Being Seen

This topic is rather hard to approach as it is so multifaceted. It originates, at least in how it relates strongly to this life, to an experience I had as a small child. Something I wasn’t able to consciously remember the details of until just a couple of years ago.

I have this irritation with being seen by people. Being watched makes me feel judged and I often feel like some voiced judgment or negative event is going to happen as the result of it. It goes even deeper for I have come to realize that my greatest fear is to be seen, while my greatest joy is also to be seen. This torturous paradox has been tearing me apart most of my life. I have had many ways of coping with this over the years but I now find myself in a space where those ways are no longer possible. I must stand in who I am unafraid if I am to regain my health. I have been fighting this fear for so long and so much pressure has been put on me to change that my lack of doing so probably helped create a stress related digestive condition. It is rather fitting that all my life I have had to battle the parasitic infections within the human brain but now apparently I must finally overcome all by addressing the issues of the enteric system, what has been referred to as the second brain. To not do this would seem to mean my undoing or at least a continued existence of feeling like I am 100 years old.

I am getting better with this fear because I can catch the thoughts and body sensations associated with it. Much of this is probably related to my childhood where I was often criticized in the hopes that it would guide me and I would learn. This was not a very effective form of education for me. It created what I considered an armageddon energy around me when I was older. I was always expecting some huge calamity to befall me, so much so that that I would welcome it on a global scale so that at least then I would be able to have something tangible to work with rather than just a general fear all the time. I did well in intense situations that required immediate action to avoid danger. It was the ordinary day to day social interactions that I feared as those were very confusing to me. I was unsure how to act in many situations until I got older and had many trial and error type experiences.

So being seen represented judgment to me, if not by another then by myself in how I was acting or how an interaction went with someone. I had to be perfect, never knowing what that would look like or the fact that it is impossible to be that. It was a very confusing time as I had very little control over my thoughts much of my life. Ultimately I would realize that the vast majority of those thoughts were not mine anyway. I could really punish myself and then be overwhelmed later with too much self-monitoring when trying to communicate with others.

What strikes me as odd and the reason I am writing about this is because I still feel this irritation with being seen, even by those that are close to me. I let go of it but often it almost turns into a rage inside me. For instance, doing tai chi or meditating in front or around people I really have to let go and just not care what others think otherwise I get nervous or angry. Perhaps this is a catalyst for self-mastery, to continuously be impulsed in negative ways in order to overcome them; to strengthen personal focus and fortitude. Like tempering the steel of a sword in a fire bending and folding it many times until the proper form and strength is achieved.

One reason I am very aware of this irritation and fear is because of all the energetic parasites that are present on this planet. They can see us starseeds (or anyone who has achieved a level of conscious awareness of who they truly are and of subtle energies all around them) which is what happened when I was very young. I do not have direct knowing of this through my own process, I had assistance but I do remember something happening at a day care I stayed at very briefly when I was probably 5 years old. I remember an old man in a wheel chair who was in a lot of pain sitting in a room watching TV all the time. Something happened that scared me and confused me so strongly that I was forever changed that day. I was seen.

Something attached to this man, feeding off of him, saw me. Saw what I was (apparently they can see and read our colors or auras). It attacked me and I was told my guidance teams placed a shield of energy around me after that time to cloak me and prevent any abduction or tracking. It is interesting that I only went to that daycare very briefly according to my parents and we moved after less than one year. I do not feel there was any sexual abuse or anything like that. The man just had something very powerful on him that recognized me and my happy care free play on this planet ended. I had my first experience with the vampiric energies that few choose to talk about or acknowledge, which I can understand in order not to give it too much power but by ignoring it they are free to do as they please. Now that I am older I can protect myself from this stuff by being in my center and claiming my energy, mind, and bodies as my own but as a child I did not have this. I was wide open until this experience.

That shielding or wall that was placed around me came down many years later through various experiences and I had to learn to stand tall and face these hidden things within and around me. This is an ongoing process which has become much easier due to all the supportive energies that are now available on the planet at this time. These parasites can be removed and cleared from ourselves and others if willing to look at why they are there and how they are able to be attached. In my case this happens when I am not being mindful of the thoughts in my head or I am not maintaining my spiritual practices regularly. But again I feel this is the tempering of personal energy in the hopes that one day this game will end and the sword of self will be whole and complete.

So I see the purpose in these things but I feel it is an unfair playing field not to know these energetic parasites exist. So I seem to continue to speak of them until the day all are aware and can work to break free of the invisible bonds.

May all be free from the many different forms of parasites,
Jason

The Fighter Pilot

When I was 12 or 14 I was convinced I wanted to be a fighter pilot. It was all I talked about. Being an air force fighter pilot seemed like the coolest job imaginable. Even to this day I would love to have followed this course which I came to find not long ago that I actually did.

Becoming a pilot was all laid out for me. My father had been in the air force for a short time and would share his many stories of all he had seen and heard there, like how the fighter pilots would take those brave enough up for “joy rides” and twist and turn their insides so hard that they would beg them to land and proceed to throw up everywhere. Well, that totally convinced me. I loved the idea of pushing the limits and seeing if my mind could override any effects on my body. I had the intelligence and the grades in school to do it. I planned on getting my pilots license when I turned 16 to help my chances of getting into the air force academy when I graduated high school. I had all the information and applications ready. My parents were very supportive and encouraging but there was one thing that held me back. There was something about me that even to this day sabotages my endeavors, an insecurity that is really silly but none the less it is a strong enough phobia that I decided not to become a pilot. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be in this lifetime; perhaps this phobia was a way to keep me out of the military since I had been in there in so many other lifetimes. Perhaps this life needed to be different for some reason.

What I wasn’t expecting is when many years later I would go to a galactic shaman for a healing session who would share that he saw me as a fighter pilot. He knew very little about me and I had long ago quit talking about these things as I held some resentment about giving up on such a strong dream and passion. But this man saw me as a pilot feeling it as I walked through the door upon first meeting him. During the session he would see that part of me in another timeline flying a fighter jet in which I was being shot down and about to die. Right before this was to happen a negative energetic being was about to snatch my energy body, not my physical body but essentially my soul. The shaman was able to stop that or I guess I should say we were able to as it was a coming together of my many energetic parts of self, other helpful beings, and the shaman who all collectively made this soul retrieval possible. So I still died in that lifetime but my soul or part of my energetic self existing on that separate timeline was saved from enslavement by a negative alien being. This would essentially be a recollection or consolidating of my energy that would have most likely been used to power or feed some harmful negative agenda.

This all may be a bit hard to follow as it is not easy to explain but the point being I had confirmation that in an alternate reality I did actually become a pilot and that this lifetime, which I often felt regret over, actually facilitated the saving of that part of self which would have most likely been trapped by this being because of some kind of fake contract or lack of spiritual awareness in that station of identity. This gave me great comfort and made me feel that perhaps this current station of identity is much more important than I thought it was. That great work is being done by simply navigating this world with a higher awareness and going where I am guided, being of service to myself and others, doing things that may seem very unimportant but with conscious awareness and intention is affecting great change, not only on this timeline or dimension but on many others.

I still would have loved to have been a fighter pilot in this lifetime. I constantly crave adrenaline and excitement but I know I would have been an extremely different person. I would not have had all the amazing experiences and interactions I had over the years. I highly doubt I would have studied all the metaphysics info and been so open to these very fringe beliefs. All the pain and confusion on this path has led me here and over the years I have experienced enough confirmations to trust these things.

I no longer regret giving up on my dream knowing that it existed and happened anyway.

May you always know how powerful you truly are,

Jason

Choosing the Light

I remember at around age eleven I made the decision to change how the world saw me. I realized that my smile and happy nature made me a target for some reason. I drew the conclusion that I needed to start frowning more and not allow others to see me being happy for no reason. I found that if I looked angry or upset, people would leave me alone. This pattern would continue for a long time. I would become more and more concerned with how people viewed me as I progressed through school. I was gaining a reputation as a brain in middle school and quickly changed that by studying less and pretending I didn’t know the answers to questions in class. I remember making an effort to limit my vocabulary so as not to seem too uppity. I tried to sound tough by complaining about things and hung out with the people who were like the class clowns. I embraced the stereotypes of what a man was supposed to be according to mainstream beliefs. I became this contradiction trying to be something I am not, some kind of tough guy who doesn’t care about anything or anyone. I idolized those ruthless people who seemed to get what they wanted by just being assholes without any empathy. In my heart I knew this was wrong but I saw this was how the world worked. Later, I would act in these ways and was often surprised that people would get upset when I would express something that I saw on a daily basis. Like some tendency people had or way of doing something that no one wanted to acknowledge. My mistake was that I didn’t try to hide it or sugarcoat it. I saw how people and world leaders would say one thing then do the other. It was very confusing to me. I was just saying it like it was but people couldn’t handle it. They must have been pretending it didn’t exist. They wanted to think the horrible things people were doing behind closed doors wasn’t really happening.

I took comfort in darkness; dark thoughts, angry music and violent media. I tried to subscribe to this idea of the man’s man who was strong and ruthless and nobody messed with. It was total bullshit because that is not who I am but I was able to fake it to some degree for a long time. It did seem to isolate me more but eventually this was no longer desirable. I had picked up and embraced some very negative views about people and the world and was always quick to express it. I still had fun and was a happy drunk through most of my twenties but I used that darkness as a way to isolate myself when someone got too close or if I was nervous about being in certain environments. As you can imagine I collected a lot of entities and dark energy around me. I was comfortable with it even though I was often miserable and alone. The darkness made me feel safe. I felt that it protected me and that the stuff around me were my friends but the truth was they would drop me the first chance they got. The dark has no loyalty, once you are no longer of any use they leave you holding the bag.

I share all this to convey why it was hard for me to choose between the dark and the light. I saw the light as being weak and lame. I was scared to shine my light for fear of attack and inhalation. I identified with past lives that were very violent because they made me feel powerful in a current life that was full of fear and confusion. I couldn’t understand why I was unable to be that way in this life. I didn’t want to hurt anyone but I wanted to be in more control of my emotions and actions to be able to play the game and get what I wanted. People would say you can be a good man and do that but that wasn’t what I saw in my youth. I saw people pretending to be good but did some really fucked up things to get ahead monetarily. My inner being or cellular structure wouldn’t let me do that. My body just wouldn’t stay calm in those times of being aggressive and manipulative unless I was drinking or something. I had an inner rage and desire in one part of myself but the other part always stopped it or created dissonance. I wasn’t allowed to act in the same ways as I did in some of my past lives, no matter how much I wanted to.
I finally made the choice to embrace my true nature and chose the light in one powerful moment. This was while I was in Arizona studying metaphysics and really working to get rid of my negativity and bad habits. I still had an interest in the dark and took comfort in that but was trying to find more balance with how I interacted with the world. I was reading a book about Crowley around that time and one day decided to meditate after smoking some weed. I had never attempted to meditate on any drug before. I always kept these two things separate but for some reason I didn’t this time perhaps because I wanted to see why I felt so anxious while on it.

I close my eyes and I feel all this darkness around me. I am being pulled down by all these demon like things. I realized right then and there that I didn’t want this anymore. That I was just being used and fed off of. So I sat up straighter than I ever thought possible trying with every ounce of sensory ability to connect to that light I had felt in the past. Finally there it was I choose it and let go of any temporary comfort or fake power support from the dark energy.

This of course doesn’t mean I am all light in fact it is always a balancing act for me as if there are two or three me’s battling it out inside but I chose my ultimate guide to be my true self aligned to the Law of One and the light of God Source, to embrace that part of myself that I was so afraid of. To have the courage to shine more of my light in a world that I felt was very hostile to that energy. Luckily, this hostility has lessened over the years which have made things much easier but there is still the old experience of ridicule and attack. I must let go of these experiences and own who I am. To stand in my truth and express all parts of myself without fear.

May you always experience inner balance and courageous self-expression,
Jason

Energetic Overlay

A couple of years ago I experienced something that really scared the hell out of me and left me feeling very confused. Luckily, I had friends to call that were familiar with this type of thing and were able to calm me down and explain what I had seen.

I was still living in Phoenix, Arizona at the time and was working on getting out and meeting new people. I decided to check out this full moon meditation that I was invited to earlier that week. Normally I didn’t go to these kinds of things because some of the people I meet at them are a little too far out there (not very grounded) even for me.

It was very synchronistic how I met the woman at the community college that invited me to this event. We just started talking about a creative writing class she was starting and wound up on the topic of spirituality and metaphysics. I had deviated from my normal route to class that day for some reason and took this encounter and invitation to this event as guidance wanting me to be there for some reason. Well, reflecting on that I would definitely agree that there was something there for me to experience. It was not anything I expected or hoped for but it did leave a lasting impression and further changed how I viewed the world.

So I go to this event during a full moon at a local metaphysical book store. I was used to this environment and felt comfortable there even though as usual I was the only male out of around 10 people. But I am used to this and it really doesn’t bother me too much, unless others keep drawing attention to it which gets annoying. But anyway, I meet the woman who invited me and she introduces me to the person leading the meditation. She is very nice and pleasant of course but something feels off to me. I sometimes get nervous around new people so I just attribute it to that and let it go. We all gather around sitting in a circle with the lights dimmed. The woman leading the group begins to talk about various things. The information is very familiar to me as I had read and studied a great many books by this time but again there is this feeling of something being off. She keeps talking about relying on the instinctual body for guidance and saying other things that were red flags to me as being a way to misguide others. She was placing a very strong emphasis on astrology which of course is a factor in the equation of life here but not something that absolutely defines ones path and if it does few could understand that complexity to accurately translate it. I feel there is free will choice in how we work with these energies and influences. So basically what I noticed is she seems to be intentionally misleading these people giving them 90% truth and 10% distorted information or lack of information in order to create some kind of dependence on her. All the people in the group just keep nodding and saying “Yes, Yes” to everything she says except one woman who is constantly coughing. This coughing annoys the woman speaking and I can feel this anger in her. She doesn’t check on this woman or ask someone to get her water or anything. I find this odd but perhaps this person often does this or something. I am not sure, but I can’t keep my mouth shut about what she is saying any longer and politely start asking her questions in order to present alternative to what she is saying, she answers them but I can tell she is getting even more irritated by this. There was a lot of ego there, an attitude of; no, no this is how it is, you are young. So I start to get a little irritated with this woman’s lack of awareness in what she was preaching and start asking tougher questions. I do not recall what they were now but it really starts making her angry although on the surface everything seems calm and relaxed about her. I remember thinking this woman seems sedated or something. I can feel all this anger in her but she is very light and airy in her demeanor. That is when I see it; there is a weird energy around her. It is a very dimly lit room but I can clearly make out her face until all of a sudden it starts getting blurry and distorted. I am just looking at this thinking, “wow this is interesting” and then I see a face of a reptilian over the top of hers. It was semi-etheric and not fixed but almost like a hologram superimposed over her. I had been learning about these beings but I really didn’t believe the information all that much. I figured the whole reptilian thing was more about people who embraced that part of the brain and way of thinking. I saw the pattern of that out in the world but never saw any reptilian beings or anything like that. Just shadow beings and ghosts and what I would call more planetary oriented phenomena like that. When I saw this I freaked out. I thought this woman was actually one of these reptilians and I got scared. I was thinking; “oh shit I got to get out of here, she isn’t even human.” I get this massive fear energy running through me, my legs feel like led and my stomach is killing me. I feel my energy being drained out of my body. No wonder this woman across from me is coughing and having difficulty breathing, she is getting fed off of. This reptilian woman starts talking about us getting ready for this meditation, some kind of deep lake meditation and I am thinking “Hell to the no, I am getting out of here!” I try to think of the best way to do this without pissing off a being that I have heard can be very ruthless. So I get up and say I was not feeling well and I must leave. I thanked her as she said, “I noticed that” and touched my arm. I am totally freaking out but maintain my composure despite feeling sucked dry of my energy.

I get out of there shaking and call my friend who shares with me that the woman was simply possessed by a reptilian not really one of them, that they are usually semi-etheric and can attach to people lacking ego discernment. So this calms me down but then I feel bad for these poor people in there basically worshiping this woman who, herself, is in pain and being manipulated by something that she isn’t even aware of. Or if she is aware of it she most likely called it into her energy field thinking it was there to help her.

So with this experience I learned more about the nature of the reality on this planet, that there are beings here that manipulate and control people in order to feed off of them and perpetuate very dark agendas. These beings can seem helpful and of the light but are actually misleading people. This is extremely important for me to know and why I was led to this experience as it explains why the world is the way it is, why it is so hard to break free from the patterns of abuse and why there is so much distortion between people. Possession is real.

I have since learned to not fear this (fear is what feeds it) and found that it is easy to communicate with even the most possessed person by not challenging their ego as that seems to be where that stuff gets control of them. In fact establishing a connection to the heart brings them out of it. Even if it is talking about a business deal or something else that seems very materialistic. If it is something they love, it takes them out of their negative ego manipulation. This stuff only has the power it is given through fear, being unconscious to what one is participating with, or with the thoughts and impulses that are indulged.

May you always connect with the hearts of others,

Jason

Grandfather at the Bar

So I guess I will tell another “ghost” story. This one is much more happy and upbeat compared to my other sharing on this topic. This memory was from a time when I was working for the night life, in fact that is what I did through my whole twenties was go out drinking and trying to have as much fun as possible to keep the depression and boredom with life at bay, but this is a whole other story.

So I am with my roommate at a bar hanging out with a girl he is trying to get with and her friend. We had only been there a short while but were already getting along great and having a good time. So I guess that is why I had the courage to ask her what I did.

I am sitting there at the table, the four of us talking like crazy carrying on multiple conversations all at the same time in true socially lubricated fashion. Out of the corner of my eye I see this guy sitting alone staring at us. At this point in my life I was often irritated when people watched me. In fact it would so irritate me that I would get angry about it. There was obviously a lot of work I had to do around that but I feel a lot of it was about wanting to hide in fact the alcohol was a big part of hiding. So I see this guy looking over at us but as soon as I turn my head to look directly at him there is no one there. This happens a couple of times until I decide to just watch out of the corner of my eye without moving my head the next time I see him.

He was wearing a black leather jacket with a pint of beer in front of him just smiling this very warm, genuine, calm smile. It totally disarmed any anger I had about being watched and any fear I might have felt about what was going down. I realized he wasn’t concerned about me at all but was looking at the girl my friend took us there to meet.

This was just too weird how strongly I could see him, so after a while I finally just came out and said to her, “This is going to sound crazy but there is a guy over there, that isn’t really there, that is just looking at you with a big huge smile.” I shit you not, this woman doesn’t skip a beat and tells me flat out, “Oh that is my grandfather. Other people have told me the same thing”. I told her “yeah but he looks young” to which she replied “Yeah, they said the same thing”. She goes on to tell me more about him including that he used to like to drink.

This experience totally blew my mind since this happened way before the incident on the boat (Sleep Apnea or Something Else? post) and at this time I was still trying to figure out what was going on in the world and why I saw and believed things so strongly that so many people thought were crazy or total nonsense.

This was one of my direct confirmations that I wasn’t crazy and that it wasn’t just in my mind. One could argue that she was just playing with a drunk seeing things but I had just started drinking and believe me I had a huge tolerance to alcohol back then. Also, that wasn’t the mood, in fact just before I told her what I saw it became very quiet at the table like a space opened up for this communication to happen. There was no laughter or weird looks from my roommate or the other girl, which was probably the weirdest occurrence since that is rarely the case when one rubs up against a belief system.

We all continued to hang out that whole night and had a great time. I didn’t see him at all the rest of the night but I imagine even to this day he comes and checks in on her from time to time making sure she is safe and enjoying her life.

May you always feel the love of your ancestors around you,

Jason