I remember at around age eleven I made the decision to change how the world saw me. I realized that my smile and happy nature made me a target for some reason. I drew the conclusion that I needed to start frowning more and not allow others to see me being happy for no reason. I found that if I looked angry or upset, people would leave me alone. This pattern would continue for a long time. I would become more and more concerned with how people viewed me as I progressed through school. I was gaining a reputation as a brain in middle school and quickly changed that by studying less and pretending I didn’t know the answers to questions in class. I remember making an effort to limit my vocabulary so as not to seem too uppity. I tried to sound tough by complaining about things and hung out with the people who were like the class clowns. I embraced the stereotypes of what a man was supposed to be according to mainstream beliefs. I became this contradiction trying to be something I am not, some kind of tough guy who doesn’t care about anything or anyone. I idolized those ruthless people who seemed to get what they wanted by just being assholes without any empathy. In my heart I knew this was wrong but I saw this was how the world worked. Later, I would act in these ways and was often surprised that people would get upset when I would express something that I saw on a daily basis. Like some tendency people had or way of doing something that no one wanted to acknowledge. My mistake was that I didn’t try to hide it or sugarcoat it. I saw how people and world leaders would say one thing then do the other. It was very confusing to me. I was just saying it like it was but people couldn’t handle it. They must have been pretending it didn’t exist. They wanted to think the horrible things people were doing behind closed doors wasn’t really happening.
I took comfort in darkness; dark thoughts, angry music and violent media. I tried to subscribe to this idea of the man’s man who was strong and ruthless and nobody messed with. It was total bullshit because that is not who I am but I was able to fake it to some degree for a long time. It did seem to isolate me more but eventually this was no longer desirable. I had picked up and embraced some very negative views about people and the world and was always quick to express it. I still had fun and was a happy drunk through most of my twenties but I used that darkness as a way to isolate myself when someone got too close or if I was nervous about being in certain environments. As you can imagine I collected a lot of entities and dark energy around me. I was comfortable with it even though I was often miserable and alone. The darkness made me feel safe. I felt that it protected me and that the stuff around me were my friends but the truth was they would drop me the first chance they got. The dark has no loyalty, once you are no longer of any use they leave you holding the bag.
I share all this to convey why it was hard for me to choose between the dark and the light. I saw the light as being weak and lame. I was scared to shine my light for fear of attack and inhalation. I identified with past lives that were very violent because they made me feel powerful in a current life that was full of fear and confusion. I couldn’t understand why I was unable to be that way in this life. I didn’t want to hurt anyone but I wanted to be in more control of my emotions and actions to be able to play the game and get what I wanted. People would say you can be a good man and do that but that wasn’t what I saw in my youth. I saw people pretending to be good but did some really fucked up things to get ahead monetarily. My inner being or cellular structure wouldn’t let me do that. My body just wouldn’t stay calm in those times of being aggressive and manipulative unless I was drinking or something. I had an inner rage and desire in one part of myself but the other part always stopped it or created dissonance. I wasn’t allowed to act in the same ways as I did in some of my past lives, no matter how much I wanted to.
I finally made the choice to embrace my true nature and chose the light in one powerful moment. This was while I was in Arizona studying metaphysics and really working to get rid of my negativity and bad habits. I still had an interest in the dark and took comfort in that but was trying to find more balance with how I interacted with the world. I was reading a book about Crowley around that time and one day decided to meditate after smoking some weed. I had never attempted to meditate on any drug before. I always kept these two things separate but for some reason I didn’t this time perhaps because I wanted to see why I felt so anxious while on it.
I close my eyes and I feel all this darkness around me. I am being pulled down by all these demon like things. I realized right then and there that I didn’t want this anymore. That I was just being used and fed off of. So I sat up straighter than I ever thought possible trying with every ounce of sensory ability to connect to that light I had felt in the past. Finally there it was I choose it and let go of any temporary comfort or fake power support from the dark energy.
This of course doesn’t mean I am all light in fact it is always a balancing act for me as if there are two or three me’s battling it out inside but I chose my ultimate guide to be my true self aligned to the Law of One and the light of God Source, to embrace that part of myself that I was so afraid of. To have the courage to shine more of my light in a world that I felt was very hostile to that energy. Luckily, this hostility has lessened over the years which have made things much easier but there is still the old experience of ridicule and attack. I must let go of these experiences and own who I am. To stand in my truth and express all parts of myself without fear.
May you always experience inner balance and courageous self-expression,