New Energy Coming Online

I let go of a lot of the negative harmful energy I was carrying since my last post in fact a huge part of it. An energy that I labeled as beast for the final purge, something I carried for a very long time. It was protecting me in a sense.

I was given the message of love being its intention. The reason to let it go was that the form of love it expressed in protecting me was no longer of service in my life. It was holding me back. I let it go and thanked it. I had assistance with this by supportive individuals in my life that could help create an environment where this could be facilitated.

The strange thing that happened after the release and letting go was that another energy came in immediately afterward. It was like this very advanced type aspect of myself. Something that seems very foreign to this world and not something I have seen fully manifested very often. It is like this very calm and capable emissary type being who is very poised and strong yet unassuming. This part scares me in a way for I know how powerful this type of energy is and I feel it has an effect or can trigger a great many people. If I work to embody it I must fully release fear.

The fearful parts I make up around what may happen if I embody this are internal dialogs of others like, “this guy thinks he is better than me” or “this person acts really weird. Why are they not reacting to all this drama?”

The humble truth is it is like this Christ/Kryst type consciousness that is very rarely seen manifested for long periods of time but cannot be ignored when it does. It is a force that is absolutely present and engaged with its environment but at the same time in total control of its self. It does not get sucked into drama by guilt, frustration or a sense of needing to belong. It stands strong and centered even in the face of attack which is defused because of its calm demeanor and ability to shift the very field of energy around a person/environment. This particular version presented to me is also in total control over body movements needed for defense like a Tai Chi master that simply points out the futility of even trying to hit him through extremely cultivated internal energy, balance and relaxation.

I refer to this energy or archetypal energy form as “it” for it transcends gender. It doesn’t even feel a part of this planet but like a visiting energy or something that is returning from long ago and will solidify this new paradigm.

Ultimately, it is about those that have the volition to allow their full human potential to come online and shine for all to see without fear or apology. Humans expressing their unique gifts from a place of balanced power and connection.

I feel this has been happening for a great many people for some time now. And it is important that I point out that it is an energy available not something I am saying I am right now. My hope is that by embracing more of this energy on a daily basis, remembering what it felt like and how it looked, that I will manifest this as the core of who I am in action and deed in the future. With any luck, seeing this mastery achieved in this lifetime.

May you always know this energy within and around you,


Embracing the Feminine and Releasing the Perpetrator Protector

I had one of those realizations or deep awareness’s recently that are so strong that they feel like they reach beyond space and time. Beyond the constructs of mental thought with such intensity and emotion that it is hard to ignore the great truth coming through in that moment. At the same time knowing that I could never empirically prove the truth of such a deep inner experiential thing. This doesn’t even matter that much to me anymore I write about it here to help process it and to share with those that have similar experiences with inner states that are more than just the result of thoughts or triggered emotions.

I am truly blessed to live in Hawaii. I am coming to really appreciate that and surrender to it. I am allowing myself to enjoy this amazing and powerful place, to be in joy more with it. One of the great things about living in Hawaii is that in February I can go outside and pick fresh cherry tomatoes for my morning breakfast. I was doing this the other day on an exceptionally beautiful morning in which I was feeling very good and happy about this blessing in my life. As I am picking the tomatoes I am also acknowledging their beauty and thanking the plant, something I try to remember to do to be more conscious of the life that is within all things and increase my gratitude. Out of nowhere I am hit with a vision, a feeling and a profound experiential knowing.

I am conscious and aware of my surroundings but I feel as if I am in Italy long ago and I am a woman who is also picking tomatoes having the same reverence for her many blessings and for the beauty all around her/me. It feels good, it feels so safe and soft and all those things that the feminine energy can encompass. I allow myself to feel that vulnerability, a surrender to being connected and feeling safe knowing I am protected. Well right around this moment I feel that fear come in. I feel the message that I am not safe that this is going to be taken from me. At any moment someone is going to come and hurt me to rip this from me. I feel the need to protect myself come up. I just witness this from my current station of identity as Jason a male in this life.

I see how I have had this feeling of not being safe much of my life, feeling as though at any minute someone or something is going to attack me, to put me down to take me away from what I hold most precious.

I realize that long ago as a warrior in a village, tribe or town I would need to prepare for the inevitable event that war would break out or that someone will come to take what I have or to attack my family and those I love. That they will come destroy the feminine, that part that is open and loving and ready to nurture and care.

In this life I have fiercely protected that part in a more emotionally closed off way. I am working on letting that go. Letting go of the need to protect and put up walls and barriers that really end up trapping that part or energy, keeping it from being free to expand.
I am in a good place in my life now here in Hawaii and can be connected to this very vulnerable part, I can let go and feel safe even when things are uncomfortable, but can I let go of that part of me that holds all this back?

That part that will protect me in very destructive ways. A part that would feel right at home on an ancient battlefield shut down emotionally and able to stuff down what is felt in the heart. Becoming what has been called the shadow warrior.

To me the shadow warrior is able to do whatever it takes to protect something to the point it is closed off and shut down emotionally in order to do what it takes to “get it done”. It cannot see beyond the task at hand and a big reason why I will never truly be free to love until I let go of this energy which is not really me. I have perhaps embraced it many times in other lives and often felt the comfort of it being there in this life but this embraced energy is outside me and can be cast out if I am willing.

I am still working on releasing this long ago invited energy. It feels safe this monster. It has protected me in a way even though I have never needed to fully call on it in this lifetime. This protection has a cost and is a big part of what is keeping me from really connecting to my feminine in a real, balanced, and sustainable way. I feel I will not be the mature masculine until I can fully let this aspect go.

It is as if I think I need to go berserk at some point to fight off an invading army or just say 3 guys who want to hurt me or someone I love. This shadow warrior or what has been more specifically referred to as dark perpetrator energy is very destructive, hard to control and can as a man in a recent training explained, “can tear down a house”.

I cast a large part of this out recently. I am choosing to attain self-mastery in this life. I let go of the shadow warrior who can turn off everything and do what needs to be done knowing that it is the result of a boy’s mentality. It is an unconscious checking out and letting something else take over to feel safe and powerful.

My intention is that in letting this go I will actually be able to achieve a higher level of the warrior, one who is connected and using divine guidance to temper the extremes of the shadow warrior. This creation of a more Zen space in skill and mastery (magician) will allow me to draw upon my strength and marital arts skill in a safe and conscious way. If I ever need to protect myself or others it would be much more like the calm Kung Fu master who fights only when he needs to and done in a way that is really showing the error in even fighting.

This isn’t just about physical acts of protection for me it is largely about being able to gain control over emotions and mental thoughts that come up from fear and calling on the monster not even knowing it. It will subtlety rear its head when my ego is being threatened or when not attaining shallow ego desires. It will manifest as enemy patterning and a need to be right. It will often ruthlessly defend a position and refuse to surrender when I am not paying attention. It shows up when I feel like I am losing control or being too vulnerable and connected to another.

I now feel this energy as very separate from me, like I can simply watch it. I see how it keeps me from connecting to others. It is a monster capable of ruthless acts to protect itself. I have never needed to fully call on it but felt I needed it. The biggest reason I realized this need was around thoughts of, “what if all hell breaks loose and it is total Armageddon and I have to fight to survive.” I didn’t feel safe in the world for a long time and wanted something mean and nasty to protect me.

This is like the last vestiges from when in this current life I chose between light and darkness. A salient point in my life while in mediation over 15 years ago. I wrote about it in the post Choosing the Light.

So I am now letting go of that darkness from other lifetimes where I lost it and choose not to connect in a harmonious way with others when dealing with adversity. I see the need to let go of this false protector, this energy of volatility, of the cornered animal that will do anything to protect itself. I am the divine human being not that which feeds off of the negative judgments of experiences.

May you know yourself as Sovereign and Free,

For more on archetypal representations of energy check out the excellent book: King, Warrior, Magician, Lover by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette.

Dropping In and Balancing Energy

I would like to share a little of how I find balance with some very strong emotions that come up inside of me. How when I take the time and create the space within I can use that specific feeling to find balance not only internally but also with the external environment I am in.

Last week I was hit with an immense feeling of guilt. I felt it so strong and with such persistence that it occupied the bulk of my attention. It was really eating away at me. I felt myself starting to slip into self-abuse and negative thinking patterns but luckily stopped short of all that insanity.

Despite catching the pattern I still felt like I had did something wrong and that something horrible happened or will happen as a result of what I did. (Actually a very common feeling for me as a child).

I for the life of me couldn’t figure out what it was. I replayed the day’s events in my head and came up with a couple of possible things but upon further reflection they really weren’t anything more than judgments based on thinking that I did something wrong. Stuff like burning my clutch a little in my car while leaving an intersection or not taking the time to stop for someone who was nearing a crosswalk.

To get to the root of this very strong persistent feeling I decided to do some deeper work on it rather than just thinking. I sat down to meditate with the intention to clear all guilt, shame and blame.

I just sat there breathing connecting to my higher self, feeling and seeing that energy flowing inside me. I ran a couple affirmations to increase this connection. I calmed my mind and found my neutral center, that safe place inside. Casting out that which didn’t serve me.

I then cleared the energy in my environment of any shame, blame or guilt. I was at someone’s house who I often see battle with this behavior. I will have to ask his permission but was able to do it in that moment with seeing he would say yes when I ask him later (which he did). I was able to clear the energy by finding its polar opposite and bringing a specific flavor of energy in to create a potential balance between the two.

For me to harmonize and clear this environment, I just tap into the opposite energy of Guilt, Shame and Blame, in this case, Love, Acceptance, and Honor. While deeply feeling the emotions that those feelings bring up I can radiate that out into the environment thereby bringing in energy to a space that is weighted too far in the other direction.

This intentional direct manifestation and transmutation of energy isn’t advisable to do to others unless one has permission. Simply holding space can often create the same effect with people or environments where permission to do energy work may not be possible or granted by the owner of the space. With permission more can be done in the environment or with an individual.

After all this clearing/balancing of energy I was able to limit the big factors that may be interfering with my clarity in tapping into my own emotions. When I dropped back in on the guilty feeling inside what came to me was the name and image of a man I know.

The data on this was that I had tried calling him a few days prior on what I thought was his cell phone but got his wife instead at their home. When this happened I was a bit hurried and not really present. My mind was still locked on the idea that this was his cell phone and he must have left it at home. She even said something about how horrible he is about answering his cell phone and that I should talk with him about it which I jokingly agreed.

This all came back to me while meditating so I decided to call and tell him about my miscommunication with his wife. I was concerned that to not tell him may possibly drive a wedge between them since I was agreeing with her about something that never happened but might support some judgment she has about him. Plus, it could come back to me that I was making up stories or not being authentic with my communication.

This may never have been the outcome but I found that when I did call and explain the situation that it brought us closer together.

I am personally amazed by this whole process which has happened for me many other times in the past. I can tap into my subconscious, or my higher self, or some aspect of me that will get me this information and a whole lot more. Perhaps it is a soul aspect since the “feeling” was so strong.

As a side, I will share that there is a deep sadness that comes to me from time to time that I can never fully tap the root cause of. Its level and intensity varies. This deep seemly endless spiral into despair often takes every tool in my possession to pull out of. Sometimes even this doesn’t work and I just trust that the next day I will feel better and it gets me through. And it is always better.

I could only imagine what it would be like if I had learned all this right from childhood when the connections were still fresh. How much easier my life might have been if I was taught emotional intelligence, awareness of internal and external energy and how these subtle vibrations can affect someone like me.

For me it is all about having the ability to navigate and understand internal states. Knowing that these internal states don’t have to define me but instead guide me.

May you always know the intelligence that lives in calm centered balance,

Healing the Inner Child of Separation

I had a powerful experience recently that I I feel I must share. It was something that helped me gauge how far I have come with my inner work and how I can use this as service to others.

It is in my awareness that there is often a message playing out inside me. This message can often be sourced back to one experience where I took it on and carried it with me throughout my life. It is a message that comes up when I am scared or frustrated, when I am about to push through to greatness or make genuine connection with others. Many refer to this as shadow. It causes tremendous pain and separation in the world.

I can remember as a child I felt open and connected to my world then as time went on things happened and I began to feel unsafe. People yelling at me, telling me I wasn’t good enough, and the idea that I was less than another.

The separation began. The idea of “the other” started to come in. The mental concept that I am different from those around me followed by a strong judgment about that based on salient experiences.

This idea of separate was wonderful and exciting in a heart based way but also scary when it became extreme in belief. I tried to find ways to comfort this idea of being different. I ran into others who had this and it was often centered on how they looked, where they lived, what gender they were, what kind of clothes they wore…

For more back ground I will share that I recently staffed a Boys to Men Adventure Weekend.

Boys to Men Mentoring is an organization open to individuals of varying belief systems. They do not subscribe to any one belief other than healthy men need to mentor boys into mature masculinity or they will burn down the village to feel the heat.

The Weekend Adventure is a camping trip set up by this nonprofit mostly volunteer organization. These events happen every couple of months for local youth in Hawaii (nationally as well). I have found these Adventure Weekends to be powerful but at the same time a challenging experience.

For me, it often brings up my own difficult childhood and opens some of the deep inner wounds from that. These wounds are things that I used to let define me as a man.

I have since done a lot of work around this wounding and the many disempowered beliefs that come up around it like, I am not safe and I am less than another. This was put to the test over the weekend when I noticed one of the young men giving me a look, one that I had seen many times before.

I can’t be certain what the look was about but it bought up that childhood feeling of being ashamed for what I look like. It took me back to that message I took on as a youth that I was a lame and goofy white boy and how I had to toughen up and project more anger. The energy I felt coming at me was something like, white boy has everything he wants and his life is perfect. This of course isn’t true.

When I was a child this would shut me down. I would pull myself inside and dim my light way down trying to blend in. I would pretend I was miserable to keep people from targeting me, that I wasn’t this happy little white boy that had everything because I didn’t. I embraced darkness to feel safe.

I had a lot going on that people didn’t see. There was a lot of pain and confusion for me as a child. I resented that on the surface my life looked like a episode of Leave it to Beaver and that I was not worthy of any respect. I felt I wasn’t able to shine the light of who I was and would get attacked if I did.

So this time I felt that child wounding and story come up. I caught it when I started to want to protect myself and get angry or engage with a dirty look of my own with this young man.

This is not who I am and not why I was on the weekend. I was there to support these young men so it was pretty easy to simply notice what was going on inside me, breath it out and not engage in any interaction. I just stayed neutral to the gaze I felt from the boy as I continued what I was doing.

What was so powerful was that a little while later I was sitting alone when this same boy came and sat down across from me at the picnic bench. I smiled and happily chatted with him when he asked how I was doing. He then began to share all the things he was holding deep inside that were causing him pain.

I was in awe of his strength and openness. It was such an honor to be there for him as he asked for help with a lot of the same things I went through as a child.

He connected with a number of other mentors that weekend in the same way. He later showed even greater courage when he spoke up in front of everyone sitting in a large circle. He did what I have seen as being so difficult for many grown men to do. He stepped into his power and spoke his needs. He put down the shame and asked for help which he will receive.

This was able to happen because men did not react to his behavior but instead owned their own triggers and held the space of compassion for him to let go. To begin to heal that part that can fester and turn into a monster that may haunt a man for his whole life. Inviting a force of energy into oneself that has the potential to create great pain and suffering in the world.

I know that part. It took me a long time to remove a lot of it and control what may be left of it. To realize that it is fed on the idea of being separate or less than others. It can swing into thinking it is better or uses judgments to justify its actions. It lives in a person’s head and stifles their heart, their connection to all that is.

I still have work to do with this (being vulnerable and open) but I see I am making progress and helping others gain tools so they don’t have to walk in darkness.

May you always shine your light for all to see,

Lack of Communication

This blog is kind of turning into a voyage into the realizations and follies of Jason in his effort to be a better man than simply stories of weird experiences. Perhaps these more recent experiences I have written about in the last couple of posts are the weirdest of all and deify all logic.

Some examples might be the concept of the mirror, that a person can upset me so much because they are doing something I myself do. Would this not be welcome? Am I that irritating? How about the person that feels absolutely justified in their actions that they are hurtful to others? Is this not blatantly obvious to the person?

Well the answer I have found is no. Most people cannot see these things and it takes tremendous effort and an absolute willingness to surrender their ego and protection mechanisms to do it. I am still seeing this in myself on more levels than I ever imagined.

I can catch that exact moment when I am being triggered, or so I think, and still go with it. I sometimes still think it is ok to shoot a person a dirty look based on actions I feel are not appropriate or harmonious for others. The paradox for me is that then I am the bad guy. I am the one who is being rude.

The other guy might have just been an annoying presence but I took it into a possible confrontation. I put out a negative catalyst hoping to change the situation but it will often only bring a feeling of sadness or anger to the person if it is even noticed or acknowledge. At this point it will often become a battle of self-defense and a justification for a certain behavior or position. It is very unlikely to change in any real sense.

The problem I see is that of communication. I am not speaking up about something in a neutral and non-projecting manner. By projection I mean a rigid view of the person, situation, or issue that is really about me and can come out as shaming and blaming towards another (important to note that projections can also be positive).

I seem to still want to hold my need for expression in until it builds volatile energy within me. Then there is much less control in how my want for a specific change is expressed. It is true I could simply take the Buddhist path and let go of any external change needed, which I do to a certain extent very often but that to me can be taken too far to the other end of the spectrum.

At a certain point I feel we all must speak up and share our wants with the world. Many of our deep wants are the same despite all our superficial differences. This is how positive change happens rather than spiritual escapism in labeling much of the harmful things in the world as karma, gods will, or that’s just the way it has always been. A collective dialog needs to take place.

When I can calmly express a want I may not always get it and it may not always be received well but it is out in the open and a possible catalyst for change. I don’t have to unknowingly hold it in until it explodes out or becomes a disease pattern in my body.

An expressed need won’t always get met but when done with the use of tools such as non-violent communication terms and assertive speech it sometimes does.

I have also found and seen in others that when a want is expressed feedback can be given. Sometimes the want is based on a judgment or assumption of what another person is doing or saying. When the other person can calmly communicate back their position without being too defensive genuine communication can be achieved. Both parties are no longer mind reading or misinterpreting the others actions. This is a fine art that few have achieved but I have met a few who give me great hope.

Reality Manipulator
The biggest hindrance I see to open communication is a lack of authenticity and ownership of ones actions. Without honesty a foundation is difficult to establish. So what to do in that situation?

I have yet to figure this one out. I try to just accept what the person tells me as true but then I see indications that it is not. Sometimes it is concrete factual data that they are not being truthful and still the lie or omission of truth is not acknowledged. This is so frustrating to me and makes it to where I don’t even want to engage with the person. I find myself not even really listening to them that closely and working really hard not to make judgments about what they are saying. This really saddens me.

It reminds me of the burden of truth and how so many things can be effectively hidden by not openly acknowledging them. Many lawyers love this. You never admit guilt. This can be seen in extreme examples when a person is caught red handed cheating on their partner and simply says it wasn’t them.

There was a song by Shaggy released in 2000 about that. I thought it was brilliant but also one of the most abusive things a person could do to someone they love. Not the cheating part but to say it didn’t happen, to fully reject the reality that they both shared. She saw it, he did it, but it is a “No. Didn’t happen” I will never admit it type energy.

It is pretty ballsy but unfortunately it would work with some people who are so damaged and desperate to stay with the form of “love” and security they have with that person. This allows the person cheating to get their want filled at the expense of their partner who may accept it on some level in order to stay “comfortable”.

Although I have never experienced the extreme case as presented in the song I have and have had interactions with people who I can’t trust are telling me the truth. After a long hard road of frustration and failed efforts these persons have taught me to accept people as they are and not try to change them.

They are choosing a specific reality that they want to live in. It probably feels safe and so I try to just leave that be and remain neutral.

I have to keep a wall or barrier up with these people who are a part of my life by default. I love and care about them but I feel like we can’t really be fully present with one another. Perhaps this is based on my trust issues and allows me the opportunity to work on this and probably why they are in my life.

Luckily, I can present my wants and they will often acknowledge many of them. The ones they don’t are often related to some part of them that is not yet ready to be vulnerable. This taught me that it is not my place to get others to change so that I am more comfortable.

I think many people, including myself are too invested in how others perceive them that they will not acknowledge certain things. They may even be aware others know these things about them but they still need to hold onto a specific view of self. This is being over identified with the ego. I would describe it as a part that is superficial and covers up genuine human interactions and communication on deeper levels. These identifications are often mental (metal) aberrations that may feel comforting and safe but actually cause suffering in one’s self and others.

To be vulnerable and express deep wants with non-attached outcome expectations and neutral energy while acknowledging the reality and wants of another. All while being aware of my own judgments of situations and personal self-protective comfort needs. Wow what a handful! Luckily, I have many years to continue my work on this and probably a couple more lifetimes after this one.

May you always express your wants in a healthy compassionate way,

Getting Triggered

I seem to have been getting triggered a lot lately. Luckily, I have come to learn that these things are opportunities for self-improvement and to practice being present. The biggest reminder of all is that if someone really pisses me off or upsets me it is because they are mirroring something I dislike about myself. This is definitely the case with a couple of recent extremely brief interactions.

The first one happened while I was driving down the road last week. A man in another car was making a left turn in front of me at the stop sign. It was very brief but the way he looked at me and the energy I felt from him really pissed a part of me off.

On the surface there was no reason for me to be upset he just looked and smiled. But for me it was the lack of acknowledgement even though he looked right at me. It was a feeling of “You are not worth my time and I am in my own little happy world”.

My anger further increased while I was stuck behind him and his nonchalant driving under the speed limit. I was strongly impulsed to blast past him in anger but I knew I was triggered and so I just kept driving normally. Besides, he wasn’t really driving all that slow especially for how laid back people can be on the island but as I was stuck behind him I could feel my anger still growing.

I was finally able to relax while focused on my breath and letting all the angry thoughts go. These thoughts created quite a story like, “Look at this guy all happy and not even paying attention to anything just living in his own little reality of perfection”. I caught these thoughts and knew this wasn’t really true but it is what was running through my head and had to be released.

Letting go is my needed discipline to be in control of myself and my actions. To make the choice in every moment of what I am doing with what comes up inside of me. These thoughts may be in my head but they do not need to be mine and they certainly don’t need to be indulged creating emotion (energy) or manifested into an action (force).

The second trigger happened later that same day. I am waiting for a parking spot only to have it taken by some guy that drives in the wrong way and totally snakes it from me. I remember even looking at the guy and saying “You totally snaked me” as I drove by choosing to just leave the situation. I let the impulse and thoughts overwhelm me briefly that time before I could catch it. I felt like I handled well as I was pretty hot and wanted to take it much further but I realized later I still could have handled it better.

What these two incidents have in common is a pattern I have that I was not fully aware of until recently. It is one of not fully acknowledging people because I am uncomfortable. The guy that took my spot didn’t see me waiting for it and I could have simply drove up and said something in a calm way. Because this is Hawaii there is a good chance he might have apologized and moved (It was the last spot in the loading zone for home depot and I was buying a bunch of wood). Instead I went into a victim type pattern and never allowed time for a more authentic interaction to occur. I simply went right into I was wronged and have a right to be pissed off and get upset before even making sure this guy knew I was there.

This justified victim mentality can lead to being a victimizer and is the energy that is so prevalent in the world right now.

I realized that I had put on that same attitude/energy that I had felt from the guy I was stuck behind. I was not acknowledging others in a calm and present way. It was if they didn’t exist to me and was blowing them off so I would be more comfortable in my avoidance. It was like a desire to be separate from them and not share the same space. This is impossible and can be felt by others. They may not know what it is but most will feel it.

For me the reason for this lack of fully acknowledging people I look at is because of some fear. I still often feel the need to protect myself and so I use all these conscious and unconscious techniques to do that. Like a superficial smile and brief eye contact.

The truth is I do not need to act like this. I am safe and by acting as if I am not or like a victim I can actually invite hostilities or at the very least superficial interactions which are not appreciated in a very amazing place like the Big Island of Hawaii. People actually look at each other here and smile even if they don’t know you. It is very rude not to acknowledge each other here. This is very different from where I grew up. I tell some locals this and they are amazed that many strangers would get upset with you if you smile at them or if you try to help them.

For me to simply put on a smile and not really look at people is something I could get away with on the mainland but here I see now that more is required. Perhaps it is the result of my intention to live life with an open and loving heart. The Universe always provides these kinds of opportunities in meeting my desire to be better.

So the work for me continues in healing my need to cover my own ass and keep people at a distance but I am grateful for my mirrors that help me see where I can improve and be a more open and loving human being.

May you remember to see the mirror,

Down in the Mud

Mud Hand

I recently stepped way outside my comfort zone. I did not know how far this step was going to take me at first, but it ultimately lead to nothing short of facing one of my biggest fears in a very real and tangible way.

By taking a small step and participating with something I would have avoided only a short time ago I was shown what is possible in my life. This situation created the space for me to surrender and move beyond a big part of a massive fear I have carried since childhood.

This breaking down of a huge barrier has invigorated me with more courage and a proactive momentum to keep going beyond the fears that keep me from fully living a life of fulfillment and service. I see that the old patterns can be broken down now. When I surround myself with the right people for me a new reality of experience is created. I am actually looking for more fear to push through in order to keep this momentum going. Beyond fear lies my joy and freedom.

I recently wrote about polarity integration in a page I added to this site. I basically describe this form of energetic and physical work as finding balance between extremes. Work of this nature is difficult and confusing especially in the beginning but then something else happens further down the journey, you get to the razors edge.

There is a fine line where things must be slowly and methodically adjusted. This has proven to be the most difficult aspect for me. It is easy for me to essentially scorch the earth and cut away all the stuff that is extreme in me at both sides of the spectrum. When it comes to really defining my life and actions it is much more difficult with plenty of fear to block it from happening.

After having lived polar extremes in life I have the last couple of years been slowly coming down from the mountain of energetic isolation. I lived in darkness and addiction, wallowing in material density, distortion, and confusion for a time while in my youth then I pulled myself up high on a spiritual path of exploration and deep self-discovery. This is where I tried to stay but I found it lonely and unbalanced. It was like another form of escape for me.

It is easy to sit on the mountain somewhat removed from the chaos of the world but it is much more difficult to get down in it and maintain that same state of calm as found high above. It is also easy to surrender everything and fall into the dense heaviness of the world to play out ego desires through hedonistic pursuits and willful ignorance. Throwing on blinders and living in reality bubbles.

Popping those bubbles and exposing oneself to the heaviness while commanding one’s personal space in a calm and loving manner is a great challenge. Walking the line between these extremes is my work.

In my youth I lost myself for a while and rejected a lot of things about who I was in order to fit in and create an identity that would get me what I thought I wanted. A lot of it was powered by fear. Fear of being different and of being myself.

I was able to pull myself back out of that space and moved so far from it I wound up being pretty isolated and protective of my interactions with others. I was afraid to participate with a great many things for fear of being exposed to distortions and harmful energies. This is a real concern but I took it too far. I removed myself from so much that my life suffered. I was being more of the person I truly am but very few people saw it. I started to realize that I was going to have to let go of being a pure clean energy if there is such a thing. I had to let go of covering my ass and worrying about being energetically attacked.

The last couple of years I started to open up. I began to expose myself to things and people that I did not really feel too comfortable around. I basically opened my energy field a little which often left me feeling exhausted by what came in. What was even more tiring was the fear I had about it.

I realize now that life is going to be either lonely uncomfortable on the mountain top, or uncomfortable and fulfilling down in the mud. I can come off the mountain, though I may get “dirty” and some of it may not come off, I will be living my life more fully and be reaching more people.

This solidification of my life is something I am now stepping into in much bigger ways. I am getting out in the world, meeting more people and stepping into leadership roles when needed. I am finding who I am externally, who I can become when letting go of fear and blockages.

I have already found who I am on the deep multidimensional levels beyond matter and form. Finding my true inner self has been my focus for the last 10 years. I am now comfortable with that and I can honestly say I do not fear death and I have a pretty good idea what will happen when I leave this body.

I have seen many other lifetimes I have lived and felt their messages. I have experienced a great deal of karma for this life and the others. I have completed acts of contrition for those lives and continue to do this even to this day. I have found my deep inner truth to my satisfaction and it even comes with a label I can present to the world that I do not feel is too limiting even though it is a label, Indigo Starseed.

This solidification of my life is about stepping out and being the man I want to be. I am letting my inner light and abilities shine. Not only am I helping others but I am also helping myself, another difficult balance to achieve.

I am creating myself and owning the truth of who I am. I do not need others to believe as I do for I didn’t believe it at first either. It is too far out there and seems weird at first. I can fulfill my mission without this need for external comfort. In fact, after a period of being overly expressive of my beliefs, I have learned the great power of only sharing these things with those who are drawn to ask. I of course write about them here in case others may benefit from it.

My mission is to: Create a world of sovereignty and freedom by being passionately present. What that means is that I am not only fully present in each moment, but I am also being passionate. I am going with what I feel and letting that energy exude out from me when I check in with now moment presence.

I love stronger, I connect, and most importantly I let down the walls of protection in those many moments that are safe to do so. I am finding this is much more often than I ever believed possible. In fact when I put down that shield and sword I find others feel safer, they are open and friendly. Again, this requires me to let go of my fear of others and of embarrassment, something I have carried since childhood.

The paradox of my biggest fears revealing my greatest joy is my Magnus opus. I have been really working on that a lot lately. I recently faced my biggest fear and plowed right through it. I let go and found nothing horrible happened. I was very uncomfortable but I participated and pushed through the fear and kept the negative thoughts at bay. I did not let my shadow drive. In one night I healed a big part of the trauma in me because I was fortunate enough to have been led to an environment that allowed for that to happen.

I still have more to do and more to accept about myself around this fear with its many conditioned responses and thoughts but I am aware and catching them more easily. The feeling of doom and helplessness isn’t as strong. I finally see things more clearly. I had obsessed over this thing since childhood at a time when I didn’t have a clear view of what was ahead of me.

Moving forward
I rediscovered this old Zen proverb recently which I thought was quite fitting after my powerful experience, “Before enlightenment, chop wood carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood carry water.”

The way I interpret this is that life goes on. Any time after I have a powerful experience, initiation, epiphany, breakthrough, or any other salient life altering experience there is a high that I ride but then it starts to fade away and once again I find myself with the everyday concerns and stresses of living in modern society. The abrasive energies, the parasites, the survival fears and my shadow which always seems to come back with a vengeance but my attitude is changed a little each time. I do everything a little different from those moments on. I am more conscious of what is going on within me.

With each enlightening experience, I find the ability to stop and say “Wait a minute what am I doing right now? Is this serving me? What am I unknowingly participating with?” Lately the biggest question is “How can I be more passionately present in this moment?”

That big question brings me back to the man I want to be in the world. It brings those inner parts out with the kind of energy I create surrounding me. It comes out emotionally in my depth of feelings and expressions shown through body language and on my face. Finally it comes out fully manifested into 3D reality in my behavior, words and actions.

Another great saying I love is, “The difficulty is not in attaining enlightenment but in maintaining it.”

I find myself back down in the dense heaviness of life, covered in its metaphorical mud but ok with that. I come off my mountain of worry and hesitation about what might overcome me or of what will attack me. I know these things to be a very real concern and a reality on this planet but the worry about it was mostly mental stuff.

When I am present I am able to deal with it and I am often guided away from harmful situations. A space always opens up.

I can try and run/ignore the disruptive subtle energy experiences but it catches me and accumulates. So I face it and meditate/claim my personal space to clear it in that moment. It is always intensified when I judge it or it activates a trigger.

What I am writing about here is a type of feeling that overcomes me for a moment and I can source it as not coming from within. There are varying levels of this. Anyone who is sensitive to energy or has spent long hours meditating will know what I speaking of.

It is amazing how often this type of thing shows up in the middle of the night especially when I am not feeling well emotionally or physically or when someone close to me is really upset about something.

I am learning the power of shifting my attitude and remembering to enlighten myself, to be present, connected, to see and feel the powerful brilliant energies flowing through my body, the essence of who I truly am. It brings feelings and intelligence beyond the mind.

Shining my light and living out in the open does draw more attention than I might like but the center is strong and connected.

The best reason to really shine is that we are in a new paradigm of freedom. It may not always look like it on the surface but it is building and solidifying in many parts of the world.

Much is determined with what we choose to participate with and where our focus is.

When in doubt I remember my mission to create a world of sovereignty and freedom by being passionately present. It pulls me out of the drama. It moves me towards what I may superficially fear but what ultimately reveals my greatest joy when moved through. It connects me to those around me and sustains my connection to all I AM.

May you Recall your enlightenment in every moment of every day,