This topic is rather hard to approach as it is so multifaceted. It originates, at least in how it relates strongly to this life, to an experience I had as a small child. Something I wasn’t able to consciously remember the details of until just a couple of years ago.
I have this irritation with being seen by people. Being watched makes me feel judged and I often feel like some voiced judgment or negative event is going to happen as the result of it. It goes even deeper for I have come to realize that my greatest fear is to be seen, while my greatest joy is also to be seen. This torturous paradox has been tearing me apart most of my life. I have had many ways of coping with this over the years but I now find myself in a space where those ways are no longer possible. I must stand in who I am unafraid if I am to regain my health. I have been fighting this fear for so long and so much pressure has been put on me to change that my lack of doing so probably helped create a stress related digestive condition. It is rather fitting that all my life I have had to battle the parasitic infections within the human brain but now apparently I must finally overcome all by addressing the issues of the enteric system, what has been referred to as the second brain. To not do this would seem to mean my undoing or at least a continued existence of feeling like I am 100 years old.
I am getting better with this fear because I can catch the thoughts and body sensations associated with it. Much of this is probably related to my childhood where I was often criticized in the hopes that it would guide me and I would learn. This was not a very effective form of education for me. It created what I considered an armageddon energy around me when I was older. I was always expecting some huge calamity to befall me, so much so that that I would welcome it on a global scale so that at least then I would be able to have something tangible to work with rather than just a general fear all the time. I did well in intense situations that required immediate action to avoid danger. It was the ordinary day to day social interactions that I feared as those were very confusing to me. I was unsure how to act in many situations until I got older and had many trial and error type experiences.
So being seen represented judgment to me, if not by another then by myself in how I was acting or how an interaction went with someone. I had to be perfect, never knowing what that would look like or the fact that it is impossible to be that. It was a very confusing time as I had very little control over my thoughts much of my life. Ultimately I would realize that the vast majority of those thoughts were not mine anyway. I could really punish myself and then be overwhelmed later with too much self-monitoring when trying to communicate with others.
What strikes me as odd and the reason I am writing about this is because I still feel this irritation with being seen, even by those that are close to me. I let go of it but often it almost turns into a rage inside me. For instance, doing tai chi or meditating in front or around people I really have to let go and just not care what others think otherwise I get nervous or angry. Perhaps this is a catalyst for self-mastery, to continuously be impulsed in negative ways in order to overcome them; to strengthen personal focus and fortitude. Like tempering the steel of a sword in a fire bending and folding it many times until the proper form and strength is achieved.
One reason I am very aware of this irritation and fear is because of all the energetic parasites that are present on this planet. They can see us starseeds (or anyone who has achieved a level of conscious awareness of who they truly are and of subtle energies all around them) which is what happened when I was very young. I do not have direct knowing of this through my own process, I had assistance but I do remember something happening at a day care I stayed at very briefly when I was probably 5 years old. I remember an old man in a wheel chair who was in a lot of pain sitting in a room watching TV all the time. Something happened that scared me and confused me so strongly that I was forever changed that day. I was seen.
Something attached to this man, feeding off of him, saw me. Saw what I was (apparently they can see and read our colors or auras). It attacked me and I was told my guidance teams placed a shield of energy around me after that time to cloak me and prevent any abduction or tracking. It is interesting that I only went to that daycare very briefly according to my parents and we moved after less than one year. I do not feel there was any sexual abuse or anything like that. The man just had something very powerful on him that recognized me and my happy care free play on this planet ended. I had my first experience with the vampiric energies that few choose to talk about or acknowledge, which I can understand in order not to give it too much power but by ignoring it they are free to do as they please. Now that I am older I can protect myself from this stuff by being in my center and claiming my energy, mind, and bodies as my own but as a child I did not have this. I was wide open until this experience.
That shielding or wall that was placed around me came down many years later through various experiences and I had to learn to stand tall and face these hidden things within and around me. This is an ongoing process which has become much easier due to all the supportive energies that are now available on the planet at this time. These parasites can be removed and cleared from ourselves and others if willing to look at why they are there and how they are able to be attached. In my case this happens when I am not being mindful of the thoughts in my head or I am not maintaining my spiritual practices regularly. But again I feel this is the tempering of personal energy in the hopes that one day this game will end and the sword of self will be whole and complete.
So I see the purpose in these things but I feel it is an unfair playing field not to know these energetic parasites exist. So I seem to continue to speak of them until the day all are aware and can work to break free of the invisible bonds.
May all be free from the many different forms of parasites,