but this was short lived and the result of the distortion from living in a shell and hiding during much of his youth.

So he drinks his beer and sits in silence on his lanai. Hoping someday things will be different.

If only he could utilize all the things he has learned, applied the laws/lore that are so well known to him yet fail to bring the outcomes he desires. He faces yet again the pain of almost there, the shadow of not good enough, and the pain of longing for something he can’t even describe anymore.

The term lanai is used instead of porch or deck as he lives in Hawaii, he has unique house that is very affordable, warm weather all year, lots of people that care about him, ability to get in the ocean anytime of year and a rewarding job. Yet his restlessness continues. Just a pattern

May you know and break free of what holds you,

Jason

Healing the Inner Child of Separation

I had a powerful experience recently that I I feel I must share. It was something that helped me gauge how far I have come with my inner work and how I can use this as service to others.

It is in my awareness that there is often a message playing out inside me. This message can often be sourced back to one experience where I took it on and carried it with me throughout my life. It is a message that comes up when I am scared or frustrated, when I am about to push through to greatness or make genuine connection with others. Many refer to this as shadow. It causes tremendous pain and separation in the world.

I can remember as a child I felt open and connected to my world then as time went on things happened and I began to feel unsafe. People yelling at me, telling me I wasn’t good enough, and the idea that I was less than another.

The separation began. The idea of “the other” started to come in. The mental concept that I am different from those around me followed by a strong judgment about that based on salient experiences.

This idea of separate was wonderful and exciting in a heart based way but also scary when it became extreme in belief. I tried to find ways to comfort this idea of being different. I ran into others who had this and it was often centered on how they looked, where they lived, what gender they were, what kind of clothes they wore…

For more back ground I will share that I recently staffed a Boys to Men Adventure Weekend.

Boys to Men Mentoring is an organization open to individuals of varying belief systems. They do not subscribe to any one belief other than healthy men need to mentor boys into mature masculinity or they will burn down the village to feel the heat.

The Weekend Adventure is a camping trip set up by this nonprofit mostly volunteer organization. These events happen every couple of months for local youth in Hawaii (nationally as well). I have found these Adventure Weekends to be powerful but at the same time a challenging experience.

For me, it often brings up my own difficult childhood and opens some of the deep inner wounds from that. These wounds are things that I used to let define me as a man.

I have since done a lot of work around this wounding and the many disempowered beliefs that come up around it like, I am not safe and I am less than another. This was put to the test over the weekend when I noticed one of the young men giving me a look, one that I had seen many times before.

I can’t be certain what the look was about but it bought up that childhood feeling of being ashamed for what I look like. It took me back to that message I took on as a youth that I was a lame and goofy white boy and how I had to toughen up and project more anger. The energy I felt coming at me was something like, white boy has everything he wants and his life is perfect. This of course isn’t true.

When I was a child this would shut me down. I would pull myself inside and dim my light way down trying to blend in. I would pretend I was miserable to keep people from targeting me, that I wasn’t this happy little white boy that had everything because I didn’t. I embraced darkness to feel safe.

I had a lot going on that people didn’t see. There was a lot of pain and confusion for me as a child. I resented that on the surface my life looked like a episode of Leave it to Beaver and that I was not worthy of any respect. I felt I wasn’t able to shine the light of who I was and would get attacked if I did.

So this time I felt that child wounding and story come up. I caught it when I started to want to protect myself and get angry or engage with a dirty look of my own with this young man.

This is not who I am and not why I was on the weekend. I was there to support these young men so it was pretty easy to simply notice what was going on inside me, breath it out and not engage in any interaction. I just stayed neutral to the gaze I felt from the boy as I continued what I was doing.

What was so powerful was that a little while later I was sitting alone when this same boy came and sat down across from me at the picnic bench. I smiled and happily chatted with him when he asked how I was doing. He then began to share all the things he was holding deep inside that were causing him pain.

I was in awe of his strength and openness. It was such an honor to be there for him as he asked for help with a lot of the same things I went through as a child.

He connected with a number of other mentors that weekend in the same way. He later showed even greater courage when he spoke up in front of everyone sitting in a large circle. He did what I have seen as being so difficult for many grown men to do. He stepped into his power and spoke his needs. He put down the shame and asked for help which he will receive.

This was able to happen because men did not react to his behavior but instead owned their own triggers and held the space of compassion for him to let go. To begin to heal that part that can fester and turn into a monster that may haunt a man for his whole life. Inviting a force of energy into oneself that has the potential to create great pain and suffering in the world.

I know that part. It took me a long time to remove a lot of it and control what may be left of it. To realize that it is fed on the idea of being separate or less than others. It can swing into thinking it is better or uses judgments to justify its actions. It lives in a person’s head and stifles their heart, their connection to all that is.

I still have work to do with this (being vulnerable and open) but I see I am making progress and helping others gain tools so they don’t have to walk in darkness.

May you always shine your light for all to see,
Jason

Stretching Beyond Ego

A realization came to me recently while listening to some music a family member had sent. It was a Susan Boyle CD I received months ago. I finally decided I should take some time to listen to it since my father’s wife felt the need to send it to me along with some other things. All these gifts were a bit of a surprise and felt very random.

I listened to the first song and I was immediately hit with this, “Oh my God this is horrible and ridiculous!” I saw it as sappy and cheesy. It was something I would make fun of and in fact I did in my head. So I turned it off and laughed it off.

Later that night I was meditating. My meditations lately have been much more directed at connecting to my heart. I want to be friendlier and more open with people. Also, I know that the true connection with all parts of self and God Source is found in the heart.

While in meditation, I was reminded of the song I heard earlier and felt I was sending unharmonious energy out as the result of my negative and very judgmental reaction to it. I sent Love to my father’s wife in that moment and communicated to a part of her that I would try and listen to it again.

A couple of days later I gave it another shot. I set the intention to just listen and allow myself to experience the fullness of what I was listening to. I was rather uncomfortable and felt embarrassed if anyone was to know what I was listening to, which struck me as a little odd. I kept thinking, or more like had thoughts running through my head, of all the movies I had seen where this kind of music was made fun of or to portray a character as being soft or weak, especially if they were men.

I also noticed that a part of me wanted to make fun of it. I came up with some really funny sayings and visualizations associated with what I was hearing. I longed to express this to people in order to gain laughter and camaraderie with others like I found in the past. Instead, I surrendered that part and just continued to listen.

I was busy doing other things, like checking emails but kept listening and found myself really tuning in during certain songs to both her voice and the lyrics. I felt another part of me was enjoying it. I felt relaxed.

I realized that a part of me liked it, but the part of me that was very uncomfortable was kicking and screaming. Basically, saying “This isn’t who we want to be in the world. We don’t listen to this stuff, we laugh at it. We like energetic music that moves us and puts us in motion. Not this slow boring stuff that would embarrass us.”

This voice was my ego, that part of me that wants to be a certain way and control things to achieve that mentally represented ideal. The truth is that this control is impossible and leads to inauthentic expression, being fake or a creating a type of mask that most people can see right through. A mask that many years past became such a part of me that I had forgotten who I truly was.

The ego is also susceptible to external negative energetic influences most often experienced internally as thoughts, images, and in extreme cases voices. It is the part that is easiest to hijack in order to perpetuate suffering of self and others in the world. It separates and divides potentially becoming a massive block to the heart and connection with others, especially those who do not believe or like the same things it does.

I often feel like the ego itself is a parasite, an aspect of the mind somewhere between one’s personality and the higher mind. I am still trying to work this out. I feel the Freudian description is lacking in its scope to encompass the multidimensional levels at work. So when I say ego I am not referring specifically to a psychoanalytical definition, although I see value in that information.

I am still not big on this type of music, but it is relaxing and it calms me. I find it to be something I enjoy as long as I don’t place judgment on it out of some insecurity. So, I guess I do like it in a way, but I am not ready to play it loudly for all to hear. Maybe by writing about it here I can lessen that ego identity that feels so threatened by it. To accept the music for what it is and not feel the need to make fun of it even though doing this was an easy way to bond with others in the past (many other people would be insulted by this and in truth would actually further isolate me).

Negative ego based judgment lessens what is actually a beautiful expression of the heart, vulnerable and yet powerful. Something that is always there waiting to be felt despite the thin film of ego trying so hard to hide it.

May you live Courageously with Heart,
Jason

A couple of movies that I really like in how they depict the ego are Revolver, an awesome Guy Ritchie film, and Peaceful Warrior, which was a great book turned into a movie.

The Reluctant Energy Vampire

It has been a while since I have posted anything. I have had some very profound shifts and realizations lately much of it occurring around the end of the last year. I was told there was a very powerful event involving Pluto and death at this time. Basically, the removing of all that is no longer of service etc… I don’t get too into astrology, but I do find it helpful and in this case there was definitely something going on. I have been really moving through a lot and have seen great change in others recently as well.

The capstone on my recent realizations was something that happened only last week. I went to a lecture among a small group of people. I was feeling pretty comfortable until a woman came in late and sat down beside me. I at once had a flood of mild anxiety which I was able to sooth. There was nothing abnormal about this response as I am often somewhat guarded or anxious around new people. I was able to catch the reaction and calm my body. I was then aware of thoughts coming into my head around my value and what the person thought of me. This too was mild and I was able to let what aspects I was conscious of go. It would be silly to think I had become totally comfortable and removed all judgmental thoughts in that moment.

After a short time I returned my full attention back to the lecture which I really was interested in. All of a sudden I felt this comfort and relief come over me. I felt a part of me express something like “she approves of me or likes me”. The strength of this surprised me. I realized I had wanted approval from this woman, not so much that I was interested in her but because she was in close proximity to me. I wanted more comfort, comfort coming from outside of myself.

This feeling came in very strongly because, as I realized later when talking with her that she is also seeking outside comfort. I am not sure the extent of what has happened in her life, but by what I could gather from her situation and our brief communication is that she has been through a lot emotionally.

I realized I was putting out energetic tentacles to find comfort. I didn’t do this intentionally and thought I was being stable in my body and energy, but there was a part of me reaching out for comfort to a total stranger.

This can be vampiric when it is done, or even especially when done unconsciously. There is nothing wrong with reaching out to others, but what I realized is that I may be doing this more than I ever knew. If I am not focused on my own physical embodiment and self-sourcing comfort I may be unknowingly trying to feed off of any source outside of myself for that comfort (see my post on “Embodiment” and also “The Unholy Trinity” for more info on this). This can feel extremely uncomfortable to people unless they are in a similar dependent energy state, but even this is temporary.

Some of the most profound wisdom I ever heard which helps explain this is, “We are all mirrors for each other”.

I came to this recent realization because of various people in my life and the interactions I have been having with them lately. There is a whole pattern of me drawing those of like energy who have specific aspects that really irritate or upset me. These irritations or frustrations are pointing to things I myself am doing, otherwise they would not be so upsetting. My first impulse is often to try and change the other person or my environment, but that is impossible to sustain. I am putting that energy out and energy flows in all directions and affects everything. It doesn’t matter if we are conscious of it or not, it will still happen. It seems that even a subtle amount has an effect, but I can’t directly measure how subtle because it is subjective. I imagine it can accumulate, though.

I am grateful for all my mirrors over the years. Those who have shown me what needs more work within and for pointing out my blind spots. I know I am truly responsible for my own comfort and security in the world. When this is achieved it is shared and reciprocated in a balanced way. When this is approached externally through a desperate need to find comfort from fear or insecurities it can become vampiric no matter how Krystic or spiritually advanced I may think I am.

May you see the truth in every mirror,
Jason

The Unholy Trinity

Did I get your attention? I know it is a bit dramatic but for me I see three energies to be the most powerful forces that can affect my health and well-being when they are taken to an extreme or better yet just allowed to run. By run I mean like an unconscious program or conditioned response to various stimuli. These three things are negativity, judgment, and time.
I do not see these things as inherently bad but when taken to an extreme they are very detrimental in my life. It is like they build up and run inside of me affecting all my interactions in all environments. I find it very hard to slow my mind down and become present. There is a constant feeling of needing to project into the future, to anticipate, and plan. There is restlessness and a strong desire to use distractions to control these patterns (really the distractions only seem to temporarily lessen the awareness). The thought of meditation to get centered during the cascade of these energies sounds extremely unpleasant and often is extremely difficult. Before experiencing this current amped up mental body condition, meditation felt very peaceful and I looked forward to it. You could basically call this all stress but for me I find it important to pinpoint the specific energies which help create this state of being or better yet state of non-being.
I noticed this intensity build up again now that summer break is over and I am back taking classes at the university. I see how so much of what I experience there triggers these energies to be expressed in me and how hard it is to stop. The biggest two in this situation are judgment and time. (Negativity is often combined with the judgment). It is always better to discern information but I find in my case since I am immersed in a field of information that can be very singly focused without much higher consciousness in the material, at least not being taught where I am, that it is hard for me not to begin judging things. To continually hear beliefs that rattle the very core of me as being unhealthy and self-limiting really upset me. I feel as if I am back in time and have knowledge of all these amazing things but very few around me seem able to grasp the concepts. There are so many variables not being taken into account when doing psychological research that huge issues are being totally ignored. Many know they are doing this for ease of discovery and discussion but the folly I am seeing is those that don’t realize it and have become dogmatic and a bit arrogant in their assumptions. One of the biggest is that human beings can be studied objectively. Nothing can be studied objectively in this reality, especially multidimensional beings. The double slit experiment in quantum physics has taught us this. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try but hopefully stay aware of the potential for unknown variables. The field of anthropology has come a long way in understanding this reality but psychology is not there yet and will probably not get there for some time especially since so much focus is now being placed on research in the field cognitive neuroscience. I feel this is a great pursuit and enjoy the material but not when it is believed to explain the entirety of a human being, ignoring the complexity of how the soul and spirit interact with this reality through the physical body. It is like understanding how your car works but there still needs to be a driver of the vehicle.
Another big disconnect is the total ignorance of indigenous cultures and their knowledge. How beliefs and practices are dismissed as total lunacy or simply as “primitive” thinking. We all started out with this knowledge even the Europeans who are just a little longer removed from it. There are common themes among all nature based ancient cultures which are important for human health and well-being. One of the most important in my opinion is the acknowledgement of the unseen, that which is strongly internally felt and requires the ability to actually be present with an environment. People who have this sensitivity are not dysfunctional, or schizophrenic. There are even children who have been given this negative label of schizophrenia. There are extreme cases for sure but I feel many are being diagnosed based on a misunderstanding of their high sensitivity to subtle energy. They are able to see and hear what many ignore or are afraid to admit they themselves have experienced.
So much of this post probably feels like a negative rant but I felt these things needed to be expressed at least for my own mental health. I realize I am where I am and learning these things for a reason. Perhaps I just need more patience while jumping through these hoops but I can’t ignore all the potential available to help people by combining this knowledge. I am anxious to get into more applied applications, to find someone in academia that is incorporating anthropology, psychology, biology, epigenetics, quantum physics, and shamanism into this field. Maybe I will have to be the one to do it someday.
So getting back to my unholy trinity, I focus on the time aspect to keep it in check. To really set the intention to be present with whatever I do and not deviate too much. Basically it comes down to discipline. I do my assignments and use all my mental body to read and analyze but then I set aside a chunk of time to meditate every day, working to turn everything off during that chunk of time. The meditation of letting go of all thoughts calms the storm inside me. The rest of the day I work on mindfulness meditation while interacting with the world. Every time I remember I check in, breathe, and let go of whatever thought or energy I am carrying inside me so it does not build up and put me on some kind of panic driven overstimulated pattern. By focusing on being present I can catch the negativity and judgment before it creates all that tension in my body. I also find it important recently to stop and listen to what I am feeling and not just dismiss what is going on inside. In the past I was ignoring a lot of this because I felt like I didn’t have enough time and just plowing through things which left me stressed out and frustrated. Not only that but it seemed to disconnect me from my true self/higher self-connection. This connection is where real intelligence is, the ability to discern extremely large amounts of variables and information to come to a deeply felt truth. It is hard to navigate the current education system with intuitive thought or maybe it isn’t but it is hard to communicate it to those who live there. So I will need to work to gain mastery of my mental body to thrive in the university system but always remain strongly connected to my true sense of intelligence and power. Maybe someday when the time is right the realm of subtle energy can be empirically proven and accepted within academia as a major component in human health and well-being.

May you always find your center during a mental storm,
Jason