I had one of those realizations or deep awareness’s recently that are so strong that they feel like they reach beyond space and time. Beyond the constructs of mental thought with such intensity and emotion that it is hard to ignore the great truth coming through in that moment. At the same time knowing that I could never empirically prove the truth of such a deep inner experiential thing. This doesn’t even matter that much to me anymore I write about it here to help process it and to share with those that have similar experiences with inner states that are more than just the result of thoughts or triggered emotions.
I am truly blessed to live in Hawaii. I am coming to really appreciate that and surrender to it. I am allowing myself to enjoy this amazing and powerful place, to be in joy more with it. One of the great things about living in Hawaii is that in February I can go outside and pick fresh cherry tomatoes for my morning breakfast. I was doing this the other day on an exceptionally beautiful morning in which I was feeling very good and happy about this blessing in my life. As I am picking the tomatoes I am also acknowledging their beauty and thanking the plant, something I try to remember to do to be more conscious of the life that is within all things and increase my gratitude. Out of nowhere I am hit with a vision, a feeling and a profound experiential knowing.
I am conscious and aware of my surroundings but I feel as if I am in Italy long ago and I am a woman who is also picking tomatoes having the same reverence for her many blessings and for the beauty all around her/me. It feels good, it feels so safe and soft and all those things that the feminine energy can encompass. I allow myself to feel that vulnerability, a surrender to being connected and feeling safe knowing I am protected. Well right around this moment I feel that fear come in. I feel the message that I am not safe that this is going to be taken from me. At any moment someone is going to come and hurt me to rip this from me. I feel the need to protect myself come up. I just witness this from my current station of identity as Jason a male in this life.
I see how I have had this feeling of not being safe much of my life, feeling as though at any minute someone or something is going to attack me, to put me down to take me away from what I hold most precious.
I realize that long ago as a warrior in a village, tribe or town I would need to prepare for the inevitable event that war would break out or that someone will come to take what I have or to attack my family and those I love. That they will come destroy the feminine, that part that is open and loving and ready to nurture and care.
In this life I have fiercely protected that part in a more emotionally closed off way. I am working on letting that go. Letting go of the need to protect and put up walls and barriers that really end up trapping that part or energy, keeping it from being free to expand.
I am in a good place in my life now here in Hawaii and can be connected to this very vulnerable part, I can let go and feel safe even when things are uncomfortable, but can I let go of that part of me that holds all this back?
That part that will protect me in very destructive ways. A part that would feel right at home on an ancient battlefield shut down emotionally and able to stuff down what is felt in the heart. Becoming what has been called the shadow warrior.
To me the shadow warrior is able to do whatever it takes to protect something to the point it is closed off and shut down emotionally in order to do what it takes to “get it done”. It cannot see beyond the task at hand and a big reason why I will never truly be free to love until I let go of this energy which is not really me. I have perhaps embraced it many times in other lives and often felt the comfort of it being there in this life but this embraced energy is outside me and can be cast out if I am willing.
I am still working on releasing this long ago invited energy. It feels safe this monster. It has protected me in a way even though I have never needed to fully call on it in this lifetime. This protection has a cost and is a big part of what is keeping me from really connecting to my feminine in a real, balanced, and sustainable way. I feel I will not be the mature masculine until I can fully let this aspect go.
It is as if I think I need to go berserk at some point to fight off an invading army or just say 3 guys who want to hurt me or someone I love. This shadow warrior or what has been more specifically referred to as dark perpetrator energy is very destructive, hard to control and can as a man in a recent training explained, “can tear down a house”.
I cast a large part of this out recently. I am choosing to attain self-mastery in this life. I let go of the shadow warrior who can turn off everything and do what needs to be done knowing that it is the result of a boy’s mentality. It is an unconscious checking out and letting something else take over to feel safe and powerful.
My intention is that in letting this go I will actually be able to achieve a higher level of the warrior, one who is connected and using divine guidance to temper the extremes of the shadow warrior. This creation of a more Zen space in skill and mastery (magician) will allow me to draw upon my strength and marital arts skill in a safe and conscious way. If I ever need to protect myself or others it would be much more like the calm Kung Fu master who fights only when he needs to and done in a way that is really showing the error in even fighting.
This isn’t just about physical acts of protection for me it is largely about being able to gain control over emotions and mental thoughts that come up from fear and calling on the monster not even knowing it. It will subtlety rear its head when my ego is being threatened or when not attaining shallow ego desires. It will manifest as enemy patterning and a need to be right. It will often ruthlessly defend a position and refuse to surrender when I am not paying attention. It shows up when I feel like I am losing control or being too vulnerable and connected to another.
I now feel this energy as very separate from me, like I can simply watch it. I see how it keeps me from connecting to others. It is a monster capable of ruthless acts to protect itself. I have never needed to fully call on it but felt I needed it. The biggest reason I realized this need was around thoughts of, “what if all hell breaks loose and it is total Armageddon and I have to fight to survive.” I didn’t feel safe in the world for a long time and wanted something mean and nasty to protect me.
This is like the last vestiges from when in this current life I chose between light and darkness. A salient point in my life while in mediation over 15 years ago. I wrote about it in the post Choosing the Light.
So I am now letting go of that darkness from other lifetimes where I lost it and choose not to connect in a harmonious way with others when dealing with adversity. I see the need to let go of this false protector, this energy of volatility, of the cornered animal that will do anything to protect itself. I am the divine human being not that which feeds off of the negative judgments of experiences.
May you know yourself as Sovereign and Free,
For more on archetypal representations of energy check out the excellent book: King, Warrior, Magician, Lover by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette.