Fuel

With all these deep emotions I have been processing lately, I have found it interesting to check in with what is going on inside me at any given point throughout the day. I am really seeing that much of the energy I am using to power through things is based on anger or more recently pangs of inadequacy driving me to go beyond my comfort zone to improve my situation. Realizing how so much of my life I have used an energy of anger to really blast through things and push myself.
One such occurrence happened long ago when I was feeling this same level of heartache I am now, that feeling of longing and pain that requires large amounts of alcohol or strenuous exercise. I prefer the exercise as the recovery period is less traumatic to the rest of my week not to mention the realization that to overindulge in drinking is to become unconscious thereby allowing things to infiltrate the temple that is the body (these “guests” generally don’t like to leave).
I was dating someone who was like my karmic slap in the face. A woman who pulled all the tricks on me I used to use and said things to me that really hit me between the eyes. I was fully opening my heart to her but it just wasn’t working and things fell apart. So I found myself going for 4 mile runs every day, sometimes twice. Early in the morning, late at night, anytime the pain got to be too much to bear. This went on for a couple of weeks until the day came that I had ran about 2 miles and my legs gave out. They ached like crazy and every step I took was agony. I remember thinking, how was I going to get home, this sucks! But most of all I was frustrated and angry because now I wouldn’t be able to run anymore. I was afraid of drinking again and I needed this. Right at that moment I was aware of a flood of thoughts spinning in my head. All the failures and all the pain I had experienced in my life whirled around my mind like a tornado. But in that moment instead of admitting defeat and limping home I got pissed and started running anyway. It hurt like crazy but I didn’t care, I just ran harder and harder. I used all that frustration and judgment of my past situation and current position to power me on. My eyes were fixed and piercing, my arms pumped like crazy while my legs pounded the ground as hard as they could until I couldn’t feel them anymore. My heart was racing and my lungs burned but I ran even faster. I was full tilt, powered on pure rage. I was running towards the intersection when the light turned yellow I don’t know where it came from but I hit another gear and kicked even harder and beat the light. Luckily, because I had no plans in stopping if I didn’t. I must have looked like a crazy person to everyone I passed but I cared not. I was letting it all pour out, all the anger, all the frustration, all the hate I had for myself projected into pounding that pavement so I could make it home without the self-loathing and disappointment that was sure to overcome me if I had to walk. When it was all over I was a block from my house. I had ran full speed for almost two miles. I had accomplished something amazing but it was fueled by anger and self-punishment.
For a long time I marveled at this experience and found it to be empowering to know I could run that fast and that far especially when I could barely walk before. I realize now it was really showing me just how abusive I could be to myself. Usually this abuse was below the surface in the form of thoughts and impulses that would take many years to catch and even longer to correct. It is still a work in progress but the awareness is building and I have collected many more tools than I had in the past.
So these days I am spending more time checking in on what I am feeling while busy with life so as to recognizing what is fueling my actions. What energy I am using to accomplish something? What am I empowering myself with, which as a result is permeating my surrounding environment. Knowing my intention with every action is important but what fuel is being used to create that and is that the best or most efficient energy source? Is that the energy I want to give consent to embody within me energetically? So in those moments when I realize I am utilizing anger or mild forms of vengeance I stop and breathe, remember to let it go and allow myself to feel love for who I am, as I am. I focus on how to use my body movements efficiently, clearing the mental chatter in my head, and balance my focus.

So much of the dissonance seems to stem from various forms of judgment that needs to be released.

At this time I am relaxing more and just not taking anything very seriously. I am pretty sure that when I finally leave this body I will wake up and be like “Wow, I really got wrapped up in all that!”

May you always be loving and kind to yourself,
Jason

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