Bullying Energy in the Body

I recently asked for assistance in addressing my fear of intimacy, more specifically, romantic intimacy. I still seem to have a great deal of worry about what will happen in those situations. This goes beyond just mental stress and negative thoughts. It is like a feeling of being trapped or controlled. The paradox is that I often feel even more alone when I am with someone.

In my past I had unconsciously sabotaged relationships. I always kept people at a certain distance especially if it was a romantic one. The few rare cases when I didn’t freak out were when I knew that particular woman I was with wasn’t going to be around for very long. In those cases in true masochistic form I would surrender and be totally open and get crushed. I of course didn’t recognize this pattern for quite some time.

I have come a long way with my emotionally isolating behavior but yet the fear still remains. The strongest aspect of this fear is that I will repeat a pattern of being distant or emotionally reactive to another so as to create space. I can control a lot of it but the energy of the situations often feels overpowering.

In this session or work I was taken back to my childhood. I am 5 years old and there is a boy lying on top of me. It is dark, I am scared and feeling totally powerless. I can’t move at all I am being crushed. I feel like I am dying. Revisiting it I can feel how terrifying it was and how empty I felt. My inner light felt snuffed out. I didn’t remember any of this until this moment.

The boy is telling me I am nothing over and over again or at least that is the core belief that has been implanted in me from the experience. He laughs and I feel dead.

As the man I am today I symbolically pull the bully off of my child self and lift him up. I explain what happened to him and how that won’t happen again. I reassure him and give him what he needs as I totally breakdown crying while saying it. I give him and myself a new message. I clear it from my body and most importantly I remove the energy from my current station of identity. I removed the dark cloak of “you are nothing” from my physical and energetic bodies. With continued work in daily life it will no longer be a location of disempowerment or food for that which feeds on such low negative energy.

I see now how I had carried this traumatic experience in my body my whole life without even knowing. It was a worry and deep fear that at any moment someone was going to come along and take everything from me. They would make me feel like nothing, that I have no power to do anything and that I will die.

I now see it more clearly as a dark heavy energy that kept me from wanting to stand out, to own my gifts and abilities but most of all show my joy for life. I had often felt I had to tone everything down so I wouldn’t make someone jealous or upset. This is what I feel happened with the boy that smothered me and made me feel totally helpless. A feeling I never wanted again so I kept myself small. The interesting thing is that boy, whoever he was, probably has no idea how much that had impacted me. To him I was probably just some kid that annoyed him and so he allowed impulses to direct his behavior.

Scratching at a trauma memory is an opportunity to release the stuck energy in the body and give certain parts of self a different perspective from a place of a more mature awareness.  It is often childhood memories of experiences that can now be viewed differently. In the best case scenario, these situations can be healed from a place of empathy for the person or persons involved.

The key to a successful integration is to have an empowered stance to embody when the pattern reappears. Through the power of conscious awareness (Consciousness, Intent, Focus, Now Moment Presence) the traumatic pattern can be overridden once the energy in the body is released.

In that moment of re-experiencing trauma anything can be implanted in a person. They are there, it is alive and so taking it past that to a place of comfort and empowerment then anchoring that in with a tool such as an affirmation, visualization, feeling in the body, or specific movement will draw that more empowered energy in when the old trigger sets in.

I share these things as a Being who is willing to go to those dark spaces within so as to be better and has helped others do the same. I am grateful to all that assist me in that goal. You know who you are!

I feel I now have a “why” for when I start to freak out in relationships. Even better than the “why” I now have a tool to use in the form of an affirmation. If I remember to be conscious in those moments, it can pull me out of that undesired pattern. “I am safe with my Heart”

May you always feel safe with your Heart,

Jason

 

Dropping In and Balancing Energy

I would like to share a little of how I find balance with some very strong emotions that come up inside of me. How when I take the time and create the space within I can use that specific feeling to find balance not only internally but also with the external environment I am in.

Last week I was hit with an immense feeling of guilt. I felt it so strong and with such persistence that it occupied the bulk of my attention. It was really eating away at me. I felt myself starting to slip into self-abuse and negative thinking patterns but luckily stopped short of all that insanity.

Despite catching the pattern I still felt like I had did something wrong and that something horrible happened or will happen as a result of what I did. (Actually a very common feeling for me as a child).

I for the life of me couldn’t figure out what it was. I replayed the day’s events in my head and came up with a couple of possible things but upon further reflection they really weren’t anything more than judgments based on thinking that I did something wrong. Stuff like burning my clutch a little in my car while leaving an intersection or not taking the time to stop for someone who was nearing a crosswalk.

To get to the root of this very strong persistent feeling I decided to do some deeper work on it rather than just thinking. I sat down to meditate with the intention to clear all guilt, shame and blame.

I just sat there breathing connecting to my higher self, feeling and seeing that energy flowing inside me. I ran a couple affirmations to increase this connection. I calmed my mind and found my neutral center, that safe place inside. Casting out that which didn’t serve me.

I then cleared the energy in my environment of any shame, blame or guilt. I was at someone’s house who I often see battle with this behavior. I will have to ask his permission but was able to do it in that moment with seeing he would say yes when I ask him later (which he did). I was able to clear the energy by finding its polar opposite and bringing a specific flavor of energy in to create a potential balance between the two.

For me to harmonize and clear this environment, I just tap into the opposite energy of Guilt, Shame and Blame, in this case, Love, Acceptance, and Honor. While deeply feeling the emotions that those feelings bring up I can radiate that out into the environment thereby bringing in energy to a space that is weighted too far in the other direction.

This intentional direct manifestation and transmutation of energy isn’t advisable to do to others unless one has permission. Simply holding space can often create the same effect with people or environments where permission to do energy work may not be possible or granted by the owner of the space. With permission more can be done in the environment or with an individual.

After all this clearing/balancing of energy I was able to limit the big factors that may be interfering with my clarity in tapping into my own emotions. When I dropped back in on the guilty feeling inside what came to me was the name and image of a man I know.

The data on this was that I had tried calling him a few days prior on what I thought was his cell phone but got his wife instead at their home. When this happened I was a bit hurried and not really present. My mind was still locked on the idea that this was his cell phone and he must have left it at home. She even said something about how horrible he is about answering his cell phone and that I should talk with him about it which I jokingly agreed.

This all came back to me while meditating so I decided to call and tell him about my miscommunication with his wife. I was concerned that to not tell him may possibly drive a wedge between them since I was agreeing with her about something that never happened but might support some judgment she has about him. Plus, it could come back to me that I was making up stories or not being authentic with my communication.

This may never have been the outcome but I found that when I did call and explain the situation that it brought us closer together.

I am personally amazed by this whole process which has happened for me many other times in the past. I can tap into my subconscious, or my higher self, or some aspect of me that will get me this information and a whole lot more. Perhaps it is a soul aspect since the “feeling” was so strong.

As a side, I will share that there is a deep sadness that comes to me from time to time that I can never fully tap the root cause of. Its level and intensity varies. This deep seemly endless spiral into despair often takes every tool in my possession to pull out of. Sometimes even this doesn’t work and I just trust that the next day I will feel better and it gets me through. And it is always better.

I could only imagine what it would be like if I had learned all this right from childhood when the connections were still fresh. How much easier my life might have been if I was taught emotional intelligence, awareness of internal and external energy and how these subtle vibrations can affect someone like me.

For me it is all about having the ability to navigate and understand internal states. Knowing that these internal states don’t have to define me but instead guide me.

May you always know the intelligence that lives in calm centered balance,
Jason

The Mind, Mental Energy and the Higher Heart

Well I did it. I graduated from college with a bachelor’s degree in psychology.
The enormity of just how relieved and proud of myself I was did not hit me until the day of my graduation ceremony. I woke up with this amazing joy and feeling of excitement. Up until that point I only felt confusion and difficulty knowing what to do next.

The ceremony was a tremendous release for me and a time to show that openly to the world. I allowed myself to shine my light very brightly that day without fear. I had gone through hell at times and came out stronger, more balanced and grounded from the various trials experienced both academically and in other parts of my life during this period of time. Most importantly I saw something through to its completion no matter how uncomfortable I became.

I still have the very logical and realistic concern about what is next which needs to be addressed but for the moment I can breathe deeply again and work to connect to my heart more strongly. I can now let go of so much of the mental energy that has been hard for me to manage and has contributed to my previous health issues. In releasing this burden I trust the next detail of my path will present itself even though my mind/ego laughs at this and wants to make it happen now.

In regard to the nature of mental energy and the mind, I read something recently which really drove home the deeper realization for me of how the mind is really largely outside of us. How a great deal of the mind surrounds the body and is not just in the head. (The mind being separate from soul and spirit but more of a step-down of those aspects in reaching the manifested form known as the brain which directs the functions of the physical vehicle of the body)
I was generally, in the past, more focused on the emotional content of thoughts creating a field of energy but what I am writing about is different from that somehow. Perhaps more related to visualization?

Much of my stress and tension in college came from the difficulty in calming my mind. This dense energy (often looking black in color) created by me and surrounding me was putting extreme pressure on my physical body. This was especially true, as I wrote in an earlier post (The unholy trinity), when my mind fell into the trappings of judgment, negativity and obsession with time.

So now I can give my mind a bit of a break from reading, analyzing and flirting with indoctrination (the regurgitating of information so as to answer a question in the way a professor wants to get a good grade). While getting this period of mental reprieve the path of this blog may change a little.

As I dive more into my heart and share things that speak to me more on that level the information may get much “weirder” and more nebulous. The stories are still episodic memories, the direct result of experience. They are things that I feel on a deep level and define who I am beyond space and time. They are often a paradox to the logical linear mind. The mind is limited in its analysis of things.

To me, mental analysis is the result of examining only a finite number of learned variables. The heart (more specifically the higher heart chakra 8) does not have this limitation which I feel is more connected to soul and spirit. That kind of connection knows all that is.

To help speed up this process of heart connection I have recently revisited a technique told to me long ago. It is mostly a visualization meditation but also incorporates the tai chi standing posture of wu chi and the fuel of emotional content. In it I see and feel a golden energy throughout my body emanating out my hands and into my higher heart chakra located at the top of my chest.

To prepare for this, I run earth and cosmic energy (grounded earth energy flowing up into the body, swirling around in the lower dantian mixed with the cosmic energy flowing down both sides of the spine. Both mixed energies then flowing through the whole body up the spine and out the top of the head pouring all over the external body like a fountain) while standing with my toes pointing forward, legs shoulder width apart, knees slightly bent and feet firmly planted. Shoulders and chest should be relaxed while keeping the spine straight with a slight tuck of the pelvis under so the legs feel heavy. Starting with my arms at my side, I make a large circular motion bringing my hands up above my head into a prayer type position and then pulling them straight down to my chest. I stand like this until I really feel and see the energy flowing through and around my whole body.

The energy continues to flow while I direct some of it out to my hands. When enough is built up I slightly twist my hands from prayer position to a slightly cupped position opening the energy centers in them. I then put them one on top of the other over my 8th charka. I feel and visualize this energy flowing into this important multidimensional energy center while also being aware of my breath.

Usually this charging of my higher heart only takes a few minutes. I work to do this first thing in the morning especially on the days when I feel depressed or just run down. It really helps me get going and assists me in staying balanced around all the people in my life.

Doing this technique really gets me out of my head and helps me move into a more expanded perception. In that space I can more effectively clear my field of unwanted energies. This allows me to interact with others without the possibility of projecting my own specific mood on them or reacting to theirs.

For me, one of the worst things about depression is trying to pretend I am happy so as not to upset others. It has been my experience that people can often take it personal not understanding why I feel like crap.

Being sensitive to energy makes everything a little more difficult, but it also creates the impetus to strive for self-mastery. For me that momentous task is made easier the more strongly I connect to my heart.

May your heart always lead you,
Jason

The Reluctant Energy Vampire

It has been a while since I have posted anything. I have had some very profound shifts and realizations lately much of it occurring around the end of the last year. I was told there was a very powerful event involving Pluto and death at this time. Basically, the removing of all that is no longer of service etc… I don’t get too into astrology, but I do find it helpful and in this case there was definitely something going on. I have been really moving through a lot and have seen great change in others recently as well.

The capstone on my recent realizations was something that happened only last week. I went to a lecture among a small group of people. I was feeling pretty comfortable until a woman came in late and sat down beside me. I at once had a flood of mild anxiety which I was able to sooth. There was nothing abnormal about this response as I am often somewhat guarded or anxious around new people. I was able to catch the reaction and calm my body. I was then aware of thoughts coming into my head around my value and what the person thought of me. This too was mild and I was able to let what aspects I was conscious of go. It would be silly to think I had become totally comfortable and removed all judgmental thoughts in that moment.

After a short time I returned my full attention back to the lecture which I really was interested in. All of a sudden I felt this comfort and relief come over me. I felt a part of me express something like “she approves of me or likes me”. The strength of this surprised me. I realized I had wanted approval from this woman, not so much that I was interested in her but because she was in close proximity to me. I wanted more comfort, comfort coming from outside of myself.

This feeling came in very strongly because, as I realized later when talking with her that she is also seeking outside comfort. I am not sure the extent of what has happened in her life, but by what I could gather from her situation and our brief communication is that she has been through a lot emotionally.

I realized I was putting out energetic tentacles to find comfort. I didn’t do this intentionally and thought I was being stable in my body and energy, but there was a part of me reaching out for comfort to a total stranger.

This can be vampiric when it is done, or even especially when done unconsciously. There is nothing wrong with reaching out to others, but what I realized is that I may be doing this more than I ever knew. If I am not focused on my own physical embodiment and self-sourcing comfort I may be unknowingly trying to feed off of any source outside of myself for that comfort (see my post on “Embodiment” and also “The Unholy Trinity” for more info on this). This can feel extremely uncomfortable to people unless they are in a similar dependent energy state, but even this is temporary.

Some of the most profound wisdom I ever heard which helps explain this is, “We are all mirrors for each other”.

I came to this recent realization because of various people in my life and the interactions I have been having with them lately. There is a whole pattern of me drawing those of like energy who have specific aspects that really irritate or upset me. These irritations or frustrations are pointing to things I myself am doing, otherwise they would not be so upsetting. My first impulse is often to try and change the other person or my environment, but that is impossible to sustain. I am putting that energy out and energy flows in all directions and affects everything. It doesn’t matter if we are conscious of it or not, it will still happen. It seems that even a subtle amount has an effect, but I can’t directly measure how subtle because it is subjective. I imagine it can accumulate, though.

I am grateful for all my mirrors over the years. Those who have shown me what needs more work within and for pointing out my blind spots. I know I am truly responsible for my own comfort and security in the world. When this is achieved it is shared and reciprocated in a balanced way. When this is approached externally through a desperate need to find comfort from fear or insecurities it can become vampiric no matter how Krystic or spiritually advanced I may think I am.

May you see the truth in every mirror,
Jason

Headless

A curious thing has been happening to me lately. I will be reading a text book with some very intense information based on specific techniques and belief systems I really don’t agree with, I start getting really tired, and then begin to drift into that place between being awake and asleep. I recognize it as a powerful meditative state to work from while doing grid work or healing, but because I am going into this state focused on some very mental based concepts with very little soul or spiritual context to them I start to really feel into it more than intended. At this point if I do fall asleep I go into almost a nightmare of trying to figure something out in a mental looping pattern or if I stay awake I catch a glimpse of the harm certain approaches are causing when they ignore key components of healing a person on all levels.

A little back ground is probably in order. I find myself going to college at age 39 studying psychology, something I thought I would enjoy and I do except for the emphases on what seems like mechanistic and reductionist type approaches. I try to stay neutral about this lack of deeper understanding as much as possible but I find it very difficult. It seems even the humanistic and phenomenalistic approaches are being presented either without the deeper understanding or simply from a mental approach. (very little mention if any about transpersonal psychology)

Academia is a very mental environment so it probably wouldn’t surprise too many that I am experiencing a lack of heart connection to it. In fact I had a number of people wonder why I was going into this system. Those who questioned my current path are a few of the many people I know who have been spiritually initiated, finding intelligence and understanding beyond linear mental thought. They have cultivated the ability to experience and trust a deep inner knowing. It takes a great deal of work to reclaim these things I feel we are born with and know as children then slowly lose for various reasons. I see how the school system is responsible for a lot of that being lost.

I do not disagree that the scientific method is important but when it becomes a religion which deviates from its true tenets by ignoring variables and minimizing important factors that have yet to be quantified it is detrimental to the human soul and spirit. It disconnects us from everything we are and creates headless beings, which is ironic for these people often live in their head.

I saw this while starting to drift into sleep state the other day while reading about desensitization and exposure therapy. I feel these cognitive-behavioral techniques do help people and they are great, but when they are carried out without addressing the deeper cause of these fears and phobias from a multidimensional level of understanding it further disconnects a person.

I saw people utilizing these techniques as having no head. I also get this was a soul disconnection. It doesn’t mean they will stay like this because I feel we have a lot of help to snap us out of that, but that these techniques and their singular focus was facilitating this effect much faster than would normally be experienced. Again it is a matter of balance.

Cognitive behavioral techniques are great but the soul (emotions/deep feeling) and the spirit (higher self/monad) need to be included. I have learned I can’t use my mind to overpower everything, at least not for very long. Deeper feeling and intuitive thought is needed even though it does not seem rational and requires faith. These subtle intelligences can be empirically tested based on outcome. This is rarely possible when needing to prove it to someone else. It is self-evident to the individual and represents their inner truth and knowing.

It often seems weird for me to have put so much work into activating these gifts and abilities we all have to see and feel what is beyond the surface of this world then to go dive into a very dense mental based system. I have had great difficulty with it for it is hard to unlearn what you know to be true, what I have experienced numerous times as a reality. I do not doubt these past experiences for I doubted them previously for much of my life (actually told to doubt them). I now see clearly where that doubt came from and how easy it is to creep back in when I am surrounded by those who have chosen to live in their heads. Many believe this is what we are, simply thinking beings.

Soon people will realize that the techniques being used will not have the lasting results expected. This will necessitate a deep inner search for meaning behind the fears and phobias. Through this search that part of self will be found that was forgotten. The aspect of self that has been traumatized needs to be reclaimed and healed in order to find lasting positive effects from behavioral-cognitive techniques. Without this awareness I see the techniques as further traumatizing that wounded part of self.

This awareness and reclaiming parts of self can be done through meditation and intention. For me it happens when I can calm my linear mind and be receptive to what comes to me in that state after setting a specific intention for that meditation. Sometimes it comes right away, other times it takes like 30 minutes to get there, and still other times I get nothing and have to try again later. I have done this on my own and been assisted by other healers. When the timing is right it happens but it cannot be forced by my ego desire or linear mind.

It is about going back to points in time when I was overwhelmed and left a part of myself there from all the tension. I can communicate with that part and heal it with the current perspective and awareness of why that happened. If not knowing the “why” I can still work to find peace with that experience and hear what that part of myself wishes to express. This is possible with other lives as well.

So even though it is difficult for me to be studying techniques that are trying to overpower or ignore what I feel is needed for deep healing, I do find much of the information I am learning helpful. It just isn’t complete no matter how much evidence based research suggests it is.

I know I am not the only one going into these education systems to witness what is happening and I do see energetic/spiritual knowledge slowly working its way into the field of psychology. I know deep down it is only a matter of time until a more conscious, holistic understanding is established.

May you know all parts of self,
Jason

Embodiment

It has been almost exactly 3 years since I moved to the Big Island of Hawaii. I have had many new experiences here and a lot of growth. Probably the most common theme for my time here is that of learning to be fully present in my body. To really feel and experience what that is like. Not only that but to use the body consciously, being aware of how it is moving and how my energy is running through it.

In the past I often tried to escape this feeling. I used various external substances and distractions. Even meditation was a way to escape. During the times when these things were not possible I tried to hide within myself, pulling my energy in. This shrinking away was reflected in my posture and mannerisms.

I read recently that it is believed in evolutionary terms that the reptilian aspect of the body originated from some form of turtle. I will not attempt to venture the truth of this, but I can say that is definitely the way my body seemed to act especially when I was a kid. It was if I was wishing I had a shell to sink back into. I did wind up creating some energetic ones in how I emotionally tried to protect myself back then. To this day I am still working on tearing down the various levels of these barriers to my experiencing deeper relationships and my environment.

There is a very strong warrior energy here in Hawaii. This feels especially strong on the less developed and volcanically active Big Island. This island has been referred to as the root chakra of the islands. There is also an obvious connection to Lemuria or Mu, the ancient civilization once here or perhaps, a better description would be, existing in another dimension in this same space. This ancient culture was said to be very much about the physical body aspects of experience as compared to Atlantis which I would consider more focused on the experience of mental power.

Personally, I feel the energy of this island as very powerful and raw. Strong but yet fluid like a wave. This energy is so strong that even the most disconnected person can’t help but be affected by it. For me sometimes it can feel like too much to process.

While here I was very dedicated to training in Tai Chi for almost 2 years. I learned very quickly that with all my amazing experiences and abilities with subtle energy from hundreds of hours of meditating that I wasn’t able to manifest it physically. Like many others that I saw come to this class that spent a great deal of time meditating, I had my reality and ego shattered by this. We used all our focus and intention, relaxing, breathing and feeling our energy but it did not work. I was very confused as to why I could not move my energy outside my body strong enough to do the things my teacher could do or at least not let him knock me over so easy.

I was able to have all kinds of amazing experiences on the inner planes. Many of these experiences were physically confirmed enough to convince me of their accuracy. I felt it was just a matter of being focused and or letting go enough to allow my higher-self to direct these things. I truly believed there was no limit to human potential when achieving high states of frequency in meditation. It was just a matter of more practice. I saw how when these things were not possible for me to manifest no matter how much time I put into them that I was in maya or illusion. Not so much because of my inner experiences but because I was trying to force them into this reality and level of density. It was as if I needed these experiences to be real. I needed to bring them to this plane so as to have more reassurance of who I am.

These inner experiences may be very real but simply unable to manifest onto the earth plane at this time. Maybe I just need much more practice and discipline, but the point is that I had to let go and be flexible with these things. To believe if I choose to but also acknowledge it may not be totally accurate for the 3D level. Perhaps there was some ego involved as I saw a couple people come to class that I could feel how good they were at meditation and holding a calm focused energy but I could also feel a high level of astral delusion. Basically, that they spent a lot of time blissing out in the astral plane and were not very grounded. These people become extremely frustrated and would not stay in class very long. I was basically considered one of these people by my teacher, not that he believed in such things that I know to be real experientially, but he saw the pattern of how those who were really into spirituality and meditation would not stay very long. He often would tell me “well, at least you stay and keep trying” He saw how a lot of this group had a hard time letting go of their need for subtle energy ability to be manifested quickly in something very grounded such as Tai Chi. There is a great deal of physical mechanics involved which requires being very present in the body.

I had to embody all of who I am energetically in a very physical way. I had to refine it, to understand the mechanisms of balance not only emotionally, energetically, and mentally but also how that all plays out in my body. Being able to move the body and be at peace with it when it did not respond the way I envisioned or intended.

Perhaps it could be called body awareness, but I feel it is beyond that. It is being fully integrated on every level, moving as one in a calm, relaxed and focused manner. Holding while letting go, moving forward while going backward, and expanding while contracting. Being able to do all these things simultaneously both energetically and physically. Tai Chi is like one of the best physical examples of how all great truths are a paradox. They do not make sense to the logical linear mind but yet they are undeniably true when empirically tested or simply observed.

When I stand against a wall and push something my back is pushed against the wall as well. So to push, without force, I expand both forward and backward to be more effective. It is opposite of how I normally push things. I would just push forward harder until I was off balance. I would not think to have energy going behind me or rooting into the earth while pushing forward. My mind would get carried away and send me out beyond my point of balance, so eager to win. I would rely on my arms and shoulders rather than use my whole body for efficiency. Even something as simple as standing, I was locking my knees to hold my spine straight putting a strain on my back and neck. My teacher would often say to this that “the abnormal has become normal.”

I am still working on moving the body as one in a calm and focused manner. I have had a number of small glimpses of what is possible when this is achieved both in myself and others. I was really able to witness the strength of it in a gentleman that visited from China. This man was so good at push hands (like sparring but totally different, it is almost like fighting your own bad habits of forcing things. Probably better described as a dance of connected energy between two people who just follow each other) he could move you with just a slight touch. In fact, there are those who can even do this from a distance but I have yet to experience it.

What I experienced with this man from China was that he was able to feel into my energy and body, discover a point of imbalance and gently push it. But this is where it becomes harder to grasp, he goes around and under it like water. It is circular, as everything in tai chi is a circle, and if I tried to adjust he used that to gently push me over. I did an experiment with this by really strengthening the shielding of my energy with the 12d shield technique, which did make it a little more difficult for him. I could see on his face he was really digging trying to find that point of imbalance.

A lot of this ability has to do with rooting ones energy which I thought I was doing in meditation but realized I had to increase the visualization and go deeper. I had to incorporate how my body was positioned and how the energy was dispersed within it. I had to go beyond simply thinking, feeling, and intending. I had to embody all aspects all at once, feeling everything while being relaxed.

Realizing all this I had a new level of awareness in what embodiment is. There are many levels to embodiment but in this situation I am just describing being more energetically present, balanced, and connected at every moment. Something I have to constantly remind myself to come back to.

Embodiment goes even further as it is also about expanding ones energy which includes posture. This for me this is tied into being seen and noticed. I have been working to correct my old conditioned posture of fear, which is the rolled forward shoulders and head down position like the turtle I mentioned earlier. This is used in tai chi slightly but mine was much more accentuated when under stress.

In true polarity integrator form I was also exposed to a very specific yoga technique called YogAlign here in Hawaii. This body posture strengthening technique is very much about standing tall with chest out, shoulders back. This was frowned upon in tai chi as having shoulders too far back and chest too high is believed to throw off balance, especially when first learning. Here I had two very different ideologies in what is proper posture that I had to find balance with.

Just like the tai chi, YogAlign did help my back and even more than the tai chi it helped my stiff shoulders. When I stood tall with my shoulders back I felt stronger and more confident but I had to balance this very outward posture by keeping my energy humble and not challenging. To be confident not arrogant with how I was carrying myself. Bit hard to explain I guess.

I was able to find a balance between the two disciplines. I am no longer taking Tai Chi classes but still do the yang long form once in a while. I was putting too much stress on myself to master it. I just could not let go. I also had that digestive thing I wrote about before along with all the university studies stress that left me wiped out.

Anyone who has done tai chi for an extended period of time will tell you there is a lot to focus on but yet still be calm and relaxed. For a perfectionist like me it was just too stressful. I realized it would take me a whole lifetime to accomplish what I wanted. I will one day start it up again but for now I have too many other things going on that I cannot give it the time it requires. I do attend a kung fu class once a week that I really enjoy because of how conscious the teacher is and there really isn’t much pressure to improve which allows me to do so much quicker.

All these techniques have helped me learn about being in my body. When I remember, I am able to feel the connection to it in every moment while moving. While meditating I used to just let go of all the feeling sensations in my body in order to go very deep and connect to my higher self. The same was true of all the thoughts in my sometimes wild beast of a mind. I would let go of everything so I could connect to the intuitive intelligence beyond the linear mind. Now I have had to learn to use my body and mind while staying connected to my infinite energetic self. I am working to deal with the little pains in the body and the dissonance often experienced when striving to have everything connected. This often brings up a lot of anger and frustration. So I have to remember to be kind to myself and not allow my anger to intensely force my body to do what my ego wills.

Another experience I have had in Hawaii in relation to physical embodiment is getting a massage. Sure I have had ones before but not by a professional. In fact my first real one was a lomi lomi message. This is an ancient Hawaiian technique that has a very powerful energetic aspect to it which must be experienced to truly understand.

Speaking of embodiment, the woman I got the massage from wasn’t of Hawaiian blood but she has spent a lot of time here on the islands and learned the technique in a very traditional way over a period of years. She has a deep connection to the culture, people, and land. You can really feel that energy coming from her. I have noticed this in others who are very connected to the islands but are not Hawaiian or born/raised here. They seem to embody the Hawaiian spirit; after all I strongly know we have all had other lifetimes other than this one. I am only aware of one that I had here and I would not consider it very pleasant so perhaps that is why I do not fully resonate with this place. I like it and it is beautiful but my heart is drawn to the Greek islands for whatever reason. Perhaps one day I will go there and experience the why of that.

I now get massages from time to time which really does help and is like a form of self-love. I was really abusive to my body in the past and I saw massages as an expensive self-indulgence. I now try to take better care of myself and allow for getting a massage without feeling guilty or unmanly about it.

Much of my frustration with life lands in my body so doing all these things helps me stay connected and healthy in a vehicle that I need to navigate this reality. I now honor and acknowledge the body as in my experiences it is part of me but yet has a separate intelligence and needs care. I am reminded of hearing numerous times that the body is like your child self. Like a child it requires care and protection from possible abuse. I work to stay within it even when things get unpleasant. I strive to be a compassionate master of it using it to its optimum capacity without pushing it too far. I choose to be in my body, listening, and loving it even when it doesn’t always do what I want.

May you love and be fully functional in your body,
Jason

The Unholy Trinity

Did I get your attention? I know it is a bit dramatic but for me I see three energies to be the most powerful forces that can affect my health and well-being when they are taken to an extreme or better yet just allowed to run. By run I mean like an unconscious program or conditioned response to various stimuli. These three things are negativity, judgment, and time.
I do not see these things as inherently bad but when taken to an extreme they are very detrimental in my life. It is like they build up and run inside of me affecting all my interactions in all environments. I find it very hard to slow my mind down and become present. There is a constant feeling of needing to project into the future, to anticipate, and plan. There is restlessness and a strong desire to use distractions to control these patterns (really the distractions only seem to temporarily lessen the awareness). The thought of meditation to get centered during the cascade of these energies sounds extremely unpleasant and often is extremely difficult. Before experiencing this current amped up mental body condition, meditation felt very peaceful and I looked forward to it. You could basically call this all stress but for me I find it important to pinpoint the specific energies which help create this state of being or better yet state of non-being.
I noticed this intensity build up again now that summer break is over and I am back taking classes at the university. I see how so much of what I experience there triggers these energies to be expressed in me and how hard it is to stop. The biggest two in this situation are judgment and time. (Negativity is often combined with the judgment). It is always better to discern information but I find in my case since I am immersed in a field of information that can be very singly focused without much higher consciousness in the material, at least not being taught where I am, that it is hard for me not to begin judging things. To continually hear beliefs that rattle the very core of me as being unhealthy and self-limiting really upset me. I feel as if I am back in time and have knowledge of all these amazing things but very few around me seem able to grasp the concepts. There are so many variables not being taken into account when doing psychological research that huge issues are being totally ignored. Many know they are doing this for ease of discovery and discussion but the folly I am seeing is those that don’t realize it and have become dogmatic and a bit arrogant in their assumptions. One of the biggest is that human beings can be studied objectively. Nothing can be studied objectively in this reality, especially multidimensional beings. The double slit experiment in quantum physics has taught us this. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try but hopefully stay aware of the potential for unknown variables. The field of anthropology has come a long way in understanding this reality but psychology is not there yet and will probably not get there for some time especially since so much focus is now being placed on research in the field cognitive neuroscience. I feel this is a great pursuit and enjoy the material but not when it is believed to explain the entirety of a human being, ignoring the complexity of how the soul and spirit interact with this reality through the physical body. It is like understanding how your car works but there still needs to be a driver of the vehicle.
Another big disconnect is the total ignorance of indigenous cultures and their knowledge. How beliefs and practices are dismissed as total lunacy or simply as “primitive” thinking. We all started out with this knowledge even the Europeans who are just a little longer removed from it. There are common themes among all nature based ancient cultures which are important for human health and well-being. One of the most important in my opinion is the acknowledgement of the unseen, that which is strongly internally felt and requires the ability to actually be present with an environment. People who have this sensitivity are not dysfunctional, or schizophrenic. There are even children who have been given this negative label of schizophrenia. There are extreme cases for sure but I feel many are being diagnosed based on a misunderstanding of their high sensitivity to subtle energy. They are able to see and hear what many ignore or are afraid to admit they themselves have experienced.
So much of this post probably feels like a negative rant but I felt these things needed to be expressed at least for my own mental health. I realize I am where I am and learning these things for a reason. Perhaps I just need more patience while jumping through these hoops but I can’t ignore all the potential available to help people by combining this knowledge. I am anxious to get into more applied applications, to find someone in academia that is incorporating anthropology, psychology, biology, epigenetics, quantum physics, and shamanism into this field. Maybe I will have to be the one to do it someday.
So getting back to my unholy trinity, I focus on the time aspect to keep it in check. To really set the intention to be present with whatever I do and not deviate too much. Basically it comes down to discipline. I do my assignments and use all my mental body to read and analyze but then I set aside a chunk of time to meditate every day, working to turn everything off during that chunk of time. The meditation of letting go of all thoughts calms the storm inside me. The rest of the day I work on mindfulness meditation while interacting with the world. Every time I remember I check in, breathe, and let go of whatever thought or energy I am carrying inside me so it does not build up and put me on some kind of panic driven overstimulated pattern. By focusing on being present I can catch the negativity and judgment before it creates all that tension in my body. I also find it important recently to stop and listen to what I am feeling and not just dismiss what is going on inside. In the past I was ignoring a lot of this because I felt like I didn’t have enough time and just plowing through things which left me stressed out and frustrated. Not only that but it seemed to disconnect me from my true self/higher self-connection. This connection is where real intelligence is, the ability to discern extremely large amounts of variables and information to come to a deeply felt truth. It is hard to navigate the current education system with intuitive thought or maybe it isn’t but it is hard to communicate it to those who live there. So I will need to work to gain mastery of my mental body to thrive in the university system but always remain strongly connected to my true sense of intelligence and power. Maybe someday when the time is right the realm of subtle energy can be empirically proven and accepted within academia as a major component in human health and well-being.

May you always find your center during a mental storm,
Jason