My Epic Adventure part 1

I decided to do a recapitulation of my recent trip to Europe. About halfway through I realized that I had material that I felt I needed to share with others because of how powerful the experiences where for me. It may not flow real well but perhaps you may find all the subtle energy experiences interesting.

The trip was truly an epic adventure just as I intended. Earlier in the year I intuitively gave myself what I now call and offer to others as Intention and Manifestation sessions.

I had set aside an hour and created sacred space in order to ask myself a series of questions designed to focus intention on what I wanted out of this life as voiced through my HigherSelf. This isn’t the mind or ego desires but more intuitive and feeling although the ego would be happy with many of them.

I arrived in London at 7:10am after traveling all the way from the Big Island Hawaii. Met up with my girlfriend and fellow adventurer Mirabai whom I wrote of in my previous post. We grabbed some food then went to the airport Yotel to get some much needed sleep and physical reconnection.

A Yotel is a hotel where you pay by the hour which Mirabai assured me was pretty legit but when we got there it had a slimy kind of vibe. There was pink light everywhere and this kind of Japanese cartoon thing going on. It was actually very nice and a cool set up but not really energetically comfortable staying there. Perhaps it was merely the setting reminding me of a sleazy downtown rent by the hour place but I really did feel a ton of sexual energy in that space. It made for a great reunion but at the same time it wasn’t what I would call pure hearted or even heart involved type sex energy there. I feel we still maintained that and perhaps this helped balance and clear the density from that place. Not only the Yotel but also for the whole land of the United Kingdom. Working to bring in more heart to a land that has been credited with being the center of what is called the NRG grid.

This energy grid system is designed to create sexual misery and separation in humans. I do not speak of this much these days but could not help thinking about the information I studied while part of Lisa Renee’s online community. I was not too concerned but have had enough experience with such things to know it wise to be cautious and certainly not to go into autopilot in such an environment. This would show up as very strong emotions or thoughts that impulse one to do or say things in an extreme manner or in ways other than what they usually experience.

We took a flight that same day to Edinburgh. When we arrived I was surprised to see how much Scotland looked like Washington State where I grew up. It was gray and rainy with a lot of the same vegetation.

We stayed right in Edinburgh at Mirabai’s friend’s house. It was a really old 5 story town home that she used to live in. It was actually quite haunted but she kept the stuff away from me that night so I could sleep. I got up early and took some pictures of the sunrise from the rooftop. We walked around town and grabbed some breakfast.

Eventually we found our way to Edinburgh castle. I felt a ton of energy while walking through the main gate. Physically I felt dizzy and like I was being pushed over. I often feel this in places where a lot of energy is consolidated or where some heavy emotion was experienced. This could be from one person or in this case extremely strong from multiple past experiences and other energies that can accumulate in an area.

The best way this awareness of energy was described to me long ago was through the analogy of cutting an onion on a cutting board. The onion can be removed and everything looks clean but anything that is placed on that spot will taste of the onion.

When we went to the room above this gate I felt terror, a needing to keep an enemy away. This “Oh my God, here they come and I need to get out of here but I can’t leave”. I just sat with it and brought in an energy of letting go of needing to battle and releasing the desperate survival fears. It was like an internal surrender that I often have to do when faced with extreme fear. I simply felt without resistance and mental judgment, letting go of that feeling of fear about being destroyed and embracing my knowing/feeling of safety no matter what may happen to the physical body. The foundation for all of this is in the breath.

When I got stable with the heavy energies I called in more freedom from survival fears not only for this room but for the whole of the planet. Survival fears control people and cause them to give up on their passion, dreams, and connections with others. I intended the creation of some vortexes which I saw taking that heavy trapped energy out and back up to Source/Universe, basically out way up high where it can mix and blend to become something different once again.

Energy does not like to be stuck, its natural nature is to flow and move and so there is always space to assist it in that when the time is right through the power of conscious neutral witnessing.

To get even more specific, the energy signature of a place like this was very much about being trapped, stuck, no way out to survive. That was the key concern and flavor of the energy but the effect on people can be very different. Places like this can perpetuate continued misery with a similar energy that plays out in a mired of ways over the course of history. This influence can extend beyond a room or Castle.

I knew it was not just my imagination or an over active mind because Mirabai had an over-whelming experience of claustrophobia and fear almost to the point of panic and had to bolt out of there as the feeling of being trapped was so strong.

Later, we found out that at one point a man had been held there overnight awaiting execution, but died in his sleep before the morning. This is the more specific aspect of the experience/energy she felt in the room.

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When I finally walked out I felt very pissed off and angry. A lot of the anger happened to center around all the people just mindlessly wandering around. I felt like they had no clue what was going on energetically here and I almost violently pushed my way through them to get out. I was still feeling a lot of the energy of the place and it took some time to clear it out of my body.

This is often how I work and have seen this with others who transmute and clear energy. Strong energy from an environment can briefly affect those sensitive to it manifesting in uncharacteristic behavior and so it requires great self control and discipline to keep impulses from that in check.

I would invite all who read this to realize that this is true for many people especially children and without tools to remove this energy people can take on things that are not theirs, such as thoughts, feelings and even action impulses.

Many of you reading this already know that when we go to places and feel what is happening, are able to be present with it and let it go it helps clean/heal that area. First clearing personal space and then one is able to affect change around them without forcing, simply harmonizing and removing an excess or blockages of various energies.

There was another section of the castle where people went to pray called St. Margaret’s chapel. It is considered one of the oldest buildings in Edinburgh from around 1250ad. This specific location was often spared during attacks.

By contrast the energy I sensed as soon as we walked in there was deeply comforting and warm. I was surprised by this. People in here seemed to feel the energy and a few where just sitting there looking as though they had been crying. This place was like the opposite of the room above the gate. It felt loving and safe and probably the last refuge of people in difficult situations. I would venture to say that there was a portal there.

Later, I learned that Edinburgh castle is claimed to be the most besieged place in Great Britain and one of the most attacked places in the world according to research showing 26 sieges over its 1100 year history.

Next we drove to Strachur. Mirabai took the wheel as it was my first time being somewhere that they drove on the left. It was really a trip experiencing that so I just wanted to watch and get my brain used to it.

We arrived at the Airbnb in Strachur near Loch Fyne which was very nice and had an amazing view from our room but the people running the Airbnb seemed super angry and guarded despite not showing much sign of this on the surface. This is really one of the most difficult types of situations for me to deal with. It is like a volcano waiting to explode and so there is this constant tension in the air, but yet nothing ever happens except forced smiles and a everything is fine veneer.

It wasn’t a very fun night as we had to be very quiet and woke up feeling like shit and angry. The morning improved when I had my first Scottish breakfast that was comprised of eggs, beans, and toast. Mirabai had some really great smoked salmon and scrambled eggs which are often eaten for breakfast in Scotland. Apparently, in the UK beans are a big part of breakfast.

I drove for my first time on the left side of the road from Strachur to Broadford on the Isle of Skye. It was really a bit of a challenge and required me to stay very present. I could actually feel parts of my brain going into overdrive working to process everything and create new neural pathways because of it being so opposite of my conditioning. I could feel this tingle like electricity moving around in there.

On the way to the Isle of Skye I had a really amazing Aberdeen Angus steak burger. I was told that Aberdeen Angus cows are raised on the island of Orkney. Well treated and happy. I was a bit reluctant to have a burger at a place on the side of the road in a trailer but the man that sold it to me seemed like a really good guy and was extremely nice. He even sold the burger to me cheap with fries. I felt energized when I ate it, not the usual “Oh man, that was good but now I feel like crap for a half an hour”.

One of the highlights of the trip was when we drove through Glenn Coe where many of the MacDonald clan was killed long ago. The pass was very beautiful with high mountains and lush green grass like what is seen in Braveheart and other highland movies. The ground was very wet and marshy making our shoes wet while getting the picture seen below. I could only imagine how annoying that would get walking around with wet feet all the time.

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In Broadford on the Isle of Skye we stayed at an Airbnb that was an old farm house with a father and daughter running it. They seemed very aware and had done a lot of energy work around the place so we didn’t have too many problems with energetic disturbances. We actually heard them doing some kind of chant or mantra while we were having sex which Mirabai thought was magical, although I worried that perhaps they didn’t like the energy or something.They were nice but didn’t get much time to talk with the daughter.

The father, an older man in his 80’s chatted with us over tea in the old kitchen with an ancient cast iron range. He revealed that he had meditated a great deal for many years. He told us about his life and growing up believing that he was the son of a man who really wasn’t his father. When he finally found out the truth it was extremely shocking to him. The majority of this seemed mostly because of the fact that he was raised to tell the truth and couldn’t believe such a lie could be perpetuated at his expense.

He shared some of his awareness about the paranormal but said he never saw any fairies where they lived. He did share in a moment of vulnerability that he could communicate with animals.

I didn’t really notice much subtle energy stuff the whole time we were in Skye perhaps one must go further north to experience that which is on the edge of the veil such as fairies and other mythological characters.

The next day we headed out to the Donald center. It was cool but not really the connection I had hoped for with my lineage. It was a place where a portion of the MacDonald clan had consolidated their power and wealth creating a home. What I got while visiting there was that I could do this as well, that I will step out, pull everything together and create. That was the piece I got from there. I will create wealth as they did by consolidating all my resources and abilities.

We then drove over towards Inverness and spent the night at Strathpeffer but not before we went to the beach at Chanonry Point near Cromarty firth where dolphins are said to be seen. It was extremely windy there. We walked around for a while not seeing anything.

I was drawn to stand at the very point of the beach where it made a sharp turn and went towards town. It was a very powerful spot where both the wind and the waves seemed to be the most strong. I faced the powerful wind and anchored myself into the sand in a centered tai chi stance.

I felt all that was around me and delighted in the power and connection. I was exhilarated by the feeling of being almost blown over but simply allowing the energy to flow down trough me maintaining my balance while swaying with the wind. I looked out over the ocean and invited the dolphins to come visit us. I saw nothing and so we decided to walk down along the shore towards the town talking and admiring the various different kinds of rocks on the beach.

We doubled back just before reaching the town. On the way back as we approached the point we had been before we noticed a crowd had gathered. The closer we got the more our hearts sang and my brain was perplexed by the appearance of many dolphins in the very spot we had stood less than an hour before.

The dolphins seemed to be hunting and jumping up in the air. It took great willpower and my continued expressed concern for her safety to keep Mirabai out of the sea. The waves there where extremely strong and it looked as though a powerful current might be in that area. This seemed of little concern in the briefest of moments when feeling her immense joy and love for these beings.

She managed to just interact from the beach even though at times the dolphins were a mere 40 yards from where we stood. I thanked them and especially the Universe as is my practice anytime I experience such “coincidences”.

More to come….

May you always know the adventure that is your life,

Jason

Love and Laughter

dolphinswimIt has been a long while since I have posted anything in this blog. There is so much to share. For the first time I find myself creating and manifesting things that I truly desire. These are things that bring me great joy and pleasure. They increase my bliss but at the same time terrify me. This terror, I am realizing, is more simply being excited and open in ways I have never been.

More background is in order to really tell this story. Not to get too much into the past but I realize that so much of what I tried to create before was contingent on specifics and what would fit into my comfort zone which honestly wasn’t a whole lot. I see now how things I want to experience bring up fear just before they happen and I almost bail on them. No wonder many never even showed up. It wasn’t until I kept doing other things that scared me that they could even appear.

I see the fear as a big part of why things didn’t come my way. The fear is so much less for me now for I truly believe that we are now living on a planet that will support those who step out and stand in their power. What used to make us open targets for simply living our truth and being/doing what we came here to do upset others. Those others can be people or often more specifically an energy that works through them.

A few months back I made a stretch or goal to sit down and spend at least an hour meditating/focusing/fixating on what it is I want to experience in this life. What I want to achieve and do. I made a list of these things surprisingly easily and some steps of how to get there. Reflecting I found that these steps didn’t always get me there but feel they were important to take. The Universe saw my effort and desire. I found I have already arrived halfway down my list.

I put on my first workshop on personal energy. Something I always wanted to do but scared me. I wanted to find a girlfriend something I have spent a lifetime doing only to reject just about everyone that came my way. I opened up and embraced the gift that was in front of in the form of a truly amazing woman that is a great healer, leader, and takes people to swim with dolphins.  I am writing this at the airport awaiting a flight to London where I will meetup with this magical woman who came into my life just a short time ago. She has helped blast me into so much happiness that I am almost in tears at this writing. We are going to travel around Europe and spend time in some very special places I have always wanted to visit. This woman has shown up in my life in the most unexpected way and has opened my heart and filled it with Love and Laughter. This is the medicine that I experienced when she invited me to swim with wild dolphins recently.

There is so much more to write and more will come during this trip. Until then I want to share the most amazing and utterly unbelievable thing that happened on the last dolphin swim we did.

I swim out away from the boat looking down. The light bounces back at me from deep below in rays originating from a center that can’t be seen. Just then I look and see six or seven dolphins about 40 feet below slowly swimming straight up at me in an upward spiral motion with two dolphins dancing/mating in the center. The rays of light are coming from that place and shining right at me. It was like some ridiculous painting that one might expect to see in a new age shop that was just too intense and filled with so much joy, love and laughter that it couldn’t possibly be real. Seeing something like that I would judge that the artist is surely so touched that they are bordering on insanity. But in that moment that was what I felt. I was so blasted and stricken by this scene that I froze in a coma of bliss and realization of what I had missed. What I rejected, what I felt sure was madness in others. To live in so much magic and mystery and to see and feel it right in front of me. This was not in some other plane of existence, some subtle energy experience. That I was used to, this was right there embodied. It was a dance, a connection, a circle of divinity that was simply the nature of reality for such an advanced species that never forgot who they are. It reminded me of home and of what I want in my life.

I create my circle and I embrace that Love and Laughter.

May you live in Love and Laughter,

Jason

Bullying Energy in the Body

I recently asked for assistance in addressing my fear of intimacy, more specifically, romantic intimacy. I still seem to have a great deal of worry about what will happen in those situations. This goes beyond just mental stress and negative thoughts. It is like a feeling of being trapped or controlled. The paradox is that I often feel even more alone when I am with someone.

In my past I had unconsciously sabotaged relationships. I always kept people at a certain distance especially if it was a romantic one. The few rare cases when I didn’t freak out were when I knew that particular woman I was with wasn’t going to be around for very long. In those cases in true masochistic form I would surrender and be totally open and get crushed. I of course didn’t recognize this pattern for quite some time.

I have come a long way with my emotionally isolating behavior but yet the fear still remains. The strongest aspect of this fear is that I will repeat a pattern of being distant or emotionally reactive to another so as to create space. I can control a lot of it but the energy of the situations often feels overpowering.

In this session or work I was taken back to my childhood. I am 5 years old and there is a boy lying on top of me. It is dark, I am scared and feeling totally powerless. I can’t move at all I am being crushed. I feel like I am dying. Revisiting it I can feel how terrifying it was and how empty I felt. My inner light felt snuffed out. I didn’t remember any of this until this moment.

The boy is telling me I am nothing over and over again or at least that is the core belief that has been implanted in me from the experience. He laughs and I feel dead.

As the man I am today I symbolically pull the bully off of my child self and lift him up. I explain what happened to him and how that won’t happen again. I reassure him and give him what he needs as I totally breakdown crying while saying it. I give him and myself a new message. I clear it from my body and most importantly I remove the energy from my current station of identity. I removed the dark cloak of “you are nothing” from my physical and energetic bodies. With continued work in daily life it will no longer be a location of disempowerment or food for that which feeds on such low negative energy.

I see now how I had carried this traumatic experience in my body my whole life without even knowing. It was a worry and deep fear that at any moment someone was going to come along and take everything from me. They would make me feel like nothing, that I have no power to do anything and that I will die.

I now see it more clearly as a dark heavy energy that kept me from wanting to stand out, to own my gifts and abilities but most of all show my joy for life. I had often felt I had to tone everything down so I wouldn’t make someone jealous or upset. This is what I feel happened with the boy that smothered me and made me feel totally helpless. A feeling I never wanted again so I kept myself small. The interesting thing is that boy, whoever he was, probably has no idea how much that had impacted me. To him I was probably just some kid that annoyed him and so he allowed impulses to direct his behavior.

Scratching at a trauma memory is an opportunity to release the stuck energy in the body and give certain parts of self a different perspective from a place of a more mature awareness.  It is often childhood memories of experiences that can now be viewed differently. In the best case scenario, these situations can be healed from a place of empathy for the person or persons involved.

The key to a successful integration is to have an empowered stance to embody when the pattern reappears. Through the power of conscious awareness (Consciousness, Intent, Focus, Now Moment Presence) the traumatic pattern can be overridden once the energy in the body is released.

In that moment of re-experiencing trauma anything can be implanted in a person. They are there, it is alive and so taking it past that to a place of comfort and empowerment then anchoring that in with a tool such as an affirmation, visualization, feeling in the body, or specific movement will draw that more empowered energy in when the old trigger sets in.

I share these things as a Being who is willing to go to those dark spaces within so as to be better and has helped others do the same. I am grateful to all that assist me in that goal. You know who you are!

I feel I now have a “why” for when I start to freak out in relationships. Even better than the “why” I now have a tool to use in the form of an affirmation. If I remember to be conscious in those moments, it can pull me out of that undesired pattern. “I am safe with my Heart”

May you always feel safe with your Heart,

Jason

 

New Energy Coming Online

I let go of a lot of the negative harmful energy I was carrying since my last post in fact a huge part of it. An energy that I labeled as beast for the final purge, something I carried for a very long time. It was protecting me in a sense.

I was given the message of love being its intention. The reason to let it go was that the form of love it expressed in protecting me was no longer of service in my life. It was holding me back. I let it go and thanked it. I had assistance with this by supportive individuals in my life that could help create an environment where this could be facilitated.

The strange thing that happened after the release and letting go was that another energy came in immediately afterward. It was like this very advanced type aspect of myself. Something that seems very foreign to this world and not something I have seen fully manifested very often. It is like this very calm and capable emissary type being who is very poised and strong yet unassuming. This part scares me in a way for I know how powerful this type of energy is and I feel it has an effect or can trigger a great many people. If I work to embody it I must fully release fear.

The fearful parts I make up around what may happen if I embody this are internal dialogs of others like, “this guy thinks he is better than me” or “this person acts really weird. Why are they not reacting to all this drama?”

The humble truth is it is like this Christ/Kryst type consciousness that is very rarely seen manifested for long periods of time but cannot be ignored when it does. It is a force that is absolutely present and engaged with its environment but at the same time in total control of its self. It does not get sucked into drama by guilt, frustration or a sense of needing to belong. It stands strong and centered even in the face of attack which is defused because of its calm demeanor and ability to shift the very field of energy around a person/environment. This particular version presented to me is also in total control over body movements needed for defense like a Tai Chi master that simply points out the futility of even trying to hit him through extremely cultivated internal energy, balance and relaxation.

I refer to this energy or archetypal energy form as “it” for it transcends gender. It doesn’t even feel a part of this planet but like a visiting energy or something that is returning from long ago and will solidify this new paradigm.

Ultimately, it is about those that have the volition to allow their full human potential to come online and shine for all to see without fear or apology. Humans expressing their unique gifts from a place of balanced power and connection.

I feel this has been happening for a great many people for some time now. And it is important that I point out that it is an energy available not something I am saying I am right now. My hope is that by embracing more of this energy on a daily basis, remembering what it felt like and how it looked, that I will manifest this as the core of who I am in action and deed in the future. With any luck, seeing this mastery achieved in this lifetime.

May you always know this energy within and around you,

Jason

Embracing the Feminine and Releasing the Perpetrator Protector

I had one of those realizations or deep awareness’s recently that are so strong that they feel like they reach beyond space and time. Beyond the constructs of mental thought with such intensity and emotion that it is hard to ignore the great truth coming through in that moment. At the same time knowing that I could never empirically prove the truth of such a deep inner experiential thing. This doesn’t even matter that much to me anymore I write about it here to help process it and to share with those that have similar experiences with inner states that are more than just the result of thoughts or triggered emotions.

I am truly blessed to live in Hawaii. I am coming to really appreciate that and surrender to it. I am allowing myself to enjoy this amazing and powerful place, to be in joy more with it. One of the great things about living in Hawaii is that in February I can go outside and pick fresh cherry tomatoes for my morning breakfast. I was doing this the other day on an exceptionally beautiful morning in which I was feeling very good and happy about this blessing in my life. As I am picking the tomatoes I am also acknowledging their beauty and thanking the plant, something I try to remember to do to be more conscious of the life that is within all things and increase my gratitude. Out of nowhere I am hit with a vision, a feeling and a profound experiential knowing.

I am conscious and aware of my surroundings but I feel as if I am in Italy long ago and I am a woman who is also picking tomatoes having the same reverence for her many blessings and for the beauty all around her/me. It feels good, it feels so safe and soft and all those things that the feminine energy can encompass. I allow myself to feel that vulnerability, a surrender to being connected and feeling safe knowing I am protected. Well right around this moment I feel that fear come in. I feel the message that I am not safe that this is going to be taken from me. At any moment someone is going to come and hurt me to rip this from me. I feel the need to protect myself come up. I just witness this from my current station of identity as Jason a male in this life.

I see how I have had this feeling of not being safe much of my life, feeling as though at any minute someone or something is going to attack me, to put me down to take me away from what I hold most precious.

I realize that long ago as a warrior in a village, tribe or town I would need to prepare for the inevitable event that war would break out or that someone will come to take what I have or to attack my family and those I love. That they will come destroy the feminine, that part that is open and loving and ready to nurture and care.

In this life I have fiercely protected that part in a more emotionally closed off way. I am working on letting that go. Letting go of the need to protect and put up walls and barriers that really end up trapping that part or energy, keeping it from being free to expand.
I am in a good place in my life now here in Hawaii and can be connected to this very vulnerable part, I can let go and feel safe even when things are uncomfortable, but can I let go of that part of me that holds all this back?

That part that will protect me in very destructive ways. A part that would feel right at home on an ancient battlefield shut down emotionally and able to stuff down what is felt in the heart. Becoming what has been called the shadow warrior.

To me the shadow warrior is able to do whatever it takes to protect something to the point it is closed off and shut down emotionally in order to do what it takes to “get it done”. It cannot see beyond the task at hand and a big reason why I will never truly be free to love until I let go of this energy which is not really me. I have perhaps embraced it many times in other lives and often felt the comfort of it being there in this life but this embraced energy is outside me and can be cast out if I am willing.

I am still working on releasing this long ago invited energy. It feels safe this monster. It has protected me in a way even though I have never needed to fully call on it in this lifetime. This protection has a cost and is a big part of what is keeping me from really connecting to my feminine in a real, balanced, and sustainable way. I feel I will not be the mature masculine until I can fully let this aspect go.

It is as if I think I need to go berserk at some point to fight off an invading army or just say 3 guys who want to hurt me or someone I love. This shadow warrior or what has been more specifically referred to as dark perpetrator energy is very destructive, hard to control and can as a man in a recent training explained, “can tear down a house”.

I cast a large part of this out recently. I am choosing to attain self-mastery in this life. I let go of the shadow warrior who can turn off everything and do what needs to be done knowing that it is the result of a boy’s mentality. It is an unconscious checking out and letting something else take over to feel safe and powerful.

My intention is that in letting this go I will actually be able to achieve a higher level of the warrior, one who is connected and using divine guidance to temper the extremes of the shadow warrior. This creation of a more Zen space in skill and mastery (magician) will allow me to draw upon my strength and marital arts skill in a safe and conscious way. If I ever need to protect myself or others it would be much more like the calm Kung Fu master who fights only when he needs to and done in a way that is really showing the error in even fighting.

This isn’t just about physical acts of protection for me it is largely about being able to gain control over emotions and mental thoughts that come up from fear and calling on the monster not even knowing it. It will subtlety rear its head when my ego is being threatened or when not attaining shallow ego desires. It will manifest as enemy patterning and a need to be right. It will often ruthlessly defend a position and refuse to surrender when I am not paying attention. It shows up when I feel like I am losing control or being too vulnerable and connected to another.

I now feel this energy as very separate from me, like I can simply watch it. I see how it keeps me from connecting to others. It is a monster capable of ruthless acts to protect itself. I have never needed to fully call on it but felt I needed it. The biggest reason I realized this need was around thoughts of, “what if all hell breaks loose and it is total Armageddon and I have to fight to survive.” I didn’t feel safe in the world for a long time and wanted something mean and nasty to protect me.

This is like the last vestiges from when in this current life I chose between light and darkness. A salient point in my life while in mediation over 15 years ago. I wrote about it in the post Choosing the Light.

So I am now letting go of that darkness from other lifetimes where I lost it and choose not to connect in a harmonious way with others when dealing with adversity. I see the need to let go of this false protector, this energy of volatility, of the cornered animal that will do anything to protect itself. I am the divine human being not that which feeds off of the negative judgments of experiences.

May you know yourself as Sovereign and Free,
Jason

For more on archetypal representations of energy check out the excellent book: King, Warrior, Magician, Lover by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette.

Dropping In and Balancing Energy

I would like to share a little of how I find balance with some very strong emotions that come up inside of me. How when I take the time and create the space within I can use that specific feeling to find balance not only internally but also with the external environment I am in.

Last week I was hit with an immense feeling of guilt. I felt it so strong and with such persistence that it occupied the bulk of my attention. It was really eating away at me. I felt myself starting to slip into self-abuse and negative thinking patterns but luckily stopped short of all that insanity.

Despite catching the pattern I still felt like I had did something wrong and that something horrible happened or will happen as a result of what I did. (Actually a very common feeling for me as a child).

I for the life of me couldn’t figure out what it was. I replayed the day’s events in my head and came up with a couple of possible things but upon further reflection they really weren’t anything more than judgments based on thinking that I did something wrong. Stuff like burning my clutch a little in my car while leaving an intersection or not taking the time to stop for someone who was nearing a crosswalk.

To get to the root of this very strong persistent feeling I decided to do some deeper work on it rather than just thinking. I sat down to meditate with the intention to clear all guilt, shame and blame.

I just sat there breathing connecting to my higher self, feeling and seeing that energy flowing inside me. I ran a couple affirmations to increase this connection. I calmed my mind and found my neutral center, that safe place inside. Casting out that which didn’t serve me.

I then cleared the energy in my environment of any shame, blame or guilt. I was at someone’s house who I often see battle with this behavior. I will have to ask his permission but was able to do it in that moment with seeing he would say yes when I ask him later (which he did). I was able to clear the energy by finding its polar opposite and bringing a specific flavor of energy in to create a potential balance between the two.

For me to harmonize and clear this environment, I just tap into the opposite energy of Guilt, Shame and Blame, in this case, Love, Acceptance, and Honor. While deeply feeling the emotions that those feelings bring up I can radiate that out into the environment thereby bringing in energy to a space that is weighted too far in the other direction.

This intentional direct manifestation and transmutation of energy isn’t advisable to do to others unless one has permission. Simply holding space can often create the same effect with people or environments where permission to do energy work may not be possible or granted by the owner of the space. With permission more can be done in the environment or with an individual.

After all this clearing/balancing of energy I was able to limit the big factors that may be interfering with my clarity in tapping into my own emotions. When I dropped back in on the guilty feeling inside what came to me was the name and image of a man I know.

The data on this was that I had tried calling him a few days prior on what I thought was his cell phone but got his wife instead at their home. When this happened I was a bit hurried and not really present. My mind was still locked on the idea that this was his cell phone and he must have left it at home. She even said something about how horrible he is about answering his cell phone and that I should talk with him about it which I jokingly agreed.

This all came back to me while meditating so I decided to call and tell him about my miscommunication with his wife. I was concerned that to not tell him may possibly drive a wedge between them since I was agreeing with her about something that never happened but might support some judgment she has about him. Plus, it could come back to me that I was making up stories or not being authentic with my communication.

This may never have been the outcome but I found that when I did call and explain the situation that it brought us closer together.

I am personally amazed by this whole process which has happened for me many other times in the past. I can tap into my subconscious, or my higher self, or some aspect of me that will get me this information and a whole lot more. Perhaps it is a soul aspect since the “feeling” was so strong.

As a side, I will share that there is a deep sadness that comes to me from time to time that I can never fully tap the root cause of. Its level and intensity varies. This deep seemly endless spiral into despair often takes every tool in my possession to pull out of. Sometimes even this doesn’t work and I just trust that the next day I will feel better and it gets me through. And it is always better.

I could only imagine what it would be like if I had learned all this right from childhood when the connections were still fresh. How much easier my life might have been if I was taught emotional intelligence, awareness of internal and external energy and how these subtle vibrations can affect someone like me.

For me it is all about having the ability to navigate and understand internal states. Knowing that these internal states don’t have to define me but instead guide me.

May you always know the intelligence that lives in calm centered balance,
Jason

Healing the Inner Child of Separation

I had a powerful experience recently that I I feel I must share. It was something that helped me gauge how far I have come with my inner work and how I can use this as service to others.

It is in my awareness that there is often a message playing out inside me. This message can often be sourced back to one experience where I took it on and carried it with me throughout my life. It is a message that comes up when I am scared or frustrated, when I am about to push through to greatness or make genuine connection with others. Many refer to this as shadow. It causes tremendous pain and separation in the world.

I can remember as a child I felt open and connected to my world then as time went on things happened and I began to feel unsafe. People yelling at me, telling me I wasn’t good enough, and the idea that I was less than another.

The separation began. The idea of “the other” started to come in. The mental concept that I am different from those around me followed by a strong judgment about that based on salient experiences.

This idea of separate was wonderful and exciting in a heart based way but also scary when it became extreme in belief. I tried to find ways to comfort this idea of being different. I ran into others who had this and it was often centered on how they looked, where they lived, what gender they were, what kind of clothes they wore…

For more back ground I will share that I recently staffed a Boys to Men Adventure Weekend.

Boys to Men Mentoring is an organization open to individuals of varying belief systems. They do not subscribe to any one belief other than healthy men need to mentor boys into mature masculinity or they will burn down the village to feel the heat.

The Weekend Adventure is a camping trip set up by this nonprofit mostly volunteer organization. These events happen every couple of months for local youth in Hawaii (nationally as well). I have found these Adventure Weekends to be powerful but at the same time a challenging experience.

For me, it often brings up my own difficult childhood and opens some of the deep inner wounds from that. These wounds are things that I used to let define me as a man.

I have since done a lot of work around this wounding and the many disempowered beliefs that come up around it like, I am not safe and I am less than another. This was put to the test over the weekend when I noticed one of the young men giving me a look, one that I had seen many times before.

I can’t be certain what the look was about but it bought up that childhood feeling of being ashamed for what I look like. It took me back to that message I took on as a youth that I was a lame and goofy white boy and how I had to toughen up and project more anger. The energy I felt coming at me was something like, white boy has everything he wants and his life is perfect. This of course isn’t true.

When I was a child this would shut me down. I would pull myself inside and dim my light way down trying to blend in. I would pretend I was miserable to keep people from targeting me, that I wasn’t this happy little white boy that had everything because I didn’t. I embraced darkness to feel safe.

I had a lot going on that people didn’t see. There was a lot of pain and confusion for me as a child. I resented that on the surface my life looked like a episode of Leave it to Beaver and that I was not worthy of any respect. I felt I wasn’t able to shine the light of who I was and would get attacked if I did.

So this time I felt that child wounding and story come up. I caught it when I started to want to protect myself and get angry or engage with a dirty look of my own with this young man.

This is not who I am and not why I was on the weekend. I was there to support these young men so it was pretty easy to simply notice what was going on inside me, breath it out and not engage in any interaction. I just stayed neutral to the gaze I felt from the boy as I continued what I was doing.

What was so powerful was that a little while later I was sitting alone when this same boy came and sat down across from me at the picnic bench. I smiled and happily chatted with him when he asked how I was doing. He then began to share all the things he was holding deep inside that were causing him pain.

I was in awe of his strength and openness. It was such an honor to be there for him as he asked for help with a lot of the same things I went through as a child.

He connected with a number of other mentors that weekend in the same way. He later showed even greater courage when he spoke up in front of everyone sitting in a large circle. He did what I have seen as being so difficult for many grown men to do. He stepped into his power and spoke his needs. He put down the shame and asked for help which he will receive.

This was able to happen because men did not react to his behavior but instead owned their own triggers and held the space of compassion for him to let go. To begin to heal that part that can fester and turn into a monster that may haunt a man for his whole life. Inviting a force of energy into oneself that has the potential to create great pain and suffering in the world.

I know that part. It took me a long time to remove a lot of it and control what may be left of it. To realize that it is fed on the idea of being separate or less than others. It can swing into thinking it is better or uses judgments to justify its actions. It lives in a person’s head and stifles their heart, their connection to all that is.

I still have work to do with this (being vulnerable and open) but I see I am making progress and helping others gain tools so they don’t have to walk in darkness.

May you always shine your light for all to see,
Jason