Connecting

My dog Daisy ran off when someone lit off some Thanksgiving fireworks. I know right? She was lost for over two weeks but has since returned. I wanted to share what had happened and what I experienced through this time of being without my dog. I was amazed at how helpful everyone was and the outpouring of heart energy from everyone who heard about her being lost. I feel truly blessed to know so many great people and to see all those animal lovers in the world. I really saw a lot of heart around me.

I really appreciate how my brother Michael and his wife Christina were there for me. I have a hard time asking for help and they showed up in a big way making it much easier. They did an awesome job on the internet looking for her and helping with flyers! I had so much apathy to work through to do all the things I knew needed to happen at a material level such as posting on various places on the web, putting up flyers, contacting shelters, driving around all over one of the largest housing developments in the U.S. calling her name and squeaking her dog toy. I had to let go of being embarrassed or wanting to hide from new people. I had to engage and ask. When all that was carried out a number of times some part of me must have felt free to move to the next level.

That next level was extremely powerful. Many people were praying and communicating with Daisy. I witnessed a few people look at daisy’s picture and say “Come home Daisy”. This was powerful, it helped me remember I can do that. I can communicate in that way especially when looking at someone’s picture.

There is an ability that we all have to tune into the energy and frequency of another being by simply intending to do so and then focusing. Belief makes it stronger and confirmation will arrive with patience. It happens all the time but most people dismiss it. Thinking of someone then they text or call. Were you thinking of them or were they thinking of you? Truth is it doesn’t matter. It is the same.

The night before Daisy came back. The sadness hit me a different way that night. I let go and felt a clarity and a knowing that I was finally fully ready for her to come home. It was like a window beyond all my indecisive cognitive and emotional interference about the situation. I made a decision on how to move forward when she can home. I looked at her picture and tuned into her energy. I told her, “I miss you and want you to come home. I don’t know where you are. I didn’t leave you with those people and won’t be able to come get you. You are going to have to find your way back”. I had to really feel through the pain and sadness to a place of genuine connection with her own energy signature.

Then the next day she just showed up back at my brother’s place where she had run off from. When she got back, she was very tired and hungry. She must have been getting food from somewhere because she is not as thin as you might expect after being gone for over two weeks. There is a large cut on her leg which opened up exposing a lot of flesh but she took good care of it herself. The vet said it is about a week old and it is best to let it continue to heal on its own.

I am so happy she is back. She has been with me for almost 8 years now. We have lived in Arizona, Washington and now Hawaii together. She has melted the hearts of everyone she meets. I have never seen a dog that so many people love. I have had people who say they don’t even like dogs fall in love with her and actually let her come in their house.

Thank you for reading and for all the assistance at every level in helping her get back home.

Much Love,

Jason

 

Not Good Enough

On the shadow of “not good enough”

Those of us who work in the mental health field or really anyone who has dove into the deep dark places of emotional pain have undoubtedly become familiar with the phrase not good enough. This is a shadow and a blessing for it drives people to greatness and destruction.

The deep core negative belief of “not good enough” and its associated emotional responses are all too familiar to me. This has only intensified despite my accomplishments and expressed admirations by other amazing people around me.

Still the old pattern remains. I am I doing it well enough? What is wrong with me? I am better than this. I cannot look bad. I need to be perfect. I can do more. What I do needs to be perfect. And of course the darkest and dangerous of all….the things I am associated with need to be perfect too.

What is perfect?

In psychology, this is the wound of the Sovereign the archetypal King or Queen that must place their inner and outer kingdom in order, balance, and harmony for all parts of self to thrive.

A person healing this shame-based wound of not good enough can answer this idealized “perfect” in their minds eye but with words it is a bit more difficult.

What often shows up is a need and drive to do something that will leave everybody in awe. This awe and appreciation will create a showering of compliments that “not good enough” will never fully appreciate for deep down they do not believe what is being said. It feels good but also creates discomfort because a perfect person is also humble. Driving them to walk a razors edge of god like mastery that drives some to suicide and the fortunate to initiation.

Thanks for reading. Like this lion remember what is true about you and what your gold is.

May you walk beyond your shadow in gratitude,

Jason

Money

I am really working on letting go of my limitations in all their forms. Part of that is consciously connecting to the energy of money and allowing that energy, what Inelia Benz describes as an elemental force, to come into my life.

Inelia has freely shared a great process for connecting to this very powerful energy. As I use it the things that come up are painful and the visions are not always pleasant. The discipline is to just sit and watch them allowing the deep feeling beyond the judgement to be fully felt, realizing at the bottom what it all really is….a blessing of experience.

Reflecting later when done with the technique I can see how these experiences have solidified into unprocessed emotions masked in beliefs about money. It is no wonder there is so much intensity around this subject for so many people.

Even just doing an exercise like this will no doubt cause people to say what about inviting love and joy into your life? Well believe me I am doing that too and that is even scarier sometimes. It is a much more vulnerable process for me.

With all this processing about money an epiphany came to me today that money strongly represents an aspect of the element of ether. Many know the elements of fire, water, air, and earth but lesser known is that of ether. An unseen force all around us of which anything can manifest. It has been described as the human equivalent of the water a fish swims in.

Here is a link to Inelia’s website and the technique if you would like to try it out yourself. Feel free to share your experience with me if you like.

I will add that each day I do this I notice something different happening around me.

https://ineliabenz.com/self-empowerment-resources/reconnecting-spirit-money/

May you feel through to your knowing,

Jason

The Rut

 

Sitting on the lanai he drinks his first drink of a beer knowing it isn’t going to help him. He has gone rounds with this addiction for a long time, conquered it succumbed again and again. Now after 15 years of work he drinks like a “normal person” but tonight he knows he is pushing it.

He is reaching to self-medicate. He knows he won’t go over his self-imposed limit of 3 to 4 beers in fact he only has two usually but this first one is from a place of desperation and the hope that it will dissipate his pain knowing deep inside it has never made it any better especially the next day.

He is frustrated and feeling defeated. His men’s group didn’t seem to help much tonight, the run he went on didn’t really help, the meditation he did that morning really didn’t accomplish anything. He drinks the beer and says fuck it. But as he pulls it away from his lips he has an almost uncontrollable impulse to launch the thing into the trees but he catches that.

Perhaps the mediation did help a bit. It gave him that split second amount of time to think, “Do I really want to throw this? Do I want to restart that pattern again too? His mind shows him the memory of throwing a beer bottle from the front door of his apartment long ago taking mild pleasure in the distance it took to get it all the way down the hill to land mashing into pieces in the middle of the highway below. He remembers this was a regular occurrence coming home late from the bar feeling alone and frustrated.

“No, I will just hold onto it”.

He decides to check in, to dive into himself where that impulse came from, realizing that it is another part of him that was wanting to take control. “What do you want?” he asks internally.

The message comes very quick and clear, “I want to fuck, to fight and to have fun. I am cooped up and going crazy!”

He gets it, realizing how much of his life this last year has been about getting things done, being a good man, doing what is right. He mentor’s youth in the schools for God’s sake he needs to be pleasant and kind and hold space. He can’t force or get upset when someone pokes at him.

He uses the dreaded modeling of vulnerability on a daily basis. There is a need to be unconditionally loving or in the jargon of psychology to show unconditional positive regard.

That is the discipline and he is happy to do it but another part is fucking dying while craving adventure, excitement, and danger. It wants to live free and out in the world without boundaries and all the formal communication pleasantries. Enough with the good man stuff already.

“How can we do those things without going to jail?” He asks the wild part. He realizes this is just an excuse to live small and safe. He could go out and see what is out in the little part of the world he lives in but he is afraid.

Afraid he will meet those bad men the ones that don’t seem to feel anything but anger and jealousy. Those men that value respect but rarely give it. Those that want to destroy anything different that challenges their comfort or threatens their alpha position.

He is afraid of being laughed at and ridiculed by others. He fears the stares and the energy that is directed his way. The very reason why he found so much comfort in alcohol long ago. He could numb that gift of his.

He could still feel and sense but the reaction was gone and he was in control. Flowed with the energies around him and delighted in being able to sense his surroundings but this was short lived and the result of the distortion from living in a shell and hiding during much of his youth.

So he drinks his beer and sits in silence on his lanai. Hoping someday things will be different.

If only he could utilize all the things he has learned, applied the laws/lore that are so well known to him yet fail to bring the outcomes he desires. He faces yet again the pain of almost there, the shadow of not good enough, and the pain of longing for something he can’t even describe anymore.

The term lanai is used instead of porch or deck as he lives in Hawaii, he has unique house that is very affordable, warm weather all year, lots of people that care about him, ability to get in the ocean anytime of year and a rewarding job. Yet his restlessness continues. Just a pattern

May you know and break free of what holds you,

Jason

What Hardens a Man’s Heart?

The problem with a heart is that it can break be torn and leave us feeling deep pain and longing for what once gave us so much joy and happiness.

A man may try to avoid this by shutting down some of that joy when he feels it again, he may seek out fake joy in drugs and alcohol hoping that it will at least make the pain go away, he may finally find a partner that brings him joy but he may never allow himself to fully love him or her and will try to control that person to keep from feeling the pain he felt long ago when something he loved left or was destroyed.

A man may become so good at keeping himself from feeling pain in his heart that overtime he losses that connection to it. He loses that which makes him a loving human being and kills his heart. If he does this enough times he may no longer feel the aches and pains but he also no longer feels love and connection with those around him. This is the black heart.

He suffers a different pain. A pain of disconnection from himself and others. This pain strongly affects those around him although he may not notice it for a long time. He will wonder why he cannot relate to women, why his children find him cold and distant and why he is so uncomfortable around other men. He may feel very guarded around people and always ready for a fight.

In this distorted disconnected pain he instead seeks his happiness in things that he can own and control. And so there is a shell of pain around his heart and this is why it hurts to go there and reconnect in the beginning after it has been long suppressed.

The heart is a muscle and like every muscle it tears and rips, but each time it is made stronger through the process when it is allowed to heal. Just like the pain you feel when you work out so it is with the heart. The heart of the warrior feels the pain and knows he can withstand it. He feels it to heal it. He fearlessly lives though he may lose it all and in the grand scheme of things he will indeed. But know that the experience is always retained.

May you always be connected to your heart,

Jason

Unwanted Visitor

I sit and contemplate my tortured fate…..wait….

Is it really?

No not at all.

Then why do I feel like this yet again?

It is there again that familiar anger and frustration. The familiar feeling that I am about to explode but can’t. I feel stuck in my body and forced to be where I am. I am forced to face the path I have placed myself on unable to let go and accept what is. This brings sadness and rage. The desire is to unleash and break something. The impulse to break out and break free….just plain break something but I know it not wise this time around.

Perhaps this current inspiration to write this here is the result of all that has come into my awareness at a deeper level lately. There have been epiphanies and deeper realizations of how I choose and create my reality. How what I focus on comes into my life and how all that I project out in the form of thoughts and judgments with the fuel of emotion is now what is seen before me.

In all honesty it is actually quite good. And yet here I am again, though I am feeling blessed with all the love of my family, wonderful supportive friends, and the love of a woman who takes me right to my heart in a way that I haven’t fully gone to in a long while the pain remains.

So why this depression, this feeling of frustration and pain….the unwanted visitor that comes to me and spins me out so that everything falls apart. All that I have worked to build and accomplish becomes stagnate with opportunities to proceed from my efforts potentially missed. Like paddling out to a wave just about to catch it and something pulls me down.

Lately I have gained some control over this as it is more of a, I am still on the surface of the ocean type thing, but the wave passes and I see all those that have caught it…Honestly, I sometimes wonder which is worse but I do delight in their play and enjoyment. It warms my dark mind and activates me into my heart to really see people doing what they love and living free.

I know I will get there too. I just need to break the mental groove in my head and the wake of its undertow which holds me in fear.  The subconscious groove or gutter of past thoughts that there dwells all I have created. That which may have served me long ago but now only houses the thought forms and limitations that visit me now.

Is it all mind stuff and the darkness is my own making. Will my world and the one around me change if I can catch my visitors and cast them out? Will I catch up with those who have done this and freed themselves from restriction and pain?

I will do it tonight and the next day and again and again until there is a new groove which will not be a gutter.

May you know inner harmony and external peace,

Jason

Come Home to Your Heart

tree

“Come home to your heart” This is the message that was given to me recently by a beloved ancestor who had passed on a while ago. With that I find myself in Love alone.

No one is really alone but that statement is related to something I am literally sitting with lately, Love. This is a deep Love for someone that turns to pain when I leave my heart space feeling. I go into my head and feel the need to have this person close to me and this creates pain and frustration not because it is a totally unobtainable feat but because being with them his not healthy for me or them at this time.

There is nothing wrong with them merely that our pain rubs up against each other making things volatile and explosive. I can sometimes go into anger at this. There was so much potential and connection between us. Since it didn’t work out I want to blame them for this longing and pain but that is just my mind falling back on a harmful and destructive protection mechanism.

I see this dynamic played out tragically all over the world since the beginning of time. How love can turn to darkness and pain and in extreme cases some very destructive suffering of others on a mass scale.

Is Love everything? Perhaps it is. I believe many of the horrible things in the world are done from a distortion of love. A longing for something that already exists as a feeling but it is pushed into control and ownership for safety. When this isn’t obtained in that mental realm it is often the cause of some ugly behavior.

Like the Buddhist say there is a need to let go and allow. That attachment is the root of all suffering. It is all mind stuff.I am seeing more and more what they mean as my journey unfolds.

We all have pain we carry and we all have developed ways to deal with that. These coping mechanisms do not always mesh well with others. Especially if our partner or loved one has a similar pain or they use a defense mechanism that triggers the other person’s past issues with a parent/significant figure in their life. So many of us are operating from a wounded child place because that is when we developed the tool. It is subconscious and rarely noticed by the individual but obvious to all around them.

Many of us are actively working to correct that in therapy, healing, dance, art, groups, and meditation just to name a few. For me it is a struggle I have put a great deal of work into and I now help others on this brave path. I have yet to fully heal myself if that is even possible but I really strive to use my tools and stay disciplined in being the person I want to be in the world.

What I am realizing is that Love is the ability to feel deeply vulnerable while not trying to control or own any external representation of it in order to alleviate that unbounded vulnerability. Fear of that vulnerability is to fear truly being in a place of Love.

To be vulnerable is to be open and connected to what is and it can feel very raw and painful. My tendency in the past was to want to run away from that “weird” feeling in various forms the strongest of which was to feel sad or angry about what is not in my life in the way I want it to be. I am realizing that the way it is in my life is perfect and if I stay with that vulnerability I can really connect and have love for that person and in turn myself and others I meet. I do not need to be with her in a traditional sense I can appreciate what I have with her and be ok that it is enough. This is how we tear down the walls that have been built to protect our hearts from being hurt.

I could be angry at all the things I didn’t get and how they have just picked up and moved on without me but truthfully I see how grateful I am at what we had and experienced. She is still in my life and I can be there with that interaction as it comes. I would truly be sad without her but maybe even this could be worked on as I progress.

I wonder if we are in Love with the person or just that feeling of Love that is ever present when it is connected to. How the connection to it is usually the result of some external thing but it is there when we go to visit that raw place. I can really feel this Love in my heart right now and I am working to make it my home. I am letting go of all the pain, fighting and blame that used to “protect” me from it when I would run to my head to remove the vulnerability.

From this place I may finally find my healing and the external representation of that in a partner. Well a guy can hope anyway and it is not a bad practice to cultivate.

Thanks for reading.

May you know the power of strong vulnerability and the Love that lives there,

Jason