Toxic Masculinity

I am compelled to share this thing that occurred the other night. The strangest part is I can’t be sure it even really happened. It was something I heard but was it really spoken?

I go out dancing at a bar. Already an old pattern can rear its ugly head in my life. I have two beers to take the edge off all the energy I feel around me, another part of the pattern.

I am out dancing around a group of women not really engaging any directly. We are all feeling the vibes and enjoying the experience. It is the early part of the night when, usually at a bar, no one is really dancing yet except women. I know it is best to wait but I don’t care since I like the song.

After a while this guy comes out right near me and I hear the words, “You are a dead man.” He immediately starts dancing with one of the women near me, apparently his girlfriend. I feel as if punched in the face. I lose my joy, tighten up, and start to move robotically. I feel the anger and rage well up inside and then comes the old program from this energy within me, “What the hell. I am going to drop this skinny bitch!”

That’s the toxic male program right there. A part of me sized him up really quick, determined he could be taken out, and even threw in a little derogatory emasculating language designed to cut a man down by comparing him to a woman. As much work as I have done on this and my admiration of women it is still there. Right below the surface ready to cause pain physically, mentally and emotionally.

I play it cool and just keep dancing fighting off the need to retaliate. In my world at that moment a challenge has been thrown down, my safety threatened and I am ready to go. I check myself. I know that this might all just be in my head.

Did he really say it? It was so passive aggressive and subtle. Is this just a program too? Am I hearing an old voice in my head? An unwanted visitor designed to create pain in my world.

Was it me just feeling his energy coming through as an auditory experience? (This has happened before when a person’s energy is very intense and directed at me. I hear the energy signature of it. This is how telepathy works) The point of all this is there are many variables and I can’t be sure. With such things one must be disciplined.

Truth is it doesn’t matter. How I choose to respond consciously is the only real control I have.

As I process all this, I keep dancing. I am a little calmer and yet still trying to control my own strong passive aggressive impulse of wanting to “accidently” elbow him in the face by dancing too close.

I am angry. I just came out to have a good time something that I had to really push myself to do. I felt fear about it because of potential interactions like this. And so here it is. Self-fulfilling prophecy right. I get it. I don’t need advice on this. Knowing and being able to do it are two different things. I am just sharing if others want to understand how this works at least from my direct experience.

I leave the dance floor and chill out.

Later he is trying to walk where I am standing so I turn right towards him. I introduce myself really assertively as he tries to walk by me. I am not going to let him just ignore me. I want to see what he is about. I want to know if any of this is real and what kind of situation I am in.

It is my pattern in life to call out the elephant in the room.  I want to let him know that I am not interested in his girlfriend if that is the issue although I am more inclined to be now. It’s fine apparently but not that friendly. We keep it just a short introduction and nothing more as he keeps going back towards his girlfriend.

I go about my night but can’t fully shake it. I feel split and no longer fully present. I am not in integrity with myself internally. I have been partially taken over.

The whole vibe of the environment changes even more after a few friends of mine leave. I get the feeling it is time to go. I trust that and leave.

It took me a good couple of days to let go of all that. I was angry, sad, and struggling to stay positive about the world. So many crappy programs that try to tear us all apart.

It took a number of days walking on the cliffs near the ocean and a lot of breath and self-healing energy work to shift it. It is not surprising this came up as I have really accelerated clearing old patterns that keep me from interacting with the world and people in general. I realize it is not the fear of people as I long suspected by instead my visceral reactions to them that scares me.

I feel things so intensely that it is overwhelming scary to risk that getting triggered. Coupled with being an empath it is easier just to stay home most of the time. This does not serve me and so I must go and face those things that I myself am creating in the world by holding onto all this stuff.

I believe we create our reality based on what we hold within. I draw those experiences until I decide I know longer want them. What happened in the past and why they happened I can’t venture to explain I have tried for far too long and the truth is it doesn’t really fix it all that much. I did get strong and it drove me to connect to my abilities more from those “bad” experiences.

Now time is different and I must let go and move ahead. Breathe and know I am safe and don’t need to hurt anyone especially myself.

I need to take responsibility for what I hold that may be causing this timeline we are all on. I am working on clearing it and holding space for others to do the same. This from my understanding is what Ho’opnonopono is about. Connecting to Dr. Hew Len’s work helped me see that more fully and have another tool to deal with it.

In the past I might have labeled this experience as interference, or an attack from something else energetically trying to keep me from bringing my light to the world but more and more I am seeing that it doesn’t matter. That this too is just a subtle ego distortion of less than better than, it does not serve me.

If I want a different experience here on this planet. I need to let go of the remaining remnants of all that anger I let live inside me long ago. The blaming others, the criticizing those that seem to have power over me, belittling and wanting to fight those that I think are causing destruction in the world. The crafty darkness and pain parasite that never did anything but create a reality of separation.

Anything that tries to separate us into a “less than or better than” mentality is “toxic” to our unity and harmony no matter what gender we identify with or don’t.

It’s what throughout history has perpetuated great suffering in the world. When we take this on it is important to ask, “What is driving the need to do that?”

For me recently is was needing comfort and safety. Darkness and anger are not the best choice for that for me now in my life. It is certainly not what I want to share with the world. Even if I don’t act it out physically, the internal mental and emotional spewing of holding that in me is enough to cause toxicity in the world.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I do this to help process and maybe it will be helpful or at least interesting to others.

May you choose a reality of forgiveness and freedom from old programs,

Jason

Depression and Suicide

How many times have you fallen into the dark hole? That dark seemly bottomless pit of despair and hopelessness which if your anything like me, at its worse, has left you literally laying on the kitchen floor giving up all hope of anything being able to help. Then what happens?

We all get up and move forward (and yes if you want to go really dark, we have to get up to do that as well). As it passes a realization occurs, an epiphany about something. We see something more clearly or become more fixed on something. It is as if passing through the eye of the needle and we are shot out into the world with a new realization and rawness about life around us.

If this is a positive focus it will bring new experiences and people into our lives. If it is a negative focus then we will find ourselves again on that floor in a short amount of time but not before being driven to coping mechanisms.

Shift this by reaching for the positive coping mechanism. Know what they are, have them literally written down somewhere. What are the helpful coping mechanisms and which are the not so helpful ones?

We are now at that time of choice. The movie or the creating? The cigarette or the run? The complaining or the gratitude? The time in nature or the social media? Sleeping in or the morning routine? Being with people or isolating?

This very process of falling into the dark hole is one of creativity and a form of a shamanistic journey in my opinion. It is definitely an altered state and if you are really paying attention you will know you are not alone during those times.

And so, it is true of all fields of energy. We draw to us what we put out but sometimes we must go into the dark cave. This may happen as part of our mission and journey here. If it is really intense it may be the Universe initiating you or what has been called the dark night of the soul. We must face what is in that darkness that tries to scare us and drag us to a place where we forget who and what we really are.

We become intimate with the darkness and all the thoughts and feelings that dwell there. We may forget that we are still connected and loved. But then we pass through and years later that horrible experience now seems a blessing. Showing us how far we have come and that we are still here able to enjoy the happy moments.

My experience is that it will happen many times to varying degrees no matter how much work we do. I have come to see this as the crouching before the leap, the cocoon before the blossoming freedom of flight. It is an indication that something big needs to be shed so I can move forward. With context things are not as scary. And with context things are easier to navigate.

Early on I knew there was more to this earthly existence because of the dark. I found my confirmation in that place. Those things that lurk there are real and so it must be true for those of the light. I chose the light and I choose to work on embodying the Love that always surrounds us all.

If you are suffering move towards those things and people that can help. You know what they are. If you don’t ask it from the universe.  Chose them, chose to be here, chose to shed the negative overlay…..find the treasure in the cave, return and share it with us. We need it, we need you, we love you!

May you find who you are even in the darkness,

Jason

Connecting

My dog Daisy ran off when someone lit off some Thanksgiving fireworks. I know right? She was lost for over two weeks but has since returned. I wanted to share what had happened and what I experienced through this time of being without my dog. I was amazed at how helpful everyone was and the outpouring of heart energy from everyone who heard about her being lost. I feel truly blessed to know so many great people and to see all those animal lovers in the world. I really saw a lot of heart around me.

I really appreciate how my brother Michael and his wife Christina were there for me. I have a hard time asking for help and they showed up in a big way making it much easier. They did an awesome job on the internet looking for her and helping with flyers! I had so much apathy to work through to do all the things I knew needed to happen at a material level such as posting on various places on the web, putting up flyers, contacting shelters, driving around all over one of the largest housing developments in the U.S. calling her name and squeaking her dog toy. I had to let go of being embarrassed or wanting to hide from new people. I had to engage and ask. When all that was carried out a number of times some part of me must have felt free to move to the next level.

That next level was extremely powerful. Many people were praying and communicating with Daisy. I witnessed a few people look at daisy’s picture and say “Come home Daisy”. This was powerful, it helped me remember I can do that. I can communicate in that way especially when looking at someone’s picture.

There is an ability that we all have to tune into the energy and frequency of another being by simply intending to do so and then focusing. Belief makes it stronger and confirmation will arrive with patience. It happens all the time but most people dismiss it. Thinking of someone then they text or call. Were you thinking of them or were they thinking of you? Truth is it doesn’t matter. It is the same.

The night before Daisy came back. The sadness hit me a different way that night. I let go and felt a clarity and a knowing that I was finally fully ready for her to come home. It was like a window beyond all my indecisive cognitive and emotional interference about the situation. I made a decision on how to move forward when she can home. I looked at her picture and tuned into her energy. I told her, “I miss you and want you to come home. I don’t know where you are. I didn’t leave you with those people and won’t be able to come get you. You are going to have to find your way back”. I had to really feel through the pain and sadness to a place of genuine connection with her own energy signature.

Then the next day she just showed up back at my brother’s place where she had run off from. When she got back, she was very tired and hungry. She must have been getting food from somewhere because she is not as thin as you might expect after being gone for over two weeks. There is a large cut on her leg which opened up exposing a lot of flesh but she took good care of it herself. The vet said it is about a week old and it is best to let it continue to heal on its own.

I am so happy she is back. She has been with me for almost 8 years now. We have lived in Arizona, Washington and now Hawaii together. She has melted the hearts of everyone she meets. I have never seen a dog that so many people love. I have had people who say they don’t even like dogs fall in love with her and actually let her come in their house.

Thank you for reading and for all the assistance at every level in helping her get back home.

Much Love,

Jason

 

Not Good Enough

On the shadow of “not good enough”

Those of us who work in the mental health field or really anyone who has dove into the deep dark places of emotional pain have undoubtedly become familiar with the phrase not good enough. This is a shadow and a blessing for it drives people to greatness and destruction.

The deep core negative belief of “not good enough” and its associated emotional responses are all too familiar to me. This has only intensified despite my accomplishments and expressed admirations by other amazing people around me.

Still the old pattern remains. I am I doing it well enough? What is wrong with me? I am better than this. I cannot look bad. I need to be perfect. I can do more. What I do needs to be perfect. And of course the darkest and dangerous of all….the things I am associated with need to be perfect too.

What is perfect?

In psychology, this is the wound of the Sovereign the archetypal King or Queen that must place their inner and outer kingdom in order, balance, and harmony for all parts of self to thrive.

A person healing this shame-based wound of not good enough can answer this idealized “perfect” in their minds eye but with words it is a bit more difficult.

What often shows up is a need and drive to do something that will leave everybody in awe. This awe and appreciation will create a showering of compliments that “not good enough” will never fully appreciate for deep down they do not believe what is being said. It feels good but also creates discomfort because a perfect person is also humble. Driving them to walk a razors edge of god like mastery that drives some to suicide and the fortunate to initiation.

Thanks for reading. Like this lion remember what is true about you and what your gold is.

May you walk beyond your shadow in gratitude,

Jason

Money

I am really working on letting go of my limitations in all their forms. Part of that is consciously connecting to the energy of money and allowing that energy, what Inelia Benz describes as an elemental force, to come into my life.

Inelia has freely shared a great process for connecting to this very powerful energy. As I use it the things that come up are painful and the visions are not always pleasant. The discipline is to just sit and watch them allowing the deep feeling beyond the judgement to be fully felt, realizing at the bottom what it all really is….a blessing of experience.

Reflecting later when done with the technique I can see how these experiences have solidified into unprocessed emotions masked in beliefs about money. It is no wonder there is so much intensity around this subject for so many people.

Even just doing an exercise like this will no doubt cause people to say what about inviting love and joy into your life? Well believe me I am doing that too and that is even scarier sometimes. It is a much more vulnerable process for me.

With all this processing about money an epiphany came to me today that money strongly represents an aspect of the element of ether. Many know the elements of fire, water, air, and earth but lesser known is that of ether. An unseen force all around us of which anything can manifest. It has been described as the human equivalent of the water a fish swims in.

Here is a link to Inelia’s website and the technique if you would like to try it out yourself. Feel free to share your experience with me if you like.

I will add that each day I do this I notice something different happening around me.

https://ineliabenz.com/self-empowerment-resources/reconnecting-spirit-money/

May you feel through to your knowing,

Jason

The Rut

 

Sitting on the lanai he drinks his first drink of a beer knowing it isn’t going to help him. He has gone rounds with this addiction for a long time, conquered it succumbed again and again. Now after 15 years of work he drinks like a “normal person” but tonight he knows he is pushing it.

He is reaching to self-medicate. He knows he won’t go over his self-imposed limit of 3 to 4 beers in fact he only has two usually but this first one is from a place of desperation and the hope that it will dissipate his pain knowing deep inside it has never made it any better especially the next day.

He is frustrated and feeling defeated. His men’s group didn’t seem to help much tonight, the run he went on didn’t really help, the meditation he did that morning really didn’t accomplish anything. He drinks the beer and says fuck it. But as he pulls it away from his lips he has an almost uncontrollable impulse to launch the thing into the trees but he catches that.

Perhaps the mediation did help a bit. It gave him that split second amount of time to think, “Do I really want to throw this? Do I want to restart that pattern again too? His mind shows him the memory of throwing a beer bottle from the front door of his apartment long ago taking mild pleasure in the distance it took to get it all the way down the hill to land mashing into pieces in the middle of the highway below. He remembers this was a regular occurrence coming home late from the bar feeling alone and frustrated.

“No, I will just hold onto it”.

He decides to check in, to dive into himself where that impulse came from, realizing that it is another part of him that was wanting to take control. “What do you want?” he asks internally.

The message comes very quick and clear, “I want to fuck, to fight and to have fun. I am cooped up and going crazy!”

He gets it, realizing how much of his life this last year has been about getting things done, being a good man, doing what is right. He mentor’s youth in the schools for God’s sake he needs to be pleasant and kind and hold space. He can’t force or get upset when someone pokes at him.

He uses the dreaded modeling of vulnerability on a daily basis. There is a need to be unconditionally loving or in the jargon of psychology to show unconditional positive regard.

That is the discipline and he is happy to do it but another part is fucking dying while craving adventure, excitement, and danger. It wants to live free and out in the world without boundaries and all the formal communication pleasantries. Enough with the good man stuff already.

“How can we do those things without going to jail?” He asks the wild part. He realizes this is just an excuse to live small and safe. He could go out and see what is out in the little part of the world he lives in but he is afraid.

Afraid he will meet those bad men the ones that don’t seem to feel anything but anger and jealousy. Those men that value respect but rarely give it. Those that want to destroy anything different that challenges their comfort or threatens their alpha position.

He is afraid of being laughed at and ridiculed by others. He fears the stares and the energy that is directed his way. The very reason why he found so much comfort in alcohol long ago. He could numb that gift of his.

He could still feel and sense but the reaction was gone and he was in control. Flowed with the energies around him and delighted in being able to sense his surroundings but this was short lived and the result of the distortion from living in a shell and hiding during much of his youth.

So he drinks his beer and sits in silence on his lanai. Hoping someday things will be different.

If only he could utilize all the things he has learned, applied the laws/lore that are so well known to him yet fail to bring the outcomes he desires. He faces yet again the pain of almost there, the shadow of not good enough, and the pain of longing for something he can’t even describe anymore.

The term lanai is used instead of porch or deck as he lives in Hawaii, he has unique house that is very affordable, warm weather all year, lots of people that care about him, ability to get in the ocean anytime of year and a rewarding job. Yet his restlessness continues. Just a pattern

May you know and break free of what holds you,

Jason

What Hardens a Man’s Heart?

The problem with a heart is that it can break be torn and leave us feeling deep pain and longing for what once gave us so much joy and happiness.

A man may try to avoid this by shutting down some of that joy when he feels it again, he may seek out fake joy in drugs and alcohol hoping that it will at least make the pain go away, he may finally find a partner that brings him joy but he may never allow himself to fully love him or her and will try to control that person to keep from feeling the pain he felt long ago when something he loved left or was destroyed.

A man may become so good at keeping himself from feeling pain in his heart that overtime he losses that connection to it. He loses that which makes him a loving human being and kills his heart. If he does this enough times he may no longer feel the aches and pains but he also no longer feels love and connection with those around him. This is the black heart.

He suffers a different pain. A pain of disconnection from himself and others. This pain strongly affects those around him although he may not notice it for a long time. He will wonder why he cannot relate to women, why his children find him cold and distant and why he is so uncomfortable around other men. He may feel very guarded around people and always ready for a fight.

In this distorted disconnected pain he instead seeks his happiness in things that he can own and control. And so there is a shell of pain around his heart and this is why it hurts to go there and reconnect in the beginning after it has been long suppressed.

The heart is a muscle and like every muscle it tears and rips, but each time it is made stronger through the process when it is allowed to heal. Just like the pain you feel when you work out so it is with the heart. The heart of the warrior feels the pain and knows he can withstand it. He feels it to heal it. He fearlessly lives though he may lose it all and in the grand scheme of things he will indeed. But know that the experience is always retained.

May you always be connected to your heart,

Jason