The Lovable Tyrant, the Victim and the Dutiful Son

The archetypes of the tyrant, the victim and the dutiful son represent some of the deepest issues I have been working to overcome in my life. These patterns of behavior and their energy dynamics around and within me come from multiple sources: genetic, environmental, learned behavior and collective human patters of dysfunction to name only a few of the more dense causal manifestations.
It is the extremes of these archetypes that cause the most harm. In the case of the tyrant, there is a time to rant and rave to let go of the frustrations that can often be tied to pent-up dreams and desires. Upon later reflection the rant can reveal what one truly wants in their life.
It is when bitching energy is continually spewed into the environment as a way to serve self at the expense of others that it becomes toxic and creates a dysfunctional energy dynamic.
The energy that I most often see perpetuating the extreme negative aspects of these archetypes are guilt, shame, and blame held within oneself which I am sure I will write about in a later post.
The Lovable Tyrant
To me the tyrant is intimately related to what a true terrorist is, someone who instills fear and gains control over others. This control is not won from being more powerful or capable, but because they put others on edge and create an impending doom type feeling that allows the tyrant to get what they want. They rant, yell and scream not always at one specific person but often just in general as if rejecting everything around them.
The fear they instill, which over time often becomes unconscious, can be so strong that it will turn people holding a lot of victim energy against each other.
When a person stands their ground against a tyrant, those close to the tyrant can become so unnerved at the potential for the tyrant to get upset that they become hostile to the one finally setting boundaries and holding the tyrant responsible for their behavior. This further enables the tyrant to continue their behavior. Unfortunately, when in a family setting, the one who continually stands up for themselves typically just leaves the others if no real change is made with the tyrant.
I use the term the lovable tyrant to designate the type that is someone that is loved and cared about like a husband, father or brother. It is most often a male (more masculine energy) who carries this pattern but woman can often play this role as well.
From my perspective, as being on both sides of this pattern at various times of my life, I see it as coming from a place of having an adult temper tantrum. Someone who is rejecting what they are experiencing and taking it out on others.
It is often a fighting of what is being felt, needs to be accomplished, or simply the inability to let go of an unattainable desire. It is frustration which builds uncontrolled until it becomes explosive energy projected out to the world.
This falsely serves those playing the tyrant role for often someone will step in to try and “fix” the problem. This “fixer” is usually in the form of the dutiful wife, mother, or son/daughter. Really it is anyone who is willing to subjugate their own needs to help another who is not taking responsibility for their own energies within them. This is when the dutiful becomes the victim.
Only thing I have seen work with remaining dutiful is to not engage in the drama, to remain neutral and move away from the explosion. Setting boundaries for one’s own safety and letting it be known that the behavior is unacceptable by not giving them any attention, allowing the person to throw their tantrum and wallow in their own stuff. (It is important to remember to always put up the psychic shield and when they are done spewing, energetically clear the area)
I remember a couple of rants I had while talking to a friend who just sat and listened without saying a word. In fact he didn’t say anything for a while after I was done which brought up some anger that I wanted to then direct at him. Luckily, in this case, I was able to catch it. I simply looked at what that feeling was and what I had just been going on and on about. It then hit me how ridiculous I was being.
Since my friend never engaged, the rant withered and died. There is a reason why this man has the nickname “Little Buddah” by his close friends. Many would not see the reason for this based on contradictory surface appearances and behavior, but it is his heart and soul essence.
If I wouldn’t have caught this anger towards my friend for his lack of reaction I would have become the tyrant in that moment.
I have found and have been disappointed with the outcomes that involve judging, trying to fix, or offer assistance in moments of a person’s rant. It only draws me into their drama. Getting sucked in further enables them and potentially makes me responsible for something that is not mine. It is their stuff, something they must deal with. Deep down they know it and it pisses them off even more. The tyrant often has a hard time asking for help, they want to do it all and be in charge to feel more powerful.
With a tyrant, the need for power and control is designed to override the constant victim feeling. This victim feeling is what is negatively serving them and perpetuating the cycle without their even knowing it.
The Victim
Victim energy seems to be very prevalent in society and is actually very close to victimizer energy such as the tyrant (yet another paradox found in life’s truths). They are often one in the same. To me it is simply a matter of perspective and self-awareness.
In the most extreme situations, horrible things are perpetuated and justified by the one doing the action because they feel wronged, unloved, or powerless. These destructive energies or actions are not always projected out until the moments when a person’s safety is threatened. This is especially true when there are blind spots to triggers and other emotional trauma lurking inside.
Attacking another might be justified if their physical safety was threatened, but this is rarely the case. It is often a perceived attack which threatens the safety of a belief system, view of self, material comforts, or any other transient thing that brings a false sense of control and balance. The ultimate unshakable safety is ones internal connection to who they truly are beyond all concepts and material manifestations.
Victims will often commiserate and blame others. They too are not taking responsibility and project their frustrations and feelings of powerlessness out onto the tyrant. They become a tyrant when they can no longer suppress their inner anger at this. They will go after those less assertive around them like some kind of distorted hierarchy of powerlessness. In the most extreme cases of the victim pattern people will lose it and physically harm others in an attempt to regain the power they perceive as being lost or stolen. I often think of this when I see someone snap and kill a bunch of people then themselves. (This is also usually fueled by mood altering chemical substances and subtle energetic influences)
The Dutiful Son
The dutiful son does what is expected he helps others, gets good grades, and tries to make others comfortable, especially the lovable tyrant. He loves the tyrant for just like the battered wife he has seen the other extreme of the abuse and knows that the tyrant often doesn’t mean it. The good side is amazing, fun, cool, and a joy to be around but this positive mood is extremely fragile and likely to shift at any second so there is this impending doom feeling and confusion about how to act.
The dutiful wishes to be open and enjoy themselves but they cannot fully connect for they know this is the person that terrorizes them. They really crave a deeper connection but cannot trust it and will not trust it. They spend their time trying to win the favor of the tyrant to experience the good side. They will even unknowingly seek out other tyrants because they feel it means more if you can win someone over who is mean and nasty.
When this happens in my life I will enjoy the happy mood of the lovable tyrant but remaining somewhat detached and confused. This has followed me into all my relationships. I was often accused by past romantic partners of being cold and distant. True I am a Capricorn and this is to be expected sometimes but it is the arm’s length thing that would drive woman crazy. I would let them in then push them away whenever they got too close. I am still working on this with all my relationships. I am working to be more open and loving, to be more vulnerable.
I have just become aware of the extent of my participation in the dutiful son pattern which isn’t a bad thing but it has become a means of not dealing with my own issues. I find I will often try to make others happy out of fear of outcomes from disharmony. Not that I can’t handle people with explosive tempers and rude behavior. I have dealt with that my whole life, but it is the expectation of it, the never knowing when it will happen that creates so much anxiety.
This environment of impending doom with the feeling of being constantly on edge has made it difficult for me to trust and be fully loving and vulnerable to others. This is also true for the ones who have never yelled or screamed at me. It is as if I am constantly waiting for the hammer to come down on me. It is exhausting and defies my cognitive ability to control it. It is deep in the nervous system and the subconscious mind. It is what is referred to as complex trauma.
My recent depth of realization is that my service to others is extreme and it is being neglectful to me.
At this stage of my life it feels like I am now being asked what I wish to experience or create. To me this is baffling for I spent so much time in the recent past working hard to just let go and be guided to where I need to be. I worked very hard at service to others on the physical and subtle energy levels and letting go of material desires. Like all extremes this has run its course I am now swinging back the other way and reclaiming things I used to enjoy. Trying to figure out what it is that I truly want without feeling guilty or worrying about the distortions that saturate this planet.
I am working to be present while visualizing the future. What that would look like when I let go of all the fear that comes up around accomplishing it. This is much more difficult than it sounds, for if I make a choice it feels like it would exclude all other choices. I had just become used to letting go and looking for guidance but now it is like “well what do you want to create?”
Well, I haven’t a clue but I know there are a multiple of options.
For now, I find myself staying in Hawaii but really uncomfortable with how much that requires assisting others while my needs do not feel met. Much of this is my own fault. I have fallen into a pattern in my family of trying to help everyone but myself. Distracting myself from what I want and need because it seems like too much to deal with.
The distorted aspect of the dutiful puts others needs first not necessarily because they love or really like that person but because they don’t want them to get upset and start yelling. There is this tremendous fear of upsetting others that creates a constant checking in on how the people around them are doing.
I choose to remain dutiful, helping others but also choosing to help myself. I choose to make me a priority without feeling guilty. I choose to express who I am even if it creates confusion and upsets those around me. And, the biggest choice of all, I choose not to get sucked into anything that does not serve the truth of who I am.

May you always know true inner sourced power,

1 thought on “The Lovable Tyrant, the Victim and the Dutiful Son

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s