Transitions

I did it! I moved into a new place literally and figuratively.

It was a little over three years ago when my friend Darrell found me an amazing deal. It was a house on an acre of land here in Hawaiian Paradise Park. A sweet cheap rent and work trade setup. The house was built and designed by artists back in the 80’s with all the cool little touches you might expect.

An old and funky place, it needed a lot of work. The previous renters had really let it go and left a bunch of junk behind. As I cleaned the place energetically and physically, I felt its power to increase whatever emotional energy that was brought to it. Maybe this was because of the actual location, the intentional design and layout of the structure, or the fact that it is surrounded by rainbow eucalyptus trees.

Whatever it was this place healed many people. We held weekly support/therapeutic type circles there for over 2 years. These circles drew empaths, healers, energy workers, clairvoyants, starseeds, indigos, and generally just overall amazing people.

I started my own coaching/energy work business there and experienced my own intensified depression and pain from what would come up as the result of my thoughts in the house. I had to clear old energy patterns, make peace with what would not leave in the house, and connect to a part of me that I thought was an external energetic phenomenon.

Before I moved to this house I was stuck and unable to see my way out. I had sold almost everything I owned and moved to Hawaii. I stayed with family while finishing my degree and I told myself it was work trade but I was living with family in a place where I felt a bit like an alien. I isolated, meditated, dedicated many hours a day practicing tai chi and focused on learning everything I could about psychology. I had already studied ascension mechanics, metaphysics, tarot, et… and yet I still wasn’t fixed. I had to find the answer.

I only found more questions because I was only learning. I was not truly applying the principles consistently. And at the same time, it was all perfect including the sever illness of leaky gut I developed then. I cut out so many addictions but was finding myself still self-medicating by eating a large bowel of ice-cream every night and watching Netflix.

As the illness progressed my body began wasting away from nutrient deficiency as the result of intestinal damage from poor food choices and the inflammation from prolonged stress/fear. I came to this planet to do something and I was not doing it or better yet I simply couldn’t enjoy my developmental phase for when I would do it later. I negatively judged and was time obsessed.

When the house among the trees opportunity was presented to me, I was genuinely excited. I was on the path back to health because I had found a group of men who supported me in having a voice and helping me heal the deep wound, I carried. A childhood and past life wound that ran deep from men who abuse their power.

I was of course doing many things and seeing many healers but this masculine environment of sitting in a circle and doing training adventures helped me face many triggers and self-worth issues. It also taught me to break down many of the remaining destructive patterns that my metaphysics/tarot teacher threw back at me on a continual basis for 5 years while in Arizona.

Like me the house needed to be cleaned and the jungle hacked back away from it. An amazing thing happened during the process. I discovered things I needed in the house, dishes, tools, pots and pans, tables, chairs, things that I remember thinking how I am I ever going to afford to buy all those things again. It was one of many blocks that kept me stuck in my head worried and afraid.

Outside I rescued a banyan tree who spoke to me in an ancient tongue many have forgotten to listen to, I found close to a hundred pineapple plants, banana plants, mangos and even a hot tube.

I am grateful for my time among the eucalyptus trees, the banyan trees, and the pineapples. It is time to move on and grew beyond the safety of this magical hiding place.

I am loving my new spot full of sunshine and cool ocean breezes. Can’t wait to see what happens next!

May you remember and use what is uncovered,

Jason

Be Courageous in the Face of Love!

If you can understand this you probably know what it means to be working on healing an avoidant attachment style. For those with one of the other attachment styles you may ask, “Who would be afraid of love?” Well people that have been hurt or very confused by it at an early age would be my answer and what tons of research has shown.

Something happened at a deep core level. The very young child basically took on the message that I am not safe to explore the world. There can also be a feeling that something bad is going to happen at any moment and the need to control everything around us. Truly, an impossible feat but a child and young adult often does not know this. There is a tendency towards perfection or a total rejection of everything. A domination of surroundings or hiding away from them. And often a need for constantly seeking approval but freaking out when it gets to be too much.

To make this more personal, I will share that I just spent the last few hours writing out what is important to me and what to focus on. This was instead of allowing the darkness of suicidal ideation creep into my field of energy. I felt it start to visit as soon as I was on the flight back home from my visit to Greece. I felt it sit beside me and tell me I have too much do to when I get home and what are you even doing anyway? You are all over the place and perhaps it would be easier to just give up. Each thing you want to do is only being half done, it is not good enough, and you are too scared/lazy to really step up. Why even bother nobody cares anyway. You are just making a fool of yourself.

I of course know this unhelpful friend very well from years of listening to his shitty feedback and bad advice and yet he still shows up despite my best efforts to ride myself of him. But now I chose to use this communication, it pushes me to examine these things.

So, at 3 am this morning when he was really screaming and trying to hijack my mind I got up and wrote. I wrote down all the things I am working on and what the priorities are from a place of genuine expression rather than writing for an audience as I usually do. I gained clarity that my master’s degree is my priority and I must finish this. I am almost there.

I need to keep mentoring youth even though it can be challenging in more ways than people might expect. I know this is my path. I was shown it long ago in a vision.

I am really enjoying my new superfood business and see so much potential for it to help many people. This currently excites me but I am being careful not to drop everything else in its pursuit like I usually do.

I really want create a couple workshops this summer

But the big one in my life is that I am alone. As time goes on, I see how difficult most of my life has been by constantly isolating and running from romantic relationships and even intimate friendships. Life is not meant to be lived alone, humans run in families, groups, tribes. Traveling around Greece by myself after my friend had to go back home really helped solidify this for me. I had to drive, navigate, translate, find places to stay and eat all while keeping my energy calm and balanced. It was really hard and I am tired.

Being in another country can really wear on you if you if you are by yourself. I made it through and it was fun but what if I actually allowed more support in my life, allowed more love. Allowed my family/tribe to fully manifest? To have people around me on a regular basis. I have always gone it mostly alone because I did not want to drag anyone else into my emotional stability drama but I am no longer that same person. It still visits like my friend that wants to push me off a cliff but I have aquired tools enough to at least no longer take it out on those around me. At least not to my knowledge.

To get back to my story, those last few days in Greece traveling to the interior where less tourists are it was all up to me. I watched as others in a foreign country seemed very nervous and scared and I judged them as weak. I would never allow myself to show that externally but I am sure it still did. That same fear and insecurity was there just below the surface many times. I felt the overwhelm, I felt my nervous system freaking out and I had to do what I always do…self soothe. Running my energy, grounding, breathing, closing my eyes and shifting it. I don’t know what I would do without these tools.

Perhaps you can relate to this, perhaps you also have what is called an avoidant attachment style and will throw your hand up in someone’s face that tries to get too close to you or will run for the hills when you truly feel vulnerable and in love.

This can be true for friendships as well. The closer they get the more it feels like something bad is going to happen because that’s what happened before. So rather than face the uncertainty of the seemingly inevitable pain an avoidant attachment style will sabotage, often unconsciously, so than at least they can control when that pain happens. It still hurts but it relieves the anxiety. The tragedy is that it is a self-fulfilling prophecy, one that continues until the pattern is brought into awareness and broken.

My advice to myself this morning and anyone who can relate is to be courageous in the face of love! For without that, the fear of life creeps in and can take us down.

May you laugh at how ridiculous your critics are and use them to light your path,

Jason

Not Good Enough

On the shadow of “not good enough”

Those of us who work in the mental health field or really anyone who has dove into the deep dark places of emotional pain have undoubtedly become familiar with the phrase not good enough. This is a shadow and a blessing for it drives people to greatness and destruction.

The deep core negative belief of “not good enough” and its associated emotional responses are all too familiar to me. This has only intensified despite my accomplishments and expressed admirations by other amazing people around me.

Still the old pattern remains. I am I doing it well enough? What is wrong with me? I am better than this. I cannot look bad. I need to be perfect. I can do more. What I do needs to be perfect. And of course the darkest and dangerous of all….the things I am associated with need to be perfect too.

What is perfect?

In psychology, this is the wound of the Sovereign the archetypal King or Queen that must place their inner and outer kingdom in order, balance, and harmony for all parts of self to thrive.

A person healing this shame-based wound of not good enough can answer this idealized “perfect” in their minds eye but with words it is a bit more difficult.

What often shows up is a need and drive to do something that will leave everybody in awe. This awe and appreciation will create a showering of compliments that “not good enough” will never fully appreciate for deep down they do not believe what is being said. It feels good but also creates discomfort because a perfect person is also humble. Driving them to walk a razors edge of god like mastery that drives some to suicide and the fortunate to initiation.

Thanks for reading. Like this lion remember what is true about you and what your gold is.

May you walk beyond your shadow in gratitude,

Jason

Come Home to Your Heart

tree

“Come home to your heart” This is the message that was given to me recently by a beloved ancestor who had passed on a while ago. With that I find myself in Love alone.

No one is really alone but that statement is related to something I am literally sitting with lately, Love. This is a deep Love for someone that turns to pain when I leave my heart space feeling. I go into my head and feel the need to have this person close to me and this creates pain and frustration not because it is a totally unobtainable feat but because being with them his not healthy for me or them at this time.

There is nothing wrong with them merely that our pain rubs up against each other making things volatile and explosive. I can sometimes go into anger at this. There was so much potential and connection between us. Since it didn’t work out I want to blame them for this longing and pain but that is just my mind falling back on a harmful and destructive protection mechanism.

I see this dynamic played out tragically all over the world since the beginning of time. How love can turn to darkness and pain and in extreme cases some very destructive suffering of others on a mass scale.

Is Love everything? Perhaps it is. I believe many of the horrible things in the world are done from a distortion of love. A longing for something that already exists as a feeling but it is pushed into control and ownership for safety. When this isn’t obtained in that mental realm it is often the cause of some ugly behavior.

Like the Buddhist say there is a need to let go and allow. That attachment is the root of all suffering. It is all mind stuff.I am seeing more and more what they mean as my journey unfolds.

We all have pain we carry and we all have developed ways to deal with that. These coping mechanisms do not always mesh well with others. Especially if our partner or loved one has a similar pain or they use a defense mechanism that triggers the other person’s past issues with a parent/significant figure in their life. So many of us are operating from a wounded child place because that is when we developed the tool. It is subconscious and rarely noticed by the individual but obvious to all around them.

Many of us are actively working to correct that in therapy, healing, dance, art, groups, and meditation just to name a few. For me it is a struggle I have put a great deal of work into and I now help others on this brave path. I have yet to fully heal myself if that is even possible but I really strive to use my tools and stay disciplined in being the person I want to be in the world.

What I am realizing is that Love is the ability to feel deeply vulnerable while not trying to control or own any external representation of it in order to alleviate that unbounded vulnerability. Fear of that vulnerability is to fear truly being in a place of Love.

To be vulnerable is to be open and connected to what is and it can feel very raw and painful. My tendency in the past was to want to run away from that “weird” feeling in various forms the strongest of which was to feel sad or angry about what is not in my life in the way I want it to be. I am realizing that the way it is in my life is perfect and if I stay with that vulnerability I can really connect and have love for that person and in turn myself and others I meet. I do not need to be with her in a traditional sense I can appreciate what I have with her and be ok that it is enough. This is how we tear down the walls that have been built to protect our hearts from being hurt.

I could be angry at all the things I didn’t get and how they have just picked up and moved on without me but truthfully I see how grateful I am at what we had and experienced. She is still in my life and I can be there with that interaction as it comes. I would truly be sad without her but maybe even this could be worked on as I progress.

I wonder if we are in Love with the person or just that feeling of Love that is ever present when it is connected to. How the connection to it is usually the result of some external thing but it is there when we go to visit that raw place. I can really feel this Love in my heart right now and I am working to make it my home. I am letting go of all the pain, fighting and blame that used to “protect” me from it when I would run to my head to remove the vulnerability.

From this place I may finally find my healing and the external representation of that in a partner. Well a guy can hope anyway and it is not a bad practice to cultivate.

Thanks for reading.

May you know the power of strong vulnerability and the Love that lives there,

Jason

Healing the Inner Child of Separation

I had a powerful experience recently that I I feel I must share. It was something that helped me gauge how far I have come with my inner work and how I can use this as service to others.

It is in my awareness that there is often a message playing out inside me. This message can often be sourced back to one experience where I took it on and carried it with me throughout my life. It is a message that comes up when I am scared or frustrated, when I am about to push through to greatness or make genuine connection with others. Many refer to this as shadow. It causes tremendous pain and separation in the world.

I can remember as a child I felt open and connected to my world then as time went on things happened and I began to feel unsafe. People yelling at me, telling me I wasn’t good enough, and the idea that I was less than another.

The separation began. The idea of “the other” started to come in. The mental concept that I am different from those around me followed by a strong judgment about that based on salient experiences.

This idea of separate was wonderful and exciting in a heart based way but also scary when it became extreme in belief. I tried to find ways to comfort this idea of being different. I ran into others who had this and it was often centered on how they looked, where they lived, what gender they were, what kind of clothes they wore…

For more back ground I will share that I recently staffed a Boys to Men Adventure Weekend.

Boys to Men Mentoring is an organization open to individuals of varying belief systems. They do not subscribe to any one belief other than healthy men need to mentor boys into mature masculinity or they will burn down the village to feel the heat.

The Weekend Adventure is a camping trip set up by this nonprofit mostly volunteer organization. These events happen every couple of months for local youth in Hawaii (nationally as well). I have found these Adventure Weekends to be powerful but at the same time a challenging experience.

For me, it often brings up my own difficult childhood and opens some of the deep inner wounds from that. These wounds are things that I used to let define me as a man.

I have since done a lot of work around this wounding and the many disempowered beliefs that come up around it like, I am not safe and I am less than another. This was put to the test over the weekend when I noticed one of the young men giving me a look, one that I had seen many times before.

I can’t be certain what the look was about but it bought up that childhood feeling of being ashamed for what I look like. It took me back to that message I took on as a youth that I was a lame and goofy white boy and how I had to toughen up and project more anger. The energy I felt coming at me was something like, white boy has everything he wants and his life is perfect. This of course isn’t true.

When I was a child this would shut me down. I would pull myself inside and dim my light way down trying to blend in. I would pretend I was miserable to keep people from targeting me, that I wasn’t this happy little white boy that had everything because I didn’t. I embraced darkness to feel safe.

I had a lot going on that people didn’t see. There was a lot of pain and confusion for me as a child. I resented that on the surface my life looked like a episode of Leave it to Beaver and that I was not worthy of any respect. I felt I wasn’t able to shine the light of who I was and would get attacked if I did.

So this time I felt that child wounding and story come up. I caught it when I started to want to protect myself and get angry or engage with a dirty look of my own with this young man.

This is not who I am and not why I was on the weekend. I was there to support these young men so it was pretty easy to simply notice what was going on inside me, breath it out and not engage in any interaction. I just stayed neutral to the gaze I felt from the boy as I continued what I was doing.

What was so powerful was that a little while later I was sitting alone when this same boy came and sat down across from me at the picnic bench. I smiled and happily chatted with him when he asked how I was doing. He then began to share all the things he was holding deep inside that were causing him pain.

I was in awe of his strength and openness. It was such an honor to be there for him as he asked for help with a lot of the same things I went through as a child.

He connected with a number of other mentors that weekend in the same way. He later showed even greater courage when he spoke up in front of everyone sitting in a large circle. He did what I have seen as being so difficult for many grown men to do. He stepped into his power and spoke his needs. He put down the shame and asked for help which he will receive.

This was able to happen because men did not react to his behavior but instead owned their own triggers and held the space of compassion for him to let go. To begin to heal that part that can fester and turn into a monster that may haunt a man for his whole life. Inviting a force of energy into oneself that has the potential to create great pain and suffering in the world.

I know that part. It took me a long time to remove a lot of it and control what may be left of it. To realize that it is fed on the idea of being separate or less than others. It can swing into thinking it is better or uses judgments to justify its actions. It lives in a person’s head and stifles their heart, their connection to all that is.

I still have work to do with this (being vulnerable and open) but I see I am making progress and helping others gain tools so they don’t have to walk in darkness.

May you always shine your light for all to see,
Jason

Fuel

With all these deep emotions I have been processing lately, I have found it interesting to check in with what is going on inside me at any given point throughout the day. I am really seeing that much of the energy I am using to power through things is based on anger or more recently pangs of inadequacy driving me to go beyond my comfort zone to improve my situation. Realizing how so much of my life I have used an energy of anger to really blast through things and push myself.
One such occurrence happened long ago when I was feeling this same level of heartache I am now, that feeling of longing and pain that requires large amounts of alcohol or strenuous exercise. I prefer the exercise as the recovery period is less traumatic to the rest of my week not to mention the realization that to overindulge in drinking is to become unconscious thereby allowing things to infiltrate the temple that is the body (these “guests” generally don’t like to leave).
I was dating someone who was like my karmic slap in the face. A woman who pulled all the tricks on me I used to use and said things to me that really hit me between the eyes. I was fully opening my heart to her but it just wasn’t working and things fell apart. So I found myself going for 4 mile runs every day, sometimes twice. Early in the morning, late at night, anytime the pain got to be too much to bear. This went on for a couple of weeks until the day came that I had ran about 2 miles and my legs gave out. They ached like crazy and every step I took was agony. I remember thinking, how was I going to get home, this sucks! But most of all I was frustrated and angry because now I wouldn’t be able to run anymore. I was afraid of drinking again and I needed this. Right at that moment I was aware of a flood of thoughts spinning in my head. All the failures and all the pain I had experienced in my life whirled around my mind like a tornado. But in that moment instead of admitting defeat and limping home I got pissed and started running anyway. It hurt like crazy but I didn’t care, I just ran harder and harder. I used all that frustration and judgment of my past situation and current position to power me on. My eyes were fixed and piercing, my arms pumped like crazy while my legs pounded the ground as hard as they could until I couldn’t feel them anymore. My heart was racing and my lungs burned but I ran even faster. I was full tilt, powered on pure rage. I was running towards the intersection when the light turned yellow I don’t know where it came from but I hit another gear and kicked even harder and beat the light. Luckily, because I had no plans in stopping if I didn’t. I must have looked like a crazy person to everyone I passed but I cared not. I was letting it all pour out, all the anger, all the frustration, all the hate I had for myself projected into pounding that pavement so I could make it home without the self-loathing and disappointment that was sure to overcome me if I had to walk. When it was all over I was a block from my house. I had ran full speed for almost two miles. I had accomplished something amazing but it was fueled by anger and self-punishment.
For a long time I marveled at this experience and found it to be empowering to know I could run that fast and that far especially when I could barely walk before. I realize now it was really showing me just how abusive I could be to myself. Usually this abuse was below the surface in the form of thoughts and impulses that would take many years to catch and even longer to correct. It is still a work in progress but the awareness is building and I have collected many more tools than I had in the past.
So these days I am spending more time checking in on what I am feeling while busy with life so as to recognizing what is fueling my actions. What energy I am using to accomplish something? What am I empowering myself with, which as a result is permeating my surrounding environment. Knowing my intention with every action is important but what fuel is being used to create that and is that the best or most efficient energy source? Is that the energy I want to give consent to embody within me energetically? So in those moments when I realize I am utilizing anger or mild forms of vengeance I stop and breathe, remember to let it go and allow myself to feel love for who I am, as I am. I focus on how to use my body movements efficiently, clearing the mental chatter in my head, and balance my focus.

So much of the dissonance seems to stem from various forms of judgment that needs to be released.

At this time I am relaxing more and just not taking anything very seriously. I am pretty sure that when I finally leave this body I will wake up and be like “Wow, I really got wrapped up in all that!”

May you always be loving and kind to yourself,
Jason

Avoidance and Self-Sabotage

So it seems I need to deviate from the general theme and title of this blog a little bit. I will be periodically going from experiential stories of my past to more recent processes and experiences. Hopefully you can bear with me as the evolution of this blog continues.

I awaken with that familiar feeling of heartache but in a way it is comforting. It is a feeling I seemed to have used in the past to drive me forward, a kind of feeling of rejection and pain from reaching for love but not fully getting there. Feelings of self-pity and loss come up requiring the need to plow through the day or whatever is ahead of me. Using these deep emotions as a catalyst for self-improvement in what form I have yet to determine.

There was an attachment theory experiment done in the 70’s where children were brought into a room to play and when fully distracted the mother would leave the room without their knowledge. There was much more to this laboratory procedure referred to as the strange situation (Mary Ainsworth) than I will not get into here but from the data collected four different types of patterns emerged which are used to show a pattern of behavior that often seems to continue into adulthood: secure, anxious-avoidant, anxious-resistant, and disorganized.

For me I have come to realize that my pattern could be closest to the pattern of avoidant. I wouldn’t go all the way into an anxious avoidant disorder label but for ease of communication I find the avoidant pattern a close representation of my experiences. Just like all “generalized labels” this isn’t very cut and dry as it plays out in very creative ways for me. Deep inside there is a longing to connect with others and to find love but another part of me wants to push it away or find any excuse to reject the love given. There seems to be a threshold I will reach, especially in romantic relationships, at which point some kind of defense mechanism will kick in and I will self-sabotage the relationship in order to protect my heart. It is the vulnerability I feel in those instances that is probably the most distressing.

Luckily, I am a little more familiar with this defense mechanism these days, but apparently I have not fully removed the pattern. It seems to be centered on the belief that love will not last, that it could be taken away or destroyed at any moment. So there is this strong impulse to sabotage it for at least then it will be on my terms and not blind side me at some unforeseen later date. I had unknowingly done this for many years before I finally caught glimpses of it while dating a woman who would continue to be with me despite how emotionally abusive I was to her.

There is a lot more to this. At that time I was very abusive to myself and so just being around me after a while I would see the person I was dating as an extension of myself and I would start to treat them the same way. But this situation was different. I was really pushing the limits and actually caught myself wondering why she wasn’t going away.

So being aware of this pattern I am able to witness the process a little more. With that being said, I will share that I recently chose to really open up and love someone more. A person I have kept at a distance for some time now. They had wanted to have a romantic relationship with me for a while but I didn’t want to go there because it didn’t feel right. I made all kinds of excuses but yet this person keeps popping into my life and we have a lot in common. So I figured it would be good to let go of my grocery list type mentality of what I want in a woman and participate with what is right in front of me.

No longer wanting to be alone, I decided that I would simply be present with this person and not judge or project into how the future would be with them. Ultimately, to allow myself to be more “vulnerable” to love and see what happens.

I realized after expressing this leap of courage to open my heart more that it was actually still “protected” since this person is now more interested in another man who is in a relationship with someone else. So to break it down, it is a situation where I now want to be with her but she loves some other guy who is in love with someone else. I knew of this other guy prior to my decision to proceed, so for me it is the realization that I had only made that leap of allowing someone to deeply connect and surrender to being with them when I knew they would be less likely to want a long term relationship.

On some level it must have made me feel safe that I did not have to commit to anything. Or perhaps I would now be able to see what happens and who she chooses if this other guy changes his mind. For then I would have put her through a test to see if she really loved me or just the idea of me. This testing of others is also another pattern I am working with balancing. As the testing can become a self-fulfilling prophesy of rejection.

I also wonder if my change of heart might be the result of desperation. Is the slight heartache because I am truly in love with this person or am I simply longing for the love and security I started to reach for. In this reaching, inadvertently scratching at the deep human wound of feeling unloved and abandoned. I know these things are not true in a spiritual sense but we are more than just spiritual beings.

This does not change the sadistic type pattern of finally opening up to a person who really cares about me but not until they had moved on to another. It is a pretty clever pattern to avoid something while believing on some level that “I tried and yet again I got rejected. It wasn’t my fault”. This is a victimization program which I seemed to embrace a lot in the past. Lots of heartache and pain at not finding love. Throwing myself at all the wrong women that on some level I knew would hurt me and sabotaging the relationships that could possible work out.

Well like so many things, I guess time will tell how this plays out. As always the inner work continues while I work to find balance in how that is expressed in the world. To stay present in order to catch and move beyond harmful defense mechanisms, false programming, and victim victimizer patterns.

May you always feel love and security,

Jason