Unwanted Visitor

I sit and contemplate my tortured fate…..wait….

Is it really?

No not at all.

Then why do I feel like this yet again?

It is there again that familiar anger and frustration. The familiar feeling that I am about to explode but can’t. I feel stuck in my body and forced to be where I am. I am forced to face the path I have placed myself on unable to let go and accept what is. This brings sadness and rage. The desire is to unleash and break something. The impulse to break out and break free….just plain break something but I know it not wise this time around.

Perhaps this current inspiration to write this here is the result of all that has come into my awareness at a deeper level lately. There have been epiphanies and deeper realizations of how I choose and create my reality. How what I focus on comes into my life and how all that I project out in the form of thoughts and judgments with the fuel of emotion is now what is seen before me.

In all honesty it is actually quite good. And yet here I am again, though I am feeling blessed with all the love of my family, wonderful supportive friends, and the love of a woman who takes me right to my heart in a way that I haven’t fully gone to in a long while the pain remains.

So why this depression, this feeling of frustration and pain….the unwanted visitor that comes to me and spins me out so that everything falls apart. All that I have worked to build and accomplish becomes stagnate with opportunities to proceed from my efforts potentially missed. Like paddling out to a wave just about to catch it and something pulls me down.

Lately I have gained some control over this as it is more of a, I am still on the surface of the ocean type thing, but the wave passes and I see all those that have caught it…Honestly, I sometimes wonder which is worse but I do delight in their play and enjoyment. It warms my dark mind and activates me into my heart to really see people doing what they love and living free.

I know I will get there too. I just need to break the mental groove in my head and the wake of its undertow which holds me in fear.  The subconscious groove or gutter of past thoughts that there dwells all I have created. That which may have served me long ago but now only houses the thought forms and limitations that visit me now.

Is it all mind stuff and the darkness is my own making. Will my world and the one around me change if I can catch my visitors and cast them out? Will I catch up with those who have done this and freed themselves from restriction and pain?

I will do it tonight and the next day and again and again until there is a new groove which will not be a gutter.

May you know inner harmony and external peace,

Jason

Come Home to Your Heart

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“Come home to your heart” This is the message that was given to me recently by a beloved ancestor who had passed on a while ago. With that I find myself in Love alone.

No one is really alone but that statement is related to something I am literally sitting with lately, Love. This is a deep Love for someone that turns to pain when I leave my heart space feeling. I go into my head and feel the need to have this person close to me and this creates pain and frustration not because it is a totally unobtainable feat but because being with them his not healthy for me or them at this time.

There is nothing wrong with them merely that our pain rubs up against each other making things volatile and explosive. I can sometimes go into anger at this. There was so much potential and connection between us. Since it didn’t work out I want to blame them for this longing and pain but that is just my mind falling back on a harmful and destructive protection mechanism.

I see this dynamic played out tragically all over the world since the beginning of time. How love can turn to darkness and pain and in extreme cases some very destructive suffering of others on a mass scale.

Is Love everything? Perhaps it is. I believe many of the horrible things in the world are done from a distortion of love. A longing for something that already exists as a feeling but it is pushed into control and ownership for safety. When this isn’t obtained in that mental realm it is often the cause of some ugly behavior.

Like the Buddhist say there is a need to let go and allow. That attachment is the root of all suffering. It is all mind stuff.I am seeing more and more what they mean as my journey unfolds.

We all have pain we carry and we all have developed ways to deal with that. These coping mechanisms do not always mesh well with others. Especially if our partner or loved one has a similar pain or they use a defense mechanism that triggers the other person’s past issues with a parent/significant figure in their life. So many of us are operating from a wounded child place because that is when we developed the tool. It is subconscious and rarely noticed by the individual but obvious to all around them.

Many of us are actively working to correct that in therapy, healing, dance, art, groups, and meditation just to name a few. For me it is a struggle I have put a great deal of work into and I now help others on this brave path. I have yet to fully heal myself if that is even possible but I really strive to use my tools and stay disciplined in being the person I want to be in the world.

What I am realizing is that Love is the ability to feel deeply vulnerable while not trying to control or own any external representation of it in order to alleviate that unbounded vulnerability. Fear of that vulnerability is to fear truly being in a place of Love.

To be vulnerable is to be open and connected to what is and it can feel very raw and painful. My tendency in the past was to want to run away from that “weird” feeling in various forms the strongest of which was to feel sad or angry about what is not in my life in the way I want it to be. I am realizing that the way it is in my life is perfect and if I stay with that vulnerability I can really connect and have love for that person and in turn myself and others I meet. I do not need to be with her in a traditional sense I can appreciate what I have with her and be ok that it is enough. This is how we tear down the walls that have been built to protect our hearts from being hurt.

I could be angry at all the things I didn’t get and how they have just picked up and moved on without me but truthfully I see how grateful I am at what we had and experienced. She is still in my life and I can be there with that interaction as it comes. I would truly be sad without her but maybe even this could be worked on as I progress.

I wonder if we are in Love with the person or just that feeling of Love that is ever present when it is connected to. How the connection to it is usually the result of some external thing but it is there when we go to visit that raw place. I can really feel this Love in my heart right now and I am working to make it my home. I am letting go of all the pain, fighting and blame that used to “protect” me from it when I would run to my head to remove the vulnerability.

From this place I may finally find my healing and the external representation of that in a partner. Well a guy can hope anyway and it is not a bad practice to cultivate.

Thanks for reading.

May you know the power of strong vulnerability and the Love that lives there,

Jason

Showing Up

The wave I was riding a while back crashed. I found myself tumbling for a while into a familiar abyss sinking slowly down until I finally started to remember who I am. I have since resurfaced, regained my breath and am now back up looking for the next big one.

This analogy truly describes how I see the ups and downs of life. I will catch an awesome wave and everything is great and inevitably the ride always seems to end. Admittedly, I will often bail or wipe out before it does for various reasons I am still working on but each time I learn a lot. Each time the ride lasts a little longer and is a little sweeter. Well this last time I wiped out pretty hard but resurfaced with a very profound insight.

The epiphany is something that is probably totally obvious and long known to others but I now see it fully beyond just an intellectual concept. The “it” is the knowing that though it may appear to be true there is no perfect person. There is no one Being who has mastered reality here. It is just people doing the best they can often trying to deal with the sometimes extreme pain and confusion they have experienced. The ironic thing is that those experiences which cause so much pain are often the very things that seem to make a person so powerful and interesting. Like one’s will being tempered in the fires of life.

I know it sounds ridiculous to believe in a perfect person but for me it was a necessity to think like this. I needed to believe that there were people that found a way to overcome their traumatic conditioning, had found a way to control their ego desires and frustrations, and could maintain their cool despite what happened around them. That there were people that attained self-mastery. When I realized that this was not true it shattered me. That supernatural possibility was what I strove to become so as to fix myself and to attain my highest potential. I feel it is still possible but the bar isn’t so naively high now.

I now have a little better understanding of what the limitation is here as a human. I bet Jesus was probably often depressed and Gandhi was probably a dick from time to time but what made them great are all the times they pulled it together and showed up. I can now give myself permission to not need to be perfect or beat myself up when I fall short. I can allow myself compassion and understanding when I do. I can just surrender to being human rather than try to be this perfect being that never loses his temper or doesn’t drink or always says the right thing. I can be free to be me and not apologize if it upsets someone else. I can be quite and hold my center without trying to help others feel better. The caveat to this is that I still show up when it really counts and pull it together when people genuinely need me. Like those electric moments of deep release and vulnerability that permeates the environment. When a strange silence fills the air and time seems to stand still. Those times when there is an opportunity to shift the very core of something or someone in a positive direction.

The best part of my realization is that I have also found it much easier to allow others their attempts at this perfection without wanting to ridicule them in the times they fail. I have increased my compassion for what I used to think were people faking it. I can let it go easier when I see through what I used to think was a façade but now simply understand that most of them are genuinely trying to be that and how wrong it is to discourage it or have ill will towards that person.

I can now let go of my illusions I have about the many great men and women who seem to have it all together realizing it is just them pulling it together when it really counts. I now know it is impossible to do all the time but still hold out hope for all of humanity that it happens most of the time.

I am reminded of something I discovered long ago and will leave you with this.

Attaining enlightenment is easy the difficulty is in maintaining it.

May you be free to enjoy your life and always show up at your best when it counts,

Jason

My Epic Adventure part 2

Heart Reclamation

We flew back to England the morning after our encounter with the dolphins in Scotland. Once there we picked up a really great rental car called a Vauxhall Insignia (aka Opel). I loved this car. It was fast and had a lot of torque off the line because of the diesel engine and with the 6 speed manual transmission it was great for cruising fast on the freeway.

People drive really fast over there. You just have to watch out for the speed cameras. My only complaint about the car was that it would stall any time you let it idle or bog down in between gears because of the fuel saving engine cut off. Not a very cool option.

I am really spoiled after having driven over in Europe. The style is totally different beyond just the driving on the other side of the road thing in the UK. People actually get out of your way. They move over when you want to pass even on two lane roads. If you happen to pass someone with oncoming traffic the cars just move over to the shoulder. There isn’t this massive freak out like they need to play chicken because someone is in “their lane”. I really miss that about Europe, not only the UK but France and Greece as well.

We stopped at Mirbai’s dad’s apartment but he wasn’t there. A woman that looks after him and cleans the place let us in. He had a lot of the art work on the walls that he has made over the years. They were paintings and mosaics of mostly religious themes. We left the gifts we had brought for him there and drove down the road to the store she said he was at. We found him out in front of it looking at something. He was a short man a bit hunched over and slow moving but with a very sunny disposition. He was very excited to see his daughter but a bit confused when we conversed with him. He seems to have a bit of the beginnings of dementia.

We were successful in talking him into going to a pub other than his favorite. The one we found was a really great place called the Carpenters arms. A very popular spot in the small village we found it in.

The pubs seem to be like the heart of a community in most of the villages in the UK. Places to meet, talk, drink and eat good food. This one was no exception. The food was excellent. I learned a lot about the English and their love for protocols and traditions at this place. There seems to be a very strict protocol in how one eats dinner. The one I noticed right away was the upside down fork thing. They balance food on the back of forks and use the left hand to cut food instead of switching hands like most Americans. This latter technique does make more sense but the balancing food on an upside down fork was hard to get my head around.

Another thing I learned, with a bit of embarrassment, is how you are not to move the plates when done. Usually I will take a plate to move it closer to the end of the table for the waiter. This is actually considered rude and not helpful to do so as in the US.

Also, one should never eat dessert until everyone is done eating. In fact they will not bring it. This is something that confused me as to why the cheese plate wasn’t brought out after I requested it twice. The first realization with how different things are was when I had first tried to order it as an appetizer and they looked at me like I was a madman.

Later, they were baffled by my continued request to have it after dinner before everyone is done eating. Cheese is often considered a desert or palette cleanser before sweets.  They did eventually bring it before Mira’s dad finished. I was told by Mirabai about the tradition at that point. I felt very embarrassed and understood how Americans could be considered so rude by such ignorance. It also explained why her dad kept apologizing for taking so long to eat. It was a very long time but he was very much enjoying his food which we were all happy to see. It did look good, some kind of meat pie with a bunch of lard in the crust.

We dropped dad off at home and headed up to see the place of my birth, Lakenheath Air force base. We were almost detained after I posed for a picture with the main gate in the background. I remember thinking “Oh man this is bad” when the older guy radioed someone asking if he should brief and release or detain?

Thankfully, we were free to go after they looked over our passports, asked some questions and had us delete the photos. Afterwards they even pointed out a spot where we could take a picture. It isn’t as great as the first one. Even the younger of the two soldiers who questioned us commented on how great the first one was. I was really glad he was there as the other guy seemed very intense and one of those people who is like a dog of war just trying to always please people in authority to the point of blind obedience. Something I consider very dangerous.

We were then off to meet Mirabai’s son Cosmo. I was a bit worried by this but when we first met he gave me a big hug and I felt very welcomed and excepted. The drive up was fun but also very scary at parts. There were a lot of single track roads and especially tight ones just before Cosmos village. It was really hard to see beyond the tall hedges. There were also some extremely narrow places along the road were only one car could barely squeeze through.

We had a great stay with Cosmo. The first day we went go kart racing in Milton Keynes. It was a very strange place much like my friend who lived there described it years ago. It seemed to be comprised of these massive bubbles of neighborhoods all a bit isolated from each other even though they were all connected.

It felt as though there wasn’t much sense of community in this place just a bunch of houses and things to do that cost money. Perhaps the lacking of old family owned pubs was the reason for this. It really struck me odd has to how many things there was to do in the area like two go kart tracks, rock climbing, kayaking, mini golf and a plethora of corporate dining establishments. But again, the common theme was all things that cost money. It was like someone’s grand design of pulling people in around an area like a consumptive model business ideas. From a cognitive perspective it was ingenious but felt soulless and without heart. The main intention seemed to me about money and the creation definitely reflected that.

I did some energy work while sitting on the massive mound next to the go-kart track waiting for our turn to race. I saw a bunch of grids and symbols so I brought in some good energy from Hawaii and whatever I felt was needed in that place. Mostly heart, Aloha.

I did really well racing. I finished 4th out of like 15 people and was first out of all the people who didn’t bring their own helmet or racing suit. Cosmo finished just in front of me. Mirabai was really impressed by both of us and seemed very proud. It was a lot of fun and something I really enjoyed. I was also pleased that Mira got to see me do so well. She was a great support during the whole thing; she took pictures and cheered us on as we went by.

There was a man talking to her while we were racing but I never had concern about her loyalty to me. I felt very safe and supported to enjoy myself without worrying about her or our relationship. It is such a beautiful thing to trust and feel so supported. I am truly grateful for her presence in my life. She really is an incredible woman.

That night we watched some stand up movie Mirabai wanted to watch and munched on stuff we picked up at the store. We picked up her daughter Millie the next day at the train station. We met her with coffee we picked up down the street. There of course was a heart there that Mirabai took a picture of as is her practice for her instagram I see love everywhere.

Millie was pretty tired and had a bit of a cold so we just took it easy that day. We wound up mostly just hanging out around the house then went and had a bite to eat and some coffee at a cool little outdoor café that was part of a farm in Cosmos tiny village. It was the place we had been getting our coffee each morning.

We dropped Millie back off at the train station. She gave me a hug and told me to take care of her mom. It felt a bit like both a warning and a blessing. She and Cosmo seemed very different. She is very into the world of finance, making money and a name for her-self, uninterested in Cosmos awareness of the various conspiracy knowledge which I am also in agreement with. It seems they may have had many discussions about it and she may even believe it too at some level but wants to play the game for a bit.

Hopefully, she doesn’t get too burned out or used up by the system. She seems to be doing very well in it. She later came to visit us in Hawaii for Mirabai’s birthday. They went Swimming with dolphins and we all went out to the lava flow and watched the sun set on the top of Mauna Kea. We had a blast and both of us missed her a great deal after she left.

What seemed like a disaster was actually a blessing when while driving the Vauxhall I miss calculated how close I was to the curb and scratched the wheel up pretty bad. Luckily Cosmo works at a Maserati restoration shop so we were able to go there to get some sand paper and metal polish. It was actually really great that I did curb the wheel because the shop was a great highlight for the trip. It was in a small little village near Cosmos. A very unassuming building but inside was literally millions of dollars or pounds worth of automobiles. Not only the cars that were being worked on like one worth over 2 million pounds but a whole little museum filled with old motorcycles and cars fully restored.

Apparently, this Maserati shop is very famous and well respected in the automotive world. I was able to fix the wheel which turned out looking very good. We turned the car in to the rental company without any trouble. Mirabai was happy about that and impressed that I was able to fix it. I myself was very relieved and proud to be able to draw upon some of my previous experience and skill in working with cars.

Early the next morning we were off to Stansted airport to fly to Marseille with the flight leaving at 6:45am. We missed our flight and had to wait till that afternoon to catch the next one. Luckily we were flying business class so we didn’t have to pay any extra. I was all ready to just hang out at the airport, having found a place where we could lay out on a bunch of seats. Mirabai was really tired and wanted a proper place to sleep so she booked a really nice hotel close by and we got some much needed rest.

On the flight over to France I spent a lot of the time writing my personal essay for the Argosy Marriage and Family therapy master’s degree scholarship which I wound up winning first place for and am now enrolled in the program.

Just before we landed in France I was struck by the beauty of the land and how familiar it felt. I was filled with emotion and my eyes began to water. I felt my heart come back to me. I felt so much I was speechless. I was holding back from fully letting go in that moment. There was so much emotion and tremendous joy in reconnecting with what was left there so long ago.

Mirabai noticed how moved I was and checked in on me asking if I was ok? All I could do was node yes with a big smile on my face. I reclaimed my heart. I had left it there a couple lifetimes ago during WW1.

This was from a past life memory I was very familiar with. A salient lifetime shown to me many years prior because of the tremendous significance it has played in my journey here. It was a powerful shift for me not only in that life but for all the thousands of others that preceded it. It was a final undeniable realization that I was killing my own brothers.

I was fighting people who were just like me over some bullshit because certain men couldn’t get along. I was a pawn in one of the most destructive games played out on this planet.

I remember in that life laying on my back and just letting go. Apparently, I decided to leave a big piece of my heart there on that land in France. The specific aspect of losing heart was not known or clear to me until that moment when returning to France. This of course is all an energetic.

It seems I went a bit too far in that lifetime. It was as if I no longer wanted to feel that level of love and connection to things that through manipulation impassioned me to go out to fight and kill for. The love of family and wanting to protect them from “evil”, the love of my country wanting to keep our righteous way of life alive, and the love of my fellow soldiers and wanting to keep them safe from the “enemy”.

It was all bull shit. We were fighting and dying horribly over a piece of muddy land that was often just walked away from the next day. I was creating suffering and I had done it for thousands of lifetimes. This is the one where I decided I was done playing the game and would no longer participate with it. I felt utterly betrayed.

I reclaimed what was mine simply from this awareness and being back in this beautiful country. With this integration I was able to move towards more wholeness and given the message of, “I see through the game and love the players”.

Forgiving them was not fully possible until this lifetime. Whom I speak of are those men who rally others to a cause that destroys that which is beautiful and vulnerable in the world. I see how I was them for many lifetimes. I see how I was misled by forces that overwhelm men of ego and desire in order to try and separate us all from harmony.

So that is a big part of my epic adventure. There is more I could share like the extremely uncomfortable experience of being in the Istanbul airport 24 hours before an attempted coup but I don’t really feel like writing about that.

We did go to Greece, a place where my soul longs to be and feels at peace. Perhaps I will write about that someday but for now I will end it here and thank all those that have read this far.

May you reclaim all parts of self and enjoy life,

Jason

 

My Epic Adventure part 1

I decided to do a recapitulation of my recent trip to Europe. About halfway through I realized that I had material that I felt I needed to share with others because of how powerful the experiences where for me. It may not flow real well but perhaps you may find all the subtle energy experiences interesting.

The trip was truly an epic adventure just as I intended. Earlier in the year I intuitively gave myself what I now call and offer to others as Intention and Manifestation sessions.

I had set aside an hour and created sacred space in order to ask myself a series of questions designed to focus intention on what I wanted out of this life as voiced through my HigherSelf. This isn’t the mind or ego desires but more intuitive and feeling although the ego would be happy with many of them.

I arrived in London at 7:10am after traveling all the way from the Big Island Hawaii. Met up with my girlfriend and fellow adventurer Mirabai whom I wrote of in my previous post. We grabbed some food then went to the airport Yotel to get some much needed sleep and physical reconnection.

A Yotel is a hotel where you pay by the hour which Mirabai assured me was pretty legit but when we got there it had a slimy kind of vibe. There was pink light everywhere and this kind of Japanese cartoon thing going on. It was actually very nice and a cool set up but not really energetically comfortable staying there. Perhaps it was merely the setting reminding me of a sleazy downtown rent by the hour place but I really did feel a ton of sexual energy in that space. It made for a great reunion but at the same time it wasn’t what I would call pure hearted or even heart involved type sex energy there. I feel we still maintained that and perhaps this helped balance and clear the density from that place. Not only the Yotel but also for the whole land of the United Kingdom. Working to bring in more heart to a land that has been credited with being the center of what is called the NRG grid.

This energy grid system is designed to create sexual misery and separation in humans. I do not speak of this much these days but could not help thinking about the information I studied while part of Lisa Renee’s online community. I was not too concerned but have had enough experience with such things to know it wise to be cautious and certainly not to go into autopilot in such an environment. This would show up as very strong emotions or thoughts that impulse one to do or say things in an extreme manner or in ways other than what they usually experience.

We took a flight that same day to Edinburgh. When we arrived I was surprised to see how much Scotland looked like Washington State where I grew up. It was gray and rainy with a lot of the same vegetation.

We stayed right in Edinburgh at Mirabai’s friend’s house. It was a really old 5 story town home that she used to live in. It was actually quite haunted but she kept the stuff away from me that night so I could sleep. I got up early and took some pictures of the sunrise from the rooftop. We walked around town and grabbed some breakfast.

Eventually we found our way to Edinburgh castle. I felt a ton of energy while walking through the main gate. Physically I felt dizzy and like I was being pushed over. I often feel this in places where a lot of energy is consolidated or where some heavy emotion was experienced. This could be from one person or in this case extremely strong from multiple past experiences and other energies that can accumulate in an area.

The best way this awareness of energy was described to me long ago was through the analogy of cutting an onion on a cutting board. The onion can be removed and everything looks clean but anything that is placed on that spot will taste of the onion.

When we went to the room above this gate I felt terror, a needing to keep an enemy away. This “Oh my God, here they come and I need to get out of here but I can’t leave”. I just sat with it and brought in an energy of letting go of needing to battle and releasing the desperate survival fears. It was like an internal surrender that I often have to do when faced with extreme fear. I simply felt without resistance and mental judgment, letting go of that feeling of fear about being destroyed and embracing my knowing/feeling of safety no matter what may happen to the physical body. The foundation for all of this is in the breath.

When I got stable with the heavy energies I called in more freedom from survival fears not only for this room but for the whole of the planet. Survival fears control people and cause them to give up on their passion, dreams, and connections with others. I intended the creation of some vortexes which I saw taking that heavy trapped energy out and back up to Source/Universe, basically out way up high where it can mix and blend to become something different once again.

Energy does not like to be stuck, its natural nature is to flow and move and so there is always space to assist it in that when the time is right through the power of conscious neutral witnessing.

To get even more specific, the energy signature of a place like this was very much about being trapped, stuck, no way out to survive. That was the key concern and flavor of the energy but the effect on people can be very different. Places like this can perpetuate continued misery with a similar energy that plays out in a mired of ways over the course of history. This influence can extend beyond a room or Castle.

I knew it was not just my imagination or an over active mind because Mirabai had an over-whelming experience of claustrophobia and fear almost to the point of panic and had to bolt out of there as the feeling of being trapped was so strong.

Later, we found out that at one point a man had been held there overnight awaiting execution, but died in his sleep before the morning. This is the more specific aspect of the experience/energy she felt in the room.

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When I finally walked out I felt very pissed off and angry. A lot of the anger happened to center around all the people just mindlessly wandering around. I felt like they had no clue what was going on energetically here and I almost violently pushed my way through them to get out. I was still feeling a lot of the energy of the place and it took some time to clear it out of my body.

This is often how I work and have seen this with others who transmute and clear energy. Strong energy from an environment can briefly affect those sensitive to it manifesting in uncharacteristic behavior and so it requires great self control and discipline to keep impulses from that in check.

I would invite all who read this to realize that this is true for many people especially children and without tools to remove this energy people can take on things that are not theirs, such as thoughts, feelings and even action impulses.

Many of you reading this already know that when we go to places and feel what is happening, are able to be present with it and let it go it helps clean/heal that area. First clearing personal space and then one is able to affect change around them without forcing, simply harmonizing and removing an excess or blockages of various energies.

There was another section of the castle where people went to pray called St. Margaret’s chapel. It is considered one of the oldest buildings in Edinburgh from around 1250ad. This specific location was often spared during attacks.

By contrast the energy I sensed as soon as we walked in there was deeply comforting and warm. I was surprised by this. People in here seemed to feel the energy and a few where just sitting there looking as though they had been crying. This place was like the opposite of the room above the gate. It felt loving and safe and probably the last refuge of people in difficult situations. I would venture to say that there was a portal there.

Later, I learned that Edinburgh castle is claimed to be the most besieged place in Great Britain and one of the most attacked places in the world according to research showing 26 sieges over its 1100 year history.

Next we drove to Strachur. Mirabai took the wheel as it was my first time being somewhere that they drove on the left. It was really a trip experiencing that so I just wanted to watch and get my brain used to it.

We arrived at the Airbnb in Strachur near Loch Fyne which was very nice and had an amazing view from our room but the people running the Airbnb seemed super angry and guarded despite not showing much sign of this on the surface. This is really one of the most difficult types of situations for me to deal with. It is like a volcano waiting to explode and so there is this constant tension in the air, but yet nothing ever happens except forced smiles and a everything is fine veneer.

It wasn’t a very fun night as we had to be very quiet and woke up feeling like shit and angry. The morning improved when I had my first Scottish breakfast that was comprised of eggs, beans, and toast. Mirabai had some really great smoked salmon and scrambled eggs which are often eaten for breakfast in Scotland. Apparently, in the UK beans are a big part of breakfast.

I drove for my first time on the left side of the road from Strachur to Broadford on the Isle of Skye. It was really a bit of a challenge and required me to stay very present. I could actually feel parts of my brain going into overdrive working to process everything and create new neural pathways because of it being so opposite of my conditioning. I could feel this tingle like electricity moving around in there.

On the way to the Isle of Skye I had a really amazing Aberdeen Angus steak burger. I was told that Aberdeen Angus cows are raised on the island of Orkney. Well treated and happy. I was a bit reluctant to have a burger at a place on the side of the road in a trailer but the man that sold it to me seemed like a really good guy and was extremely nice. He even sold the burger to me cheap with fries. I felt energized when I ate it, not the usual “Oh man, that was good but now I feel like crap for a half an hour”.

One of the highlights of the trip was when we drove through Glenn Coe where many of the MacDonald clan was killed long ago. The pass was very beautiful with high mountains and lush green grass like what is seen in Braveheart and other highland movies. The ground was very wet and marshy making our shoes wet while getting the picture seen below. I could only imagine how annoying that would get walking around with wet feet all the time.

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In Broadford on the Isle of Skye we stayed at an Airbnb that was an old farm house with a father and daughter running it. They seemed very aware and had done a lot of energy work around the place so we didn’t have too many problems with energetic disturbances. We actually heard them doing some kind of chant or mantra while we were having sex which Mirabai thought was magical, although I worried that perhaps they didn’t like the energy or something.They were nice but didn’t get much time to talk with the daughter.

The father, an older man in his 80’s chatted with us over tea in the old kitchen with an ancient cast iron range. He revealed that he had meditated a great deal for many years. He told us about his life and growing up believing that he was the son of a man who really wasn’t his father. When he finally found out the truth it was extremely shocking to him. The majority of this seemed mostly because of the fact that he was raised to tell the truth and couldn’t believe such a lie could be perpetuated at his expense.

He shared some of his awareness about the paranormal but said he never saw any fairies where they lived. He did share in a moment of vulnerability that he could communicate with animals.

I didn’t really notice much subtle energy stuff the whole time we were in Skye perhaps one must go further north to experience that which is on the edge of the veil such as fairies and other mythological characters.

The next day we headed out to the Donald center. It was cool but not really the connection I had hoped for with my lineage. It was a place where a portion of the MacDonald clan had consolidated their power and wealth creating a home. What I got while visiting there was that I could do this as well, that I will step out, pull everything together and create. That was the piece I got from there. I will create wealth as they did by consolidating all my resources and abilities.

We then drove over towards Inverness and spent the night at Strathpeffer but not before we went to the beach at Chanonry Point near Cromarty firth where dolphins are said to be seen. It was extremely windy there. We walked around for a while not seeing anything.

I was drawn to stand at the very point of the beach where it made a sharp turn and went towards town. It was a very powerful spot where both the wind and the waves seemed to be the most strong. I faced the powerful wind and anchored myself into the sand in a centered tai chi stance.

I felt all that was around me and delighted in the power and connection. I was exhilarated by the feeling of being almost blown over but simply allowing the energy to flow down trough me maintaining my balance while swaying with the wind. I looked out over the ocean and invited the dolphins to come visit us. I saw nothing and so we decided to walk down along the shore towards the town talking and admiring the various different kinds of rocks on the beach.

We doubled back just before reaching the town. On the way back as we approached the point we had been before we noticed a crowd had gathered. The closer we got the more our hearts sang and my brain was perplexed by the appearance of many dolphins in the very spot we had stood less than an hour before.

The dolphins seemed to be hunting and jumping up in the air. It took great willpower and my continued expressed concern for her safety to keep Mirabai out of the sea. The waves there where extremely strong and it looked as though a powerful current might be in that area. This seemed of little concern in the briefest of moments when feeling her immense joy and love for these beings.

She managed to just interact from the beach even though at times the dolphins were a mere 40 yards from where we stood. I thanked them and especially the Universe as is my practice anytime I experience such “coincidences”.

More to come….

May you always know the adventure that is your life,

Jason

Love and Laughter

dolphinswimIt has been a long while since I have posted anything in this blog. There is so much to share. For the first time I find myself creating and manifesting things that I truly desire. These are things that bring me great joy and pleasure. They increase my bliss but at the same time terrify me. This terror, I am realizing, is more simply being excited and open in ways I have never been.

More background is in order to really tell this story. Not to get too much into the past but I realize that so much of what I tried to create before was contingent on specifics and what would fit into my comfort zone which honestly wasn’t a whole lot. I see now how things I want to experience bring up fear just before they happen and I almost bail on them. No wonder many never even showed up. It wasn’t until I kept doing other things that scared me that they could even appear.

I see the fear as a big part of why things didn’t come my way. The fear is so much less for me now for I truly believe that we are now living on a planet that will support those who step out and stand in their power. What used to make us open targets for simply living our truth and being/doing what we came here to do upset others. Those others can be people or often more specifically an energy that works through them.

A few months back I made a stretch or goal to sit down and spend at least an hour meditating/focusing/fixating on what it is I want to experience in this life. What I want to achieve and do. I made a list of these things surprisingly easily and some steps of how to get there. Reflecting I found that these steps didn’t always get me there but feel they were important to take. The Universe saw my effort and desire. I found I have already arrived halfway down my list.

I put on my first workshop on personal energy. Something I always wanted to do but scared me. I wanted to find a girlfriend something I have spent a lifetime doing only to reject just about everyone that came my way. I opened up and embraced the gift that was in front of in the form of a truly amazing woman that is a great healer, leader, and takes people to swim with dolphins.  I am writing this at the airport awaiting a flight to London where I will meetup with this magical woman who came into my life just a short time ago. She has helped blast me into so much happiness that I am almost in tears at this writing. We are going to travel around Europe and spend time in some very special places I have always wanted to visit. This woman has shown up in my life in the most unexpected way and has opened my heart and filled it with Love and Laughter. This is the medicine that I experienced when she invited me to swim with wild dolphins recently.

There is so much more to write and more will come during this trip. Until then I want to share the most amazing and utterly unbelievable thing that happened on the last dolphin swim we did.

I swim out away from the boat looking down. The light bounces back at me from deep below in rays originating from a center that can’t be seen. Just then I look and see six or seven dolphins about 40 feet below slowly swimming straight up at me in an upward spiral motion with two dolphins dancing/mating in the center. The rays of light are coming from that place and shining right at me. It was like some ridiculous painting that one might expect to see in a new age shop that was just too intense and filled with so much joy, love and laughter that it couldn’t possibly be real. Seeing something like that I would judge that the artist is surely so touched that they are bordering on insanity. But in that moment that was what I felt. I was so blasted and stricken by this scene that I froze in a coma of bliss and realization of what I had missed. What I rejected, what I felt sure was madness in others. To live in so much magic and mystery and to see and feel it right in front of me. This was not in some other plane of existence, some subtle energy experience. That I was used to, this was right there embodied. It was a dance, a connection, a circle of divinity that was simply the nature of reality for such an advanced species that never forgot who they are. It reminded me of home and of what I want in my life.

I create my circle and I embrace that Love and Laughter.

May you live in Love and Laughter,

Jason

Bullying Energy in the Body

I recently asked for assistance in addressing my fear of intimacy, more specifically, romantic intimacy. I still seem to have a great deal of worry about what will happen in those situations. This goes beyond just mental stress and negative thoughts. It is like a feeling of being trapped or controlled. The paradox is that I often feel even more alone when I am with someone.

In my past I had unconsciously sabotaged relationships. I always kept people at a certain distance especially if it was a romantic one. The few rare cases when I didn’t freak out were when I knew that particular woman I was with wasn’t going to be around for very long. In those cases in true masochistic form I would surrender and be totally open and get crushed. I of course didn’t recognize this pattern for quite some time.

I have come a long way with my emotionally isolating behavior but yet the fear still remains. The strongest aspect of this fear is that I will repeat a pattern of being distant or emotionally reactive to another so as to create space. I can control a lot of it but the energy of the situations often feels overpowering.

In this session or work I was taken back to my childhood. I am 5 years old and there is a boy lying on top of me. It is dark, I am scared and feeling totally powerless. I can’t move at all I am being crushed. I feel like I am dying. Revisiting it I can feel how terrifying it was and how empty I felt. My inner light felt snuffed out. I didn’t remember any of this until this moment.

The boy is telling me I am nothing over and over again or at least that is the core belief that has been implanted in me from the experience. He laughs and I feel dead.

As the man I am today I symbolically pull the bully off of my child self and lift him up. I explain what happened to him and how that won’t happen again. I reassure him and give him what he needs as I totally breakdown crying while saying it. I give him and myself a new message. I clear it from my body and most importantly I remove the energy from my current station of identity. I removed the dark cloak of “you are nothing” from my physical and energetic bodies. With continued work in daily life it will no longer be a location of disempowerment or food for that which feeds on such low negative energy.

I see now how I had carried this traumatic experience in my body my whole life without even knowing. It was a worry and deep fear that at any moment someone was going to come along and take everything from me. They would make me feel like nothing, that I have no power to do anything and that I will die.

I now see it more clearly as a dark heavy energy that kept me from wanting to stand out, to own my gifts and abilities but most of all show my joy for life. I had often felt I had to tone everything down so I wouldn’t make someone jealous or upset. This is what I feel happened with the boy that smothered me and made me feel totally helpless. A feeling I never wanted again so I kept myself small. The interesting thing is that boy, whoever he was, probably has no idea how much that had impacted me. To him I was probably just some kid that annoyed him and so he allowed impulses to direct his behavior.

Scratching at a trauma memory is an opportunity to release the stuck energy in the body and give certain parts of self a different perspective from a place of a more mature awareness.  It is often childhood memories of experiences that can now be viewed differently. In the best case scenario, these situations can be healed from a place of empathy for the person or persons involved.

The key to a successful integration is to have an empowered stance to embody when the pattern reappears. Through the power of conscious awareness (Consciousness, Intent, Focus, Now Moment Presence) the traumatic pattern can be overridden once the energy in the body is released.

In that moment of re-experiencing trauma anything can be implanted in a person. They are there, it is alive and so taking it past that to a place of comfort and empowerment then anchoring that in with a tool such as an affirmation, visualization, feeling in the body, or specific movement will draw that more empowered energy in when the old trigger sets in.

I share these things as a Being who is willing to go to those dark spaces within so as to be better and has helped others do the same. I am grateful to all that assist me in that goal. You know who you are!

I feel I now have a “why” for when I start to freak out in relationships. Even better than the “why” I now have a tool to use in the form of an affirmation. If I remember to be conscious in those moments, it can pull me out of that undesired pattern. “I am safe with my Heart”

May you always feel safe with your Heart,

Jason