Restless

I find that I am very restless tonight. A restlessness intensified by the fact that I started drinking again, but drinking “like a normal person”. This is usually just one drink but tonight I had two and I am feeling that familiar pull to want to go out and tear it up, go do something, have fun, mingle and meet people. All the things that cause me to feel anxious about doing while sober, but it isn’t just the alcohol doing this. I have had this restlessness much of my life. It seems to come and go in its intensity. It shows up when I run out of distractions like movies and when there are no pressing obligations and responsibilities. It is this restlessness that would cause me to run a couple of miles no matter how late at night it was when I lived in Phoenix. The restlessness that causes me to sit down and write what is spinning in my head as I stare off into the beautiful scenery around me, a beauty that is nothing specific but more the acknowledgment of what is always around me but not often really looked at deeply. It is an appreciation for life and all the potentials and possibilities around me. It brings a feeling of emptiness while filling me up. The emptiness is experienced from knowing I could be doing anything but not knowing what that is. A feeling that I should be doing something, that I need to be. What am I to do here?

I am walking around outside and hear my neighbor’s TV blasting something I can’t quite make out. I think of how many nights I choose to sit and watch movies when I have the free time and how it brings me happiness while another part of me feels like it is a total waste of time. This is irrelevant and simply a matter of balance. For me, tonight, it is about what happens when all the distractions are gone and there is nothing to do. My old self would have another drink and escape into a numb bliss and perhaps head to a bar for some adventure, but I have walked that path many times. My more recent self would sit and meditate when I felt this way but I feel I have done so much of that too. I am now trying to balance the unseen world and inner experiences with the 3d reality I live in. Finding balance in order to allow that part of me who wants to drink to do so, to listen to distorted music or indulge in material things and experiences but have the self-control to know when to stop. Is that not mastery? To do with control rather than to avoid at all costs?

I tried so hard to be this ideal person that I suppressed much of my exuberance and playful humor to attain some spiritual depth which never really got me the relief from anxiety and depression I had hoped for. It was just another piece of the puzzle, a very big one but something that must also be balanced. The reality is that I am here on this planet and can’t be afraid to participate with it. I am not giving up meditating or discerning what is energetically harmful but I am allowing some of my old self back in, that part of me I was unsure of showing the world because he swore and liked dark humor and didn’t always take things very seriously. I don’t want to be a monk anymore but I also don’t want to be a drunk either, so I write this out and strive for the balance that will fulfill all parts of myself.

I will plan for the future, being flexible knowing that nothing I plan is guaranteed to happen but things do happen when we put forth the effort. These things cannot be forced (at least not for very long) so I also realize that I must be patient and open enough to allow guidance to show me the way. It feels like I am spinning my wheels sometimes but if we are all creator beings how can we not strive and interact while reaching for that divine assistance that comes when the timing is right and rarely before.

As for tonight my short term restlessness feels abated having written this (creating something) but my limited view from this station of identity still haunts me if I don’t remember to just let it go and allow myself to be here now, while keeping what I choose in the moment from going too far into either extreme.

May you have balance in all aspects of Self,

Jason

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