Be Courageous in the Face of Love!

If you can understand this you probably know what it means to be working on healing an avoidant attachment style. For those with one of the other attachment styles you may ask, “Who would be afraid of love?” Well people that have been hurt or very confused by it at an early age would be my answer and what tons of research has shown.

Something happened at a deep core level. The very young child basically took on the message that I am not safe to explore the world. There can also be a feeling that something bad is going to happen at any moment and the need to control everything around us. Truly, an impossible feat but a child and young adult often does not know this. There is a tendency towards perfection or a total rejection of everything. A domination of surroundings or hiding away from them. And often a need for constantly seeking approval but freaking out when it gets to be too much.

To make this more personal, I will share that I just spent the last few hours writing out what is important to me and what to focus on. This was instead of allowing the darkness of suicidal ideation creep into my field of energy. I felt it start to visit as soon as I was on the flight back home from my visit to Greece. I felt it sit beside me and tell me I have too much do to when I get home and what are you even doing anyway? You are all over the place and perhaps it would be easier to just give up. Each thing you want to do is only being half done, it is not good enough, and you are too scared/lazy to really step up. Why even bother nobody cares anyway. You are just making a fool of yourself.

I of course know this unhelpful friend very well from years of listening to his shitty feedback and bad advice and yet he still shows up despite my best efforts to ride myself of him. But now I chose to use this communication, it pushes me to examine these things.

So, at 3 am this morning when he was really screaming and trying to hijack my mind I got up and wrote. I wrote down all the things I am working on and what the priorities are from a place of genuine expression rather than writing for an audience as I usually do. I gained clarity that my master’s degree is my priority and I must finish this. I am almost there.

I need to keep mentoring youth even though it can be challenging in more ways than people might expect. I know this is my path. I was shown it long ago in a vision.

I am really enjoying my new superfood business and see so much potential for it to help many people. This currently excites me but I am being careful not to drop everything else in its pursuit like I usually do.

I really want create a couple workshops this summer

But the big one in my life is that I am alone. As time goes on, I see how difficult most of my life has been by constantly isolating and running from romantic relationships and even intimate friendships. Life is not meant to be lived alone, humans run in families, groups, tribes. Traveling around Greece by myself after my friend had to go back home really helped solidify this for me. I had to drive, navigate, translate, find places to stay and eat all while keeping my energy calm and balanced. It was really hard and I am tired.

Being in another country can really wear on you if you if you are by yourself. I made it through and it was fun but what if I actually allowed more support in my life, allowed more love. Allowed my family/tribe to fully manifest? To have people around me on a regular basis. I have always gone it mostly alone because I did not want to drag anyone else into my emotional stability drama but I am no longer that same person. It still visits like my friend that wants to push me off a cliff but I have aquired tools enough to at least no longer take it out on those around me. At least not to my knowledge.

To get back to my story, those last few days in Greece traveling to the interior where less tourists are it was all up to me. I watched as others in a foreign country seemed very nervous and scared and I judged them as weak. I would never allow myself to show that externally but I am sure it still did. That same fear and insecurity was there just below the surface many times. I felt the overwhelm, I felt my nervous system freaking out and I had to do what I always do…self soothe. Running my energy, grounding, breathing, closing my eyes and shifting it. I don’t know what I would do without these tools.

Perhaps you can relate to this, perhaps you also have what is called an avoidant attachment style and will throw your hand up in someone’s face that tries to get too close to you or will run for the hills when you truly feel vulnerable and in love.

This can be true for friendships as well. The closer they get the more it feels like something bad is going to happen because that’s what happened before. So rather than face the uncertainty of the seemingly inevitable pain an avoidant attachment style will sabotage, often unconsciously, so than at least they can control when that pain happens. It still hurts but it relieves the anxiety. The tragedy is that it is a self-fulfilling prophecy, one that continues until the pattern is brought into awareness and broken.

My advice to myself this morning and anyone who can relate is to be courageous in the face of love! For without that, the fear of life creeps in and can take us down.

May you laugh at how ridiculous your critics are and use them to light your path,

Jason

My Friend the Banyan

Three years ago, I moved into a house amongst the trees.  One day a message rang like a distant bell within me, “Help me”  Over and over again I would hear this faint whisper coming from an area of my yard.  Many a place did my mind go trying to figure out what it was and where it was coming from.

Over a month was spent hacking back the jungle.  Pulling and straining to liberate the ties binding the land like the ribbon on a meticulously wrapped gift.  Each day revealed a new treasure….a mango tree, no two mango trees barely alive still, a banana plant, Hawaiian cherry trees, over 100 white pineapple plants, and even a hot tube.  The most monumental task was pulling the 30-foot-high vines out of this amazing banyan tree.  It was as if a wall was pulled across the whole side of the property. I wish I would have taken photos but strangely it never occurred to me until much later.  I was too excited to open my present each day.

One day I heard a “Thank you” and the feeling of joy flowing through my whole body reigniting my memory of my connection with all things.

Later other messages would come as I looked out towards this amazing being.  They were subtle and reassuring during some of my most difficult times.  Support and reassurance always there if I remembered to connect and breathe.  Now each morning I look to my friend, who reminds me to ground, raise my arms, and breathe giant heart breaths liberating the flow of energy within and around me.

Will you take the time to listen to those who remember the old ways?

May you find your old friends,

Jason

 

Toxic Masculinity

I am compelled to share this thing that occurred the other night. The strangest part is I can’t be sure it even really happened. It was something I heard but was it really spoken?

I go out dancing at a bar. Already an old pattern can rear its ugly head in my life. I have two beers to take the edge off all the energy I feel around me, another part of the pattern.

I am out dancing around a group of women not really engaging any directly. We are all feeling the vibes and enjoying the experience. It is the early part of the night when, usually at a bar, no one is really dancing yet except women. I know it is best to wait but I don’t care since I like the song.

After a while this guy comes out right near me and I hear the words, “You are a dead man.” He immediately starts dancing with one of the women near me, apparently his girlfriend. I feel as if punched in the face. I lose my joy, tighten up, and start to move robotically. I feel the anger and rage well up inside and then comes the old program from this energy within me, “What the hell. I am going to drop this skinny bitch!”

That’s the toxic male program right there. A part of me sized him up really quick, determined he could be taken out, and even threw in a little derogatory emasculating language designed to cut a man down by comparing him to a woman. As much work as I have done on this and my admiration of women it is still there. Right below the surface ready to cause pain physically, mentally and emotionally.

I play it cool and just keep dancing fighting off the need to retaliate. In my world at that moment a challenge has been thrown down, my safety threatened and I am ready to go. I check myself. I know that this might all just be in my head.

Did he really say it? It was so passive aggressive and subtle. Is this just a program too? Am I hearing an old voice in my head? An unwanted visitor designed to create pain in my world.

Was it me just feeling his energy coming through as an auditory experience? (This has happened before when a person’s energy is very intense and directed at me. I hear the energy signature of it. This is how telepathy works) The point of all this is there are many variables and I can’t be sure. With such things one must be disciplined.

Truth is it doesn’t matter. How I choose to respond consciously is the only real control I have.

As I process all this, I keep dancing. I am a little calmer and yet still trying to control my own strong passive aggressive impulse of wanting to “accidently” elbow him in the face by dancing too close.

I am angry. I just came out to have a good time something that I had to really push myself to do. I felt fear about it because of potential interactions like this. And so here it is. Self-fulfilling prophecy right. I get it. I don’t need advice on this. Knowing and being able to do it are two different things. I am just sharing if others want to understand how this works at least from my direct experience.

I leave the dance floor and chill out.

Later he is trying to walk where I am standing so I turn right towards him. I introduce myself really assertively as he tries to walk by me. I am not going to let him just ignore me. I want to see what he is about. I want to know if any of this is real and what kind of situation I am in.

It is my pattern in life to call out the elephant in the room.  I want to let him know that I am not interested in his girlfriend if that is the issue although I am more inclined to be now. It’s fine apparently but not that friendly. We keep it just a short introduction and nothing more as he keeps going back towards his girlfriend.

I go about my night but can’t fully shake it. I feel split and no longer fully present. I am not in integrity with myself internally. I have been partially taken over.

The whole vibe of the environment changes even more after a few friends of mine leave. I get the feeling it is time to go. I trust that and leave.

It took me a good couple of days to let go of all that. I was angry, sad, and struggling to stay positive about the world. So many crappy programs that try to tear us all apart.

It took a number of days walking on the cliffs near the ocean and a lot of breath and self-healing energy work to shift it. It is not surprising this came up as I have really accelerated clearing old patterns that keep me from interacting with the world and people in general. I realize it is not the fear of people as I long suspected by instead my visceral reactions to them that scares me.

I feel things so intensely that it is overwhelming scary to risk that getting triggered. Coupled with being an empath it is easier just to stay home most of the time. This does not serve me and so I must go and face those things that I myself am creating in the world by holding onto all this stuff.

I believe we create our reality based on what we hold within. I draw those experiences until I decide I know longer want them. What happened in the past and why they happened I can’t venture to explain I have tried for far too long and the truth is it doesn’t really fix it all that much. I did get strong and it drove me to connect to my abilities more from those “bad” experiences.

Now time is different and I must let go and move ahead. Breathe and know I am safe and don’t need to hurt anyone especially myself.

I need to take responsibility for what I hold that may be causing this timeline we are all on. I am working on clearing it and holding space for others to do the same. This from my understanding is what Ho’opnonopono is about. Connecting to Dr. Hew Len’s work helped me see that more fully and have another tool to deal with it.

In the past I might have labeled this experience as interference, or an attack from something else energetically trying to keep me from bringing my light to the world but more and more I am seeing that it doesn’t matter. That this too is just a subtle ego distortion of less than better than, it does not serve me.

If I want a different experience here on this planet. I need to let go of the remaining remnants of all that anger I let live inside me long ago. The blaming others, the criticizing those that seem to have power over me, belittling and wanting to fight those that I think are causing destruction in the world. The crafty darkness and pain parasite that never did anything but create a reality of separation.

Anything that tries to separate us into a “less than or better than” mentality is “toxic” to our unity and harmony no matter what gender we identify with or don’t.

It’s what throughout history has perpetuated great suffering in the world. When we take this on it is important to ask, “What is driving the need to do that?”

For me recently is was needing comfort and safety. Darkness and anger are not the best choice for that for me now in my life. It is certainly not what I want to share with the world. Even if I don’t act it out physically, the internal mental and emotional spewing of holding that in me is enough to cause toxicity in the world.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I do this to help process and maybe it will be helpful or at least interesting to others.

May you choose a reality of forgiveness and freedom from old programs,

Jason

Depression and Suicide

How many times have you fallen into the dark hole? That dark seemly bottomless pit of despair and hopelessness which if your anything like me, at its worse, has left you literally laying on the kitchen floor giving up all hope of anything being able to help. Then what happens?

We all get up and move forward (and yes if you want to go really dark, we have to get up to do that as well). As it passes a realization occurs, an epiphany about something. We see something more clearly or become more fixed on something. It is as if passing through the eye of the needle and we are shot out into the world with a new realization and rawness about life around us.

If this is a positive focus it will bring new experiences and people into our lives. If it is a negative focus then we will find ourselves again on that floor in a short amount of time but not before being driven to coping mechanisms.

Shift this by reaching for the positive coping mechanism. Know what they are, have them literally written down somewhere. What are the helpful coping mechanisms and which are the not so helpful ones?

We are now at that time of choice. The movie or the creating? The cigarette or the run? The complaining or the gratitude? The time in nature or the social media? Sleeping in or the morning routine? Being with people or isolating?

This very process of falling into the dark hole is one of creativity and a form of a shamanistic journey in my opinion. It is definitely an altered state and if you are really paying attention you will know you are not alone during those times.

And so, it is true of all fields of energy. We draw to us what we put out but sometimes we must go into the dark cave. This may happen as part of our mission and journey here. If it is really intense it may be the Universe initiating you or what has been called the dark night of the soul. We must face what is in that darkness that tries to scare us and drag us to a place where we forget who and what we really are.

We become intimate with the darkness and all the thoughts and feelings that dwell there. We may forget that we are still connected and loved. But then we pass through and years later that horrible experience now seems a blessing. Showing us how far we have come and that we are still here able to enjoy the happy moments.

My experience is that it will happen many times to varying degrees no matter how much work we do. I have come to see this as the crouching before the leap, the cocoon before the blossoming freedom of flight. It is an indication that something big needs to be shed so I can move forward. With context things are not as scary. And with context things are easier to navigate.

Early on I knew there was more to this earthly existence because of the dark. I found my confirmation in that place. Those things that lurk there are real and so it must be true for those of the light. I chose the light and I choose to work on embodying the Love that always surrounds us all.

If you are suffering move towards those things and people that can help. You know what they are. If you don’t ask it from the universe.  Chose them, chose to be here, chose to shed the negative overlay…..find the treasure in the cave, return and share it with us. We need it, we need you, we love you!

May you find who you are even in the darkness,

Jason

Connecting

My dog Daisy ran off when someone lit off some Thanksgiving fireworks. I know right? She was lost for over two weeks but has since returned. I wanted to share what had happened and what I experienced through this time of being without my dog. I was amazed at how helpful everyone was and the outpouring of heart energy from everyone who heard about her being lost. I feel truly blessed to know so many great people and to see all those animal lovers in the world. I really saw a lot of heart around me.

I really appreciate how my brother Michael and his wife Christina were there for me. I have a hard time asking for help and they showed up in a big way making it much easier. They did an awesome job on the internet looking for her and helping with flyers! I had so much apathy to work through to do all the things I knew needed to happen at a material level such as posting on various places on the web, putting up flyers, contacting shelters, driving around all over one of the largest housing developments in the U.S. calling her name and squeaking her dog toy. I had to let go of being embarrassed or wanting to hide from new people. I had to engage and ask. When all that was carried out a number of times some part of me must have felt free to move to the next level.

That next level was extremely powerful. Many people were praying and communicating with Daisy. I witnessed a few people look at daisy’s picture and say “Come home Daisy”. This was powerful, it helped me remember I can do that. I can communicate in that way especially when looking at someone’s picture.

There is an ability that we all have to tune into the energy and frequency of another being by simply intending to do so and then focusing. Belief makes it stronger and confirmation will arrive with patience. It happens all the time but most people dismiss it. Thinking of someone then they text or call. Were you thinking of them or were they thinking of you? Truth is it doesn’t matter. It is the same.

The night before Daisy came back. The sadness hit me a different way that night. I let go and felt a clarity and a knowing that I was finally fully ready for her to come home. It was like a window beyond all my indecisive cognitive and emotional interference about the situation. I made a decision on how to move forward when she can home. I looked at her picture and tuned into her energy. I told her, “I miss you and want you to come home. I don’t know where you are. I didn’t leave you with those people and won’t be able to come get you. You are going to have to find your way back”. I had to really feel through the pain and sadness to a place of genuine connection with her own energy signature.

Then the next day she just showed up back at my brother’s place where she had run off from. When she got back, she was very tired and hungry. She must have been getting food from somewhere because she is not as thin as you might expect after being gone for over two weeks. There is a large cut on her leg which opened up exposing a lot of flesh but she took good care of it herself. The vet said it is about a week old and it is best to let it continue to heal on its own.

I am so happy she is back. She has been with me for almost 8 years now. We have lived in Arizona, Washington and now Hawaii together. She has melted the hearts of everyone she meets. I have never seen a dog that so many people love. I have had people who say they don’t even like dogs fall in love with her and actually let her come in their house.

Thank you for reading and for all the assistance at every level in helping her get back home.

Much Love,

Jason

 

Not Good Enough

On the shadow of “not good enough”

Those of us who work in the mental health field or really anyone who has dove into the deep dark places of emotional pain have undoubtedly become familiar with the phrase not good enough. This is a shadow and a blessing for it drives people to greatness and destruction.

The deep core negative belief of “not good enough” and its associated emotional responses are all too familiar to me. This has only intensified despite my accomplishments and expressed admirations by other amazing people around me.

Still the old pattern remains. I am I doing it well enough? What is wrong with me? I am better than this. I cannot look bad. I need to be perfect. I can do more. What I do needs to be perfect. And of course the darkest and dangerous of all….the things I am associated with need to be perfect too.

What is perfect?

In psychology, this is the wound of the Sovereign the archetypal King or Queen that must place their inner and outer kingdom in order, balance, and harmony for all parts of self to thrive.

A person healing this shame-based wound of not good enough can answer this idealized “perfect” in their minds eye but with words it is a bit more difficult.

What often shows up is a need and drive to do something that will leave everybody in awe. This awe and appreciation will create a showering of compliments that “not good enough” will never fully appreciate for deep down they do not believe what is being said. It feels good but also creates discomfort because a perfect person is also humble. Driving them to walk a razors edge of god like mastery that drives some to suicide and the fortunate to initiation.

Thanks for reading. Like this lion remember what is true about you and what your gold is.

May you walk beyond your shadow in gratitude,

Jason

Money

I am really working on letting go of my limitations in all their forms. Part of that is consciously connecting to the energy of money and allowing that energy, what Inelia Benz describes as an elemental force, to come into my life.

Inelia has freely shared a great process for connecting to this very powerful energy. As I use it the things that come up are painful and the visions are not always pleasant. The discipline is to just sit and watch them allowing the deep feeling beyond the judgement to be fully felt, realizing at the bottom what it all really is….a blessing of experience.

Reflecting later when done with the technique I can see how these experiences have solidified into unprocessed emotions masked in beliefs about money. It is no wonder there is so much intensity around this subject for so many people.

Even just doing an exercise like this will no doubt cause people to say what about inviting love and joy into your life? Well believe me I am doing that too and that is even scarier sometimes. It is a much more vulnerable process for me.

With all this processing about money an epiphany came to me today that money strongly represents an aspect of the element of ether. Many know the elements of fire, water, air, and earth but lesser known is that of ether. An unseen force all around us of which anything can manifest. It has been described as the human equivalent of the water a fish swims in.

Here is a link to Inelia’s website and the technique if you would like to try it out yourself. Feel free to share your experience with me if you like.

I will add that each day I do this I notice something different happening around me.

https://ineliabenz.com/self-empowerment-resources/reconnecting-spirit-money/

May you feel through to your knowing,

Jason